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Previous Dirt Files
Filling in the blanks

Porter goss goes bye-bye

What they were saying then

Impeachment isn't nearly close enough

Stephen colbert - like a punch in the face!

Lewd lexicon

The quicker filler upper!

More rush-job filler stuff

Be the change

Don't pet the sweaty things



LINKS AND KINKS




STILL PLAYING CATCH-UP

  • In what experts describe as a knee-jerk response to the freakish display recently put on by New York City area magician David Blaine, the Pentagon is declaring an end to waterboarding, the practice of submerging detainees underwater until they confess to whatever it is you want them to confess to.

  • This week, official Vatican astronomer Guy Consolmagno dismissed creationist arguments as a form of paganism. This has prompted many people to wonder, what the hell does the Vatican need an official astronomer for?!

  • Here's a great new way to cleanse your body from the inside out.

  • According to Bill Clinton, the greatest moment of his presidency was ending the Kosovo conflict. According to Jimmy Carter, the best moment of his presidency was the Camp David peace talks. Click here to find out what Preznit Dubya's greatest preznitential moment was, according to Preznit Dubya, himself.

  • Remember Dirt reader Marc Roussel, the guy who sent in a Youtube link to his short film, Dear Barry? Well, he just sent in a link for his next movie, Rotten Clown. It's a bit on the short side, but fun and nicely shot. Check it out if you are so inclined.

  • Speaking of online movies, somebody went and uploaded Terry Gilliam's film of Hunter Thompson's seminal gonzo tome Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas -- the whole friggin movie -- to Google Video. If you haven't seen it yet, you might wanna check it out. But do it quick, because it won't be up for long.

  • You know what I hate? I hate when the host of a TV show says "We'll be right back after these messages," and then, when they come back, you get nothing but closing credits. That's just a despicable ploy.

  • Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
    JOKES!
  • Today's first joke was sent in by Hibby!

    I went into the 7-11 gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
    The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

    *** *** ***

  • Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke.

    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
    His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
    Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

  • WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
  • Today's groaner was sent in by Trembly Dale...

    A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
    "Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
    "I'm sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
    A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
    Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
    When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
    "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
    Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription:
    "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

  • THEY SAID IT!

    "Science offers the prospect of eventual cures for terrible diseases — and temptations to manipulate life and violate human dignity. With the Internet, you can communicate instantly with someone halfway across the world — and isolate yourself from your family and your neighbors. My advice: Harness the promise of technology without becoming slaves to technology. My advice is that science serves the cause of humanity and not the other way around."

    - First, he says we're in the middle of World War III, now Preznit Dubya is hinting at some kind of technological collapse. Nice work if you can get it.

    *** **** ***

    "Anybody who thinks the death penalty was more punishment than this doesn't know what it's like to live completely alone for the rest of your life."

    - Bernard V. Kleinman, lawyer, regarding Zacharias Moussaoui's Supermax destination.

    ON THIS DAY

    May 3



    On this day in 1808, two hot-air balloon-riding Frenchmen exchange pistol-fire while floating above the city of Paris. One monsieur LePique is killed in the incident, prompting France to immediately surrender.

    On this day in the year 1845, a fire rages through a theater in Canton China, killing an incredible 1,600 theater-goers. Gee... you think maybe somebody should have yelled something in that crowded theater?!

    On this day in 1938, the Vatican officially recognizes Generalissimo Francisco Franco's government, in Spain. In the forty years between his inauguration and the end of his murderous reign in the 1970's, nobody from the Roman Catholic hierarchy bothers suggesting that maybe Franco should be denied the right to receive Holy Communion. Come to think of it, they never said Mussolini should be turned away, either. John Kerry, on the other hand...

    On this day in 1963, the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior delivers his "I have a dream" speech. It was received with far greater enthusiasm than the previous week's "I have a headache" speech.

    On this day in 2005, First Lady Laura "Pickles" Bush had them rolling in the aisles when she interrupted hubby Dubya and launched into a raunchy stand-up routine at that year's White House Correspondents' Association dinner. It took the Washington Hilton staff all night just to mop up all the piss that flowed so freely from many of the laugh-wracked attendees' bladders. Especially funny was the bit where she talked about Dubya jerking off a horse.

    READER'S SOAPBOX!
    Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.

    TOPIC: WEIRD FOX TV MIND-WASH PROGRAMMING SKED

    care of: ACD

    Ya know, I try to avoid getting too caught up in conspiracy theories about TPTB and the BFEE. But sometimes a night of FoxTV will give you pause… Such as this last Sunday night:

  • The Simpsons Boys & Girls & Math episode tonight was disturbingly unfunny. I found Principal Skinner’s verbal predicament under the feminists’ glower to be particularly galling – it has been a 15-year strategic lynchpin of the Rabid Right to bang the “politically correct” gong at every opportunity, so that now any peep from the oppressed is greeted with a condescending smirk that gleefully conflates using “African American” or “Asian” with screechy demands from the victim-fringe for “differentially abled” or “weight-challenged” or “vision-impaired”. You see, if our punditry stomps its collective feet to say that “fat” and “blind” and “crippled” are reasonable terms, the unspoken corollary is that nigger and chink never should have lost their vogue. Politically correct becomes a catch-all dismissal of every protest from every minority. In the instance of last night’s Simpsons, Skinner was attacked by Limbaugh’s prototype feminazis for saying anything that might distinguish one gender from another. The completely unsubtle message was that crazy feminists want to neuter common sense, and that equal pay and equal educational opportunity are every bit as ridiculous a demand as insisting we call them firepersons and co-mingling our restrooms.

  • King of the Hill then came on to ridicule the social safety net and insist that most beggars and homeless people are merely con artists, as is anybody receiving government aid. Well, except Halliburton and ExxonMobil and Archer Daniels Midland and loggers and ranchers and billionaires.

  • Family Guy went after gay-marriage, with the most reasonable compassionate people expressing the concerns. Crazy Peter was all for ridiculous weddings between dogs and aliens, etc., while his sweet wife kept on saying that she has no problem with gay men but that their marrying “just isn’t right”. Meaning that the far right position was portrayed as the common sense sweet and loving one.

  • American Dad then set about decrying the idiocy of women wanting to work, and portrayed the wife as being an utter nincompoop anywhere outside the kitchen, and not deserving of any professional opportunity, where she was clearly over her head.
  • Meanwhile, our local Fox outlet ran constant ads asking in an ominous voice-over: “why is it so easy for illegal aliens to drive in Massachusetts?”, and “what to do if they ram into you?”. Any person can of course drive illegally in Massachusetts. Just turn the key and go.

    I have no statistics to back me up, but I’ll bet my bottom dollar that 95 percent or more of the illegal drivers in the state are U.S. citizens, most likely white suburbanites with too many DUIs under their belt or black teenage boys who don’t give a shit or can’t afford $2K per year in insurance. As for ramming into us, Fox makes it sound as though there’s an epidemic of Mexican juggernauts slamming into our babies. And of course the principle would be the same as an accident with any uninsured driver – you’ll have trouble collecting, and they have committed a crime by driving with no insurance.

    Again, I bet the driving uninsured and the ramming are committed 95 percent of the time by citizens. Why isn’t the issue about people who drive illegally and what to do if you get in an accident with someone driving illegally? Because then Fox couldn’t whip up a frenzy against brown people with funny accents. It’s no fun talking about white suburban miscreants. Unless they’re child molesters.

    Maybe a good illegal alien child molester story can run after next Sunday’s cartoons.

    - ACD

    FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!

    Hey Jerky!!! About that Colbert video that people seem to think has dissapeared from the internet... Hasn't anyone tried to Google it? Tunnel vision is dangerous reguardless which side were on. Bobby King

    [Easy, big guy! We can't be everywhere at all times. I, too, noticed the story about Google entering into an exclusive deal with C-Span for this video, but only after posting yesterday's Dirt. Anyhoo, thanks for the link. - Jerky]

    *** **** ***

    Dear Jerky; Please Change the Ugly Tron its been on too long and is boring the rest of the Mag is super Keep up the good work. Regards, The Fighting Roo (from The Land Of OZ down under)

    [Here you go... Enjoy! - Jerky]

    *** **** ***

    Sir; What means "Noice" as used to end the Plamegate piece? Danny

    [It's a sarcastic, exaggerated way of saying the word "Nice". - Jerky]

    *** **** ***

    Hey Jerky; Check it out... Cthulego! Spidoman

    [I think I dreamed about that when I was a kid. - Jerky]

    *** **** ***

    Mr LeBoeuf, Arranged by size, we have -- Novel, Novelette, Novella, Novelini, and Salmon, Salmonette, Salmonella, Salmonini. Little whisps of smoke came outa my SpellCheck. Aram

    [Sigh. - Jerky]

    *** **** ***

    Jerky; When you have some time to watch. It would be nice to get a copy of this Flash presentation. Money and power. David

    [The video at the link in your inexplicably cryptic message is well worth watching. It covers a topic we've discussed in these pages on a number of occasions. - Jerky]

    *** **** ***

    Yo Jerkster; After checking out this site, be sure to contact Congress and thank a random Republican. Trembly Dale

    [Tell'em Trembly sentcha! - Jerky]



     
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    From Perplexed : ACD you can easily verify your hypothesis by sitting in any criminal court room observing those labeled 'miscreants' being herded in and out. The 'judicial system' is a business. 'Criminals' are needed to keep court personnel employed. The guilty villians are then fined large sums of money they cannot afford for driving uninsured vehicles that they could not afford. Their 'criminal record' (and repeat offenses) thus assured. Sad mess.

    From Six : There seems to be some discrepancy in Bush's best moment. Some sources say it was a 7 lb. perch, others say a 7lb. largemouth bass. The bass is more likely considering perch don't get that big except maybe in South America. I think it's all a big fish story.

    From GCD : to ACD, you really should not watch TV for it is mindwash. How do you think that they control the herd anyway

    From Jim is not my name : With regards to the "Conspiracy of Silence" and Boys Town it might be prudent to find out which billionaire lives near there and has ties to Bush, jr via 9/11...





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