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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by A69778!
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So, the doctor refers him to an aboriginal medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner have to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night, he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123!" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.
His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
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Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke.
Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him.
Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.
"Do you understand?" his mother asked.
"Yes," replied Little Johnny.
"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.
"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.
"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.
"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Naveed...
"Have you been a good girl?" the mother asked when she phoned her daughter.
"Yes, Ma'am!" the daughter said. All those men told me I was VERY good!"
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THEY SAID IT!
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"For the past week I've been tracking my girlfriend through her mobile phone. I can see exactly where she is, at any time of day or night, within 150 yards, as long as her phone is on. It has been very interesting to find out about her day. Now I'm going to tell you how I did it."
- Click this if you want to find out how to stalk your significant other on the cheap.
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"I predict that would happen."
- Dissident Republican Congressman Ron Paul (R-Tx) predicts that, if the Democrats make sufficient gains in the 2006 mid-term elections, Preznit Dubya will be impeached.
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ON THIS DAY
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April 10
On this day in the year 837, Halley's Comet approaches to within 0.0334 astronomical units of planet Earth. One astronomical unit is the distance between the Earth and the Sun. That's just way too fucking close, if you ask yer old pal Jerky.
On this day in 1877, the first ever "human cannonball" act takes place in London, England. Actually, if you were to fire a human out of a cannon the way they launch a cannonball, the human in question would vomit forth from the cannon barrel in a pulpy gushing mist of organs and bones, rather than soaring through the air towards the safety of a net. It's actually all done with springs and... um... mirrors and shit.
On this day in 1912, the unsinkable Titanic sets sail on her maiden voyage across the Atlantic.
On this day in 1970, Paul McCartney publicly announces that The Beatles are breaking up. Many people still consider this to be the unofficial Last Day of the Sixties, but yer old pal Jerky reserves that honor for March 1, 1970: the final day on which our once proud whaling industry was allowed to operate before federal prohibitions went into effect. The heft of a well-balanced harpoon, the rivers of hot blood plunging knee-deep down the sluiceways, the shuddering death-bellows and the omnipresent stench of gore... give yer old pal Jerky that over peace and love and Strawberry Fields forever, maaan.
On this day in the year 1981 -- after years of special-effects production delays, studio interference, and conflicts between the stars, the director and producers -- the most highly anticipated film in the history of cinema finally reaches movie screens: CAVEMAN, starring Ringo Starr and his hot trophy wife!
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: I'M NO RACIST, BUT THOSE WETBACKS PISS ME OFF!
care of: Sofaking
MOPJ... I've been watching the immigration reform protests with indifference, for the most part. But today I saw something that invoked a visceral reaction that I didn't expect. There was a news report that showed an American flag being flown upside-down, below a Mexican flag, somewhere in California.
Seeing that just pissed me off and made me feel sad, all at the same time. I'm no flag-thrusting fascist that believes in fabric sybolism over human rights, but seeing the most prominent icon of my home team being publicly degraded IN FAVOR of visiting team's icon makes me wanna say something like this...
OK, you stupid Wetbacks... here's the thing. You are right about the fact that you are here doing jobs that other Americans won't do. You're crucial role in the machine of True America has never been stronger or more obvious. You have a HUGE voice in the way we move through the day to day of being a powerful and prosperous nation. For those of you not following along, that is The Good Ol' USA, (trademark). Red white and blue, love it or leave it for it's blessings and faults, you are a part of it.
Now consider this for a moment... Instead of running around trying to plant the Mexican flag and claim American soil in your great nation's name, you would have all marched through the streets with American flags on your backs? Illustrating the fact that you want to be part of the whole?
You could have made a poingant and powerful argument for your cause for legal inclusion in the American workforce and legitimized your demonstrations.
But now, no matter how many well intentioned and articulate soundbites from legitimate Hispanic leaders that I hear on the news, all I will see is a bunch of Wetbacks who just want to take the day off from work or school and have a fiesta.
Your Old Not Really A Racist Friend,
Sofaking
(If I was, my Immigrant Muslim wife would kick my ass.)
[Ah yes, the wonderful Power of The Image. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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You asked: "Could it be that Al Qaeda is a fabricated construct, with a bunch of brainwashed pawns (patsies) secretly being controlled by a core group of faux Jihadis, who themselves are acting on behalf of a rogue element of the American establishment that created them to do exactly what they're doing now, for all the worst reasons we paranoid people have come to expect?" Answer: Yes. Jack
[Thanks! I kinda thought so. - Jerky]
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Jerks, Normally I don't ask for any assistance, but... please tell me where I can find that article where GWB refers to the Constitution of the United States as, "...that piece of paper..." or something like that. I think I read it in the Dirt or TruthOut -- one of you published it. YOPMike in Ufa, Russia
[The source of this oft-repeated story was Capitol Hill Blue. Here it is. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky - yer old pal 6 here. When you gonna bring back the Lewd Lexicon? Here's something to add to it when you do. We're all familiar with "The Shocker," but check this out. I lifted this from here:
THE SPOCKER - Generally the same as The Shocker, except you insert your ring finger along with the baby one. Live long and prosper baby!
[We might bring back the Lexicon some time soon, maybe in another form. We might even make an e-book out of it! - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky! I found this on a chopper website. Whaddaya think? Spazmodeus
[What's a "chopper" website? - Jerky]
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Jerky; So I'm looking at craigslist, and theres an ad from a couple that says they want someone to come over, fuck the girl while the guy watches, pull out, cover her in cum, and leave. At the end it says "must be respectful." That's awesome. CT
[I think that's my mom's ad. - Jerky]
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Jerky one: I just logged on to your site to see if you were still out there. I had not gotten any mail in months. (I did the same thing back in Feb) While onsite, I attempted to "re-up" thinking I had fallen off your privileged list. But, no. The message was that I was already registered. Curious. So I registered with another name that will get email to me. Thought you would like to know that something is awry. Hope this is useful to you. Cordially, Gillian
[Honey, something is definitely awry. Most ISPs refuse to deliver our mail anymore. My advice to you is to bookmark the Dirt and check us out every day, as we try to update at least five times a week, and everything we publish goes on the site. - Jerky]
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Jerky; Ex-felons will soon no longer be able to fly on commercial aircraft. Soon thereafter, the same will be true of "deadbeat dads" and people who read books on a seditious publications list. CAPPSII Atlanta journal constitution says EVERYONE will get a threat level. ACLU says so too. Delta will be the first to use it. CAPS2 Background info will be stored for 50 years. Michael Savage Sedition Act to try dissenters and anti-war protestors for TREASON. We're talking about a national database of EVERY AMERICAN CITIZEN - and probably a great many Canadians and Mexicans - listing their "threat level." How do you think this threat level will be determined? No "little" breach of privacy will suffice. We're talking about Total Information Awareness. What did you read last year? You BOUGHT a copy of The NATION?! That's a seditious publication. Instant yellow. Combine that with the fact that you were reported by a neighbor as having attended a PEACE RALLY?! You're flirting with red, right there. Turn around and go home, no flight for you. Sit down and wait for us to come and drive you to the dissident camp. The call is going out to true believers. In the last couple of years alone, we've seen the newly right-wing New York Sun call for the CRIMINALIZATION of dissent. Bill O'Reilley says all dissident citizens should be considered OFFICIALLY declared enemies of the state and should be duly recorded by such Internal Security. They're getting ready to roll out new federal security provisions regarding high school students. It's coming. Keep watching the skies. Mike
[How I wish you were wrong. - Jerky]
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From FireFox : That's nasty, Six.
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From Greg D : Who needs a microchip, everyone carries the dreaded cell phone
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From Six : Mmmmmm....Lone Star.
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From FireFox : I hear ya Beudreaux, i'm down here in the Lone Star state....if you don't like Mexicans down here, you have yourself a problem. If it weren't for illegals, nothing would get done around here.
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From Beudreaux : On the one hand I gotta go with Sofaking... but a problem arises when I think about all my Hispanic friends... both legal and illegal (yeah... I know a few illegals i.e. "wetbacks"... so bite me). I really LIKE these people. So... ahem... can we just send back the ones I don't care about? Send back those people and not the ones that WORK THEIR FERKING ASSES OFF? Huh? Can we?
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From Anonymous : Hey Sofaking Aztln shall rise again. And if MEChA has its way, it'll be "For the Race, everything outside of the Race, nothing."
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From Perplexed : I'm telling ya - the microchips are in production & awaiting the next carefully orchestrated disaster to encourage the herd to have them inserted 'voluntarily' (although I'll be willing to be some soldiers have 'em & don't even know it). Unless the mass majority is willing to take a unified stand against encroaching fascism, freedom will ring no more.
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From FireFox : policarithmatic....beautiful, Jerky my man.
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