|
|
THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS
|
Yer old pal Jerky watched the MTV Movie Awards so you wouldn't have to. Here are some random observations from the telecast.
Considering the movies represented during tonight's show -- Dodgeball, Anchorman, Harold and Kumar go to Camp -- I think it's safe to say that the MTV Movie Awards is pretty much a showcase for movies that haven't got a journalist's chance in Iraq of ever getting nominated for any "real" awards. It's the Retarded Oscars. No, wait… that's the Golden Globes! Which I suppose makes the MTV Movie Awards the Retarded Golden Globes. Sad but true.
Yer old pal Jerky thinks he's figured out Jimmy Fallon's deal. Basically, he's a cross between Adam Sandler, a young Mike Myers, and a great big fag.
As always, the less said about Andy Dick, the better.
It was sad to see that the kid from Napoleon Dynamite can't even do a decent Napoleon Dynamite impression anymore. Hollywood will do that to you, I guess.
Fallon's decision to launch the show with a Hotel Rwanda joke was pure genius. In the wrong comedic hands, it could have been a disaster, but the masterful SNL vet proved that even the brutal machete genocide of a million innocent Africans can be made to seem cute and inconsequential, given the right spin. His audacious jape also served as a much-needed reminder to everyone in attendance that, for the most part, theirs is a vacuous and spiritually toxic industry, which functions as a fecal feedback loop to simultaneously warp our collective, idiot culture and provide a distraction from the heinous crimes of the Powers That Be. Kudos, Jimmy!
Sandler and Rock, together again! Reprising the magic they first sparked during this year's Oscar telecast. Remember that? When Rock stood in for the "missing" Catherine Zeta Jones, exchanging sexually provocative banter with Sandler? No? Okay then.
First award of the night was for Best Team, and it was won by Mean Girls star Lindsay Lohan and the three older girls who buy her booze, cigarettes and cocaine.
The award for Best Villain went to Ben Stiller for his vaudevillian turn in Dodgeball, proving once and for all that winning an MTV Movie Award is entirely contingent on whether or not you're willing to show up in person to accept it.
Eminem started off his performance by doing the worst Triumph the Insult Comic Dog impression ever performed by anyone, anywhere, and that's saying a lot. He then lip-synched through his entire performance, which kicked off with a milk-safe ode to celebrity buttocks before moving on to a heartfelt declaration of undying love for his daughter. His segue into "if I may be serious for a moment" mode was so abrupt, you could hear the gears grinding to powder. Clutch, Marshall! CLUTCH!!!
How in the fuck did the cast of The Fantastic Four rate a minute-long standing ovation?! The movie hasn't even come out yet! What if it's crap? And those four twits just stood there soaking it up like they deserved it. Jimmy! I think it's time for another Hotel Rwanda joke, stat!
It's good to know Hillary Duff is "a big Molly Ringwold fan." Now hopefully their careers will follow similar trajectories, and Duff will soon slip into the blessed oblivion of has-been-hood.
That Star Wars parody contained what was perhaps the longest "laugh gap" yer old pal Jerky's witnessed since Saturday Night Live's "applause" sign went on the fritz one night in 1983. Ponderous, man… ponderous.
Eva Mendes versus Eva Langoria in a hot tub full of lukewarm Jello… discuss!
Despite his diminutive stature, Best Comedic Performance winner Dustin Hoffman was like a Zulu among Pygmies tonight. He stole the show, hit all the right notes and scored a P.R. coup. And he did it all by repeatedly grabbing his crotch. Kudos!
Yer old pal Jerky is becoming somewhat nonplussed by the number of times I find myself asking: "Who?!" Seriously, I could swear I saw one of tonight's nominees selling weed behind a Burger King only last week.
Mariah Carey's latest attempt to reinvent herself as a serious, classy torch-songstress might be a tough sell after the public's lack of interest in her "crack-whore jiggle queen" and "crazy-ass psycho-bitch" personas. Still, the Schindler's List dress was a nice touch.
Why do I get the feeling that Best Frightened Performance winner Dakota Fanning will be the subject a shocking E! True Hollywood Stories episode within the next few years? Can you say "wise beyond her years"? Can you say "Drew Barrymore snorting lines off E.T.'s belly"? I knew you could.
Yer old pal Jerky is adding "the New Rat Pack" -- Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell and assorted hangers-on -- to that long list of pop culture entities he just doesn't get. Individually, those actors can be alright. Damn fine, even. But together, as a collective, they join the likes of Vin Deisel, Paris Hilton, Cedric the Entertainer, professional wrestling, Coldplay and any band with a number in its name as complete psychic non-entities for me, existing only in some inaccessible echo universe beyond the bounds of time, space and dimension.
Pamela Anderson looked kind of, sort of… oh, I don't know… reupholstered? I'd still hit that, though.
Everything about that ridiculous Breakfast Club tribute was absolutely fucking surreal. From Hillary Swank's babbling introduction -- "Divided they sat, but united they stood!" and "They showed the good, the bad and the ugly of Teenage Wasteland!" being two particularly glaring examples -- to the hyper-maudlin rendition of Don't You Forget About Me, the whole thing floated past my eyeballs like a botulism-induced nightmare. Making things all the more unbearable, the much-touted "cast reunion" featured a grand total of THREE participants: Anthony Michael Hall, Ally Sheedy and Molly Ringwold, who has apparently contracted a touch of whatever disease it is that Jerry Lewis is suffering from. What, Judd Nelson and Emilio Estevez couldn't make time in their busy schedules to help their former co-stars to not look like the pathetic shark-jumpers they so obviously are? That's just cold, dudes.
Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gossling re-enacting their Best Kiss winning scene from period weeper The Corset made yer old pal Jerky's Slinky go sproing, if you know what Eminem means. Gossling's "darfur" tee-shirt also provided the first -- and only -- political statement of the night.
Katie Holmes and Tiny Tom Cruise? Wow, man… that's love. That's true love, right there. There's no way that guy could possibly be gay, considering all the macho movies he's been in -- as amply highlighted in his "Entertainer of the Millennium Award" show reel -- and considering the way he so totally and completely loves that girl. But Jesus Fucking Nailholes, is he ever short! I think the reason he carried his War of the Worlds co-star Dakota Fanning on and off stage was so he wouldn't be totally dwarfed by a nine-year-old girl. And how tall is Katie, anyway? Eight… nine feet tall? I'd still hit that, though… herpes and all!
Oh, look! Jimmy Fallon has picked up his guitar! Joy to the world!
Is it just me, or is Jessica Simpson looking a little bit like a zombie poodle tonight? Again, not that I wouldn't hit that.
Jessica actually helped settle a bet at Chateau LeBoeuf, when Best Musical Performance winner Jon "Napoleon Dynamite" Heder refused to touch her while accepting his award, thus proving he really is a Mormon. Or gay, which is basically the same. I mean, come on! He gives squeezing J.S. a pass, but hugs up on Johnny Knoxville's sorry ass?! That boy ain't right.
While presenting the award for Best Fight, The Rock told a story about how he killed a bunch of people in a barroom brawl when he was only twelve years old. I think The Rock is full of shit, personally.
I'm sure the Foo Fighters were pleased that Hillary Duff seized the opportunity to pose like a fucking Sears Christmas Catalog model while introducing their performance. "Frame your face with your hands! Open that mouth when you smile! Smile with your eyes! With your EYES!!! Now touch your face a little! Yeah! Shrug those shoulders up in that adorable way that you do! Now bring on the RAWK!!!!!"
About the Foo Fighters and their new song Much Ado about Nothing, yer old pal Jerky was kind of disappointed that they didn't allude to their being a last-minute replacement for Nine Inch Nails, who bowed out after being told they wouldn't be allowed to perform in front of a Preznit Dubya backdrop. Maybe Dave Grohl figures he's had enough Mentos whipped at him over the years that he can take a freebie when it comes his way, no questions asked. Still kinda sad.
And the winner of the MTV Movie Awards' coveted Movie of the Year award goes to… Napoleon Dynamite! Congratulations to all involved! I'm sure Napoleon Dynamite being the only MTV-produced movie nominated had absolutely nothing to do with its victory.
*** **** ***
Yer old pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #271:
I'm tired, and have to go to bed now. Good night.
|
Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
|
|
|
|
