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CELEBRITY SPAWN-BRAWL!
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TOMKAT VS BRANGELINA
Mere weeks after Katie Holmes silently squirted out Tom Cruise's Scientology superbaby, Angelina Jolie squated down on a straw mat in a steaming Namibian hut to give birth to Bradd Pitt's first ever child. Both of these babies, the offspring of four of the most celebrated beauties that the Western World has to offer, were girls. This means that, in just under twenty years -- if Peak Oil hasn't sent us all scurrying to the New Olduvai by then -- the public at large is going to be treated to some extra special genetic gorgeousness upon which to feast our hungry eyes. The only question that will remain will be... who will you most want to fuck?
Please vote in the Poll field at the bottom left hand side of this page. Thank you for participating. Remember: It's quick, it's easy... and it's the LAW. - YOPJ
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Geraldo!
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
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Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke.
Three gay guys are hanging around talking about what they would like to be in their second life.
The first gay says, "When I die, I want to come back as a floral arrangement because I'll smell good and brighten up any room you leave me in."
The second gay guy says, "When I die, I want to come back as a princess because they are pretty and have all the best clothes in the world."
The third gay guy says, "When I die, I want to come back as an ambulance. That way, they can open up my rear doors, slip in a stiff one, and I can run around shouting, "'WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! WOOO!'"
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Brummbaer...
Q: What's the definition of a will?
A: It's a dead giveaway.
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THEY SAID IT!
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"Republicans and Democrats in the House of Representatives have achieved an almost unprecedented level of bipartisanship in denouncing the FBI's search of a congressman's office... Where all these concerned constitutionalists have been for the last five years?"
- This unsigned New York Times edotorial points out the obvious via rhetorical question.
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"All Iraqis know this government is totally irrelevant to the realities that they're facing. It's a government of rightist militias who are terrorizing people on the ground. These are militias representing groups based on religious sects and ethnic backgrounds, just engaged in trying to increase their own power."
- Houzan Mahmoud, international representative of the Iraqi Freedom Congress, an umbrella organization of workers' and women's groups that opposes both the U.S.-led occupation and Islamist control of Iraq, is unimpressed by the latest corner turned.
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ON THIS DAY
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May 25
On this day in 1986, the Hands Across America organization declare victory when they get 7 million people to get together and -- you guessed it -- "hold hands" across America, from California to New York state. Of course, seven million is NOWHERE NEAR the amount of people it would take to actually hold hands across America. Hell, even if they had 100% participation, it wouldn't have been enough. They would have had to import another few hundred million Chinese to help out. So, anyway, instead of holding onto their fellow Americans' hands, many of the volunteers were actually holding onto hundred foot lengths of rope. What a fuckin' ripoff.
On this day in 1981, in Chicago, Dan Goodwin dons a home-made Spiderman costume, grabs a couple suction cups, and climbs the tallest building in the world: the Sears Tower. It takes Goodwin six hours to perform the stunt, which remains, to this day, the coolest thing ever done by a man wearing a Spiderman costume.
On this day in the year 1978, formerly promising director George Lucas' infantile space-opera Star Wars first hits movie screens, and our nation's collective IQ drops a scary 3 points as we fall to our knees before its flimsy celluloid faux majesty.
HAPPY 67th BIRTHDAY, TOMMY CHONG! You are an inspiration to us all. FREE TOMMY CHONG, YOU SHIT-EATING FASCIST SACKS OF SHIT!!! Oh, he's out already?! Well... good.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: A READER'S HIGH-FALUTIN' MUSICAL CHOICES
care of: MikeD
13. The Wreck of the Titanic, by Gavin Bryars.
12. Sonatas and Interludes by John Cage. Mentions to Cage's various Imaginary Landscapes for percussion ensemble, One for piano, and 101 for orchestra.
11. Einstein on the Beach, by Philip Glass.
10. Songs on the Death of Children (Kindertotenleider), by Gustav Mahler. I figured I should put at least one song in here. As a runner up for this spot, Mahler's Das Lied von Der Erde.
9. Prelude and Grail Music from Parsifal, by Richard Wagner. Mentions to the final scene of Gotterdamerung, the Liebestod from Tristan and Isolde, and the Prelude and Venusburgmusic from Tannhauser to round out Wagner choices.
8. Salome, by Richard Strauss. Runner up here is Strauss's Elektra. As a further runner up, but for different reasons, my second-listed Strauss work is Metamorphosen for Stings.
7. Spem in Alium, by Thomas Tallis. Honorable mentions for similar works go to Somei Satoh's Mantra (heard in the film 'Baraka') and Karlheinz Stockhausen's Stimmung.
6. Dastgah e Nava, by Mahammad Musavi and Mohammad Karimi.
5. Messe de Notre Dame, by Guillame de Machaut. Medievel people do the Old Testament the best.
4. Symphony 9, by Anton Bruckner. Honorable mentions to the 8th symphony (particularly the 4th movement), and the slow movement of the 7th, among the other great symphonies, as well as the motet Ecce sacerdos.
3. Fantasia on a Theme of Thomas Tallis, by Ralph Vaughan Williams.
2. Bohor, by Xenakis. Mention to Xenakis orchestral work Nomos Gamma. Xenakis also stands in for the great body of avant-garde music from the 20th and 21st centruy that didn't make the list.
1. Symphony 6, by Gustav Mahler. Honorable mention to Mahler's Symphony 9, and Deryck Cooke's completion of the posthumous Mahler Symphony 10.
Really, in ways the list should be longer, but some of the things I rate highly (ie; the theorectical system of Indian Music, the structure and sound of Balinese or Javanese Gamelan music) aren't pieces and I can come up with no good representative work, and I've already cheated putting 13 together above, so apologies to Shostakovich, Bartok, Beethoven, Brahms, John Coltrane, R. Murray Shafer, and Nyman, among others, who got no mention.
For an extra-wordy version of the above list, complete with explanations as to what it is, exactly, that I admire about the pieces, click here.
- MikeD
[That's quite the high-falutin' list, maaaan. I've only heard like THREE of those. I'll be seeking them out on eMule, though. Thanks for the recommendations! Nice website, by the way. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Sir; From the "video" of the so-called-plane that went into the Spentagon,
several new questions have surfaced and some old ones are getting retreads. If a plane went into the spentagon, what happened to the engines, wings, black box, etc.? Official answer: They all vaporized in the fiery explosion due to the extreme amount of fuel needed to fly to the west coat. Counterquestion: When the Concorde crashed into a motel soon after takeoff in Paris headed for a 3000 mile journey to the US, it had plenty of fuel to fly at supersonic speeds, and the engines were not only found, but they could tell from the debris what had happened to the engines and the fuel tanks to cause the crash. Question: When Flight 91 went down into a field next Pittsburgh, there were debris found up to 15 miles away. When the plane(s) hit the twin towers, there was debris flying everywhere. When the plane hit the Spentagon, wouldn't debris have rained down all over DC? Why was there almost none anywhere off the spentagon grounds, and bulldozed almost immedately? Official explanation: The silence of the tomb. Demosthenes
[The silence of the tomb. I'll be stealing that. - Jerky]
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Jerky - Listened to the Malloy interview, and even knowing how recordings and radio can distort one's voice, I really didn't expect what I heard. Not that there was anything wrong, but I put the picture of you at the top of the Dirt onscreen, and it just doesn't match. I'm not really sure what I did expect, actually, and I'm relatively sure that if I heard it coming from your mouth without the filter of the phone on the radio, that might be a different story... I really hope you're not offended as it wasn't my intent. Jack
[Offended? No. I remember the first time I heard Stanley Kubrick's voice after decades of admiring his films. I was like "What the fuck?!" From pictures, I figured he'd sound like a cross between Orson Welles and Lorne Greene. In reality, he sounded like President Muffley in Dr. Strangelove. It was weird. But I got over it. - Jerky]
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MOPJ; If marijuana has no medical use, why has the FDA approved a drug that mimics its effects? Yet another hypocrisy from the PTB. Matt
[Yup. - Jerky]
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Jerky; Let's chlorinate the gene pool. Let a string of tacnukes dance across the heartland! Let Wyoming be reduced to a smouldering radioactive crater, then Utah, and then Idaho last. (In that order, please, or I might lose my stiffy.) We might raise the nation's collective IQ about 50 points... seriously, how can anyone NOT get it yet? I can only conclude that Ostrichism is a Faith Based Initiative. YOPLee
[I'm beginning to think the undermining of Darwinian selection via social engineering has led to the species as a whole hitting bottom. And I count myself in that. We're not being challenged, so we stagnate. Fortunately, I'm powerless. I do, however, worry about certain other people who might also be thinking this way. - Jerky]
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g'day jerks, is that right??? that more people in the USA voted for American Idol than voted for ANY presidential election ever? I s'pose that's the reason they aint out on the streets protesting about the current state of shit you guys have on your plate. Its a sick joke right?? bookwit (down under)
[The difference is that The Powers That Be WANT us to vote in American Idol. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California? California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the streets. So back in 1850 it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands. N8Possibilities
[Heheheheh... - Jerky]
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MOP Jerky; In my humble opinion, this whole "Global Warming" crap is the fault of us humans, is just another case of "DOOM, DOOM, The sky is falling". Not all the scientists buy into it. The Earth has gone thru many cycles of warming and freezing long before there were any humans here. It's just something else to worry people and get their minds off the real day to day problems the PTB cause us. Sorta of a "Wag the Dog", scientific style. YOP Kenny"B"
[In my not so humble opinion, I think you're wrong. - Jerky]
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From FireFox : I don't know man. Who's to say that both or either of the parents are Tom and Katie. We're taslking about some really strange people here these Scientologists. Which I think should be forced to change thier name since it obviously, like most other religions, has absolutely no basis in or around science.
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