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HOMELAND INSECURITY
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MORE PATHETIC WHINING
On Wednesday -- that is, Saturday -- we left off with yer old pal Jerky complaining about how our thoroughly corporatized and compromised media have failed us so completely and miserably that the chances of us ever climbing out of the mass grave into which our leaders have dug us all are slim to none, and shrinking by the day. Here, in an obvious attempt to fill space and clear out my clipboard, is a list of the Top 13 Under-reported Stories Yer Old Pal Jerky Wanted to Write About, but Hadn't Gotten Around to Yet.
13. Dangerously incompetent and power-mad neoconservative ideologues have hijacked the American government and military. Check out this informative interview with former Pentagon employee, Air Force colonel (ret.) Karen Kwiatowski, to begin understanding how they did it. For the full picture, read respected intelligence author James Bamford's A Pretext For War, the most devastating and detailed account of the bloodless coup that yer old pal Jerky has yet to read.
12. Aside from being a greasy, slimy, douche-sucking twat in general, Dubya's choice for United Nations ambassador, John Bolton, abused his access to the highest levels of intelligence to illegally spy on fellow American government officials whom he considered to be "enemies". And the White House is protecting him by ordering the orgs in question NOT to release the relevant documents. Of course, this maniac is now considered a fucking shoe-in.
11. The Pentagon is so koo-koo for cannon fodder, they're literally recruiting people right out of the psycho ward.
10. Three federal scientists illegally falsified data on the controversial Yucca Flats national nuclear waste dump. But don't worry… Dubya and Co. say they don't have to testify before the courts about it, so their jobs are secure. Probably got some impressive raises and promotions coming their way, actually.
9. Bolton again; this time, forcing the United Nations to fire a chemical weapons inspector for doing TOO GOOD A JOB at getting Saddam to allow inspectors back in! We wouldn't have wanted a little thing like the TRUTH keep us from going ahead with that long-planned (and highly illegal) "regime change", would we? No, of course not.
8. Three words: Blood sucking robots. Nuff said.
7. When it comes to hating New York, it doesn't get much "bolder" than trying to fuck over 9/11 rescue workers, many of whom will be suffering for the rest of their shortened lives thanks to the Bush White House's decision to hide the fact that the air around Ground Zero was deadly poison… which is another in a long line of impeachable offenses, in yer old pal Jerky's not so fucking humble opinion.
6. Treaties and longstanding international agreements be damned… the Weaponization of Outer Space is now all but guaranteed.
5. And then there's all the other weird fuckin' weapons the Pentagon is working on. Chemicals that turn enemy soldiers into raging homosexuals. Chemicals that give evil-doers indescribably rancid breath. Chemicals that whip up fury in wasps and rats, causing them to attack enemy positions. Surely it's no coincidence that the current Secretary of Defense is the same man who gave the world aspartame?
4. The Powers That Be are so intent on touting Chicago as the next domestic target for terrorism, they've made a fucking movie about it. Starring everybody's favorite Hollywood elitist know-it-all, Senator Fred Thompson!
3. How many of you knew that, during the same week that Brit MP George Galloway walked into the dragon's mouth and knocked its dentures out, it was revealed that, in the years leading up to the invasion, the Bush administration was informed about American companies doing illegal business with Saddam… and did nothing to stop it?
2. In April, two unnamed 16-year-old Muslim girls from New York City, one born in Bangladesh, one in Guinea, were arrested and held for months in a Homeland Security prison in Pennsylvania, without a lawyer and without official charges. Now, they and their entire families are being deported. Their crimes? One wrote a school essay that mentioned suicide, the other is suspected to be her friend. It would probably be a good idea to start going over your own kids' homework real fuckin' carefully from this day forward.
1. Fuck off! Twelve is enough for now.
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Yer old pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #267:
Time is a cannibal.
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PEOPLE WATCHING
I saw the weirdest thing while driving through town this weekend.
I was stopped at a red light, watching all the pretty girls walking by (it was hot out) when all of a sudden, this hulking angrogyne with a face like a cigar store Indian lumbers through the mob and crosses the street in front of me.
I couldn't take my eyes off her. With her beige leggings, grey elf boots, black tunic and flared collar, she looked like a cross between Quasimodo and Peter Pan.
Where did she come from, this living anachronism, this otherworldly mish-mash of storybook couture? She didn't appear to be homeless; her clothes were neat and tidy. Nor did she give off the oblivious vibe of a CosPlay enthusiast.
Whatever her origins, I can say one thing with certainty: Hot young flesh in bellyshirts and lowrider pants drift in and out of my memory like the tide, but I will NEVER forget the day I first laid eyes on the Hunchback of Neverland.
Unless, of course, I pull a Gary Busey and crack my skull open on the sidewalk.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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