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A RETRACTION, AN APOLOGY AND AN EXPLANATION
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After giving it much thought and consideration, yer old pal Jerky has decided to remove the Daily Dirt editorial dated July 11, 2002, which has caused so much offense to so many Thai people over the last week and a half. This decision has been an extremely difficult one for me, and I feel that I owe my readers an explanation of the reasoning behind it. I'll try to keep it brief.
First of all, if this seems like a victory for the hundreds of Thailanders who have been spam-blasting literally tens of thousands of curses, death threats and assorted gibberish to the Dirtfiles message box, to my personal e-mail, and to the e-mail addresses of dozens of our advertisers -- as well as to numerous other individuals who work for the companies with which our website is even tangentially connected -- then so be it. If I said their efforts didn't have an effect, I'd be lying. Sometimes, assholes win by playing dirty. An argument could be made that recent history shows it's the only way to win, but let's leave that for another time.
If it had only been a matter of death threats and spam-attacks, I may never have relented. I've heard it all before, over the years, from a motley assortment of Bush cultists and conservative movement Useful Idiots, many of whom live a whole lot closer to me than Southeast Asia, and all of whom own guns. Besides which, promising to end a life as miserable as yer old pal Jerky's is hardly any kind of threat at all. Also, my colleagues and associates -- while more than a little annoyed by the inconvenience -- were coping with the situation with any and all appropriate countermeasures. Everything, in other words, was under control.
However, there were a handful of kind, heartfelt messages from very sincere Thai people who expressed their grievances and defended King Bhumibol's honor in a patient and rational manner… and these are the messages that tipped the balance in my decision. That, and the fact that the offending piece wasn't all that funny or well written in the first fucking place.
So what has yer old pal Jerky learned from this experience? Two things. First, that it only takes a small amount of rational kindness to cancel out a torrent of spewing, irrational hate. And, second, I love mango chicken far too much to risk getting blacklisted at my local favorite Thai food emporium.
Last but not least, here's a reader-created image of yer old pal Jerky's sweet puss pasted onto the front of a cockroach, for all you "hatas" out there… Enjoy!
Sincerely and with love,
yer old pal Jerky
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Willie Mims!
Two condoms are walking by a gay bar.
One says to the other, "Hey, wanna go in here and get shitfaced?"
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Jim Eby for sending in today's second joke.
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one -- holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Naveed...
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good, said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
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THEY SAID IT!
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"[The Pope told me] it's OK to study the universe and where it began. But we should not enquire into the beginning itelf because that was the moment of creation and the work of God. I was glad he didn't realize I had presented a paper at the conference suggesting how the universe began. I didn't fancy the thought of being handed over to the Inquisition like Galileo."
- Wheelchair-bound superbrain Stephen Hawking tells about the time he met the Pope.
*** **** ***
"A brilliant idea came to me as the Senate Republicans pushed their hopeless proposal for a constitutional amendment to protect marriage from amorous gay people. I agree with all of the arguments about marriage being a foundation in our culture and the best way to raise a family and nourish values. That being the case, let's focus on the real threat. It's time to arrest and imprison everyone who has ever been divorced, make it illegal to have serious marital problems and set up a federal agency to enforce it. It's just that simple."
- The Chicago Tribune's Charles M. Madigan makes a modest proposal.
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ON THIS DAY
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June 12
On this day in 1942, Anne Frank receives a diary as a birthday present. Years later, she will have to posthumously endure every teen-age girl's worst nightmare as millions of people pore over every word she wrote in it.
On this day in 1792, while mapping out the Pacific coast, explorer George Vancouver discovers Vancouver, British Columbia, in Canada. "Wow," he says to himself at the time, "what are the fuckin' odds?!"
On this day in 1965, the Supremes set a music industry record which has yet to be bested when their latest track, Back in My Arms Again, becomes their fifth consecutive single to hit the number one spot across the nation. To this day, no other musical act has bested -- or even equaled -- this feat.
And here's two from the "their parents must be pround" file:
On this day in 1979, Bryan Allen flew a human-propelled aircraft by the name of Gossamer Albatross across the English Channel. It took him two hours and forty-nine minutes. Also on this very same day, Kevin St. Onge takes an ordinary, everyday playing card and flicks it an incredible one hundred and eighty-five feet… a world record that still stands to this day.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: DEFENDING MARRIAGE FROM THE DIRTY GAYS AND LIBERALS
care of: CT
I'm sure you've seen this already (or something like it), but it was forwarded to me, and I found it at least somewhat amusing, if not completly surprising. I cut and pasted, so please forgive the lack of "forward" chevrons. I know; I should have added them.
Ronald Reagan - divorced the mother of two of his children to marry Nancy Reagan, who bore him a daughter only 7 months after the marriage.
Bob Dole - divorced the mother of his child, who had nursed him through the long recovery from his war wounds.
Newt Gingrich - divorced his wife who was dying of cancer.
Dick Armey - House Majority Leader - divorced
Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas - divorced
Gov. John Engler of Michigan - divorced
Gov. Pete Wilson of California - divorced
George Will - divorced
Sen. Lauch Faircloth - divorced
Rush Limbaugh - Rush and his ex-wife Marta have six marriages and four divorces between them.
Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia - Barr, not yet 50 years old, has been married three times. Barr had the audacity to author and push the "Defense of Marriage Act." The current joke making the rounds on Capitol Hill is "Bob Barr... WHICH marriage are you defending?!?"
Sen. Alfonse D'Amato of New York - divorced
Sen. John Warner of Virginia - divorced (once married to Liz Taylor.)
Gov. George Allen of Virginia - divorced
Henry Kissinger - divorced
Rep. Helen Chenoweth of Idaho - divorced
Sen. John McCain of Arizonia - divorced
Rep. John Kasich of Ohio - divorced
Rep. Susan Molinari of New York - Republican National Convention Keynote Speaker - divorced
So... homosexuals are going to destroy the institution of marriage? It seems that Christian Heterosexual Republicans are doing a fine job without anyone's help!
- CT
[Hypocrisy, thy name is conservatism. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Mr LeBoeuf, Am I the onliest one who noticed, a few years back, that Congolizzy accidently called the Preznit her "husband", and shortly after that she went to the hospital for a mysterious procedure in her lower abdomen? Could that possibly have been an abortion? One-a-Day Aram
[I'd say the chances of that are about 100%. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; Is it just me, or does this seem like practice for this? Just sayin'... K
[We will definitely be haunted by this stupid war for at generations to come, in more ways than can be counted. - Jerky]
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Heyo! Call out Gouranga be happy! Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga... That which brings the highest happiness! Neateye
[Fuck you and your Gouranga bullshit. - Jerky]
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Jerky, After 3 years of struggle, I finally got my book -- "BULLY" The True Colors of the IR$ -- published. So far, everyone that's read it has raved about how good it is. Pass this website along to your viewers and let's make some noise man! This is election year and it's time for a FUCKING CHANGE!!! Thanks Jerky and Great Job, Buddy
[Good luck, bro. - Jerky]
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MOPJ, I'm blind! I'm blind! OMG, I did not need to see bottle guy. What the hell were you smokin when you decided to post that? Don't do it again. YOP, Bob
[Okay, I promise not to... oh... oh no! GNYAAAAAH!!! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I couldn't stop myself. - Jerky]
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Jerky me mate, In the Dirt I see something like this... "On This Day, June 7". Then, I read one of the links in the same edition and it sends me to something published June 11. I log onto your website and receive all this June 14. Have TPTB taken over our time perceptions? Am I being paranoid? Or is there a simple answer? yer mate sklag
[Dude, don't you think I'm confused enough as it is? - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Hey OP, You proposed in June 6th's Dirt to run submitted pictures of your head photoshopped onto a roach. This started off as simply that, but I guess my constant seething frustration with the condition of our country and its leaders seeped in, and the picture mutated into its current state. Enjoy. YOP Big Bear
[Not bad! - Jerky]
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From Beudreaux : The window wasn't open that wide.... I didn't look that closely... my socks didn't come back from the laundry! I still can't open my eyes all the way FireFox! I'm numb from the waist down! What am I gonna do???????
Hey....can I sue Jerky for retinal damage? Somebody counsel me here!
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From FireFox : Well if you didn't see that dude's junk staring you right in the face, perhaps it time for an eye check......lol
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From Beudreaux : ....ok....ok....I'm better now...... I doubt I'll ever be 100% again.... but I am better.
Please ....don't post pics like that ok? I have a heart condition....
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From Beudreaux : THAT BOTTLE PIC WAS OF A GUY????????????? I THOUGHT IT WAS SOME GUYS HANDS ON SOME GALS ASS!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU JERKY WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!! I KNOW A FEW THAIS THAT WILL DO IT FOR FREE!!! YOUR A DEAD MAN YOU HEAR ME????????
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From Big Bear : Hey, my pic stayed up for my entire birthmas, what a coincidence.
One-quarter century old... if the recruiters ask, I was never here, guys.
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From AS other Thai : Dear Jerky
Thanks mate. I hope now you can be happy. I dont think Thais want a victory over you. We just want you to delete that topic because it is very far from "jork"c. Ok wish you the best. I will sometimes visit your website again for reading your "really" jork. Thanks
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From spin : while its very benevolant of you to retact you post jerkmiester, be it 'not that funny anyway" I think I have to support the concept of "everything is up for humor", celebrity roast, etc.
As shown by the response to the article people can take life far to seriously, and if they can't see the humor in their blind devotion to a throughly nice rich guy 'ruling' over them then these guys need a little softening up. ps, thai people are lovely I agree, a throughly wonderful country to visit, but you guys
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From Matt no longer up in Canaduhhhhh : Due to this outrage, I will protest eating pad thai for a week
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From Observer : How about a moment of respect for the people of Thailand recently killed by Moslem terrorists?
Seems like those extremists are the real threat, not Jerky.
Try concentrating on the real dangers in life, not the digital ones.
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From Beudreaux : Ok.... let's just leave it alone. Jerky apologized and removed the website.
Time to move on. And just for the record? I don't know him personally.... but I doubt he's in hiding over the threats. It's a new day.
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From spin : perhaps its worth considering that the thai king is quite old now and probably not too far from kicking the bucket. maybe you guys should be considering cutting those irrational devotion strings a little or its really going to hurt when the old guy melts.
Hey that's what retirement homes are for.
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From Your Ancestor : Becareful..............
Your life is in danger....
there are group of people try to find u....they will kill you.....
This is not joke.................
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From Beudreaux : Alex.... I had just managed to get the image of that bottle picture out of my head and you bring it up again.
Ack!
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From alex : fuck, that bottle picture is a premium PsyOp weapon!
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From Bodhidharma : The wise man does not berate the fool.
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From bpond : God bless all you guy,
I do appreciate for your understanding and re-considering about that matter.
We all learn at least a small thing from this. Sometime we need to take meanwhile, we still need to give as well.
Wish everyone lives together peacefully and happiness in our dirty world.
With love,
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From Matt no longer up in Canaduhhhhh : Keep blaming spam filters man!
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From Observer : Thank God it's over...
Now the sex tours can resume.
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From Thai people : Thank you so much Jerky!!!!!! This is really good way to end the problem. I'm sincerely thank you on behalf of many many Thai people.
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From Beudreaux : Jerky never ceases to amaze me.
Ok.
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From SofaKing : MOPJ...It really wasn't all that funny in the 1st place. I support your decision, as hard to swallow as it must have been.
As for the hate filled Thais who acted like jerks, I hope you realize it wasn't your tactics that gained your "victory", but that of your rational and Honorable countrymen. You could learn a thing or two from them.
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From Sindy : Oh, Jerky, I love you even more now. This proves that, no matter what you write, deep down you have a kind heart.
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From George W Bush : Hurray for mango chicken!
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From Blee : Hurray for Thailand !
Hurray for The Dirt !
Hurray for Jerky !
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