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SCANDALS!
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THAT AIN'T CHAMPAGNE, GIRLY!
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GOLDEN BRITNEY SHOWERS!
Bubblegum diva Britney Spears had to scurry for cover when irate residents of the Los Angeles high-rise in front of which she was shooting a commercial expressed their displeasure at her noisy late-night antics by hurling bucketloads of urine at her from their balconies.
According to London's News of the World, the piss-flingers were relatively patient with Britney and crew, holding their fire until four o'clock in the morning, afterwhich they decided enough was e-fucking-nough already, and so commenced the tossing of bodily fluids.
One resident, who wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, defended his actions thusly: "We kept hearing the same song over and over, but what made it worse were two 100ft spotlights. They lit up our apartment like it was daytime." Yer old pal Jerky understands, completely. In fact, it would be nigh impossible for me to calculate how many times I, myself have hurled urine at somebody for keeping me awake at night.
Hopefully, some clever techie has rescued the footage from this incident, and will soon be uploading it to the infamous but poorly trafficked alt.binaries.erotica.fetish.britney.spears.golden.shower.videos newsgroup, so we can all have a larf at the former Queen of Jailbait's expense.
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INCONSEQUENTIAE...
If there are any fundamentalist Islamic terrorists out there reading this, yer old pal Jerky thinks you should know something. The New York Times reports that Islamic scholars have recently discovered substantial mistranslations of the early Koran. You know those seventy-two leg-spreading virgins you thought were waiting for you up in paradise after you've blown yourself up for Allah? It turns out they're actually "white raisins." Feel free to adjust your martyrdom plans accordingly.
Now, at last, Japan's rapidly ageing population has something to look forward to! The Matsushita Electric Industrial Concern - a name that just screams intimacy - is building a state-of-the-art retirement home near Osaka, Japan, which will make extensive use of robotic companion bears to keep the institution's pathetically ignored residents company as they patiently wait to die. An added bonus to having robots as your best friend is that they can be programmed to continually monitor your health signs! Yes, the future grows warmer and cuddlier by the nanosecond, doesn't it, folks?
Seeing as there's no Lewd Lexicon anymore, I figured I'd throw this one in here… You know how sometimes, after a hearty Indian or Mexican meal, your flatulence can leave shitty streaks in your underwear? These are generally known as "skid marks." But there are some people who don't wear underwear. And some of them eat Indian and Mexican food in this state of partial undress. So what do you call shitty streaks on PANTS? You call them Chaykin tracks. Don't ask why, just do it.
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