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KEN LAY GUILTY VERDICT - BUSH CRAPS PANTS!
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QUICK-LINKS FOR HUNGRY BRAINS
They say that justice delayed is justice denied, and there have been far too many delays in the Enron trials, it's true, giving the criminals in question the better half of a decade to enjoy the fruits of their larceny before having to reap the whirlwind they sowed. However, we have to celebrate our little victories where we can, no matter how inconsequential in the Long Run, or how indiscernible in the Big Picture, even if only because we know for a fact that these guilty verdicts sent a cold shiver up Preznit Dubya's colon. So yer old pal Jerky raises a toast to the juries, looks to the heavens and wishes upon a shooting star that Kenny-boy Lay's time behind bars be as unpleasant as it can possibly be, and that he gets reamed harder and faster than his company reamed poor old Aunt Millie out of her catfood money, all those many years ago.
Heads up, coast-dwellers! The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration -- i.e. our Collective National Weatherman -- is predicting yet another hyperactive hurricane season for 2006. Now, here's the good news and the bad news. First, the good news: While the predicted number of "named" storms for 2006 (13 to 16) is higher than average (8 to 10), it's also less than last year's record-shattering and devastating total of 28. Now, the bad news: Last year, the NOAA's predictions were waaaaay the hell off (12 to 15 "named" storms). So, take this year's predictions with a grain of salt and, for you coast-dwellers out there, perhaps a durable rubber raft of some sort.
Question of the week: How in the name of high holy HELL is it possible for the Pentagon to lose track of 200,000 AK47s?! Answer of the week: It is NOT possible. There's something else going on here; something for which the usual cover story of "unbelievable incompetence" just doesn't hold water.
Some people are getting their balls torqued over the fact that the Pentagon is sending suicidal troops back to the front lines of the Iraq Occupation Zone. Personally, I can't see the problem with this. First of all, you're only giving them what they want and, secondly, a lot of those "Jihadis" are suicidal, too. So this is just like fighting fire with fire, which everyone agrees is the ideal firefighting scenario... right? It's win-win, really.
The Senate is currently debating legislation that would officially make English the National Language of the United States of America. But why stop there? We might as well go ahead and declare America's National Attitude: Belligerent, National Body Type: Endomorph and National I.Q.: 96. I mean, as long as we're pointing out the obvious…
Imagine there's no Dubya... I wonder if you can?
Check out these beautiful mammatus! Oh, and don't worry... unlike the ones drooping down from yer old pal Jerky's chest, these beautiful mammatus are totally work safe, and not hairy at all.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by N8Possibilities!
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When he cries," she told them.
"When he cries?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"
"Because I forgot where I put him."
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Thanks to our old pal Javaid for sending in today's second joke.
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir...
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
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THEY SAID IT!
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"If a person has four or five grandchildren, that person will almost certainly be an ancestor of the entire world population two or three millenniums from now. And if a person lived longer than two or three millenniums ago, that person is either an ancestor of everyone living today or of no one living today."
- Yer old pal Jerky is grateful for The Davinci Code controversy, if only because it gave him a chance to learn about some intriguing facts about the science of genealogy.
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"It's somewhat of a paradox. Google's whole purpose is to make information easier to access — unless, of course, you want to know information about Google."
- Where's the mystery in this? You don't get to launch a multi-billion dollar IPO by giving away all your trade secrets.
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ON THIS DAY
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May 19
On this day in 1953, the Pentagon sets off a nuclear explosion on a remote Nevada proving ground, but unexpectedly strong winds carry fall-out all the way to the town of Saint George, Utah. Today, when looking back at the ecological catastrophe that befell their town, the plucky people of Saint George say: "No sweat!" It's not that they don't mind the fact that their own government lackadaisical safety standards led to their town getting blasted with radiation… because they do. It's just that they were born without sweat glands, and they have no pores on their skin. They literally can't produce sweat.
On this day in 1992, "Long Island Lolita" Amy Fisher walks up to Joey Buttafuoco's house, knocks on the door, and shoots his wife Mary-Jo in the face at point-blank range, all because she wants the dandelion-eating grease-monkey (whom she had fucked on a couple occasions) all to herself. This gives ride to one of the greatest knock-knock jokes of all time:
"Knock-knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Amy Fisher!"
"Amy Fish-" (*BANG!*)
On this day in the year 1780, in the middle of the afternoon, New England is plunged into almost total darkness. To this day, nobody knows what happened, although yer old pal Jerky suspects it probably had something to do with witches... BURN the witches! BURN them ALL!!!
May 20
On this day in 1908, Congress ignores the constitutionally mandated tradition of keeping church separate from state, enacting legislation declaring that the motto "In God we trust" should be included on most legal tender. Soon afterwards, America begins its long, steady decline into fundamentalist superstitionalism. Today, more than half of all Americans believe they have a personal Guardian Angel, and almost 80% believe they're going to Heaven when they die. Poor dumb bastards.
On this day in 1980, drummer Peter Criss -- the Cat! -- quits KISS. Chaos ensues.
In terms of cultural history, today is a very special day. It was on this day in 1986 that CBS celebrated 25 years of everyone's favorite stone-age family, the Flintstones, with a gala TV special entitled: The Flintstones 25th Anniversary Gala TV Special! Three years later to the day, in 1989, Toonces the Driving Cat makes his first appearance on a delighted nation's late night TV screens. And then, after what seems to be a milestone time-span for television milestones -- three years later -- a rapper (whose name is lost to the ashpile of history) would appear on one of those That's the Guinness World Records Incredible Show type programs and rap 597 syllables in 55.12 seconds. That must have got him soooo many blowjobs.
May 21
On this day in 1924, Leopold and Loeb, two young, well-to-do homosexuals, murder 14 year-old Bobby Franks. At the time, this murder was considered one of the vilest and most sensational crimes in U.S. history, because the killers "did it just for kicks." Defending the murderers in court, legendary lawyer Clarence Darrow made a fool of himself by claiming that the boys would never have become killers if they had never read the works of German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, whose theory of the Superman -- an evolved idealization of man that exists above and beyond the mundane conceptions of "good" and "evil" -- he claimed twisted their young minds. To learn more about Nietzsche and his twisted Ubermenschian philosophy, check out Beyond Good and Evil or Thus Spake Zarathustra for free, online. But please, if you think books might be capable of turning you into a homosexual murderer pedophile rapist... go watch Nickelodeon or something.
On this day in 1967, Presbyterian minister Fred Rogers begins his thirty year run as host of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Meanwhile, in Belgium, three hundred and twenty-two people are burned alive in one of the worst conflagrations ever, as a wall of flame sweeps through L'Innovation department store. Coincidence? Yeah... right.
On this day in 1969, Sirhan Sirhan is sentenced to death for killing Robert Kennedy in a restaurant kitchen (even though he probably didn't). He is still alive, to this day.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: IRANIAN OIL BOURSE CONSPIRACY THEORY
care of: Archer from Alberta
Dear Mr. LeBoeuf, Please do not give the Iranian Oil Bourse Conspiracy Theory any more exposure. It is an Internet Urban Legend in the making. A loyal Dirt reader, my introduction to the hoax was the link in the Dirt to an article entitled March 20 to 26, 2006: Iran-USA, beginning of a major world crisis Or The End of the Western World we have known since 1945. The article opens with the statement:
The Laboratoire européen d'Anticipation Politique Europe 2020 (LEAP/E2020) now estimates to over 80% the probability that the week of March 20-26, 2006 will be the beginning of the most significant political crisis the world has known since the Fall of the Iron Curtain in 1989, together with an economic and financial crisis of a scope comparable with that of 1929.
The complete article is available here. Despite the fact that the article claims the Laboratoire européen d'Anticipation Politique Europe 2020 (LEAP/E2020) predicted the fall of the Berlin Wall, the dissolution of the Soviet Union and other world events, I searched as far back as 27 pages in a general Google search on the Laboratoire européen d'Anticipation Politique Europe 2020 and found NO other articles by this group except the one on the Iranian Oil Bourse (IOB).
This article in particular, which predicted a cataclysmic last week of March, 2006, prompted me to investigate this matter as thoroughly as I could. Why did the media not carry any mention of the IOB? Was it really possible the US would attack Iran to stop the opening of this market? And why hadn't anything happened? When exactly nothing happened that week I went looking for answers.
After wading through tons of material that was mainly a re-hash of the preceding article or enlargements on various aspects, some of it extremely interesting and detailed discussions of things like fiat currencies and the role of the American dollar in the world economy, I ran across a great article by Dawood Cohan in the Persian Journal. The important points are below:
Although there is enough meat in such a theory (IOB currency impact) for the next blockbuster movie to be dished out of Hollywood studios, but the basis of the conspiracy theory rests on other sovereigns and international consortiums providing the IOB with considerable support in the short term and with adequate resilience to absorb the shocks caused by the global economy in the long term. A closer look at some economic factors may reveal further insights for such a rebuttal
Firstly, the US per capita GDP of US$41,800 amounts to a GDP of US$12.77 trillion (2005 est.) whereas Iran per capita GDP of US$8,100 amounts to a GDP of US$551.6 billion (2005 est.). This means that on average the size of the Iranian economy accounts for only 16 days of the US economy.
Secondly, although Iran has amassed US$40bln in its foreign currency reserves but the country's economy is very much dependent on its oil revenue (c. 80%). This is in stark contrast to the US impeccable control over the flow of the global financial markets and thus the diversified sources of revenues.
Thirdly, Iran's export partners are: Japan 18.4%, China 9.7%, Italy 6%, South Africa 5.8%, South Korea 5.4%, Taiwan 4.6%, Turkey 4.4%, and Netherlands 4% whereas its import partners: are Germany 12.8%, France 8.3%, Italy 7.7%, China 7.2%, UAE 7.2%, South Korea 6.1%, and Russia 5.4%. The US export partners are: Canada 23%, Mexico 13.6%, Japan 6.7%, UK 4.4%, and China 4.3% whereas its import partners are: Canada 17%, China 13.8%, Mexico 10.3%, Japan 8.7%, and Germany 5.2%. A simple glance at these data reveals that China has a vested interest in the US economy due to the nominal dollar value and diversity of its trades, with the US, and perhaps more importantly China is host to a large presence of US corporations. As for the Russians, their trade, mainly in Nuke program, accounts for US$1 bln per annum with Iran.
Fourthly, on average the EU3 levy a domestic tax on each barrel of oil that ranges between 50% (in France and Germany) to 62.5% (in the UK). The US on the other hand levies its taxes at 17%. This means that the EU3 economy is more prone to consumer price increases than the US is.
Fifthly, the IOB proposition assumes a buoyant international support whereas in reality the country's legal and financial frameworks make it difficult even for the domestic private sector to participate. Even at its best the futures market is not for the faint hearted as profits are made either way: downside or upside movement of prices. Again here the US financial institutes call the shots, mainly due to its well-developed and transparent capital market.
The complete article is available here. I particularly like the part about "on average the size of the Iranian economy accounts for only 16 days of the US economy." This article was published February 21, 2006 or more than five weeks prior to the stated opening of the IOB.
Furthermore, another article entitled Iran Oil Bourse and Petrodollar Wars published Feb 15, 2006 by Dr. Bahman Aghai Diba PhD, an expert in International Law posted to Washington DC, writing in the Persian Journal outlines 10 points initially put forward by Hadi Zamani in Persian and available online at www.gooya.com, as to why the IOB will not work but also that it could be a good idea:
In the hands of a proper Iranian government that establishes good relations with many countries, including and especially the USA, it could turn in the long run into a profitable center. The present day Iran lacks the necessary preparations for such a move. Even if taking steps for such reforms are started today, it will take sometime to make the necessary grounds ready. However, the government of the Islamic regime of Iran is not even walking in the direction of those reforms. Unfortunately the IOB is a stillborn.
Complete article available here. The detail and clarity of thought in these articles and related ones by the same authors have convinced me that the whole IOB tempest in a teapot is, as I said, an Internet Urban Legend aborning.
Please let it be stillborn on the Dirt too.
Rock On,
Archer from Alberta
[Seeing as this particular Apocalypse's deadline has already come and gone, I'll go ahead and assume you are correct, sir. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Wassup Loed jerkster? Ya know I worry about yer sorry bloggin' ass! You spout all this liberal bullshit, git yer britches all tied up in a knot. One day you gonna have a down right massive fuckin' heart attack, just think, one minute y'all be sittin', bloggin' along all peaceful like, but yer blood pressure gits so damn high, and then the next thing ya know, a pain like being fucked up the ass with a razor blade hit's yer arm, travels all the way up to yer yer more than ample neck, yer mouth will get all puckery just like you just licked Dubya's asshole, yer eyes will bug out and you be makin' this weird ass sound like uuurrrrrggggghhhh! and then you'll fall out'n yer chair, hit the floor with a resoundin' THUD, you'll roll over onta yer back, and stare at the ceiling as it dims out, and the next damn thing ya know, you'll be in hell, an' then the devil will offer ta sign over his controllin' interest if'n ya just don't fuck with him an' give 'im bad press like ya did Dubya. Sweet Deal Dude! take it, ya could do worse ya know! YOP Wolfie
[You've just described the exact scenario that runs through my mind every night just before I fall asleep. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky! Do you think it's a coincidence that the Federal Minimum Wage went up twice in the 12 Regan/Bush years, then made three jumps under Clinton's two terms, and has yet to go up again since? CT
[Nope. No coincidence. - Jerky]
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This just SUCKS, Jerky! I have been a big fan of Sherman Skolnick for over 33 years. When i lived in Chicagoland as a kid, I would call his Hotline to hear his 5-10 minutes of "More news supressed by the monopoly press" or "News KILLED by the Mass Media". Did you know he actually predicted the Downfall of the S&L's years before they crumbled? I know there's a shitload of Cook County Judges, politicians, and corporations just ticked shitless to see him expire... Actually -- I'm surprised he wasn't suicided or coronaried years ago. R.I.P. ya whacky old cripple... I will miss your words, wit, and determination! Keep Up YOUR Good Work and, maybe, I'll shed a few tears when you bite the big one! Wally
[Anyone who forced the resignation of two state Supreme Court judges can't be all bad. - Jerky]
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MOPJ, I personally don't know any Mexicans on welfare; all the cats I know have jobs. Remember... immigration is the sincerest form of flattery! - Black Dog
[Some people think it's the most sinister form of thievery. - Jerky]
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Jerky; Nice quote from Full Metal Jacket. ChasMur
[Glad you caught it! - Jerky]
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Jerky; I’ve learned recently that we are now destroying the earth; that for the first time in history (I guess) humans are causing ice to melt and the water level to rise. It is seriously affecting my life. I drove my SUV as fast as I could to work this morning, because I didn’t want it to be running longer than it had to. All I could do was think about the penguins getting closer and closer to the water. Trembly Dale
[Terrifying, isn't it? - Jerky]
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THE DAVINCI DRESS CODE!
Hey Jerky; The man on the left, wearing a fabulous vintage chiffon-lined Dior gold lame gown over a silk Vera Wang empire waisted Tulle cocktail dress, accessorized with a 3-foot beaded peaked House of Whoville hat, along with the ruby slippers that Judy Garland wore in "The Wizard of Oz", is worried that "The Da Vinci Code" might make the Roman Catholic Church look foolish. Nan or Ben
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From Six : With my Six sense I have determined that Nan is indeed hot. Not quite on par with that blonde chick from the "disturbing new banner ads" circa 2002, but up there.
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From SofaKing : Actually, neither of them were that funny. That's why we don't get paid the Big Bucks, like Jerky.
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From Fred : Sofaking? Ben and Grandma Nana NOT FUNNY? Whaddaya got icewater in your veins? THAT'S FUNNY MAAAAAANNNNNN! )
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From Brummbaer : Reference suicidal troops. They don't belong in combat simply because they jepordize the lives of their comrades.
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From Cut I : Hey Jerks In the pic up top, I am not so sure that the weather is the main problem, so much as the fat blimp with her breasts flopped out is. You can see her in the right hand side of the picture. Or is that what you were eluding to in the first place?
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From ThousandDemons : So Ken Lay - the guy whose shady Enron deeds were hidden by 9/11 - has been found guilty.
And he's due to be sentenced WHEN? 9/11! What a coincidence!
What's next - Osama bombing another landmark to delay his sentencing?
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From SofaKing : I'm sure that your theory is correct, but mine is funnier.
We could trump the whole conversation if there is indeed a "Hot Nan", who is naturally female and willing to post pics to prove it.
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From Fred : Maybe it's Ben and his grandma 'Nana'?
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From Beudreaux : I always thought it was a couple who shared the same computer. So it could be Nan or Ben...depending. But I suppose I could be naive..... who knows.
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From SofaKing : I've always thought Nan or Ben was the same person who just used whatever gender suited him/her for the day...
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From Beudreaux : Hey Ben? I've always wondered.... is Nan hot?
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From Six : Hey Black Dog- you a tatoo artist?
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