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ABSOLUTELY RANDOM SCRAPS AND FRAGMENTS
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As we churn ever closer towards the synchronization of the Daily Dirt's release dates with the calendar, please enjoy these random snatches of aborted thoughts and unfinished musings rescued from yer old pal Jerky's scratchpad, as well as this hilarious re-imagining of a popular scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, sent in by Dirt reader Trembly Dale! - YOPJ
This administration is doing everything in its power to foster fear in the populace, then wielding that fear as their most powerful weapon in a war against freedom, against centuries-old constitutional guarantees, against everything that stands in the way of their meticulously plotted Brave New World Order. What does the future hold for such a regime? There are only a few possible outcomes about to unfold.
I've lately noticed a disturbing trend in new recruitment commercials. The military used to be about being part of a team, about learning to be the best cog you can be in a well-oiled machine. Everybody does their part, and anybody could be a soldier... a very small-d democratic ideal, if you will. Now, the pitch is all promising to transform individuals into one of an elite "rare breed" -- an "Army of One" -- a lonely, killer Superman, if you will. Anyhoo, just noticed that.
Re: The Color-Coded Terror Alert System ~ Believe it or not, there are no published criteria for the threat levels, and no independent way to tell whether the current threat level is accurate, or even what it means in a general sense. The evidence cited to justify changes in threat levels has been stated vaguely and its sources have seldom been revealed. In an unguarded moment, former DHS chief Tom Ridge basically admitted that rises in the Terror Alert levels were bogus. The Alert System is a political tool, a Weapon of Mass Distraction, and it has been wielded recklessly by The Powers That Be. It has NO other value than as a means to boost Preznit Dubya's shitty poll numbers at strategically important moments. The sad truth is that these assholes have wasted BILLIONS of tax dollars for absolutely NO real additional protection.
Order is an illusion, a mass delusion imposed on Chaos by force of Will. Individuality is also an illusion. A single human being, when removed from the greater (yet still illusory) context of humanity, stripped of all the social technology imposed upon it by the herd, barely qualifies as conscious, much less human.
The Bush Crime Family have had it in for FDR and his legacy ever since FDR froze Grand-poppy Prescott Bush's funds because he was trading with the enemy during World War II. The right-wing attack on Social Security -- FDR's most popular and successful program after rural electrification and the national highway system -- can thus be seen as the end-game in a decades-long family feud.
Historically, I think Presnit Dubya is probably going to prove to be one of the single biggest factors in the collapse -- and ultimately, the demise -- of Christianity.
Even if it were true that there can be "no turning back" in Iraq, that doesn't mean the people who blindly led us into that mess have been providing good leadership. Good leaders don't lead you into a mess without a plan. And this administration had no plan. They had the theories and prejudices of a small coterie of neoconservative intellectuals, and that's it.
Ideologically speaking, there is no "bell curve" anymore. Now, with polarized extremism, we have a dumbbell curve, heavy on the ends, with precious few standing at middle ground.
The Bush Crime Family is an integral part of the American Zaibatsu. Always have been. Right there from the start. The American Zaibatsu is hidden. But it's there. And just like the Japanese Zaibatsu, it provides the infrastructure for social fascism.
If conservative movementarians are so certain of the correctness of their creed, why do they spend so much time and energy trying to preemptively choke off debate? They have a disturbing habit of declaring themselves victorious before any kind of debate has even taken place. Evidence of their shallowness is ubiquitous. They engage ideas on the surface level, and have no interest in truth or facts. It's more of a social thing, a game of gotcha unencumbered by any attachment to objective reality. They use buzzwords they don't understand -- postmodern, for instance -- and accuse their rhetorical adversaries of engaging in "moral relativism" in one paragraph, then feign outrage at their "moral equivalence" in the next.
They are deaf to all irony.
There's a reason why Preznit Dubya has so many pundits writing books and taking to the airwaves to defend him... it's because it pays well. His defenders don't even have to believe what they're saying. Their conservatism doesn't have to be authentic. It doesn't even have to be convincing. It only has to exist. On the other hand, you really have to be sincere to take a stand against this administration, because there's no money in it. This is the key difference between hatred of Bill Clinton and hatred of George Bush: Clinton-hate was phony at its core, top-down, directed from above. Bush-hate is ground-up, authentic and sincerely felt.
Civil wars, race wars, religious wars, culture wars, Zodiac wars… whatever it takes, maaan. Nation against nation. Brother against brother. Aries against Virgo.
An Ode to Official Conclusions ~ Haiti's leadership overthrown in a coup? That's goofy talk! Aristide signed a letter of resignation! That makes it OFFICIAL! End of story! And the CIA didn't gun down democratically-elected Chilean president Salvador Allende during their military coup d'etat… he committed SUICIDE! And that's according to the CIA, themselves! Oh, and the attack on the USS Liberty? That was an ACCIDENT! An official inquiry determined this to be so! And by the way, there was no conspiracy to assassinate JFK! Didn't you read the Warren Commission's final report? Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone! Etc, etc, ad nauseum…
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Ken Bryans!
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Johnny, is there anything wrong?"
The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church."
The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
Johnny replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
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Thanks to our old pal Andres for sending in today's second joke.
"If there are any idiots in the classroom, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir...
Q: Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labeled "hif"?
A: Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.
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THEY SAID IT!
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"People have a right to make a living, but working virtually immediately for a company that is bidding for work in an area where you were just setting the policy -- that is too close. It is almost incestuous."
- Clark Kent Ervin, first Inspector General of the United States Department of Homeland Security and all-around good guy, sounds the alarm over the 94 former domestic security officials who are now working for, or lobbying on behalf of, companies that do business in the industry and/or sell domestic security products.
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"Sure."
- This is the answer given by White House Cheif Domestic Policy Adviser Karl Zinsmeister when asked whether he "would feel comfortable putting a doctor in jail for performing an abortion? And not just on-demand, but it could be rape, incest, life of the mother."
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ON THIS DAY
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June 16
On this day in the year 1755, the loyalist Colonel Moncton and his army attack and defeat the Acadian enclave of Fort Beausejour on Canada's east coast. After that, it all turns nasty for yer old pal Jerky's ancestors. Within weeks, the Brits are burning down Acadian homes and crops, slaughtering and stealing livestock, and otherwise making a real mess of the place. Towards the end of that long, hot summer, the Brits decide they'd rather not have any French-speaking neighbors. So they round them up, load them onto rickety boats, steal their few remaining possessions, and ship over three-quarters of the Acadian population madly off in all directions. "Anywhere but here" was their motto. Most of the deportees ended up in Louisiana, where they invented Cajun cooking and taught themselves to talk funny for the tourists.
This day in 1904 is the day on which all the fictional events in James Joyce's ground-breaking novel Ulysses supposedly take place. Literary wanks call this day Bloomsday, while the Irish call it... Wednesday.
In the history of the US Open golf tournament, only 21 holes-in-one have ever been sunk. Four of them happened on this day in 1989 when Weaver, Wiebe, Pate and Price all sink the sixth hole on a single shot.
June 17
On this day in 1856, the Republican Party opens its first national convention in Philadelphia. Chaos ensues.
On this day in 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrives in New York City aboard the French ship Isere. A platoon of janitors is dispatched to Ellis Island to "freshen the French out of her" by scrubbing out her pits and applying the world’s biggest vaginal douche.
On this day in 1963, the Supreme Court renders one of its most intelligent, well thought-out decisions when it decrees that forced prayer and bible classes have no place in the public education system.
On this day in 1972, five men are arrested after breaking into the Democratic National Headquarters in the Watergate building, on President Richard M. Nixon's orders.
On this day in 1994, the world watches on CNN as O.J. Simpson leads the LAPD on the most infamous police chase in history. Yes, that's right... this is the TWELFTH ANNIVERSARY of Bloody Orenthal's abortive "excape" attempt. Can you fucking BELIEVE that shit?! Quothe Uncle John's Band: "Where does the time go?"
June 18
On this day in 1928, aviatrix Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to cross the Atlantic by air. But don't let your estrogen levels get too elevated, ladies... it was as a passenger. And by all accounts, she was an incredibly annoying back seat pilot. Nag nag nag! That's why all the real pilots (i.e. men) got together and decided to let her take the stick into her own hands. And the rest, as they say, is an unsolved mystery.
On this day in 1873, infamous rabble-rousing beeyotch Susan B. Anthony is fined ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for attempting to vote during the previous year's Presidential elections. In today's dollars, that would be… like… a fuckin' MILLION DOLLARS or something. Okay, I admit it... I don't know the real numbers. Yer old pal Jerky never was much good at math. But whatever the exact amount, it's gotta be pretty fuckin' substantial. Hell, even just a hundred is still a good chunk of change!
On this day in 2006 -- that's this year -- Kazakhstan launched their first ever satellite into orbit. That's right, you read right... Kazakhstan, of Central Asian dictatorship infamy, has access to space-faring technology. I mean, it's not as bad as if it had been Turkmenistan, but still!
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: TEEN POVERTY IN AMERICA
care of: PD6
We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall. We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in poverty. Most young men we observed didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group.
But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.
It grieved us, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are those who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.
But here is the saddest part... it was the girls they were hanging out with that disturbed us most. Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their little sister's clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could get them on, let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.
However, it was their underwear that bothered us most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, they had their underwear exposed. We had never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.
We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our American teenagers. While we go to bed every night with a closets full of clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together. We think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gather at the mall; boys with their short daddies' ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find acceptance. So, next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping, and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them?
And one more thing... Will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down, and the girls' strings won't break?
We thank you all,
Two Concerned Grandmothers
[Heheheh... - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Hey Jerky; John Molloy hit the nail on the head when he said: "...the ominous thing is that there is not the will nor the intelligence in this country anymore to address these issues, even in the face of massive fraud. We're dirt dumb, Jerky, and we like it that way. It takes a lot of burden away from us. Things don't work out? Damn government. Your kid's off to fight ill defined wars in places that neither you nor they could point out on a map? Hey, who knew. What are we gonna do about it? Shut up, American Idol is on. We just don't give a shit." I recently had a long e-mail argument with my sister who complained that I was clogging her inbox with stuff about the Bush Mis-Administration. In the end I had to concede defeat. Her arguments were unassailable. "I'm not interested." and "I don't care." Spoken like a true American. Banging my head against the wall would have been more productive. We need a revolution! That is the only way we will get these corrupt individuals out of our Gov't. Any suggestions? Matt
[Yeah. Pop some popcorn and enjoy the show. - Jerky]
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MopJ, This is pretty fucked-up. I am already getting search engine hits for 'whalanol', which is something I made up. At least I had the decency to leave the photo credit and give attribution on my original blog post... sheesh, people will believe anything and steal the rest... I'm bullhorning the choir by telling you that... but c'mon- 'whalanol'? Google it. You'll see. - ABC
[I'm confused... is this a real story or not? - Jerky]
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MOPJ, I don't recall reading about Russ Tice in your little e-rag. Have you mentioned him before or did it just give me the slip? YOP, Bob
[If you google "yer old pal Jerky" and "Russ Tice", you'll see that I've written about him at least twice. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; In response to SSG Tucker's work on calculating the size of the King Kong's cock (or weenie for that matter)... Bravo on your attempt to publicly proclaim that your 7" wee-wee should be thought of as impressive. It's not that far off... by average, you're only an inch or two away from having a big cock, so take comfort in knowing your wife's critique as "good sized" is not too much of a stretch of the truth! B.K.
[Hey, it's better than not having a penis! - Jerky]
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Mr LeBoeuf, If the two American GI's were captured alive, expect to see torture videos. It's OK, you know. We refuse to live up to the Geneva Accords, so those guys are on their own. Since Zarqawi is dead, somebody else will have to do the be-heading. Aram
[You called it, Aram. - Jerky]
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Jerky; Canada's Stephen Harper may well be a religious fanatic, in fact he has been dubbed as a shrub (a little Bush), but the problem is here in Canada, we have minority government, which pretty much detains the shrub from doing too much evil cleansing. Truth is he didn't know anything about buggery till he met GW. Mabye it was that trip to Mexico... too many Coronas and Tequilas. Bush is Cervantes' Don Quixote. Mabye the stupid cowboy watched Brokeback Mountain a few too many times. Not that I feel sorry for Ritchie Cunningham... I mean Harper. He would look funny in jail. RV
[Yeah, but still... Operation Mountain Thrust?! I mean, come on! - Jerky]
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Yo, Jerk Dawg, have you been paying attention to the number of spouses murdered every week or the verdicts in these cases? There's even one case on video at CNN.com where this guy got into a car wreck and his wife's head rolled down the street, unfortunately for both of them, her body was in the car... back home in the garage!! There was a case in Maryland last year where a guy threw gasoline on his wife and lit her. What is it with these people, is divorce that fucking expensive? I guess these are textbook crimes of passions, the solution to their problems must be immediate and permanent. And the damnable shame is they've been snuffing the kids as well. Oh man, these disagreements go well beyond the toilet seat and the toothpaste cap. g
[No kidding. Sheesh. - Jerky]
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From Perplexed : bohidharma.....never forget the power of one, lest we succumb to the corrupt few who would like us to believe its pointless to stand up and be counted. All the answers lie before our eyes......it's just our minds get in the way and cloud the focus. If you are not corrupt, and I am not corrupt...(and assuming Jerky is not corrupt), is there not hope still?
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From bodhidharma : Good discussions today. Today's one of those beautiful summer days which makes me question my deeply held belief that the entire system of culture and civilization developed by humans in the past ten thousand years is irrevocably corrupt to its very core and must therefore be destroyed.
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From Perplexed : APV....re (3) That answer is a subjective question put to each one of us and is the basis of Free Will & the particular blue print each soul arrives (is born) with. re (4) God gave us the sex drive & the ability to enjoy the experience (also Free Will to be selective, etc.). Man-made religions, however, instructed the masses to be 'chaste' as a means of inflicting guilt & shame to control. My particular viewpoint.
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From APV : ponderings I wolud like feedback from OPJ on
1) Why do the Jews believe in G-d yet reject Jesus as the Messiah?
2) Existence of G-d and Human Suffering perspectives from Hinduism Judaism Christianity Islam
3) Who are we? Where did we come from? Where are we going?
4) Why did G-d give me a Sex drive yet finds a state of Virginity to be desireable and next to cleanliness. (Full plate here)
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From Sindy : I don't care if you publish aborted thoughts or unfinished musings - I just love reading your words! Thanks again for another great Dirt!
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From apv : looking forward to your dissertations on paleotheology. Good Luck I hope this keeps the civil debate going. In these pages.
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From APV : Good Point
The Rabbi's of Jesus of Nazerath's time investigated his claims of messiah hood only 3 reruirements one is to be a relative of David and did not approve him.
Jesus of Nazerath has done nothing in the past 2000 years to prove he is the Messiah
So do I get baptized by adult immersion in his name as he claims is a requirement to the Kingdom?(to Nicodemus) Baptism of HOLY SPIRIT BIG QUESTION MARK
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From JERKY again : 2) Not sure what you're asking here, but all these religions are transcendental, meaning they teach that there is an afterlife which makes this life seem pretty insignificant by comparison, meaning no amount of suffering in THIS life can be taken as evidence of a transcendental being's cruelty, because this life is relatively insignificant.
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From Jerky : APV, here are some answers. 1) The Jewish religion and their concept of God existed for a thousand years prior to the arrival of Jesus. Why should Jews accept Jesus as their messiah? Do Christians accept Mohammed as a prophet? Would you take some random dude at his word that he was the Second Coming?
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From APV : ponderings I wolud like feedback from OPJ on
1) Why do the Jews believe in G-d yet reject Jesus as the Messiah?
2) Existence of G-d and Human Suffering perspectives from Hinduism Judaism Christianity Islam
3) Who are we? Where did we come from? Where are we going?
4) Why did G-d give me a Sex drive yet finds a state of Virginity to be desireable and next to cleanliness. (Full plate here)
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From RASTY : Whalanol is a put on.I hope!!At one time it was just the right wing lunatics that didnt know when they were being put on.
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