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ALL JACK-OFFS, GREAT AND SMALL
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FILLER McGEE!
Simple Scotty McClellan, Preznit Dubya's doughy, wet-eyed lie machine, has finally been put out to pasture. Now, at last, he finally gets to spend some quality time with Jeff Gannon/James Guckert, away from the cataract-filled eyes of the vaunted White House press corps.
If this report is true, and Preznit Dubya is planning a second "Shock-and-Awe" style assault wave in Iraq, I have just one question: What the fuck is there in Iraq that's left to destroy?! The stuff they built during the so-called reconstruction?
Whoops... maybe we were a little premature when we called off that whole Cold War thing. Especially considering this and this. Not very "horosho", lemme tell ya.
Hmmm... looks like the Feds are going to have to re-name their package of educational programs to No White Child Left Behind.
Check out the felonious voter registration documents that will hopefully be putting everybody's favorite hate-spewing polemi-cyst Ann "The Man" Coulter behind bars some time soon.
Marriage #2 for hereditary billionaire Richard Melon Scaife -- long one of the conservative movement's most generous sugardaddies -- has come to a hilariously ignominious end. It couldn't have happened to a bigger asshole.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's jokes were sent in by McTubers!
Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died.
Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.
Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.
Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.
Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1.
Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired.
Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.
Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.
Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.
Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces.
Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight.
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by our old pal Leonel (sorry buddy)...
A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING. "WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.
HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE CLOSET DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.
"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"
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THEY SAID IT!
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"In order to discourage the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction, we're destroying the international framework that we ourselves designed to discourage the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction."
- Joshua Holland explains how Preznit Dubya's mangos-for-nukes deal with India is another step in the neoconservative plan to spark Armageddon.
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"Regarding a potential motive, this appears to have been part of a plan to kidnap a person, rape them, torture them, kill them, cut off their head, drain the body of blood, rape the corpse, eat the corpse, then dispose of the organs and bones."
- Say what you will about child murdering scumbag Kevin Ray Underwood... at least he was organized.
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ON THIS DAY
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April 14
On this day in the year 1865, less than a week after the end of the Civil War, while watching a production of Our American Cousin at the Ford Theater, President Abraham Lincoln is shot in the head by acclaimed stage actor -- and disgruntled Confederacy sympathizer -- John Wilkes Boothe. Boothe had recently heard Lincoln urge his countrymen to grant voting rights to educated blacks, as well as blacks who had taken up arms in defense of the Union. Present in the audience that day, Boothe was heard to say: "That is the last speech he will ever make." And it was.
On this day in 1915, the Turks invade Armenia. Genocide ensues.
On this day in 1986, ninety-two people in Bangladesh are killed by hailstones... fucking HAILSTONES, maaan!
April 15
On this day in 1452, Leonardo da Vinci is born. On this day in the year 1865, President Abraham Lincoln finally succumbs to his mortal wound. On this day in 1912, the Titanic sinks at 2:27 AM in the North Atlantic, as the band plays on. 1500 die. Genocidal madman Pol Pot passes away peacefully in his sleep on this day in 1998. And, finally, on this day in the year 19 sixty-something, yer old pal Jerky LeBoeuf is born. Happy Birthday to me.
On this day in 1920, two anarchists by the name of Sacco and Vanzetti kill two security guards while robbing a shoe store. Amazing what used to be considered newsworthy, ain't it?
On this day in 1955, the first ever McDonald's restaurant opens in Des Plaines, Illinois. A nationwide obesity epidemic ensues.
April 16
On this day in 1943, Swiss chemist Albert Hoffman accidentally injests a small amount of the chemical byproduct known as LSD-25 while working at the Sandoz pharmaceutical research laboratory, thereby discovering its psychoactive properties. Since then, it's been a long strange trip through Nazi/CIA mind-control experiments, the offices of National Review Magazine, and really bad "jam" music. Come on... admit it. The Grateful Dead's Dark Star sucks colostomy bags when you're "earthbound."
On this day in 1947, during a speech at a ceremony honoring him for his... um... money, billionaire financier Bernard Baruch first coins the term "Cold War" to describe the post-WWII chill in Soviet-American relations and the resultant international gamesmanship-by-proxy. Yer old pal Jerky's glad the Powers That Be chose to go with Baruch's suggested nomenclature rather than former Secretary of State Sid Bellamy's choice: "The Big Jeezly To-Do!"
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: A QUESTION BUSH SUPPORTERS WON'T TOUCH
care of: Jack Frost
Jerky - On occasion, I intentionally subject myself to the comments sections on rabid conservative websites. Sometimes it's a waste of time, sometimes it's a lot of fun and sometimes it can be a learning experience. I find that chatting these neanderthals up online prepares me for when they confront me in person, then I have a fair idea where their arguments are going to lead and can find ways of 'heading them off at the pass', so to speak. And since I've got a big mouth and tend to spout off all sorts of anti-establishment rants, I get confronted fairly regularly.
However, these clowns do get to be a little tedious and have a frustrating debate style, especially once you've ferreted out the circular logic that butresses their rhetoric. They have a style that usually begins with being passive aggressive and demanding proof of your assertions, followed by a blanket dismissal of whatever source you tell them your info comes from and then, failing that, will attack your character usually based on what they think they know about 'liberals', which I am not (for the record: I apply no label to myself except that I am Jack Frost).
At any rate, these confrontations begin with my making an assertion like: Iraq was based on lies, or better yet George W. Bush (and pals) stole the 2004 election and everybody knows it. And boy, that last one sure sets them off. Some of them will go into near incomprehensible tirades about how wrong I am and that the election was fair. So then I drop this little hypothetical scenario on them:
Hey, let's play a little game, shall we?
Let's pretend that the 2004 election happened exactly the way it occurred with only one difference: Kerry wins and all the Repub/Dem roles are reversed.
The big contested state is still Ohio and it turns out that Ohio's Secretary of State also happens to be the co-chair of the Kerry election campaign in Ohio. It is soon discovered that the SoS has managed to disenfranchise thousands of potential Republican votes via a series of shady stunts, like rejecting registrations that weren't printed on the proper paper stock.
It is also discovered that the SoS has certified for the state questionable voting machines whose inner-workings and software are kept from public scrutiny by the Democrat-friendly corporations providing them. It will also come out even later that the SoS holds stock in the company whose machines he approved.
Then, on and after election day, a flood of citizens who tend to mostly be Republican, begin to complain about these machines having 'glitches' that result in the voter not being able to cast for the candidate of his or her choice. For example, when someone tries to vote for Bush, they press the button but the machine tells them they voted for Kerry. With no paper trail to verify the votes, the American public is forced to accept the outcome provided by the Democrat-friendly vote tabulators who assure us that everything's on the up-and-up. 'Trust us', they say.
In the end, it will turn out that 99% of these 'glitches' result in additional votes for Kerry. Concerned citizens begin to test 'mathematical theories' that tend to show the results were tampered with, but critics claim these people are unqualified and inept and their work is discounted. Exit polls, which seem to corroborate the findings of these citizens are laughed off as inaccurate.
The RNC then issues a report claiming not to have found any fraud in the Ohio election despite George Sensenbrenner having held a hearing that discovered piles of evidence. The Democrat-controlled Congress sees no reason to investigate and, in fact goes out of its way to shout down and ridicule anyone who attempts to question the results. Bill Frist decides to throw in with a group of concerned House Republicans and challenge the election results, but is not taken seriously.
Democrats say it's just sour grapes -- your guy didn't win and now you're upset. Time to move on, nothing to see here.
Okay, now tell me: would you still have the same position as you do now? Would you call for an investigation or would this all be kosher to you? Come on, show me that you're not a hypocite and say that you wouldn't mind if Kerry 'won' the last election in the same manner Bush did.
Not surprisingly, I have not had a single Bush supporter even respond to this scenario, even just to rake it over the coals. They won't touch it. Online, they'll just stop responding, in person, they'll scoff, wave their hand and walk away as if I'm just being unreasonable or rude.
Which is probably a good thing because they certainly wouldn't take kindly to my psychoanalysis of them for dodging the issue: Bush supporters who aren't profiting directly from his policies are only staving off the day when they have to admit to themselves that they've been duped by the corporate war criminals that have stolen our country.
- Jack Frost
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Jerky; The answer to illegal immigration is simple and has roots in the teachings of Sun Tzu: take down the fences and set up 24/7 surveillance. When you catch a pride of illegals, send all but one of them back across the border by catapult, human rights organizations be damned. The one who does not ride the catapult is then delivered safe and sound to wherever he/she originated to tell the story. Mmmmmm... that's good deterrent. I loves my catapult. The Mad Doctor
[Also, to save money, you could have it manufactured in Mexico. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; Former Illinois governor George Ryan has been found guilty of a whole bunch of stuff. And what pisses me off the most, the word REPUBLICAN can be found ONLY ONCE throughout the entire fucking article. dISGUSTING, i TELL YOU. Leonel
[I don't know what to think about this. On the one hand, Ryan seems to be a reasonable human being. On the other hand, he seems to be as crooked as the rest of his GOP brethren. The claims against him seem pretty vague to me. - Jerky]
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Jerky, I figured you had already seen this until I read Monday's dirt. I, as a retired Marine, find mucho truth in this essay. Brummbaer
[Good context on that whole "dissenting retired generals" thing. - Jerky]
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Jerky M'Man; I have to ask, If there is an "engineer" behind this intelegent design why hasn't his/her licence been pulled for shoddy workmanship? This whole life thing looks a lot like detroit's "planned obsolesence". I'll exhale now... It's springtime and the world outside the window looks good, have a good year M'Man. YOPJerry
[You have a good year too, Jerry. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; Want to sell your soul? Here you go!!! Marty
[Fuck, I already did. Think I can get a second soul mortgage? - Jerky]
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Jerky; As I recall from last year, your birthday is upcoming, or I just missed it. Either way, I'll eat some frosting off my wife in your honor. Btw, my birthday is April 20, which makes my birthday 4/20/69. Cool, huh? Sign me The Jeepster
[Actually, that is pretty cool. And thanks! - Jerky]
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Jeez mate, just finished reading the answers your leader (?) gave to some students at some poofter-named school in The Land of the Fucked and I have to say that your format was all the more pithy by you not including the questions. With this dick-head in charge, is it any wonder that the rest of the world is pissing itself laughing whilst shuddering to think of the power at the finger-tips of a retard? Cheers, Santa in NZ
[Nope. - Jerky]
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From Indigo : I dont have a soul to sell.
It was bought and paid for by Jesus at the cross.
So who does it belong to now? Jerky?
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From keith : happy birthday fatboy
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From Six : Or how about this to solve the immigration issue- use it to divide the population into two ideologically feuding parties and manipulate only one percent of either of them to vote your way. I think that solves everything. Either way, the Mad Max world full of Mexican biker cannibals eating up the white man's welfare system is just another end times fantasy.
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From southie : the immigration issue is far simpler than you think, and it would be a good idea, to close all american sweatshops around the world bring back all that work to the us, make all illegal immgrants return to their points of origin, wether it's mexico or anywere (including canada) close american borders to commerce from ANY country, and do whatever america can to survive, also, take the troops out of irak, maybe those poor bastards can work the fields, and while we're at it, also stop buying foreign oil and u
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From Perplexed : Happy Birthday. Is it a good thing or a bad thing to be born - and the celebrate what can only be a traumatizing experience every year for the rest of your life?
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From Leonel : Hey Jerky,
ALL them republicans suck. The most sane there may be are still guilty by association.
Happy Bday. (no wonder I was missing the dirt...... you were getting wasted for your bday!). I'll try to find a pic of Pol Fucking Pot for you.
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From Anonymous : Happy Birthday Jerky. Long time reader. "Aside from that Mr. Lincoln, how did you like the show?"
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From FireFox : I gave him a razz about that birthday thing a few years back myself.
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From David In Denmark : I recall Jerky asserting that the REAL 'unofficial' last day of the sixties was not the day the Beatles broke-up, but his own birthday, which was April 15, 1970. He refuses to be a child of the '70's ... which I can totally grok.
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From Andy : Hey Jerky... Happy Birthday to US! (Yup.... Lincoln and the Titanic fer sure.... but you forgot to mention TAX TIME!)
Hope you had a good one.
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From Six : I'll tell you what the solution to illegal immigration is erase the law that makes it illegal.
Oh yeah, and Yankee Nine- he ain't THAT old! He just had a birthday a few months ago. If I recall correctly, it involved rum, a slushee, and hillbilly heroin, as well as a dominatrix putting him down on all fours and fisting him.
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From Yankee nine : Happy forty-something Birthday! J-man! Many more ! Keep up the good work!
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From Sindy : Happy (belated) Birthday, Jerky!!
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