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DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER KICKS THINGS OFF
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100. DOG: THE BOUNTY HUNTER
After running out of barrel bottoms to scrape, desperate "reality television" producers have apparently begun dredging latrine ditches for new material to satisfy America's inexplicable hunger for their oxymoronic, lowest common denominator dreck. And of all the fecal wads being heaved into our living rooms on a 'round-the-clock basis, Hawaiian bail bondsman Duane "Dog" Chapman is a veritable King Turd, standing head and mullet above the rest. It's difficult to imagine how A&E could think the exploits of this born-again Christian ex-con -- who dresses like a roadie for Insane Clown Posse and keeps a portrait of Preznit Dubya prominently displayed in his office -- qualify as either art or entertainment. True, the show is not without a certain grim appeal. Dog's family, for instance, are the kind of freak show fuckups Diane Arbus would be photographing today if she hadn't killed herself back in the early 70's. Beth, Dog's wife and business partner, looks like a cross between Anna Nicole Smith and a Petri dish swimming with exotic STDs. Her leather fetishist wardrobe rivals even Dog's color-coordinated Zubaz and Kevlar combos for sheer, unintentional hilarity. And who among us doesn't enjoy the spectacle of a bad-ass gym rat in wraparound shades misquoting the Bible while he empties a can of industrial-strength Mace into the eyes of a cowering Polynesian meth-head? Despite being a smorgasbord for connoisseurs of human wreckage, however, Dog: The Bounty Hunter is the kind of retarded crap that belongs on Spike TV or the Trailer Park Channel, not on an outlet routinely touted by conservatives as one of the "commercial alternatives" that render PBS obsolete.
Dishonorable Mention: Reality TV's new breed of petrosexuals, a.k.a. "Kaptain" Robbie Knievel, Jesse James from Monster Garage, and those paragons of scripted family dysfunction from American Chopper.
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99. PARIS HILTON
It has often been said of Paris Hilton that she is famous primarily for being famous; a celebrity about whom there is nothing in particular to celebrate. Like her cocaine-pig disco predecessors from New York's swinging Studio 54 days, Paris can't sing, she can't act, and she can't even wash a car worth a damn. Nevertheless, you can't walk past a newsstand or watch TV for very long before being subjected to her trademark drowsy smirk. A marginal beauty, Paris' sex symbol status stems primarily from her Socialites Gone Wild lifestyle and her willingness to get her tits out for anybody with a camera and a smile. It's like she's wearing a Rohypnol patch. But hey, what does she care? She was born a millionaire! Perhaps it's this unprecedented combination of illustrious pedigree and porn slut exhibitionism that continually sends Paris' paparazzi party pics rocketing up the editorial chain of command and into our collective consciousness. That Paris Hilton occupies such an inordinately vast parcel of media real-estate is annoying. That a generation of 'tweens sees her as a role model is a national embarrasment.
Dishonorable Mention: Fellow hard-partying icons for little girls everywhere: Britney Spears, Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan.
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98. MARK BURNETT
Without Mark Burnett, there would likely be no Dog the Bounty Hunter or Paris Hilton as we know them, for as the producer of the inexplicably popular Survivor game show, Burnett has been the main, driving force behind the all-conquering phenomenon known as reality television. This British-born veteran of the Falkland Islands War can thus be held responsible for such crimes against culture as Big Brother, American Idol, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Fear Factor, The Swan, The Anna Nicole Show, Restaurant Makeovers, etc, etc, ad infinitum, not to mention his own post-Survivor productions such as Rock Star: INXS, The Apprentice, and The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Burnett frequently refers to his products as experiments in "sociological observation" and -- in the case of his first series, Eco Challenge -- "consciousness raising". In truth, he's more of a Guy Grand figure, getting people to submit themselves to the most painful, grotesque and humiliating debasements simply by dangling cash in their faces. He set out to prove that everybody has their price, and found out that most of us are bargains. When shows like Pimp My Wife, My Big Fat Prostate Milking and Digging Up and Fucking Grandma's Corpse For Dollars finally reach our airwaves, we'll have Mark Burnett to thank.
Dishonorable Mention: Anybody who's ever appeared on any of the above-mentioned programs.
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97. TOENSING AND DiGENOVA
Lawyers, partners and whatever-they-have-that-passes-for-a-soul mates, Joe diGenova and Victoria Toensing are one of Washington DC's most powerful power couples. They were also active behind-the-scenes players in the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy to bring down President Bill Clinton, a fact that they conveniently declined to reveal during the impeachment debacle, when the two of them could frequently be seen, together or apart, inflicting their hidden agendas on the home viewing audience. DiGenova, a former government prosecutor who found no wrong-doing in the first Bush administration's illegal plundering of candidate Clinton's federal files, is a classic right-wing foamer; one of those bellowing, crimson-faced lunatics with an explosive temper who tries to win every argument by attrition. Toensing -- who can currently be seen making the media rounds defending Karl Rove and calling Valerie Plame "a nobody" -- has a technique that tends more towards feigned disgust and wry innuendo. When contradicted, Toensing's brain appears to go into synaptic misfire. Her eyelids flutter in epileptic spasms and her head jerks back and forth, seemingly of its own accord. If it weren't for her trademark turtleneck sweaters and chokers -- worn, most likely, to hide the tell-tale bruises left behind by her hot-handed hubby during their vigorous "asphyxiation" sex-play -- she'd probably have a broken neck by now... and the world would be a better place.
Dishonorable Mention: Linda Tripp, Lucianne Goldberg and all the other behind-the-scenes "elves" who played an important role in America's rapidly approaching collapse by making the Lewinsky/Jones/Willy "Axis of Stupid" the central focus of Bill Clinton's second term in office.
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96. DENNIS MILLER
Following the terrorist attacks of 9/11, a great many talking heads were quick to announce the Death of Irony. Yer old pal Jerky never believed it. Irony did not perish in the conflagration and collapse of the World Trade Center; it just got more dangerous. One person who took this premature eulogy to heart, however, was stand-up comic and talk show host Dennis Miller. How much of Miller's political about-face from libertarian skepticism to unabashed Republican cheerleading was sincere, and how much of it was play-for-pay, we may never know. What we do know is that he was actively courted by a White House eager to cultivate friendlies in the entertainment media. They even went so far as to take Miller for a spin on Air Force One, where he was granted a private audience with Preznit Dubya. Power being the ultimate aphrodisiac, that's some undeniably powerful persuasion. But whatever the cause, the effect was disastrous. Miller, once renowned for his fiery rants and intelligent if obscure material, was reduced to taking torturously unfunny pot-shots at the French and declaring that Michael Moore "needs his ass kicked". Uncomfortable silences and flop sweat ensued. For playing ball, The Powers That Be got Miller a gig hosting a daily gab-fest on CNBC, where he stuck diligently to his RNC talking points. The ratings were almost as bad as the show itself, and they had to pay people to attend tapings. Towards the end, desperation drove producers to give Miller a chimp as a side-kick. But it was too late. In his rush to satisfy whatever drives compelled him, Miller pledged allegiance to the kind of political manipulators that he once would have rightly slashed to ribbons. He didn't sell his soul so much as he surrendered his weapons. The new Dennis Miller is utterly irrelevant. The old Dennis Miller is sorely missed.
Dishonorable Mention: This entry is sui generis.
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Yer old pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #298:
The world is my oyster. Unfortunately, I am deathly allergic to oysters.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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From Lena Scurry : You are dead wrong about Dwayne Chapman, and I hate you for saying the filthy things you said about him. I hope you go to hades.
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From kaitlyn : ur son is so hot!!
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From Bridgette oleson : I would like a picture of yall and your address I watch yall every night and I don't miss a show.
Bridgette oleson
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From Anonymous : thank you so much for dog...the whole family wtches the program and we are white,business people, home owners,with diplomas. dog is not for every one.but he is great for more than not.
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From pegasus : I LOVE to watch Dog the Bounty Hunter. Do we always have to be watching something to enrich our minds? This is a very intertaining show. Good going A & E. LOVE the Dog and Beth.
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From Betty : Your show is great, i wish it was in more often.
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From lisa : i think leland chapman is drop dead sexy. i would like to see more of him.
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