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CANADIAN TERRORISTS AND 666
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LAST OF THE LINKY-DIRTS
So the Department of Homeland Security has slashed New York City's anti-terrorism funding by 40% because, according to the DHS's new funding structure, New York City has "no national icons" that might make juicy targets for would-be Jihadis. Get that, America? New York has no icons! BWAH-HA-HA!!! NO ICONS!!!
I don't know what it is the creators of this experimental digital movie were trying to say, exactly, but it's quite beautiful in a disturbing sort of way.
Looks like Verne Troyer might be getting more work soon, seeing as archeologists have uncovered the remains of Mini-Tut!
Jesus Fucking Nailholes... how is this even possible?
Worship at every meal with Jesus Pan!
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BIRTH OF A BIRD-COURSE!
Speaking of Jesus, yer old pal Jerky's got a new idea. What I want to do is invent a new field of study that examines the evolution and extinction of religious faiths. I would like to call this new field of study paleotheology. It's not that I think spirituality is a bad thing, necessarily. I don't even think organized religion always has to be a bad thing (although it mostly is). That organized religion often leads to bad things, however, is not a controversial contention.
Paleotheology would be an attempt at even-handed analysis of the evolution of particular faiths (in relation to other faiths, etc). The idea came to me when I was thinking about why so many adherents of Islam are as violent and extreme as they are. It occurred to me that, evolutionarily speaking, this is a pretty obvious survival mechanism. This, in turn, got me to thinking about Islam as the most recent evolutionary offshoot of Monotheism (previous incarnations being Christianity, then Judaism, going backwards).
It seems as tho monotheism re-invents itself every thousand years or so, but with traits that make it (monotheism) more likely to thrive in a hostile environment. Christianity abandoned the exclusivism of Judaism, thus allowing it to grow by leaps and bounds. Islam, in turn, abandoned the hippy emphasis on peace, love and forgiveness that set Christianity apart (and which it has been abandoning in recent years; yet another evolutionary shift).
Um... Does any of this make any sense?
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Doc20!
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"
The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
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Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke.
A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks surprised but invites her in.
She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?"
He says, "Well, Yes," so she begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?"
He says, "I'm married."
So she starts to put all her clothes back on.
"What the Hell?" the Texan asks.
Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Opie...
Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"
"Oh that's great! She's so pretty."
"Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?' "Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000."
The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy walked on. Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!
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THEY SAID IT!
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"I would say he had to do what he had to do to stop the threat. You can tell his training kicked in and he knew what to do."
- No shit!
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"Whenever we see the words religious and religion in the Constitution, it is in the context of a warning against the use of religious pressure as a weapon of tyranny."
- Yuppers...
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ON THIS DAY
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May 31
On this day in the year 1969, while in the midst of an extended "bed-in" at a Montreal hotel, John Lennon and Yoko Ono record their famous hippy anthem Give Peace a Chance. Later that week, after the living legends end their demonstration and check out, the cleaning staff declare that John and Yoko should probably give soap a chance. "These sheets steenk!" shrieked one disgusted housekeeper.
On this day in 1889, it was the night of the Johnstown Flood. 2,209 people lose their lives in the devastation.
On this day in 1926, the Sesquicentennial Exposition opens in Philadelphia, celebrating a hundred and fifty years of Sasquatch or something... I honestly have no idea.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: 22 WAYS TO BE A GOOD LIBERAL
care of: Nan or Ben
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean Communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, Thomas Edison and A.G. Bell.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.
22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers Christmas Day off but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."
[Sigh. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Jerky; Sitting in a cafe in Japan. Cant you all see that Bill Clinton has been adopted by the Bush klan? we are watching the disastrous effects of a Reagan/Bush dynasty (what all -crooked deals- did George Sr really do before and during his time in office?) Now the world must suffer the fool of his bufoon sons who are now being replaced by Billy boy. What will Hilary do? is she now just another Bush? I would be concerned and think of this one very hard before endorsing her any. She supports the illegal war. and does not get in george dubious`s face much. Why not? I think she is one of them. Motyus
[Sigh. - Jerky]
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MOPJ, I was going through some old web links to see if they still worked and ran across this story, and in it it mentions the places where the infamous "Phoenix memo" was sent. It specifically mentions the bin Laden desk. WTF? How can the people claim that they had no idea what could possiblly happen? YOP, Bob
[How can they keep a straight face about ANY of the shit they pull? - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; Did you hear about this? A 22-year-old shot in the head while in police custody after having an open beer at a hockey game. Sydney
[Very fucked up. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; Just a coupla links about our great leaders. Dubya for you and Bliar for me as I'm a Brit! Keep it up and going Jerkie, Al from Wales
[Thanks, mang! - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; "Workers demolish barn at Hoffa search site (Farm was owned by associate of ex-Teamsters boss; FBI finds nothing yet)" Can you imagine? The Feds are gonna tear this fucking place apart... for nothing. Our tax dollars at work. What would you do if you owned this farm? Cheers, Andy
[You called it, man. - Jerky]
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hey Jerky Read MikeD's retort and loved it! Way to go MikeD! The facts without any political colouration! Kea
[It was as thorough and professional a rebuttal-spanking as we've ever run in the Dirt. - Jerky]
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Jerky, You just destroyed one of my last illusions! 1st June: Hey Jerky; You didn't actually watch the fucking Oprah special, did you? Jack [Actually, I didn't. I was told to write something about it, and I did. So sue me! - Jerky] You were TOLD to write something? And I thought you were the last independent, porn selling ,cajun blogger on the net! Etna Fred.
[We're all puppets to one degree or another. - Jerky]
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From JibJabBadBob : The world is going to hell and I'm drivin' the bus! ALL ABOARD!
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From FireFox : seems some kiddies found the dirt and are busy spamming it....I kinda figures nan or ben was just funnin' about. Next time you exchange e-mail with them, tell them to come chat with us here. They can clear up some misconceptions....then again who would we talk about then?
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From Jerky : Nan or Ben forwarded the list to me with a warning that it was "stupid" and that they had to deal with people of this mentality on a daily basis. They're good people! Honest!
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From wri : The fact that you don't know whwther you are nan or ben is an indicator, that you would come up with that old foolish list is a confirmation..... you are brain dead.
Jerky you show great patience with these fools who support the powers that would silence you
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From Christian : Paleotheology makes sense to me it should include something about Scientology so they can see the error of their cult like ways and religions just make money. I hope more people find the truth in the Dirtfiles. Do you listen to C2C(with Art Bell) by the way Jerky?
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From SofaKing : I just sent Jerky my rebuttal to Nan or Ben's missive. FireFox, they are off my Christmas, Eid, Hannukah, Kwanzaa and all of the other holiday lists... Even though I sympathize with the negative tone toward ultra-liberals. They piss me off, too.
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From YOP Greg : I used to enjoy Nan or Ben's playful and insightful interjections...now I hope that their collective assholes explode.
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From perplexed : Yes, unless we can stop and contemplate our thoughts before thinking them, we are all doomed to puppethood. Otherwise, we remain puppets to another's thoughts. So, you are thinking what you are thinking because why????
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From FireFox : I just crossed Nan or Ben off my holiday list )
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From Beudreaux : The 'problem' with New York is that it's full of enlightened liberals. Same thing with California. Chertoff didn't give California money for its levy system for the same reason Bush is gonna cut Homeland Security funds for New York. Both states are dyed-in-the-wool BLUE states. Period.
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From Six : As far as I'm concerned, New York can take one for the team, stop complaining, and let that money go to police departments in backwoods yokelvilles where it's actually needed to fund department barbecues and buy lynching ropes. Who gives a crap about the Statue of Liberty when that house next door with all the Mexicans needs some policing with an antiterrorist billyclub.
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