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ZOMBIE DOGS AND OTHER HORRORS
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SCOOPED POOP-A-DOOP
In what some regard as a giant step towards the creation of an unstoppable hybrid zombie-robot army -- a RoZo Force, if you will -- researchers at Pittsburgh's Safar Centre for Resuscitation Research have successfully brought dogs back to life after three full hours of clinical death. Their groundbreaking technique involves killing a dog (regrettable), draining all the blood from its veins, then re-filling those veins with a freezing cold chemical-saline cocktail of indeterminate formula. No word yet on whether or not this fluid gives off an eerie green glow, but we'll keep you posted. Anyhoo, after three hours, researchers suck out the fluid, pump in some fresh blood, and give the dogs an electric shock, thus successfully bringing them back from the dead. Tests indicate that these zombie dogs are physically normal, with no apparent brain damage. "The results are stunning," claims one US battlefield doctor. "I think in 10 years we will be able to prevent death in a certain segment of those using this technology." Human testing is already in the planning stages, which should prove to be a boon for Life After Death researchers. Imagine being able to kill a person, then bring them back and quiz them about what goes on in Heaven and/or Hell! Maybe we can even get a few maps out of the deal. You never know.
Here's a link to a story about the racist Mexican stamps featured in today's Stupid, Stupid World.
Pink Floyd will be the penultimate act at this weekend's Live8, and their fifteen minute set will consist of three songs: "Breathe" from Dark Side Of The Moon, "Comfortably Numb" from The Wall, and "Wish You Were Here" from Wish You Were Here. Apparently, they have yet to rehearse. Just FYI.
In a nationwide poll jointly conducted by The Discovery Channel and America Online, dead president Ronald Reagan was declared America's Greatest American by more Americans than any other American… which is kind of fucked up when you consider that, by any fair standard, Reagan wasn't even the greatest Republican. Abe and Ike leave the Gipper in the dust. Then again, it's hard to get worked up over the results of a poll that saw Bill Clinton, Elvis Presley, Oprah Winfrey and Preznit Dubya getting more love than FDR.
"After Downing Street, it's important to remember the lies."
A controversial decision by the Supreme Court last week could end up costing one member of that august panel his home. Justice David Souter took part in the 5/4 majority ruling in "Kelo vs. New London", which seems to allow city governments to take land from one private owner and give it to another if it means more revenue for the government in question. A few days later, private developers put in an application to build a hotel where Souter's house currently stands, in the "Towne of Weare", New Hampshire. If you were outraged by the Kelo decision, and you'd like to fuck with a Supreme Court Justice's head, sign this pledge that you'll spend a couple nights at the "Olde Souter Place Hotel".
Paul Winchell, the voice of Tigger, died last week. Then, a few days later, John Fiedler, the voice of Piglet, also passed away. Is it too early to start talking about a "Curse of Pooh"? Or is it too late? You be the judge!
If there is any truth to the snowballing rumor that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran's new president-elect, was among the hostage-takers who... um... took a bunch of Americans hostage in Tehran back in '79... things could get complicated. And I don't mean that in the "what-a-great-propaganda-talking-point-for-those-who-want-to-invade-Iran" sense. I mean it in the "holy-shit-this-dude-probably-knows-everything-about-the-October-Surprise" sense. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to do whatever the fuck it is we think we're doing in that part of the world.
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Yer old pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #285:
You can't un-fuck a hornet's nest.
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Beginning tomorrow, the Daily Dirt will be running a three-part series of yer old pal Jerky's interview with Jeff Wells, author of Rigorous Intuition, the premiere para-political blog on the net. And so, for the next three days only, there will be no jokes, no quotes, no "On This Day" or "Ask Jerky" or Soapboxes or anything like that. Look for the return of these beloved features after the July 4 break. Have a good one, folks! Don't drink and drive... just drink! And remember not to eat too many fireworks, and to keep the hotdogs away from the kids! - YOPJ
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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