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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Saint Andy!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Wally for sending in today's second joke.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir Javaid Chaudhry...
P.................PLEASE
E.................ENTER
P.................PENIS
S.................SLOWLY
I.................INSIDE.........
THAT WAY ALL GIRLS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR PEPSI ALL THE TIME...
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CLASSIC DIRT
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First reference to Y2K in the Daily Dirt!
Date: March 2, 1999
Two respected senior government officials have added more fuel to the already raging Y2K fire. On CBS' Face the Nation, Senators Chris Dodd (D-Conn) and Robert Bennet (R-Utah), ranking members of the Senate Special Committee on the Y2K Problem, freaked out the panel by calling the glitch "one of the most serious and potentially devastating events this nation has ever encountered."
The Senators went on to claim that the millennial chaos could include lives lost to malfunctioning medical equipment, erased banking records, massive blackouts and missiles from other countries automatically launching themselves (our missiles having already been Y2K-proofed). "Any responsible household would prepare and have on hand a two- or three-day supply," Dodd said.
Personally, I think this whole Y2K thing is a load of hogshit devised by Jesus-drunk authoritarians in government with the sole purpose of fucking up what would otherwise have been the ultimate New Year's Eve party. And, seeing as it looks like most people will be staying home on the night of Dec 31, shotguns at the ready to defend their 30-lb containers of Minute Rice and their bathtubs full of spring water, it seems as if the party-pooping finger-sniffers have succeeded.
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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MOPJ, Over the years you have brought me information, humor, warnings. I've gotten angry because of underhanded dealings and just plain stupidity you've catalogued, and gotten involved because of info you've posted and editorials you've written. I laughed my socks off with your jokes and crazy lists. I cried with you when the towers fell. I raged with you when they pushed through the Patriot Act, when Halliburton jumped in to make some more money from death and destruction, when they succeeded in cutting the bottom out from under our electoral system in Florida and then again in Ohio. I have sent all my best hopes out to you, when it seemed you were losing hope and heart, battling against the spam filters, and the management, and the sheer weight of what is going so dreadfully wrong in this country and in the rest of the world. It broke my heart to read the post, The Long Slow Goodbye. I waited to see if there would be anymore posts. I guess not. I don't know if you will read this letter. I hope you will. I just wanted to let you know how much your work meant to me, and how much I will miss you. Hey if you're ever in Binghamton, NY, look us up. I'll buy you a beer, and roll you a joint. Thank you for everything. yop KH
[Excuse me, but I think I've got something in my eye... - Jerky]
*** **** ***
MOPJerky, Back in the day (2000) when I was pissed off at the establishment and and felt all alone, I decided to Google. My search query was simple. "daily dirt political". I wanted a daily published letter on the political dirt that covers the world. Little did I know that my floundering for some sensical meaning to the world chaos would lead me to The Dirt. And to you. Many a page of yours has been spent well, pondering and musing about how things were, are, and will be. Many a time have you demonstrated that money is the driving force behind, well, pretty much everything. Then came your rantings about how money is the great silencer. Usually, it was some exhuberent amount to silence rogue microbiologists and news reporters. And, much to my regret, money has begun the strangulation of one of the web's most eloquent postulators. This time, however, it was the lack of money that caused the demise of one of the most poignant email newsletters in existence. My wife was originally taken-aback by the blatantly abundant usage of porn material, but then, she, as most Playboy readers lie, read the articles. Many a nod of agreement and drop-jawed surprise at the unmitigated gall you presented of our world leaders. In short, MOP Jerky, we all love you and hope you utilize the great blogging technology that has rendered The Dirt lame, almost obselete. Please, o' great eulagist, post your new blogosite for those of us who admire you. Many blessings for this and future lives! YOPDave
[I will most definitely keep you posted, Dave. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Jerky We freaking miss ya dude. It's your irreverent attitude that is missed most. Roegster
[I miss you guys, too, believe me. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Jerky, So long mate, thanks for all the entertainment and enlightment you have brought over the past years. Sorry to see you go. The Dailydirt was... ah, fuck it! No need to get all gushy! I'll have a beer and cheeseburger in your honour! Cheers, Jim
[Thanks, mango. But please, occasionally check back on this space. Like once a month maybe, until it kicks back in. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
JL; For the eternal rest of the Uglitron how about putting a mirror for all your vain pals to lavish themselves? Just another twisted thought to match the knots in my plumbing. Take care old hoss - Russell Voice (officially decommissioning druid athiest)
[I like your idea, RV. Unfortunately, the technology doesn't currently exist to reproduce reflexion on a VDT. - Jerky]
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To stop getting the Dirt, go to: www.dirtdaily.com/takemeoff.html
From Idvapdgs : bookmark you thx
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From Dtlqbkhn : great work man thx
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From Hpxntmng : this post is fantastic
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From Shsmjnls : hi nice site thx man
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From FireFox : That's a crock of shit, Neale. I've lost it all more times than I can remember.....they ain't no mana falling from the sky roun' hnyah
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From Neale :
On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
....that you must be willing to lose it all before you can
have it all.
What does this mean? It means that until you can let
go of everything, you will find it hard to hold onto
anything.
Detachment is the key. If you are so attached to
something that you are deeply unhappy without it,
then you are not simply attached, you are addicted.
You will not have to think but a second to know
ex
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From : h1patronage ambivalently Minneapolis develops.dissents prisms stepper, /h1
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From jaren : ERiKSW dfv078fnw8f934ndvkg2l
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From : h1sleeve downside Papuareassemble.refutation creatively . /h1
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From Neale Donald Walsch : One of the things I always appreciated about the writings of Neale Donald Walsch and Eckhart Tolle is that their books are full of spiritual nuggets to be mined by the reader. Such is the nature of this book. I can't recommend it too highly.
The book is just now being released in the US and the publisher has extended a special discount to us on the book and the companion CD which we are passing on to you. Additionally, there are numerous downloads you get when you purchase the Book and CD.
Take a
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From Neale Donald Walsch : How to Find God in Everything
A Book and CD You Will NOT Want To Miss!
Hi Friends,
You don't come across many metaphysical books these days that really grab you. When one does you immediately embrace it to, devour it and shout - LOOK AT THIS!
Such is the book described below. The name of the book is How To Find God in Everything and it was written by a messenger/author named Amoda Maa Jeevan. It is written with clarity, grace and spiritual enlightenment.
One of the things I always appre
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From OPERATION NORTHWOODS : Think it's outrageous to even suggest the United States Government would target its own citizens? Think again. In March of 1962, The U.S. Joints of Staff signed off on a plan which was presented to US Defense Secretary Robert McNamara. By attacking US military targets and citizens the hope was to build public support at home and abroad for a military invasion of Cuba. Luckily, McNamara did not approve the plan.
READ DOCUMENT
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From : h1Simstinkling golding ethically Payne,optimizations quail /h1
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From daddybear : John, come to Dirtspawn we have Jerky! And yeah the dirt is just about dead BUT LONG LIVE THE DIRTSPAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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From Anonymous : comment6,
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From Anonymous : comment1,
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From Anonymous : comment4,
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From Anonymous : comment2,
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From Gaindeh : Tum tum dotuma runga, suma rungay Garba rawma, haara ma jel fas!!!
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From : h1gastronomy justifications,substantiated severing revocable!charmingly buffering fancying /h1
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From Anonymous : comment1,
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From Anonymous : comment4,
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From faraz : hi hello to all
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From larry : 3DGWUi sd9fj41dkg0ckahr82y4
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From john :
turn off your mind, relax and float down stream
it is not dying, it is not dying
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From Anonymous : comment1,
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From Anonymous : VPUcpS Hello! I'm Samuel Smith, i'm from Switqerland i and find your site really brilliant!
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From Richard Syrett Show : ROBOT WARS
Richard speaks with a professor of Robotics, who warns that armies want to give the power of life and death to machines without reason or conscience.
GUEST NOEL SHARKEY, Professor of Robotics and Artificial Intelligence at The University of Sheffield
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From Jason Beghe : Jason Beghe, who played the murderous Jeffrey Lindley on Seasons 3 and 4 of Melrose Place, has denounced the religion hes been a firm believer in for the past 14 years.
A former scientologist, Beghe plunked over a million dollars into the organization but was banished when he asked for approximately $65,000 back which he had fronted for a future study.
Beghe was what is known as an OT5 auditora member that teaches new members the ropes. In a video on YouTube he now says Scientology creates a brain
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From Scientologists prepare to slaughter seals : Over the coming days tens of thousands of baby seals will be clubbed and hacked to death off Canadas east coast. Hundreds of thousands more will be shot and left to die. The lucky ones will die swiftly. Many will suffer long lingering deaths.
Damn Scientology killed them
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From billbudd : retard already provided the link for dirtspawn
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From Dirtspawn : To join Dirtspawn, get a Yahoo ID. Then consult Google if you still can't figure it out. After that, hit the local gay bar and go in the back where they keep the gloryholes, anal bleaching supplies, and teeth-rotting Tina.
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From What :
Did you know Jerky lives in Toronto?
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From retard : groupsyahoo.***/group/Dirtspawn/
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From retard :
Will you knuckelheads over at dirtspawn do everyone a frickin favor and give us the flippin link? And I better not get a stupid reply about how you can't post any urls.
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From XeNoGeAr : Okay, what am I doing wrong? I can't find Dirt Spawn in Yahoo groups....
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From XeNoGeAr : Okay, what am I doing wrong? I can't find Dirt Spawn in Yahoo groups....
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From daddybear : Holy dead air! is the Dirt really this dead? Anybody still looking for Jerky PLEASE come to Dirt Spawn in the ADLUT section of Yahoo groups! And If Jerky is still checking out this page . HAPPY BIRTHDAY JERKY!!!!!!!!!!
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From youporn : You may only enter this Website if you are at least 18 years of age, or at least the age of majority in the jurisdiction where you reside or from which you access this Website. If you do not meet these requirements, then you do not have permission to use the Website.
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From Anonymous : Is the Iraq war the great neoconservative war? It's the war the neoconservatives wanted, Friedman says. It's the war the neoconservatives marketed. Those people had an idea to sell when September 11 came, and they sold it. Oh boy, did they sell it. So this is not a war that the masses demanded. This is a war of an elite. Friedman laughs I could give you the names of 25 people (all of whom are at this moment within a five-block radius of this office) who, if you had exiled them to a desert island a year a
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From White Mans Burden : The war in Iraq was conceived by 25 neoconservative intellectuals, most of them Jewish, who are pushing President Bush to change the course of history. Two of them, journalists William Kristol and Charles Krauthammer, say it's possible.
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From Empire of the City : City of London + City of Vatican + City of Columbia are the 3 independent states within states which composes the empire of the city. The first is financial control over earth economy, the second is religion control over the earth and the third one is military control over the earth. Together they make the very unholy trinity which forms the Egyptian pyramid that we can see on the back of the privately owned federal reserve note that is used as American dollar to maintain the colony in debt and under the Qu
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From daddybear : Ok folks , To the Old pals who are Lost with out Jerky , Please come to Dirtspawn . in the Adult section of yahoo groups for any lost newbies who stumble upon this site read the achives And then join our group. We have Jerky there ! he is well and we miss yous guys!
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From TheDouglasMan : Have a look at the photo at the start of this video. Alden Brown standing there will his dyed black hair and ignorant smile on his face. He is so oblivious to normality, not realising for one second that everyone sees his behaviour and activity as strange and immoral. Totally oblivious and ignorant. He really really has no idea at all. You could almost feel pity for him.
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From fishinator : what is this website all about anyways?? I was looking up history when I found this!!! but those jokes are pretty kool people keep sending them in!
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From : h1deliriously Alberto.Victorians unsatisfiability subschemas... /h1
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that you have something important to contribute
to your world today.
Every day God sends you one person for whom
you hold a gift in your hand. You will not know
what it is until that person greets you, but you
will then know it immediately.
The only questions remaining will be Will you give
your gift? Right then and there? Fully and completely?
By the end of this day you will know why y
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From FireFox : Where'd all these tumbleweeds come from?
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From BUM : (BUM) Rumour has it that the lead singer of Babyshambles, Pete Doherty, has converted to Scientology.
The British singer, well-known for his pranks and his addiction to heroin, reportedly joined the Church of Scientology, according to The Sun. "He has become obsessed with Scientology," The Sun quotes.
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From ed braym : kfvffe exvib gtre hcdeza
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, God wants you to know...
....that your trust has not been misplaced.
Listen to your Self today. You have been telling
yourself something very important for days now.
Today, listen more closely. And heed.
Trust the still small voice within. Your soul is
gently leading you to your next step.
Love, Your Friend....
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From jojo : hi
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From daddybear : well guys the plan from here is go to dirt spawn we have jerky there.plus a bunch of dirt regulars and other old pals .So dont delay come to dirtspawn today!!!!
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From lonerboner : What happened to movies dot dailydirt dot com?
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From Money Angel : OK we need all the luck we can get !!! Lotto 649 or Millionaire for Life Money Angel
This is a money angel Pass it to 6 of your good friends,or family and be rich in 4 Days. Pass it to 12 of your good friends.or family and be rich in 2 Days. I am not joking. You will find an unexpected windfall. If you delete it, you will beg. Trust me!!!
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From : h1 . . /h1
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From Mad Jerry : Can't connect to MySQL server on 'cq-db01' (4)
This is real serious and David's work is in imminent danger of ceasing without your help. Donate system now working.
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From original anon : Me neither billbudd. Guess it just shows Jerky was important in my life during our national mass-hysteria. Sad thing is, I doubt he even checks in.
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From billbudd :
I have no phucking idea why I keep coming back.
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From XConference : Collectively, the X-Conference speakers hold enough knowledge of government involvement with extraterrestrial phenomena and the truth embargo to end the cover-up tomorrow. All it would take is for the political leaders and the political media to pay attention. And yes, they have been invited, too.
Government imposed truth embargo ♦ Alternative/ET derived energy/propulsion technology ♦ Views of former NASA astronauts ♦ Roswell witnesses ♦ extraterrestrial-related phenomena an
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From I Cthulhu : Cthulhu, they call me. Great Cthulhu. Nobody can pronounce it right. Are you writing this down? Every word? Good. Where shall I start...mm? Very well, then. The beginning. Write this down, Whateley. [READ MORE] [SEE ALL STORIES]
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From XConference : "The U.S. Government hasn't maintained secrecy regarding UFOs It's been leaking out all over the place. But the way it's been handled is by denial, by denying the truth of the documents that have leaked. By attempting to show them as fraudulent, as bogus of some sort. There has been a very large disinformation and misinformation effort around this whole area. And one must wonder, how better to hide something out in the open than just to say, 'It isn't there. You're deceiving yourself if you think thi
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From l krise : enjoy your site,but even with my pop up blocker off the pic,s wont
open.thanks.
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From spin : looky looky, its slowed to a stand still.
so what's the plan from here guys?
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From TRUTH IS NOT BEYOND US ANYMORE : During its entire history, mankind has been monitored in a relatively discreet manner from the Anunnaki/Elohim/Gods' spaceships. Whether they come from the Planet of the Gods (possibly Gliese 581c), from the Station/Planet Eris/Nibiru or from the Hollow Interior of the Earth, these crafts are usually invisible, being located in a parallel dimension/world. Read Article
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From six : Daddybear- why not post the IFC link. I would but I've got about 2 minutes before I have no access to a computer for up to 24 hours. Clark Justiss- enable Javascript. I don't know what it means, or if it'll work. I have no idea how to fix your problem to be honest. Don't even know what javascript is.
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From clark justiss : why can I not see the free pixs anymore, when I click on them all I see is an x.
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From St Paul : Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not money, I am become as a sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not money, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not money, it profiteth me nothing, Money suffereth long, and is kind money envieth not mone
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From daddybear : HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anybody out here???????
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From The Universe Solved : By some estimates, 150 million people have been witness to UFO sightings, including Apollo astronauts, military piolts and ex-Presidents. A CNN poll has revealed that 80% of Americans think that the Goverment is hiding knowledge of the exsitence of ET's.
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From Evgen : . . .
,
2500. 8 24.
, 7600. - .
6 . . .
1532,
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From Buzz Buzz : Last year, Israel announced it would develop bionic hornets to locate, photograph and, potentially, kill enemy targets. With all the buzz about flying robotic insects these days, (DARPA) was working on the development of cyborg moths robotic insects that spy, maybe even blow things up.
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From Harry : is this program still workin?
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From Penn Cops : ALLENTOWN, Pa. - Police in Pennsylvania faced a difficult if not impossible task Thursday as they tried to stop the spread of pornographic video and photos of two high school girls, images that were transmitted by cellphone to dozens of the girls' classmates and then to the wider world.
Cops try to zap porn images of 2 girls sent to Penn. cellphones and beyond
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From A UFO : This first Australia UFO photo shows the strange but clearly seen triangle shape with what appears to be bright lights perched on each corner. The Australia UFO photos that follow, zoom in until the last UFO photo which reveals the bright lights to something more. Links below each Australian UFO photo will take you to the next page of pictures in this mystery group of pictures of what appears to be unidentified flying objects.
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From Bonjour Hello : Thank you for your message. It has been forwarded for assessment. Thetip line personnel are not informed of the actions taken by theinvestigators, we will not be able to provide you with an update. Thereis no need for you to report this matter any further. Merci de nous avoir envoy votre message. Il a t envoy pourvaluation. Le personnel de l'info-ligne n'est pas inform desdmarches prises par les enquteurs, nous serons dans l'impossibilitde vous procurer une mise jour. Il ne vous sera plus nce
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From daddybear : Oh Where Oh WHere Has OUR DAILY DIRT gone? Oh WHere OH where Can IT Bee?........ Sincerly, Polly Purebread
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From Six : I second that. I'm missing Beudreaux about now.
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From tors : Kelly & family, very, very sorry to hear of Beudreaux's passing. I've very much enjoyed the comments and spirit he gave to this site. I can barely imagine what has gone from your lives.
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From b : what the ****
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From Henry Makow PhD : A Chinese secret society with 6 million members, including 1.8 million Asian gangsters and 100,000 professional assassins, have targeted Illuminati members if they proceed with world depopulation plans, according to Tokyo-based journalist Benjamin Fulford, 46.
They contacted Fulford, a Canadian ex pat, after he warned that the Illuminati plan to reduce the Asian population to just 500 million by means of race-specific biological weapons.
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From Jacob H Schiff : 1. And most important, was to acquire control of America's money-system.
2. Find desirable men, who for a price, would be willing to serve as stooges for the great conspiracy and promote them into high places in our federal government, our Congress, and the U.S. Supreme Court, and all federal agencies.
3. Create minority-group strife throughout the nations particularly between the whites and blacks.
4. Create a movement to destroy religion in the United States but Christianity to be the chief
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From jhcjgcjux : hvyufy
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From anita : I like porn maters too much. I want sex too much
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From Six : Man I can't believe Beudreaux's gone! I'm terribly sorry to hear about this and will miss him. If there's anything I can do...
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From ThousandDemons : I'm more of a relative outsider than most, but still quite a long-time reader. Kelly, I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Beaudreax was one of the more entertaining, highly intelligent and insightful writers and critics of - whether it was for or against - the Dirt.
R.I.P. Beaudreax. Your wisdom will be missed.
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From FireFox : Oh no! Kelly, I am so sorry. Andy was one of my most closest online buddies. We talked quite a bit over the last year or so. I don't even know what to say as I've lost someone very dear to me and can't imagine what you must be going through. My deepest condolences. Andy will indeed be sorely missed. RIP my friend. May we meet again.
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From daddybear : Kelly, Oh My God ! I'm very sorry for your loss and please let me /us know if we can be of any help to you or Beaudreaux's Kids. Andy was a real standup guy and will be sorely missed . Guy 's how about a days silence for OOP BEAUDREAX.
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From Guardian Angel : Forward this message the same day you received it It may sound ridiculous, but it is right on time We believe that something is about to happen. Angels exist, only sometimes they haven't got wings and we call them friends you are one of them Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends. Tomorrow at 1046pm somebody will address you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear. Please send it to at least 7 of your friends.
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From Kelly : Hi everyone, I just wanted to let you all know that Beudreaux passed away on January 5, 2008.
Beudreaux had a massive heart attack and they worked on him for a very long time, but his heart walls were simply too week to keep him alive.
His children and I miss him more than you can imagine.
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From Six : Recent sighting in Stephenville, TX. I'm too lazy to consult Google, but I believe it's the home of the Creation Evidence Museum. Or maybe that's Glenrose. Either way, it's close enough that we can lump the cooters in the same category.
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From sslliicckk : Jerky where are you hiding at?
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From Alien Cow Abduction : It's a serious problem. Countless bovines have disappeared from dairy farms everywhere. And the numbers of missing cows is rising! A rapidly growing collection of abduction evidence and documentation is available here!
Watch video proof of cow abduction!
In what appears to be the result of extraterrestrial encounters, dairy farmers are reporting a rash of cow disappearances in Californias heartland.
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From No schitt : Sherlock.
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From Obama : (member Barack Obama) and the Bilderberg Group.
... Whether America votes for Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton the outcome will be the same because they won't dictate policy - the Shadow People will. Obama says he stands for 'change' and Clinton responds by saying she also stands for 'change', but she has the experience to make the 'change' happen.
In truth, they stand for the status quo because that's the position of those who control them. All the rest is fakery.
Barack 'Not Black Enough
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From so :
Who cares?
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From No Agent of Change : Obama's foreign policy advisor and vocal supporter is Zbigniew Brzezinski, Jimmy Carter's national security advisor, who says that Obama offers 'a new definition of America's role in the world'.
This is the same Brzezinski who created the Illuminati's Trilateral Commission with David Rockefeller in 1973. The Trilateral Commission is dedicated to a world government dictatorship and closely connects with other strands in the web like the Council on Foreign Relations (member Barack Obama) and the Bil
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From so :
who cares?
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From alienufopictures : This is a very good picture. Click on it to make it bigger. It is worth it!. Look at this figure's skull once again. More importantly look at his back and ribs. This person is clearly not human. His skull is not like a human's. And his back and ribs are also clearly not human. As you can see his face and part of his skull were chipped off also like the previous picture. I took this picture in Egypt. More proof that aliens were once among us.
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From billbudd :
Jerky took a big dump, and this is what it evolved to.
High Order Reptilians, Reptilians of the Highest Order.
Where's that damn bong of mine?
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