|
|
HOLMES AND CRUISE - NURSING SORES
|
A LITANY OF HIDEOUSNESS
Los Alamos lab whistle-blower Tommy Hook was beaten like a red-headed stepchild over the weekend, by four assailants who warned him to cancel his appearance before a congressional committee investigating fraud at the prestigious institution. The unholy ass-whipping, which left Hooks with heel marks on his face, happened mere weeks before he was scheduled to testify. It also happened outside a titty-bar, but that is neither here nor there. Compounding the tragedy, Hook was not a researcher, but an auditor at Los Alamos. This means yer old pal Jerky was unable to use any Dr. Hook song title puns in this report. Such is life.
Let me see if I can get this straight… because of Texas's new "fetal protection" laws, 19-year-old Gerardo Flores is going to spend the rest of his life in prison because he agreed to help his 17-year-old girlfriend, Erica Basoria, end her pregnancy. He did this by stepping on her stomach while she pummeled at the twins in her belly with her fists. But here's the kicker (no pun intended). Basoria, who initiated and participated in the action, gets off scot-free because, as a woman, she currently retains the legal right to end her pregnancy! But, by that logic, shouldn't Gerardo have been charged with, oh, say… practicing medicine without a license or something? Yer old pal Jerky can't figure out why this couple didn't just go to a clinic. Maybe they didn't have enough money for a proper abortion. Maybe she didn't want her parents to find out. Maybe the pro-life crazies down there have scared all the clinics into closing their doors. But whatever the circumstances, this ruling is redolent with the reek of Lone Star injustice.
What do you think would happen at an American customs office if you tried to enter the country with a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw still spattered with blood from the double homicide you just committed? Not much, apparently. I guess if you're white -- even looking like a cross between a plucked chicken and The Misfits' frontman Jerry Only -- a brisk talking-to is all that the state of Maine requires. On the other hand, what do you think would happen if you were a Qatar-born pediatric surgeon who forgot to declare the plastic comb in your pocket? You'd probably be strip-searched, held for months without legal representation or the right to contact your family, then secretly deported to a country you'd escaped decades ago. Or not. It's a dice roll.
Oh yes... yer old pal Jerky will be smashing, very very soon. Jerky SMASH!!!
For all the latest Prophet Yahweh news, including photographs and videos of the UFOs he's called down from the heavens, join the Prophet's very own Yahoo group. It's free, you get a chance to communicate directly with the man himself, and he promises some big things are on tap for the very near future. Come join in the fun! With a little luck, we may get to witness a Jonestown-style mass suicide -- or at least a Heaven's Gate / Solar Temple level event -- from its early beginnings.
*** **** ***
Yer old pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #269:
It's all bad.
*** **** ***
In recent weeks, we have seen a rolling cycle of accusation-denial-admission about certain individuals engaging in certain behaviors with a certain Muslim Holy Book, in an apparent attempt to break the spirits of detainees at Guantanamo Gulag. But questions remain. Was the Koran really flushed, or merely pissed upon? Did Preznit Dubya merely order these desecrations, or was he secretly flown in by rogue elements within the CIA to splash those pages with his own precious bodily fluids? It all gets so confusing. That's why, today, the Daily Dirt is proud to help clear things up with this list of the…
Top 13 Other Things The Pentagon Says it
Didn't Do to the Koran, but
Probably Did!
13. Use the pages to soak up bacon grease and pork chop oil.
12. Force detainees to stand on stacks of them for hours, under penalty of genital electro-shock.
11. Shred them for use as dog kennel liner.
10. Switch the pages around and see how long it takes the detainees to notice (i.e. riot).
9. Wedge one under the short leg of a wobbly torture table.
8. Glue hundreds of them together to create special "religious fasting" cells, where detainees are held for days and weeks at a time without food, water or light.
7. Hide razorblades in copies belonging to suicidal detainees.
6. Make subtle editorial alterations to the text -- like, change Mohammed's name to "Slappy" -- and see how long it takes the detainees to notice (i.e. riot).
5. Two words: "nut crackers!"
4. Crush the breath out of an 87-year-old detainee underneath a three hundred pound pile of them.
3. Fold the pages into origami crucifixes, Jesus Fish and, of course… cranes.
2. Jam them full of annoying ad inserts for Franklin Mint "collectible" dolls and stinky perfume samples.
1. Use them as kindling to start a fire to burn the Geneva Conventions, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights and assorted international treaties and agreements.
|
Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
|
|
|
|
