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TONY BLAIR AND HUGO CHAVEZ
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NEWS AND NOTES AND SCROTES
One of the most incredible documentaries I've ever had the privilege of watching has finally reached the net. If you think you've got a decent handle on Hugo Chavez and the Venezuellan situation in general -- if you think that it's even possible to tease the shadow of the truth about these subjects from America's bought-and-paid-for corporate media -- then you owe it to yourself to watch The Revolution Will Not Be Televised. Trust me, you HAVE to watch this one.
The Truth about Religion, in a beautifully-rendered cartoon nutshell.
How convenient that Preznit Dubya that he got to stack the Supreme Court full of cronies just in time for them to deliver a 5/4 decision (phew!) that limits whistleblower protections for witnesses who might want to call attention to this administration's now countless Crimes Against Nature, Humanity and State.
The Truth about our Species, in a beautifully-rendered cartoon nutshell.
Kudoes to Boris Johnson, of The Spectator, who has pledged to publish the "Bomb AL-Jazeera" memo, despite Tony Blair’s threat of immediate jailing. As you know, at least one member of the British press is in possession of leaked meeting minutes at 10 Downing Street, wherein Poodle Blair talked Dubya out of bombing Al-Jazeera. In a move Karl Rove would admire, Blair’s press secretary challenged anyone with the actual minutes to publish them, and then said they’d be jailed for life if they did so. Now a move is afoot among the British media to sign a publishing pledge, and The Spectator is the first mainstream outlet to issue the pledge.
Who wears short shorts? Probably not too many Iraqi tennis players, after what happened this week. Jesus Fucking Nailholes. Maybe the lunatics are right. Maybe it's time to just nuke that whole fucking hemisphere.
Speaking of which -- now that she's crucified herself on stage -- I wonder what Madonna can do to shock us next? Take a dump in a replica of the Holy Grail, perhaps? Or maybe pull Mohammed's cock out from under his robe, only to find that it's got a tiny cock-turban on it, so she unwraps the turban exposing a tiny little beareded cock-face with whom she sings a duet on "Express Yourself"? I mean, seriously... what's left for her to do?
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope!
Little Johnny was sitting on his backyard swing set with some of his sixth grade schoolmates one Saturday when they started to tell some jokes to each other.
Little Susie started off by saying, "Knock, knock?"
Everyone answered, "Who's there?"
Susie says, "Boo!"
Everyone replied, "Boo who?"
To which Susie said, "Why are you all crying?" and everyone broke out laughing.
At this point, Little Johnny got up and started into his joke, "Hey, did you all hear about the prostitute who got fingered by Captain Hook?"
Immediately, Johnny's mother, who was nearby watering the roses and had heard Johnny start off, came rushing over and shouted, "Alright Johnny! That's enough! In fact, all of you kids can go home now. Leave, please."
The following Saturday, Johnny again invited his friends over, this time to play some video games. During a lull in the action, Johnny said to everyone, "You know, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say..."
This time again, Johnny's mother was in the kitchen and came stomping in after having heard him. She said demandingly as she gathered his friends together and shuffled them towards the door, "Okay kids, it's getting late. All of you will have to leave now."
Little Johnny was puzzled and yelled back at them, "Hey! Hold on, hold on! There's still plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
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Thanks to our old pal Jim Eby for sending in today's second joke.
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So ," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you >out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Brummbaer...
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
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THEY SAID IT!
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"If people want to get to know me better, they've got to know my parents and the values my parents instilled in me, and the fact that I was raised in West Texas, in the middle of the desert, a long way away from anywhere, hardly. There's a certain set of values you learn in that experience."
- Preznit Dubya, May 5th, 2006, attempting to psych out the city folk.
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"He had to carry that little girl's body, and her head was blown off and her brain splattered on his boots."
- The parents of Lance Cpl. Andrew Wright, whose son was sent into the Iraqi city of Haditha to help remove the bodies of as many as two dozen men, women and children who were massacred there.
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ON THIS DAY
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May 26
On this day in 1930, America's Supreme Court rules that purchasing booze does NOT violate the Constitution. [insert your own outraged comparison to the ongoing and just-as-irrational anti-marijuana jihad in this space. - Jerky]
On this day in the year 1974, a fourteen year old girl is trampled to death in the festival seating rush just prior to a concert by... David Cassidy. Yep. That's right. You read right. A fourteen year old girl actually died for David Cassidy. I mean, The Beatles, I can understand. The Who? Yeah. Led Zeppelin, sure... but David Cassidy?! For fuck's sake! It wasn't even the whole Partridge Family! He was just one Partridge! Folks, this is an example of natural selection at its heartless best.
On this day in 1805, striking members of the Federal Society of Journeymen Cordwainers, the first and oldest trade union in the United States, were forced to go back to work when their employers called in a phallanx of armed policemen. Many men were charged under an obscure law which barred employees from "engaging in subversive acts with the intent of increasing remuneration," otherwise known as the "shut your stinking cake-hole and do that which your plutocratic overlord demands of you" law.
May 27
On this day in 1830, the United States Congress authorizes the forcible removal of all native peoples -- Indians -- from the established states of the east into the "untamed" western prairies. One hundred and seventy-five years later, we barely teach history in American schools anymore. Can you blame us?!
On this day in 1895, poet and playwright Oscar Wilde begins serving two years in jail after being convicted for engaging in aggrieviated consensual buttfuckery with the son of the Marquess of Queensbury. After the trial, during which Wilde's housekeepers testified to having discovered shit, semen and blood stains on his bed sheets, the presiding judge remarked: "This is the worst case I have ever tried. I shall pass the severest sentence that the law allows. In my judgment it is totally inadequate for such a case as this." After serving his two years, Wilde moved to France, where he died four years later. Nowadays, Wilde could have avoided all that trouble and bother by simply adopting his young lover, and that, as the saying goes, would have been that.
On this day in the year 1994, as one shuddering cultural horror breathes its final gasp, another travesty is born, ripping its way into the world as though to take the first horror's place. And so it was that the Arsenio Hall Show aired its final episode on the very same day that the live action version of The Flintstones -- starring Rosie Fucking O'Donnell as Betty -- premiered in theaters.
May 28
On this day in 1961, a bunch of politically correct whiners get together and start Amnesty International so they can have a platform from which to spout off about so-called "human rights" "abuses" and how "torturing people is wrong" and other such hippy bullshit. They won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1977, but, you know, so did Yasser Arafat, so I don't know if I'd go around bragging about it.
On this day in 1993, the Polish government of Suchocka falls amid widespread public turmoil and strikes. Political experts blame the collapse on the fact that Suchocka's name sounds and looks way too much like cocksucker.
Two momentous firsts took place on this day in 1982. Pope John Paul II became the first pope ever to visit the island nation of Great Britain on this day in that year. Meanwhile, 1/3 of a world away, on a set in a sterile Los Angeles studio, film critic Leonard Maltin made his first appearance ever on Entertainment Tonight. Perhaps one day, when the proper span of time has passed, history will be able to decide which event had a greater historical impact.
On this day in 1993, 200,000 Italians take to the streets to protest the reign of mafia terror under which their had been living for decades. The next day, half of them woke up with horse-heads in their beds, and the other half didn't wake up at all. ["Mama mia! That's a spicy stereotype!" - Jerky]
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: ON THE CANADIAN MILITARY
care of: MikeD
Jerky... you'll probably say it's too long; however, I think any political debate should really be detailed and rational. And that usually means very long, and riddled with qualifications. The best would have footnotes to back up factual statements should the reader wish to research further.
In reading the most recent Dirt, I ran across a message from J McD that I assume is in response to my request for any information on what a recent blip in job postings re: work on CF-18 fighters is all about. As an addendum to my posted snarkogram, in addition to PM Harper and General Hillier being total wastes of tax money at best, I should have mentioned that Canada's prior PMs were crap too... Martin was a hapless neo-conservative businessman disguised as someone with a social conscience, and Chretien was a do-nothing weasel; I'll stop there to save space.
Sadly, J McD's message is riddled with inaccurate statements, so fails the test of good political discourse. J McD just seems eager to demonstrate what is wrong with just about any present public debate in Canada; the public is too lazy or ignorant to get real facts, and the federal government (and by this I include all the parties, but most notably the Liberals and the Conservatives) will cloud issues or increase ignorance with their own statements to stifle or confuse debate for whatever reasons they have to do so. Well... since I'm easily distracted from what I should be doing, let's go through this letter point by point, and separate the valid from the wrong from the reasoned.
"Dear Jerky; First off I realy enjoy reading the dirt."
Ditto.
"Now concerning the state of our canadian millitary it is almost impossible at this stage not to upgrade the equipment it uses."
So far so good. Although, oddly, at one time Canada had the ability to maintain and build equipment itself (ie ... Canada's aerospace industry provided planes to the British, notably Lancaster bombers, built under license in WW2; Canadian built warships oddly had ballooned the size of Canada's navy to one of the larger in the world by the end of WW2... an aside, both the aerospace and naval production of Canada have declined steeply since then)... why is this rarely mentioned in any debate of Canada's military state?
"The most up to date equipment we have are those three Diesil electric subs we purchased from the Brits a few years ago. Remember one caught fire and had to be rescued."
Here's where we veer away from fact... there are 4 submarines... and a shit-poor purchase they were. I missed the reasoning used to get these pieces of crap... score one for the Liberals ramming through a poor purchase.
"As for the aircraft we use, well the jets we use now are from the 60's and recent reports have indicated that the matirial used has decayed to the point that further use comprimises safty."
Which planes would these be? The CF-18s (CF-188s if you want to be over-accurate) weren't even DESIGNED until the '70s, so it can't be the front-line fighter-bombers you mean. Maybe you're talking about the CT-144 Tutors used by the Canadian Forces air demonstration team, and as trainers until the late '90s, which do appear ready to fall out of the air? It's a bit... what's the word? ... of an obfuscation of the issue to argue the state of a military by what the air demonstration team uses. This is a prime example of how to misdirect a debate; why is the question not "why are we maintaining a demonstration team when we have systemic problems with the military? Could the money and effort spent on this be redirected with some benefit?" instead of using it as a potentially spurious argument to buy more planes FOR DIFFERENT ROLES?
"The bombers and Transport planes are prop driven for fuck sake,"
The CF-18s ARE the bombers; there's no independent bomber fleet. As for the transports, prop driven ones are actually not atypical and the Hercules is still in production and in active service with several militaries, including the US, Britain, Germany, and others (and, as a side note, the Conservatives appear to have kept a Liberal plan to upgrade the transports... check your news from Nov. 2005). Additionally, the prop driven craft are not the full extent of the fleet... there are in fact Airbus jets (and smaller craft) in use (I saw one of the Airbus 310s used by the CF coming out of CFB Trenton on a trip to Kingston, just as an aside... you may also want to keep your eye on news coverage which will occasionally show one of these planes).
"and don't get me started on the Helicopters."
Ahh, the old Sea Kings... YOU MEAN THE ONES THAT ARE DUE TO BE REPLACED STARTING IN 2008 UNDER A PLAN ANNOUNCED IN JULY 2004? These things are an old political hot potato (this issue was in debate/study under various governments of all political stripes since the '80s). I wonder why these are brought up as an issue when the issue has been resolved... albeit in a not-totally-satisfactory manner? Oh yes... TO CLOUD DEBATE.
"Personel is yet anouther matter. a recent report out has shown that despite massive recruiting drives and number of people signing up, The military has only gained 700 people."
All-volunteer militaries really seem to not attract that many people in this part of the world. I wonder why? So many theories ...
"We don't have enough people to help Dafur due to other comitments. The liberel government has put us in a horrible position."
Interesting... of course, one could say that the Canadian people have missed (or, less kindly, been made to miss) a chance to debate finding a way to help in Darfur. Indeed it was the Liberals who got us into the present huge commitment in Afghanistan, without a huge amount of public debate and somewhat behind the scenes. However, there's a trend in pro-Conservative thinking that's reflected in the lines quoted above... "the Liberals have put us in this position where we can't help with X" ...which is a bit of a distortion of the entire issue, and glosses over a recent event; the Conservative government itself rushed and concealed debate on extending deployment in Afghanistan.
This debate, if it had been allowed to happen properly, could well have included questions on whether we should end our present commitment there with no extension, allowing redeployment ... among many other hugely important issues affecting the lives of Canadian Forces personnel and the health and economy of Canada as a whole. But even if the debate were had, Harper has made it public that he would have extended the deployment no matter how the debate had concluded. I'm sure that will be interpreted by some as good leadership but I disagree; it is NOT TIME TO ACT BECAUSE THERE IS NO TIME FOR DEBATE. Acting without thought DOESN'T WORK WELL. And, in this case, acting without informed consent from the electorate sure doesn't make for a healthy democratic country, although it often leads to the country the electorate actually deserves.
"Now that Harper is prime Minister and the conservitives form our government we hope to get everything running smoothly again. Get our military the equipment and training it needs."
Sure... BUT WHAT DOES IT NEED? To define this, we need to define what the forces are to be doing, without missing the facts and the actual issues.
"Gain a little self respect, and stop blindly following the lead of your President. J McD"
My brain felt a little like it had been penetrated by an icepick here. I think this means that Canadians should get self respect and not blindly follow the American President. If this is in fact the case, I say that this last line was a total non-sequitur but it's good advice for all Canadians. To Canadians I'd say let's get self respect, let's follow our own course as a nation, but let's actually DO THIS INTELLIGENTLY.
BTW, getting good information on the issues above this is as easy as as a Google search. Just be careful what information you read and check/crosscheck sources a bit. Any Canadian reading this, if you are in fact concerned by an issue, DO SOME DAMN RESEARCH before spouting off, get your facts as straight as possible, and maybe then a useful debate on issues can be had. "Sound bite" politics (like what my last DD message was) and cynical appeals to patriotism used to distort and cloud debate don't serve open debate well, especially in situations where lives are on the line, be those lives volunteer or impressed soldiers, or the citizens of Canada or any other nation.
- MikeD
[Damn. That was one helluva spanking. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Dear Mr. Jerky... I have no idea what makes each of us 'us'. Scientists say we are all made of star stuff. Little particles of energy blown off from some long ago supernova that come together at the exact moment of our creation.... a one shot once in billion billion google years and it all sounds so beautiful. (Hey... it's Memorial Day weekend... and time to reflect...stay with me.) But what about these poor fucks in Indonesia? Huh? You overcome insurmountable odds to be born poor little 'Dwiyanto' in Jacarta, Indonesia and everytime you turn around you're ass is getting pummeled by tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanos. Poor bastards. Kind of makes you think... don't it? Cheers, Andy S.
[Redcross.org. - Jerky]
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MOPJ, I just finished reading this and was left wondering, what news is real and what news is a VNR? I wonder if they are doing this in the print media as well. YOP, Bob
[I think that's safe to assume. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; You didn't actually watch the fucking Oprah special, did you? Jack
[Actually, I didn't. I was told to write something about it, and I did. So sue me! - Jerky]
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Hi Old Pal I just read the link from Chuck's rant. I never knew just how good Osama's boys are. They've had nukes in Amerika since 1999 and have held back until Mir's book can come out first to warn us. Really! since 1999? and they haven't pushed the button yet? How compassionate! Sorta makes yer wonder about the 'facts' Sklag
[Yeah, it's bullshit. - Jerky]
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Ciao Jerkster, The longer it goes on, the more I sympathise with the American public. I know they did it to themselves by believing in the Religious and Neocon Right, but they had two more chances to reverse that and it looks to me as if it is too late to change the direction at this point. Noam Chomsky appears, to me, to have thought it all out and thinks America is on its way to become a third world country. This would have two advantages. It would solve the immigration problem as Mexicans would be better off in Mexico, and it would increase my pension, which has grown by more than 50% in the last four years. When you see it laid out like that and watch the posturing on Iran and the way they are trying to antagonise Russia and China (do they think they need more enemies to increase the fear factor?) - it don't look good to me! Etna Fred
[It's a waiting game. - Jerky]
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Hi: Just wanted to take a moment to remark on your choice of Delibes' Lakme in your top 13 music list. Most people don't even know what I am talking about when I bring this piece up, but the approximate 4 minutes of dueling between the mezzo sopranos is some of the most sublime moments in the history of music. When laying down in the dark, the music cranked up, these ladies give me the same body rush I get during orgasm. Steve
[It's awesome. - Jerky]
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Just as an aside, That thing about "more people voted for American Idol than voted for ANY presidential election" isn't accurate, or claimed accurate. What the host-dude said was that they received more votes (total for the "finals") than had been received by any president in history. Bearing in mind that 14 year old girls cannot vote for president, and over-18s can only vote ONCE for president - whereas 14 year old girls can, and do, vote 6000 times for their fave Idol. Fox claimed that the finals generated something like 63 million votes, which they then claimed (and I have not even made a cursory attempt to validate) was more than, say, Bush had gotten in the last election. And, now that I think of it, I might prefer Taylor Hicks as president, if Bush is the alternative... Renee
[Thanks for the clarification! - Jerky]
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From Jerky : Don't forget to click on my ads
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From Beudreaux : Bush ain't no shit-kicker. And I use the term "shit-kicker" reverently. He talks with that accent but it ain't real.... can't be. Bush is as much 'cowboy' as I am astronaut.
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From Six : Gettit- I know he spent some time in Lubbock when he was first married and later in the Odessa-Midland area. Whether he was born and raised in West Texas or not he doesn't represent the friendly folks out there any more than a cross represents Islam.
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From Gettit : Whoa! About W's quote in the above "They Said It," I thought W was born and raised in Maine. Or some other part of the US. Can anyone corroberate this? Please? Sorry, I am from West Texas and have alway taken pride in claiming that W's claim of being from here was so much hooey and that he only resided here temporarily when he was Guv. Either way, I gotta agree with the Dixie Chix and say, "Me too girls. Me too."
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From SofaKing : May 29th, 2004... An articulate, Baptist, Texas man marries an articulate, Muslim, Turkish woman. Both will spend the next two years loving one another and fending off the ignorance of people 'educated' by television news and stupid Preachers and Imams. Chaos ensues.
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From PG : Those cartoons were sick!
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