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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Dac!
A kid was riding in a taxi with his mom on the way to the zoo. When he sees a dog he says to mom in his squeeky annoying voice, "If you were a dog I would be a puppy, right?"
Mom agrees.
Then he spots a horse.
"If you were a horse I would be a colt, right?"
The driver is getting fed up so he says, "Hey kid, if your mom was a hooker and your dad was a pimp, what would you be?"
The kid answers: "A taxi driver!"
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Thanks to our old pal Towjam for sending in today's second joke.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir...
During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Ivonne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars.
Ivonne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, was carefully stepping over her.
Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time, boys... one at a time."
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THEY SAID IT!
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"We always balance privacy and security."
- CIA nominee Michael Hayden pays utterly meaningless lip service to the very same Constitutional guarantees that he so recently declared to be null and void.
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"The [housing] boom is over. I think we can safely say that with a strong degree of confidence."
- Thanks, former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan, for giving us all another reason to stock up on anti-depressants. Let the unrelenting wave of foreclosures begin!
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ON THIS DAY
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May 15
On this day in 1991, while former CIA chief/then-President George Herbert Walker Bush escorts the Queen of England to a Baltimore Orioles baseball game (I shit you not), the Defense Department releases documents showing that Central American dictator Manuel Noriega was, at one time: "The CIA's man in Panama."
Starting out as little more than a fruit standwith a dingy mattress out back where you could fuck the fruit stand manager's daughter for a buck -- and maybe shoot rats with his son if he felt like it -- the city of Las Vegas, Nevada, is founded on this day in 1905.
Mickey Mouse made his first appearance on this day in 1928, and the character STILL isn't in the public domain. Most people haven't got a problem with this. Should they? I don't know, maaan. All I know is, when you work at Disney, nobody fucks with the mouse. (Harlan Ellison said that!)
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: INTERESTING WAL-MART FIND
care of: Jeepster
Dearest Jerky - I was at the local Wal-mart tonight, and found myself in need of using the facilities. Now, you should understand that I am trying a new method of subversion to protest the unfair labor practices of the great blue by moving things from the area where they belong to places where they don't. For example, I'll take a t-shirt and leave it in frozen foods, or a bottle of preparation h and leave it in the infant toys.
Anyway, I am also one of those who need reading material while "dropping the kids off at the pool", so as I passed one of those little religious-book kiosks on the way, I saw an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.
The booklet I grabbed was something titled How to be a Prayer Warrior, by Elisabeth somebody-or-other. It started out with a statement on how this woman started "serving" a pastor, and that this minister had rented a house just for prayer. Think about that, this dude had taken the alms given to him to help the needy or whatever, and instead rented some empty hovel just to kneel in. Then he enlisted this Elisabeth whoever to pray four to six hours every day.
So this little wasteoid started praying one quarter of every day away, and recommends that everyone do the same. As my mind started to see Sissy Spacek-locked-in-a-closet-going-nuts-learning-to-move-things-with-her-mind shit, I started flipping pages.
I happened to stop on a section that purported to explain which prayers would give what piece of spiritual "armor", including belt and shoes. Not only was there a separate invocation for each piece of armor, but also a list of biblical verses which corresponded to the need for each item. Now, to be honest, I started thinking that this chick was not only moving stuff with her mind, but had also played a little too much dungeons and dragons in her time. So I flipped more pages.
Now is where we get to the point of this little missive. Elisabeth whatshername gave some pillars of prayer, which included obedience, submission, and whatever. These were designed to look like a little house or something. But these were to be used to combat "carnal urges". Now, whereas the pillars were in bold print, these carnal urges were in really fine print. The first among them was "intellectual thought". Then it hit me. I now understand where the neo-cons get their hatred of science. They truly believe that thought is something to be combated, not embraced. Thinking about a subject merely clouds the ability to blindly follow whatever "other" by which they are driven.
This explained it all to me. Where we who are free-thinkers who do not understand the need to force religion on others or force religion into arenas where it does not belong tend to use rational arguments to dissuade them, those who are other-driven see this as a use of intellectual thought that must be combated and overcome by prayer. In short, they see our logic as the enemy.
This also explains much of the fear-mongering that is so pervasive by The Powers That Be. The easiest way to kill logic is fear. To quote Herbert "Fear is the mind-killer". Fear tears away our reason, and leaves us more pliable to the agenda they have set before us. And they believe this terrorizing is right because THEY PRAYED FOR IT.
Getting back to Elisabeth Whatsherface, she states that one should pray until one hears the voice of God, or receives peace. Therefore, one can extrapolate that whatever you do that might be evil, like threatening another country with a nukular attack of whatever, you can merely lock yourself in the prayer house or broom closet, and pray until God says its ok, or until you have a comforting feeling that tells you in your gut its ok. And if your adversaries use wisdom and knowledge to attack your stance, that is just intellectualism rearing its ugly head. Go forth and destroy the super-ego, for it is against what you believe God wants, I suppose.
Anyway, after that, I had to wipe and all. To be honest, I was gonna leave that book in Big Men's clothing, but I decided to go ahead and leave it in the crapper, because it was so full of shit. It seemed more appropriate. I also apologize for not getting the author's full name, but I didn't have a pen, and all my notes would have been fuzzy anyway.
Your ole pal,
Jeepster
[Thanks, Jeepster! That was some great reportage. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Hey Jerks, I feel like banging my head against a wall. Why can't we get more people to pay attention to the really intelligent arguments like this one from Bob Johnson? "Incompetence? Sure. But only because, fundamentally, they do not give a flying fuck about America or its citizens. (Never mind how little they think of the citizens of the rest of the world.) They care only of themselves - and money. Simple, really. It is no accident that indifference is a synonym for selfishness. And that selfishness can be synonymous with greed." Instead most people I know get their info from Faux News, and never once crack a newspaper or book and are completely untrusting of anything online. I spent an entire lunch hour last week trying to educate a Faux News watcher who pissed me off by saying "I believe Bush is a good President" and that he's better than Clinton was. I now know for a fact that anyone who gets their news from Fox knows absolutely nothing other than TPTBs talking points. YOP
[True. Now the question is, where do TPTB get their talking points? - Jerky]
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To Whom it May Concern; I will go down on you and make you extremely happy. But only long enough until you think its going to get better. Then I will come back up and fuck you like no other. Sincerely yours, Gas Prices
[Dave's not here, maaan. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky! How about this? RASTY
[Those who live by the map must die by the map. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; Heather McCartney goes to her lawyer and tries to get all of Paul's money. After reviewing all the facts he simply told her she didn't have a leg to stand on. Muhahaha! Baadshah
[Heheh... enh. - Jerky]
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MOP Jerky - I didn't know if you'd seen this or not, but I'm still pissing myself over this one. Cheers, YOP6
[Sixdude, FatChicksInPartyHats.com is, like, the Methuselah of online comedy. It's older than Mahir, for fuck's sake. - Jerky]
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Jerky; That story about chasing away the Mexicans with INS letters on hats is as bogus as it gets not to mention racist. Like a person who has made a 2000 mile journey through all kinds of adversity is now dumber than a Bush. That is the third "report" from a different community that I have seen. What a smokescreen this is all of a sudden. That evil toad Rove is at it again and his timing is probably right on though at first blush I thought he was premature. Delete that link to your voice... I thought it was some preppie nerd and no hint of a Coon-Ass heritage. You are still my intelligentsia guru. Ben
[You expected Strother Martin? - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; Just when I thought this administration couldnt make any more bonehead acts (too many to list here), was I in for a shock when I saw CNN and the story about the US "making English their unification and national language." Are they so homophobic to think the Hispanics or any other ethnic group would steal it? I couldn't belive what I heard!!! The absurdity of it all. Imagine China, Russia, and other well known countries having to sign it into law saying their "official languages are Chinese, Russian, etc." Everyone in the world knows our official langueage is English for Christ's sakes!!! YOP MTR in Kissimmee, Fl.
[Give them a break, man. Fear and hatred is all they've got left! - Jerky]
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From Six : I'll catch you vatos next time I'm in the region- it's a little bit far to drive this weekend, besides I have an engagement across the border. And jerky, I can't guarantee any of the above, but if letter b happens, you can bet I'll be watching from the stands rather than tumbling around in the ring.
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From Jerky : Dudes, when you get together, please please PLEASE do me a favor and a) don't kill anybody, b) don't have a mansex party, and c) if you kill someone and/or have a mansex party, don't mention the Dirt in any way shape or form, m'kay?
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From FireFox : E-mail sent SK.....We'll be waiting on ya Six
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From SofaKing : Welcome back FireFox. I work in NRH, so let's have that beer. You can get me at ursofaking at that hot mail place.
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From Beudreaux : The Tattoo reference is about Jerky's obsession with a 9/11 conspiracy. The fact that surveillance cameras run at about four frames a minute plays right into the conspiracy.
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From Six : Well forgive me for living under a rock out in the middle of nowhere Jerky! I even had to Google "Methuselah." How come I never got the memos about fatchicksinpartyhats or Mahir? It makes me wonder what else is out there that nobody bothered to tell me about!
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From FireFox : I'm betting Towjam must be a big hit with the ladies P
p.s. I'm back now...and screw Charter, i fixed it...those bastards didn't show for their appointment either...sumamabitches
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From SofaKing : Natural Idiot... It is a reference to the opening sequence of the tv show "Fantasy Island", where Mr. Roarke's assistant, Tattoo, rings a bell and yells,"De Plane!", to alert the staff to the guests arrival via seaplane. If you still don't get it beyond that, I can't help you.
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From Natural Idiot : I just don't get the Tattoo reference at the top of today's Dirt. Somebody Please Explain.
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