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CHENEY'S ONE PERCENT DOCTRINE...
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...AND OTHER CRAZY CRAP
According to the Washington Post review of Ron Suskind's new book -- The One Percent Doctrine: Deep Inside America's Pursuit of Its Enemies Since 9/11 -- the following has been confirmed by numerous inside sources:
In March of 2002, Al-Qaeda terrorist Abu Zubaydah was apprehended [Hey! I remember that! - Jerky]
It was quickly determined by Zubaydah's captors that the man was mentally ill, and that his responsibilities in the terror org were limited to minor logistical matters, such as arranging travel plans for the wives and children of more senior al-Qaeda members.
The CIA immediately briefed Preznit Dubya on the facts about Zubaydah's questionable mental illness, and his small-fish status in al-Qaeda.
Two weeks after being briefed on Zubaydah, Preznit Dubya held a press conference wherein he described him as "one of the top operatives plotting and planning death and destruction on the United States" and hyped his apprehension as a huge step forward in the War On TerrorTM.
Later, Bush told CIA cheif George Tenet: "I said he was important. You're not going to let me lose face on this, are you?" Dubya then quizzed Tenet about the efficacy of some of the "harsher interrogation methods" recommended by neoconservative operatives in the Defense Dept.
Zubaydah was subjected to the methods in question -- which included water-boarding and other techniques that unquestionably qualify as torture -- with predictable results. The detainee began spilling the beans on all sorts of terrorist plots targeting shopping malls, banks, supermarkets, water systems, nuclear plants, apartment buildings, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Statue of Liberty, etc.
None of these alleged plots had any evidence behind them except for Zubaydah's "confessions", and yet, with every new plot his interrogators managed to torture out of him, the Terror Alert levels shot up, and thousands of DHS agents raced to lock down each alleged target, wasting untold millions of dollars, needlessly panicking the nation as a whole and providing much-needed boosts to Preznit Dubya's sagging approval ratings.
The reason for all of the above -- and doubtless countless other dubious official behavior since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 -- is the eponymous One Percent Doctrine described in Suskind's new tome. It is taken from a November 2001 meeting between Dick Cheney and the CIA in which Cheney declared: "If there's a one percent chance that Pakistani scientists are helping al Qaeda build or develop a nuclear weapon, we have to treat it as a certainty in terms of our response." In other words, suspicion becomes confirmation.
What we are talking about, here, is total systemic madness with a definite method behind it... and it has led to the torture of a mentally ill peon in order to extract lies with which to terrify the American public.
Suskind's new book also contains another disturbing revelation. It involves a comment Preznit Dubya made to the unnamed CIA employee who briefed him on the infamous August 6 memo that declared Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside United States. After the briefing, Bush told the briefer: "All right, you've covered your ass now."
I'll leave it for you to speculate on the significance of this utterance.
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BITS AND PIECES
In yet another sign that "the tide has turned" in Iraq, one of Saddam Hussein's defense lawyers -- Khamis al-Obeidi -- was kidnapped and murdered during a recent two-day wave of violence that killed hundreds. Al-Obeidi's bullet-riddled corpse was found dumped by the roadside in Sadr City, two days after he'd been pulled from his home by a group of men wearing police uniforms. This has led Hussein's lead lawyer, Khalil al-Dulaimi, to accuse Iraq's Interior Ministry of being infiltrated by Shia assassination squads.
Who uttered the following quote: "Liberals have a preternatural gift for striking a position on the side of treason... Whenever the nation is under attack, from within or without, liberals side with the enemy." Was it Ann Coulter, or Adolph Hitler? You can find the answer, as well as the thirteen other questions, at the Coulter vs. Hitler Quiz! Yer old pal Jerky scored 12 out of 14. See if you can do better!
Yes, yes, it's true... everybody enjoys having a good laugh at the Cult of Scientology and the public goofiness of its idiotic celebrity adherents. But the truth about Scientology really isn't very funny at all. Take a look at this disturbing Flash presentation and see what I mean.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Brummbaer!
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry
one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want
to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery
he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
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Thanks to our old pal Nan or Ben for sending in today's second joke.
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.
So far, I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Javaid...
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm. She will answer, 'I'm the Egg. From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren.
He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that heis far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace as he approaches the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."
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THEY SAID IT!
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"The only reason anyone tortures is because they like to do it. It's about vengeance, it's about revenge, or it's about cover-up. . . . Mistreatment of helpless people in your power is torture, period. I know it, and all of my mates know it. You don't do it. It's an act of cowardice. I hear apologists for torture say, well, they do it to us. Which is a ludicrous argument. The Saddam Husseins of the world are not our teachers. Christ almighty, we wrote a Constitution saying what's legal and what we believed in. Now we're going to throw it away."
- Eric Haney, retired command sergeant major of the U.S. Army and founding member of the Delta Force elite covert counter-terrorist unit, has some choice words for the Bush administration and their illegal, unnecessary businessman's war-of-first-resort in Iraq. "Utter debacle", for instance.
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"A woman in India last week married a snake. I would like to ask the proponents of gay marriage, which after all violates traditions going back through all of human history, to now absolutely positively guarantee that the next movement is not going to be allowing people to marry their pet dog or cat. And you know what? Given the anything goes culture we live in, I don't think they can deliver that guarantee."
- Wall Street Journal deputy editorial page director Dan Henninger celebrates Pride Week by going on FOX News and comparing gay people to animals. The Colbert Report's Stephen Colbert addresses the flaws in Henninger's logic.
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ON THIS DAY
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June 19
On this day in the year 240 BC, some old Greek dude by the name of Eratosthenes correctly estimates the circumference of the Earth to within a few dozen miles. Seeing as there were no Christians around back then, he suffered no punishment for his insolent, heretical knowledge-seeking.
On this day in 1954, the Tasmanian Devil makes his debut in the Warner Bros. cartoon: Devil May Hare! Today, millions of steroid-snorting, pencil-dicked goons have adopted the whirling freak as their God, stamping his likeness on everything from muscle-shirts to mud-guards. I've said it before and I'll say it again... Anyone whose favorite Warner Bros. cartoon character is "Taz" is a person with whom you should avoid contact at all cost.
On this day in 1981, the heaviest known orange in the history of the world -- weighing in at an impressive five pounds -- is exhibited in Nelspruit, South Africa. Meanwhile, on that same day in India, the APPLE communications satellite is launched into orbit. Apples and oranges... Coincidence? Yeah. Right.
Happy JUNETEENTH, everybody! "No man can put a chain around the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck." - Frederick Douglass
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: WILLIAM SAFIRE'S RULES FOR WRITING
care of: a few readers
1) Remember to never split an infinitive.
2) The passive voice should never be used.
3) Do not put statements in the negative form.
4) A verb has to agree with their subjects.
5) Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
6) If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
7) A writer must not shift your point of view.
8) And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
9) Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
10) Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!
11) Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
12) Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
13) If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
14) Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
15) Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
16) Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
17) Always pick on the correct idiom.
18) The adverb always follows the verb.
19) Eschew obfuscation.
20) Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
- William Safire
[The sad thing is, I didn't catch on to what Safire was up to until the exclamation marks entry. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Hey Jerky; Have you looked at the numbers from the previous poll and the current? It seems more than co-incidental that about the same amount of people hate the Jersey girls as would rather see an innocent man put to death? Just a thought. YOP spamolytic46
[Good eye, Spamo! - Jerky]
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MOPJ, Just thought I'd drop you a line to say that I was disappointed that you conceded to pressure to retract/remove your excellent statements on the Thigh King, but anyhoo, I gotta say that you're still AOK in my book and today's dirt was a nice read. Thanks and keep on fighting TPTB! YOPT
[Thanks for understanding, T. - Jerky]
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Dear Mr Jerky; My son sent me this saying that this covers his forwarding for a while as it's so good. Yes, and rather hypnotic. If GWB gets stuck, just click on him and give him a tug - if you want to. William
[I never get tired of that. - Jerky]
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Mr LeBoeuf, I don't remember where I read it, but apparently Laura Bush is living in a hotel because of Dumbo's on-going affair with Congolizzy. Aram
[Anything is possible in this, the best of all possible worlds. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky, I sure wish you hadn’t given in to the Thai death threats, insults et-al... the broken English was interesting. I almost worked out how to get my DVD remote to work! Ah well, guess it had to stop sometime. Ringo
[Don't worry. I'll piss off someone else soon enough. - Jerky]
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Jerky; Thousands In NY are Dying Of 9/11 Disease, and Uranium seems like a probable suspect. Yet more fallout, literally, from Bushco's lies. - M
[I don't get it. - Jerky]
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Jerky; We all know your little "voting" thingy is run by Die-ablo and those of us
with brains will not partake in bullshit like that, just like we refuse to partake in any mother-fucking elections held by the "supposed" united states of what-thee-fuck-ica. God damn, boy... We are the Real Americans. We will have and we will serve Justice to All. McTubers
[Are you talking about the Dirt poll at the bottom of the left side of the page? If so, then NO, neither "Die-ablo" nor Diebold have anything to do with it. - Jerky]
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From FireFox : do a google of Neil C. Reinhardt....i wonder if this is the same guy, sure sounds like it
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From Perplexed : IrishDave....it's New Hampshire.
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From Beudreaux : Mayhaps Neil farted in his sleep and woke himself up.
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From FireFox : I'm betting we have picked up a freeper, Beudreaux.
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From Beudreaux : Hey Neil.... something bothering you?
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From Neil C Reinhardt : BULL SHIT!
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From Sindy : A lot of great links today - thanks Jerky!
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From FireFox : I only got 11 Coulter's, but I got Safire right off. P
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From IrishDave : Which state has the slogan" Live Free or Die bold!" on its license plate?
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