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DOWNING STREET MEMO - PART II
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LEAK, BABY... LEAK!
Sniff-sniff! What's that smell? Kinda fruity and juicy, but bracing at the same time. It's a little bit like peach... but there's a hint of mint there, too. Wait! I've got it! It's im-peach-mint! As you may recall -- no thanks to the mainstream news media -- the leak of the so-called Downing Street Memo a few weeks back revealed that, contrary to vehement protestations to the contrary, Preznit Dubya and Co. had made up their minds to invade Iraq and depose Saddam Hussein by April of 2002, at the very latest.
The White House response to this damning revelation was twofold: First, instruct friendlies in the media to ignore or downplay the document's significance, and second ignore and deflect any rogue journalists who refuse to play ball. Tony Blair, on the other hand, made the mistake of trying to explain how the D.S.M. didn't really say what some people thought it said, asking: "Why would we have gone to the United Nations, then, if that was the case?"
Unfortunately for Blair, a new, even more damning leak sprang up last week, just in time to answer his deeply dishonest dodge... and probably leave him feeling like somebody slapped him hard in the nuts. The document in question is a Cabinet Office briefing from July, 2002, which warns British officials that the decision to invade Iraq was made three months prior, that Blair had already committed British troops, that it would be necessary to manufacture a justification for said action, and that using UN inspectors to goad Saddam into an aggressive posture would be a good way to go about this.
The White House was reluctant to go the UN route. What if Saddam agreed to every ridiculous demand? What if he failed to take the bait? But we know from other sources that the Brits stood firm, with Collin Powell taking their side. The rest, as they say, is history. Saddam did everything that was asked of him, but the Americans went in regardless. The Brits followed, as they'd promised. Statues were toppled, rose petals were thrown, and we all lived happily ever after.
So, what does this latest leak mean, exactly? It means that we now know Bush and Blair were lying through their teeth during their joint press conference last week. It means that the most damning interpretations of the Downing Street Memo are, most likely, the closest to reality. And, if we're lucky, it means that peachy, minty smell on the wind isn't just wishful thinking -- an olfactory mirage conjured up by years of political despair -- but a fore-smellening of things to come.
Keep your fingers crossed.
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Yer old pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #273:
Attention all fatties: A positive attitude can mean the difference between being chubby chased, and chubby chaste!
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NEWS AND SHIT
Yer old pal Jerky understands why auto workers and stock traders are worried about General Motors and Ford going under, but why is Toyota's head honcho sounding the alarm? Shouldn't Hiroshi Okuda be welcoming the winnowing of the competition? Apparently not, and the reasoning behind his fears is ominous. "Many people say the car industry wouldn't revisit the kind of trade friction we saw in the past because Japanese auto makers are increasing local production in the United States, but I don't think it's that simple," he recently opined at a meeting of the Japan Business Federation. "GM and Ford are symbols of U.S. industry, and if they were to crumble it could fan nationalistic sentiment. I always have a fear that that in turn could manifest itself in policy decisions." So what's Okuda's brilliant solution for this looming nationalist backlash? In a move reminiscent of Bill Gates buying up shares of Apple to forestall its demise, he suggests that Toyota simply raise the price on its vehicles, thus instantly making GM and Ford more "competitive". Capitalism... ya gotta love it!
Another wheel-well stowaway was crushed by landing gear last week, with a mangled hunk of his twisted carcass splattering the garage roof of a New York special education teacher. A custom agent found the rest of the stowaway's body hanging underneath the fuselage after the jumbo jet's safe landing. The flight began in South Africa, and made a stop in Senegal before crossing the Atlantic ocean. No confirmation yet as to whether or not the stowaway was coming to America to take part in the riots that are sure to take place after Michael Jackson is found guilty of child molestation.
Two big surprises from the world of entertainment industry news. First; Destiny's Child is breaking up so that Beyonce can pursue her solo career, and the other two can pursue careers as Colt 45 malt liquor and Aquanet hairspray spokesmodels... if they're lucky. Second; after years of frustrating failure, heterosexual movie star Tom Cruise has finally hooked a fish dumb enough to swallow the Scientology worm. This will bring Cruise's involvement with the whacky UFO cult full circle, seeing as he, himself, was brought into the Hubbard fold by a fellow celebrity, Mimi Rodgers. Anyhoo, FREE KATIE, muthafuckaz!!!
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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