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HALLIBURTON'S 600 PERCENT DOCTRINE
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UN-FRIGGIN'-BELIEVABLE
WOWZERS!!! What a crazy coinkee-dink that Congressional Republicans would snuff a bill to police Halliburton's crazy profiteering in Iraq in the same week that documents have surfaced linking Dick Fuckin' Cheney to all those fat-n-juicy no-bid contracts! I mean, what are the fuckin' odds?! About the same, I suspect, that federal spending on Halliburton contracts would have shot up an astonishing 600 percent in the last six years, if the Republicans hadn't succeeded in stealing the 2000, 2002 and 2004 elections.
Speaking of Republicans living down to their shitty, anti-democratic reputation, GOP leaders in the House were recently forced by their party's lunatic fringe to cancel a vote renewing the landmark 1965 Voting Rights Act civil rights legislation, because of the proposed continuation of federal scrutiny over Southern states and a provision that would allow for bilingual ballots in some areas. They also killed a proposed and modest hike in the federal minimum wage, a three-step process that would have seen it go from $5.15 to $7.25 an hour over the next few years. Racism AND social Darwinism! Two great tastes that go great together! It's GOP-nut Butter Cups!
In keeping with yesterday's Stupid Stupid World, here's a website featuring more Hitler Cats than you can sieg a heil at.
Ooohhh... this story about a Bronze Age Sky Disc from Germany -- which, at 3600 years old, could be the "oldest concrete representation of the stars in the world" -- is really chill-inducing to a history buff like yer old pal Jerky. Check it out!
Chinese scientists have discovered a freaky-deaky orchid that is literaly caoable of fucking itself. The gravity-defying flower twists its own male sex organs 360 degrees in order to to fertilize its own female organs, which will no doubt result in some horribly mutated baby orchids. Wish I could do that.
Holy crap! Mexicans are decapitating people, too! Head-hunting... it's not just for Jihadis anymore.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Naveed!
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway in Germany. A man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
The man tells him, "Terrorists have kidnapped three England fans for a 10 million euro ransom or they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
The man replies, "About two gallons..."
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Thanks to our old pal Mr. Mike for sending in today's second joke.
Sailor Dick: "What kind of ship is that?"
Captain Bob: "Frigate."
Sailor Dick: "You're right. Who gives a fuck."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Tony from Oz...
A guy wakes up one morning with a terrible hangover. He feels like shit. As he stumbles out of bed, he notices a strange woman asleep face down next to him. He staggers to the bathroom, eyes still half shut, and takes a very long leak. Then he goes over to the mirror. As his eyes begin to focus, he
notices a short string hanging from the corner of his mouth. He clasps his hands together, closes his eyes and prays: "Please God, let it be a tea bag."
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THEY SAID IT!
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"The key question is what is it about America's War on Terror that is such that bin Laden would want it to continue, and Bush to continue conducting it."
- After revealing that CIA insiders had determined that Osama bin Laden wanted Dubya re-elected in 2004, Ron Suskind -- author of The One Percent Doctrine: Deep Inside America's Pursuit of Its Enemies Since 9/11 -- wonders why, without explicitly mentioning the possibility of the two of them being in cahoots, that might be the case.
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"We are not changing how we treat customer information. We updated our policy to make the language clearer and easier for our customers to understand."
- AT&T Inc. Spokesman Michael Coe lying his ass off about the revision of his company's privacy policy, over which they now claim sole proprietorship.
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ON THIS DAY
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June 20
On this day in 1402, the Battle of Angora takes place. That's the one where the entire Turkish Army was defeated by an armada of warriors wearing expensive wool sweaters. Oh well... at least they didn't get their asses kicked by Kashmir.
On this day in 1793, inventor Eli Whitney applies for a patent on his cotton gin, but regulators prove reluctant when they find out you can't drink it. Not without getting cotton mouth, anyway.
On this day in 1963, leaders from the United States and the Soviet Union agree to set up a telephone "Hot Line" to guarantee instant communication at all times, in case of a nuclear emergency. Less than one year later, Stanley Kubrick would have a fictional President Merkin Muffley hilariously inform a drunken Premiere Kissoff that one of his generals… "well, he went a little funny… funny in the head. And he did a silly thing." The film is Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, and the President was played by the legendary Peter Sellers, in the absolute funniest one-sided telephone conversation ever caught on film. If you haven't seen this movie yet, what the fuck are you waiting for? You think art isn't important? Now more than ever, folks… now more than ever.
HAPPY 56th BIRTHDAY to the Nazi-spawned Central Inteligence Agency! Click THIS for a no-frills, first-steps primer on the litany of assassination plots, LSD experiments, botched invasions, overlooked moles and furhter evils wrought upon the world by one small part of the "shadow side" of government, in all your names.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: WHAT IS A WAR CRIME, ANYWAY?
care of: William Rivers Pitt, via MattDragon
Article 147 of the Fourth Geneva Convention defines war crimes as, "Willful killing, torture or inhuman treatment, including willfully causing great suffering or serious injury to body or health, unlawful deportation or transfer or unlawful confinement of a protected person, compelling a protected person to serve in the forces of a hostile power, or willfully depriving a protected person of the rights of fair and regular trial, taking of hostages and extensive destruction and appropriation of property, not justified by military necessity and carried out unlawfully and wantonly."
How many of these definitions have been met by the United States during our ill-fated adventure in Iraq and during this so-called "War on Terror" as a whole?
Willful killing? Check! See Fallujah, Haditha, etc.
Torture or inhuman treatment, including willfully causing great suffering or serious injury to body or health? Check! See Abu Ghraib.
Unlawful deportation or transfer or unlawful confinement of a protected person? Check! see Guantanamo and the secret "rendition" of prisoners for interrogation to nations that practice torture as a matter of daily business.
Willfully depriving a protected person of the rights of fair and regular trial? Check! see Guantanamo again.
Extensive destruction and appropriation of property, not justified by military necessity and carried out unlawfully and wantonly? Check! see much of Iraq, specifically its former petroleum industry.
- WRP via MattDragon
[Veritas. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Jerky; Much like TV Funhouse I was consistently astonished that Wonder Showzen was ever aired. Withoutout a doubt the filthiest, most fucked-up kids' show parody I've ever seen. Some of the humor was blacker than pitch at midnight, and some of it wasn't as funny as it was disconcerting. But there was occasionally some sheer brilliance in there. I loved the sequences where they'd get kids to interview adults and ask them all sorts of bawdy questions and that blue puppet they take around and annoy people with. But my favorite stuff was the animation: They did one where they likened the Bible to herion and portrayed Jesus as a partier who uses his 'miracles' to manifest hot chicks. He then ends by doing some breakdancing with the crowd chanting 'Go Jesus! Go Jesus!' The best was probably 'World Politics in 30 Seconds'. It started with a shot of the globe, North America front and center. The United States then roars to life, growing a befanged mouth in the middle of the Eastern seaboard. It then uproots itself and runs around the globe on the stumps of Texas & Florida over to the Middle East. It then proceeds to tear into Iraq, blood/oil spewing all over the place. And then, once it rips the country from the globe and devours it, America then runs into southeast Asia where it shits out 3 Mexicos into China and Indonesia. Seemed pretty accurate in my estimation. Cheers! Jack
[It's a great show. Buy the DVD! - Jerky]
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MOPJ, My oh my, look at what is in my own back yard. YOP, Bob
[There's oil in them there Rocky Mountains! - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky, I don’t know much about the King of Thailand, but being the last communist, I don't go much for royalty. The Dutch royal family are kinda ok, only because they like to get drunk in the streets with the people. Anyway feel free to take the piss out of our own little Johnny Howard. The best I have seen was a stand in of Johnny, singing "I am the lips beneath your ring" to a picture of your own personal monkey god, George "Let's kill kids in the name of Jesus" Bush. Australians won’t give you death threats, after all we are now apprentice Americans, and doesn’t it suck. Frank V
[It sure does. - Jerky]
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Hail Jerky One, If you think back a number of years when you first came aboard there I was with my constant references to my "Enjoying the dance". By George, I think you've got it.
Cheers, YOPMick
[Okay, so how do I get rid of it? - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; I saw an article today with the headline Bush Likens Hungarian Uprising to Iraq War. My first thoughts were "Needless and unwinable?" CT
[Those who learn from history are doomed to be disappointed by their fellow man's behavior. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; About Zubaydah, looks like the show is going on. Preliminary information on the Miami bust shows another group of semi-retards that the government spoon fed to make a bust. Nan or Ben
[Just like the Toronto bust. - Jerky]
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MOP Jerky, Check out this site. It is a list of some of the inventions and processes people have made since about 1900 that have been suppressed by our government, the oil companies, the banks, the patent office and the military. Almost any thing you can imagine is on that list. Anti-gravity, flying saucers, 250 mpg carburetors, processes for neutralizing spent uranium fuel rods, near immortality, etc. These inventors have been bought off, scared off, thrown into prison on trumped-up charges, burned out, and murdered by the PTB to keep everything as is. A fascinating read! YOP Kenny "B"
[Cool! - Jerky]
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From spin : re kenny b - if these inventions actually work, what is to stop someone posting it all over the internet. making the technology free.
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From Max the Joke Critic : SIX? I agree. I read your comment before I read the joke and I about sprayed coffee all over the keyboard....
That was the best joke he's had up all year....
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From Marxism : Good Grief Jerky! I checked out the Hitler cats site and some of them pussies looked more like Groucho Marx than Hitler.
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From Sindy : Man, it's gonna take me HOURS to get through all the great links today. Thanks for weekend reading, Jerky!
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From IrishDave : I think you are alittle unforgiving in labeling the MouthPiece for Mutha Bell a LIAR... Are they the good folks that have always been able to reach out and touch you? Hell if you can figure out the existing "policy' it SEEMS like they can do any f*cking thing they want to anyway...Sure its ARROGANT for them to publicly state what has always been their PRACTICE by calling it POLICY...but they are the Phone Company...they don't give a SH*T they never have and they don't HAVE to! oh, have a nice day...
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From APV : The Ad for Net Span TV used to say "Your home town"
now it says "Toronto" which is where I live have they logged my IP address and are now targeting me with naked brunettes which I like to get me to buy stuff?
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From Six : That Worst Joke was too good to be a Worst Joke. Every now and then it comes up, but i'LL BRING IT UP AGAIN. the 'Dirt definitely needs a board to review the joke quality. Cheers!
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