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NEWS IN THE NEWS!
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So two years ago, this unnamed Frenchman had to have his stomach removed when it was discovered that he had twelve pounds of coins, pins and necklaces stuck in there. The metallic bolus - which the man had accumulated during a decade's suffering from 'pica,' a psychological disorder that compels its victims to devour the undevourable - had pulled his stomach down to where his dick should be… just like yer old pal Jerky! Still, considering he survived on this diet until the ripe old age of sixty-something, it's probably no worse for you than eating all your meals at McDonald's, which, if you're doing, please stop.
California's governor Arnold Schwarzenkennedy has warned voters that if they reject his $15 billion bond measure to get the state out of debt, "Armageddon cuts" would have to be made to services, across the board. It goes without saying that this new round of cuts - which would be in addition to previously announced cuts - would have a (giggle, snort) DEEP IMPACT on the average Californian's quality of life.
Non-profit, Unsolicited Site Recommendation of the Week: What is Galumpia Adult? If irresponsible hyperbole is to be believed, Galumpia Adult represents nothing less than an online revolution, a complete re-reconceptualization of the ways and means of producing and consuming pornography. Let me put it this way: We have soda that tastes sweet, but contains no sugar, right? And we have potato chips that taste like the real thing, despite not containing any fat, right? So why can't we have pornography - complete with dripping holes, throbbing protuberances and glistening friction - that doesn't contain actual genital interaction? I mean, as it stands, porno is basically prostitution caught on film. And with the culture wars set to re-ignite once again, how long can these wall-to-wall-virtual-poon-tang times keep rolling? Not too much longer, I don't think. So it's best to prepare yourself now - in anticipation of the coming age of vice-free, pharmaceutically-assisted proxy-porn - by immersing yourself in the gloopy, feel-good world of Galumpia Adult!
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Yer old pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #51:
Just because you're after them doesn't mean they're not paranoid.
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THE DUMBELL CURVE
Yer old pal Jerky has a theory about this William Hung guy from American Idol. Some of you may find it difficult to deal with, so if your politics tend towards the "correct," please move on to the next news item. You have three seconds. … Now, only we scientists remain. I may share my theory:
I think the only reason this William Hung guy is getting so much attention is because he's an Asian boob. Laughing at William helps assuage our fears about the hyper-dominant super-race poised to seize their planetary birthright and render the rest of us obsolete, just as surely as Neanderthal was once engulfed, digested and excreted by modern man.
This has some similarities to the "Mahir effect," wherein we were all collectively made to chuckle at the funny Middle Eastern man - "I kiss you! I kiss you!" - while dozens of guys who looked just like him were preparing to bring the American Empire temporarily to its knees with twenty dollars worth of carpet knife.
[The above opinions are solely those of yer old pal Jerky's most recently discovered split personality, "the professor," and do not represent the views of yer old pal Jerky, or of any more than three of his other splinter identities. - Jerky]
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THE 'GATES: A FULL RUNDOWN, PART 5!
On Thursday, we covered LIHOP-GATE, the first of three sub-gates that fall under the rubric of INVESTI-GATE. On Friday, we examined WHITEWASH-GATE. Today, we examine the third inquiry-related Bush administration scandal:
3. WILSON-GATE
(or: The Incredibly Arrogant Staffers Who Stopped Smirking and Became Nervous Wrecks)
In essence, Wilson-gate is about unknown Bush administration officials contacting conservative "friendlies" in the media to get them to expose the identity of an undercover CIA operative. They apparently did this for two reasons: 1) to get back at the operative's husband, former ambassador Joe Wilson, for being an outspoken administration critic, and 2) to have a chilling effect on any other career diplomats who might be thinking about criticizing this administration and its policies. But in Wilson's case, it was purely personal.
As Preznit Dubya and his cohorts were trying to convince a wary United Nations to sanction their proposed military strike on the crippled pseudo-nation of Iraq, the government sent Wilson to Africa, where he investigated documents purporting to show that Saddam Hussein had attempted to purchase "yellow cake" uranium there. After a brief investigation, it was determined that the documents were crude forgeries. Wilson filed his report with the CIA and at the State department.
By January, when it was becoming obvious that the UN was in no way going to sanction Bush's war - and with the American people still 60/40 against attacking Iraq without UN approval - the 'mongers were resting their hopes on Bush's State of the Union address. And that's where Saddam's African uranium hoax found its way back into the official litany of justification for war. Soon afterwards, Colin Powell cited the Niger "evidence" as some of the most important in the USG's case for war.
Then came the war, which America aced. Then came the peace, which America flunked and is flunking, big time. The chronology from that point forward is important.
In a NYT op-ed piece that ran on July 6, 2003, Wilson criticized the administration's handling of the war. Perhaps more importantly, he made it clear that when Bush and Powell warned Americans about Saddam's African "yellowcake," they weren't just wrong, they were lying.
Two days later, the White House had to admit that the Nigerian "evidence" was bogus. This sparked one of the most embarrassing rounds of buck-passing in the recent history of the Presidency of the United States. The whole sorry spectacle came to a nadir when, much to Condi Rice's relief, CIA director George Tenet agreed to (sorta) take the blame for the information getting into Dubya's speech.
Three days after that, the Chicago Sun Times runs an op-ed piece by conservative columnist Robert Novak in which he claims top administration officials told him the only reason Joe Wilson got the Niger job was because his wife, Valerie Plame, was CIA.
Make that undercover CIA... in Africa. Working on cases relating to the proliferation of Third World WMD.
Needless to say, she isn't doing that anymore. Neither are the people who used to make up her network of what intelligence workers euphemistically refer to as assets.
At first, despite the fact that disclosing the identity of a covert agent is a felony offense, all hell did not break loose. It just sorta oozed past the starting gate. But thanks to a few outraged (and persistent!) bloggers, the story eventually caught hold in the mainstream. Now, months later, a Congressional probe into what is being dismissively called "the leak" is well underway. So far, they've apparently determined that somebody from the Vice President's office contacted at least a half-dozen conservatives in the media trying to get them to out Plame as CIA. [It's nice to know your tax dollars aren't going to waste, isn't it? - Jerky]
Novak recently tried to change his story. He said that people had misunderstood him, that nobody from the White House had ever contacted him, and that his source was some anonymous flunky.
To bad for Novak, then, that unidentified officials from the Vice President's office have told investigators that while it's true Novak was given the information in question, he'd been specifically warned not to print Plame's name.
Now that his former "prize pig" insider sources have tossed him to the sharks, do you think Novak is starting to regret letting himself be used and discarded like a phlegm-filled Kleenex tissue?
Nah. He's probably loving it. Most conservatives are secretly masochists at heart. That's because they're all so sexually repressed. Isn't that right, former Republican "drug czar" and problem gambler Bill Bennett?
"Why, yes it is, Jerky! In fact, after a hard day spent slandering liberals and character-assassinating anybody who dares question the wisdom of the Conservative Movement that's sweeping the nation, there's nothing I like better than to fly to Vegas, lose a couple hundred grand in a high stakes game of poker, then pay a mulato she-male steroid giant to strap me to a rack and beat me 'til I'm black, blue and bleeding!"
"Thanks for the confirmation, Bill. Say, where do you get all your money, anyway?"
"Don't go there, girlfriend!"
Okay, that's it. We've gone far enough afeild.
Scandal Impact Rating: 3 - …but if, as some are predicting, the investigation reveals that Dick Cheney is somehow implicated in all this, it could break open real big, real fast.
Scandal Gravity Rating: 9 - This kind of hubris-fueled, gutter-grudge behavior is exactly what brought down the Nixon administration. Everybody at the White House is allegedly shitting bricks over this.
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