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TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES - WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!
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Okay, yer old pal Jerky admits it: this whole "Tom Cruise Hearts Katie Holmes" thing is starting to get creepy. I know… it took me a while to come around. A lot of you caught on early. You wrote me, asking: "Why aren't you covering Tom Cruise's mental breakdown?" and: "There's something fishy about this whole deal, dude!" And I ignored you.
I didn't find anything particularly outlandish about the way he jumped on Oprah's couch. After all, that entire set is engineered with Oprah's crazy weight-swings in mind, and Tom is only a wee little guy, so the chances of him doing any damage were pretty slight. And as for his enthusiasm, it seemed like he was only reflecting the audience's admittedly psychotic, hot-flash-fueled exuberance back at them. That's what performers do. They go big sometimes. So I ignored it.
Then came the photographs of Katie Holmes with stubble burn and/or venereal lesions all over her face, and I poked some fun. Then came the MTV Movie Awards, and the standard short jokes. Then came the proposal, which I ignored completely. Then came the fake reporter squirting Tom in the face with a trick microphone, which he handled as well as any celebrity could be expected to handle such a situation. Nothing really funny about that.
But now, Fox News has come out with this spooky report about the sixteen day span that followed Holmes' flying out for a meeting with Cruise about a part in the upcoming Mission: Impossible 3, in April. During these sixteen days spent incommunicado Holmes fired her manager and agent, dropped her friends, traded in her old publicist for a new one with connections to Scientology… and fell, like, totally in love with Tom Cruise.
It gets creepier. Rumor has it that Katie wasn't exactly Tom's first choice for his post-Penelope Cruz paramour. Seems he's been on the hunt for some time now, aggressively courting such high profile cuties as Jennifer Garner, Kate Bosworth, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson. All young, all beautiful, all healthy, and, perhaps unlike ex-wife Nicole Kidman, all falling well within the boundaries of child-bearing age.
Could this be the key to unlock this mystery? Is Cruise desperately seeking a piece of lush, fragrant bottomland where his long-rumored-to-be-moribund seed might find easy purchase? And how far might he be willing to go in this pursuit? How many taboos would he be willing to smash in his race to procreate? Would Scientology be willing to help him out? Or what if they were the ones behind the whole thing? After all, Cruise is Scientology's flagship celebrity endorser, a man reputed to have traversed the Wall of FireTM and attained the loftiest heights of spiritual enlightenment, physical perfection and "cause over MEST" by "L.R.H. tech". It simply wouldn't do to have their poster boy be considered infertile. That would be like Mensa having Jessica Simpson as their national spokesperson.
So the question arises... is is possible that Katie's missing sixteen days were spent in a pitch-black sensory deprivation chamber at Scientology's notorious Clearwater facility, injected with gorilla doses of niacin and strapped down to a gurney with electrodes clipped to her toenails, while tapes of L. Ron Hubbard's droning psycho-sermons blared at eardrum-splitting volumes all day and night?
Perhaps. All yer old pal Jerky knows is he's still gonna go see War of the Worlds.
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Yer old pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #279:
A good game show needs to be more game than show.
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A visceral hatred for the Bush clan? A preference for briefs over boxers? Wolfing down family size bags of Doritos brand corn chip snacks in ten minutes flat? Hell, if Saddam was a paisley-puffer, him and yer old pal Jerky might as well be blood brothers!
A truly amazing story out of Etheopia today, as major news sources have confirmed that a trio of lions saved a twelve year old girl from her violent kidnappers, then protected her for hours until the authorities arrived. If the Rastafarians believed in miracles, those miracles would go something like this.
What's this? The world's first pollution riot? It's about fucking time.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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