|
|
SCIENCE FICTION DOUBLE FEATURE... AND A BIG FISH
|
|
Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
|
|
|
JOKES!
|
Today's first joke was sent in by N8Possibilities!
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE! YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION! BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Towjam for sending in today's second joke.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
|
|
WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
|
Today's groaner was sent in by Groucho DuhVinci...
Two dolphins are flying thru the sky over the middle of the ocean.
One turns to the other and sayes, "move over. You're crowding me!"
|
|
THEY SAID IT!
|
"I am very surprise to see this verdict to come on me because I was not expecting that. When I came they told me somehting else and I am coming, got interview, and so a big surprise anyway."
- Go here, read the story and watch the video linked from there, in that order. Trust me, you don't want to miss this one.
*** **** ***
"It's time for you to get some new cell phones, quick."
- A senior federal law enforcement official tells ABC News that The Powers That Be are monitoring their phones in an effort to ferret out whistleblowers who dare to divulge information about high level corruption and law-breaking, probably so they can kill them.
|
|
ON THIS DAY
|
May 10
On this day in 1872, Victoria Woodhull became the first woman to be nominated for President of the United States by a national party. The Equal Rights Party was a short-lived and self-contradicting confabulation of anti-poverty advocates, female suffragists, Spiritualists, communists and racial minorities, hell-bent on government reform, equality among citizens, and common progress. Suicidally devoted to their principles, the Equal Rightists insisted on rounding out their ticket by nominating Frederick Douglass, a black man, for Vice President. So their Presidential ticket consisted of some uppity female and an ex-slave... in 1872!!! Predictably, the ERP eventaully got, like, seventeen votes or something.
Despite the glaring absence of either a laser light show or the music of Pink Floyd, the first planetarium in the United States of America opens in Chicago on this day in 1930.
On this day in 1995, 104 South African miners are killed in an "elevator accident." Something tells yer old pal Jerky they exceeded the posted limit.
The institution of democracy manages to both do itself proud and shame itself on this day in 1994. First, in South Africa, freedom fighter Nelson Mandela is sworn in as South Africa's first black president after decades under the heel of a brutal Apartheid regime. YAAAY!!! Meanwhile, in Italy, billionaire media mogul Silvio Berlusconi forms a government with five self-described neo-fascist co-conspirators. BOOOO!!!
|
|
READER'S SOAPBOX!
|
Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: ALTERNATE INTERNETS
care of: Etna Fred
Ciao Jerky, the Champion of Free Speech! Since, according to this, we are shortly going to be subjected to an effective removal of the Internet's equality, because the web is centralized in America and controlled by Corporate America for their own profit, why can we not set up a European switching center which would be independent of the greedy Americans?
Perhaps they could only restrict access to the American sites, which would be considerable, but even so, if there was an alternative centre in Europe, it could provide service to non-American sites with no censorship.
I must admit that the years we have had of complete impartiality on the net have surprised me, as I was under the impression that Americans did nothing that wouldn't bring a profit. While I realise that the net was set up by Academic America for the exchange of information, couldn't Academic Europe do the same or similar, and set up a Euronet with ties to the American one?
Since I spend a lot of time on the Internet -- what else can an old man of limited mobility find to exercise his mind? (apart from Porn which really only exercises his glands) -- I am very concerned at this latest unannounced assault on the vaunted American Freedom of Speech!
Keep up the porn as long as you can.
- Etna Fred
[The technology involved is way over my head. If anybody cares to weigh in on this topic, - Jerky]
|
FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
|
Dear Mr. Jerky... We've all seen the latest news regarding the Bush Crime Family "data-mining" our phone records. (Here's a tip... rush out and buy Q-West stock RIGHT NOW.) The day after this story broke, the "liberal" media was posting stories about how "63% of the population doesn't care" about the theft of their telephone records. I was screaming "bullshit" everytime that polling number appeared. Now this article says people DO care. You have been screaming it for years and now Bill Mahar jumped on the bandwagon in his HBO finale last Friday night and I immediately thought of you; "Six degrees of separation". People don't care about data-mining? They should. I'm friends with Bob and Bob hangs with Muhammed. Muhammed attends a mosque and hangs with Abdul and Abdul knows..... well.... there you are. Now I'm hearing hints of hundreds of thousands of lawsuits against Verizon & AT&T. I hope so. This has gone far enough. Cheers, Andy S.
[It sure has, but that doesn't mean it's gone as far as it's going to go. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Yo Jerks! Another fun game care of Yer Old Pal Mick.
[Wow. That was evil. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Hay Jerky; I think anyone that voted for Dubbya 2 times should get a pass to run in the Special Olympics. The poster of the retarded kid was funny, but not P.C. You will get mail! A sick mind is a joy for ever. Have you ever gone a week with out a ton of Hate mail? If you do anything right you will get hate mail. Keep your powder dry, Pard. RASTY!!!
[No complaints about the retard pic so far, but if you enjoy hate mail, check out the next letter. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Fucking morons it must be a terrible time to be one of the left wing jerk-offs who can only bitch and moan some of the crap you write. as for the 36 representives who supported the house bill, i guess the other 399 should bow down and give in. c'mon asshole, since when does 1/7 make all the sense and the other 399 are dead wrong. it must be a terrible time for you piss and moaners. get a life! Verak21
[Thanks! I needed that. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Hi Old Pal; In addition to Smiley's piece, part of the 'argument' they use is, "if you don't like Bush, why don't you leave?" Simply ask them where did they live during the Clinton era. That usually gets a blank stare. Oh, so you agreed with everything the Clinton admisistration said or did? Or, did you feel as an American you had the right to disagree? I guess it's just too subtle. Sklag
[Sarcasm is too confusing for right-wingers. Just wait til they're walking away from you, then sucker punch them in the back of the head. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Hey Jerky; If it is so easy to fuck with these voting machines, why are repugs the only ones doing it? I'm not advocating cheating, but if we could get enough people to fuck the systems up, don't you think it would force a re-vote with a more accurate and verifiable system? Just a thought. Matt Dragon
[Force a re-vote? I don't think so. I think the Powers That Be would take that as an excuse to just cancel elections altogether. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Hey Jerky, So, your poll question-which will happen first, Impeachment, Terrorist Attack or Neither-its a no brainer. First, Dubbya doesnt need to orchastrate a terrorist attack again! If he did, mid terms would be a sure loss. He's the "Security Preznit". Anyone who believes he is that stupid has to much faith that Osama was anythning more than a co-conspirator. Republicans already reaped the benefits of their attack on America, another attack would drive the battle cry for voting them out. Impeachment? Are you serious? Does anyone really believe Democrats can take enough seats to present a threat? Dont get me wrong, its a dream - I would celebrate. I will vote Democrat, but the elections are already being set up. Democrats will not receieve a majority. Like here in PA. we just got all new electronic voting machines. Yes, I am one of those nut jobs who doesnt trust a computer with no receipt. And Faux news is already setting up the big rip off. Every other polling outlet shows the Democrats could kick some major ass in November, all except the Fox polls. Funny enough, all media outlets come election time go with Fox as the trusted news leader - so, I am planning for another heartbreak. I truely believe a mix a 1984 and Animal Farm is upon us. As China moves into the only world power spot and we descend into Britian's role (if that) to many have grown to be Gen X about it all. Later, The Dalhi Bobba
[We'll see, man... We'll see. - Jerky]
|
|
From SofaKing : Where are u, Six? I travel around quite a bit and might be near you sometime. Otherwise, I promise to tilt a cold one back for you when FireFox and I meet.
|
From Six : Sofaking and Firefox If I lived in that metro area I'd invite myself to join you guys. Drink a couple- or 12- for your Old Pal Sixlegged.
|
From SofaKing : Hey, FireFox... drop me a line and let's have that beer. I work in NRH.
|
From mojorizen : I think the internet was originally invented for the military. In case of a nuclear war. If a couple internet junctions get knocked out, the internet will automatically reroute the information being sent in the most efficient path available.
|
From FireFox : Judging by the looks of him, I would guess it's the frosting/icing thing hehe
|
From Six : So "Frost my nuts." Obviously frost is a verb, but to what type of frost does it refer? Are we talking frozen condensation, or a delicate, possibly creamy icing...or a glazing perhaps?
|
From Archereon : basically what I did there Six
|
From SofaKing : The 44oz Slurpee always frosts my nuts. Maybe I need a cupholder in my car?
"Frosts my nuts"... heheh. Good one. May I use it, MOPJ?
|
From Jerky : Re Posting twice... Sometimes it happens. No biggie. It's when people post a dozen times that frosts my nuts.
|
From Six : I accidentally do the double post thing twice too, usually when I go off and leave the 'Dirt open for an extended period of time and come back to refresh to see if it's been updated.
|
From SofaKing : Hata- It's easy to accidentally post twice. You write your post and hit refresh to see if it posted and it posts twice. Maybe it's a browser issue, but I don't think Arch was trying to do it on purpose. I hate people that hate other people for piddly reasons. How about that? Which considering you were hating out of ignorance, I dont hate u.
|
From Hata : I hate people that post their responses twice!
|
From Archereon : Here in NZ we get right whingers that equate a dislike of bush and his cronies with a dislike of the US, while their hatred of our current centre left govt is apparantly not a hatred of NZ. Right wing incoherant inconsistancies know no boarders
|
From Six : Allright, the Spock thing was funny. It would have been funnier had you shown an image of "The Spocker," hidden deep inside a couple of cavities, but I digress. Jerry Springer stopped being funny in 1998.
|
|
|
