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WE'RE ALMOST THERE!
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We've been zooming pretty fast through the Daily Dirts over the last couple weeks, so there's a pretty good chance you may have missed one or two editions. That's why today's Dirt is a "catch-up" Dirt, linking to some of the more recent editions and stories, giving you a second chance to check'em out. Enjoy! - YOPJ
BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY
In the Star Trek fictional universe, there exists a Starfleet Academy "no-win" training exercise known as the Kobayashi Maru. Without going too deep into the geeky details, the primary purpose of this test is to determine how would-be officers face the prospect of certain defeat and inevitable death. While a cadet, James T. Kirk became infamous for being the only person in Starfleet history to defeat the Kobayashi Maru test, which he did on his third try, after secretly reprogramming the simulator so that it was possible to win. In other words... Kirk cheated. I bring this up today because it is now clear that we have reached a point in America's history where the conservative movement, via the Republican Party, treats democracy as its own Kobyashi Maru test, and considers itself perfectly justified in using any means necessary to make sure mere elections don't get in the way of their Brave New World Order unfolding exactly as they've planned...
NEWS IN THE NEWS
Former Bush administration official David "Cashback" Safavian -- whose job as chief procurement officer involved buying stuff for the federal government -- has been found guilty on four counts of lying about and covering up his dealings with disgraced Republican uber-lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Safavian, who will be sentenced in October, faces the possibility of 20 years behind bars. This might help explain why, as his last act on the job, he bought thirty thousand dollars' worth of patchouli-scented soap-on-a-roaps, and fifty palette-loads of triple-ply toilet paper, and seventy gallon-sized jugs of anal lube on behalf of the DC-area minimum security prison system...
CHUNKS AND FRAGMENTS
As we churn ever closer towards the synchronization of the Daily Dirt's release dates with the calendar, please enjoy these random snatches of aborted thoughts and unfinished musings rescued from yer old pal Jerky's scratchpad.
CHENEY'S ONE PERCENT...
What we are talking about, here, is total systemic madness with a definite method behind it... and it has led to the torture of a mentally ill peon in order to extract lies with which to terrify the American public. The reason for countless instances of dubious official behavior since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 is the One Percent Doctrine described in Ron Suskind's latest book. It is taken from a November 2001 meeting between Dick Cheney and the CIA in which Cheney declared: "If there's a one percent chance that Pakistani scientists are helping al Qaeda build or develop a nuclear weapon, we have to treat it as a certainty in terms of our response." In other words, suspicion becomes confirmation...
...AND HALLIBURTON'S 600
WOWZERS!!! What a crazy coinkee-dink that Congressional Republicans would snuff a bill to police Halliburton's crazy profiteering in Iraq in the same week that documents have surfaced linking Dick Cheney to all those fat-n-juicy no-bid contracts! I mean, what are the fuckin' odds?! About the same, I suspect, that federal spending on Halliburton contracts would have shot up an astonishing 600 percent in the last six years, if the Republicans hadn't succeeded in stealing the 2000, 2002 and 2004 elections...
PATSY RAMSEY AND AARON SPELLING... TOGETHER AT LAST!
How proper, and even poetic, that Patsy Ramsey -- mother of much-mourned child beauty-corpse Jon-Benet -- should be killed by her own womb. Or, if you're one of those people who thinks there's a chance the parents didn't do it themselves, it's darkly ironic. Either way, it seems worth mentioning. And speaking of corpses, yer old pal Jerky was sad to learn that Charlie's Angels of Death have escorted Aaron Spelling to that big Love Boat cruise in the sky... or was it a Fantasy Island in Hell? Let's keep our fingers crossed that old Aaron doesn't get too severely punished for unleashing crap like Vega$, Hart to Hart and Tori onto an unsuspecting world…
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope!
A very large old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings, it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived, they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
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Thanks to our old pal YOPDMZ for sending in today's second joke.
Rush Limbaugh walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender points and says, "What's that?"
The frog says, "It started out as an anal cyst."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by The Naked Critic...
Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim!
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THEY SAID IT!
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"They should let Ann Coulter do it instead? You can turn on the idiots rambling on cable television on any given night of the week, and then you say musicians shouldn’t speak up? It’s insane."
- Bruce Springsteen talks with CNN about being "a musician who has taken a political stand".
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"Lurking just over the horizon are liabilities for three Republicans who have topped several national, independent polls for the GOP's favorite 2008 nominee: Sen. John McCain (affair, divorce), former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (affair, divorce, affair, divorce), and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani (divorce, affair, nasty divorce). Together, they form the most maritally challenged crop of presidential hopefuls in American political history."
- Oh, the fuckin' IRONY!
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ON THIS DAY
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June 22
On this day in 1633, the Roman Catholic Church forces Galileo Galilei to disavow his theory that the Earth orbits around the Sun, rather than vice-versa. Three hundred and sixty years later, in 1992, the Vatican admits it made a mistake, and that Galileo was right. Which leads yer old pal Jerky to wonder... how long do you think it will be before they finally admit to making up all that GOD crap in order to keep the rabble in line?
On this day in the year 1847, Captain Hanson Gregory took the top of a round tin pepper box and pressed it down into one of his mother's uncooked miniature fried cakes, creating the world's first doughnut! Today, doughnuts are considered a separate food group in Canada, and they make up roughly 35% of the average police officer's diet.
On this day in 1956, playwright Arthur Miller defies the House Committee on Un-American Activities by refusing to "name names," as they used to call it. Chaos ensued.
On this day in 1873, the province of Prince Edward Island joins Canada. Chaos ensues.
On this day last year, the Daily Dirt runs an eye-opening report on Central Asia. It took a long time to write, and turned out pretty good, so maybe it'd be worth going back and reading again, as it's still pretty relevant to our life and times.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: SEVEN KINDS OF SEX
care of: anonymous
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
[SEX ain't nothin' but LOVE misspelled. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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What's up, Mang? I got 10 out of 14 on the Hitler versus Coulter Quiz... the similarities are mind-boggling between that demented Afghan hound-bitch and der Fuhrer. In reference to Dubya falling on the bubbles, why don't someone create a scenario by which you can give him a dynamite stick suppository? You know, like the bottle guy, only different. Finally, I take Rense with a grain of salt these days, it's difficult for me to find him particularly credible. Some things he says may indeed be true, the problem is determining what. YOPGessier
[You should take everything with a grain of salt, but you're right... Rense requires a mouthful. - Jerky]
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Jerky; Best read I've had in a long time! The William Safire piece was priceless and the GWB thing, I found I can sqeeze him between a couple of spheres and he'll twitch very convincingly. Made my day. Thanks! TROPHD
[You're welcome. - Jerky]
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Dear Mr. Jerky... Now THIS is going to be interesting. Do they attempt to shoot it down? What if they miss? Will we be even more of a laughing stock to the world than we already are? My bet is this... that they try to shoot down the North Korean missile but don't tell anyone. What do you think will happen? Cheers, Andy
[Absolutely nothing is going to happen. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; This... might amuse you. Kaltros
[Very excellent. - Jerky]
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Hey There MOPJ!! Weren't we in the black when Clinton left office? Why aren't we making alternative fuel developement a top priority? Especially when read stories like these. Tony H
[Well, that's not really a fair comparison, because Clinton wasn't mentally retarded. - Jerky]
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Re: Ann vs Adolf, I scored 100% dude... it's actually pretty easy. Both may be evil douchebags, but there is a distinctiveness to the writing style... just give the remark the smell test. If it seems like strategic political manoevering and has a kind of Luciferian logic to it, it's Hitler. If it's nothing more than a petty jet of venom, loosely garbed (completely unintentional anorexia jab) in a few half-grokked 3 dollar words, it's Coulter. Or, you could just count the syllables. To your credit, the test tallys incorrectly in my Firefox, so you may wish doublecheck your score visually. Lee
[I'm satisfied with my score. - Jerky]
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Jerky; I note with amusement the banner ad at the bottom of The Dirt pimping software to clean porn from one’s browser. Isn’t this inimical to the interests of the rest of your advertising clients? ACD
[Wouldn't the opposite be true? Who but consumers of porno would ever need to erase it from their computer? - Jerky]
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From Dark Angel : Speaking of Star Trek, has you seen 'Undiscovered Country'? The Undiscovered Country represents the future. Why is it that many people are scared of the future? I think the powers to be are. There are 2 oils wars in my lifetime and the third coming up. Truthfully I dont like the chore of pumping gasoline in my car. The idea of driving to the gas station and getting gas is a waste of time.
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From Six : Hey XXX- I have yet to see any sleeping going on in any porn.
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From Jerky : Indeed.
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From Beudreaux : You don't need to delete the Belladonna.... you need to take it.
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From XXX : I need to delete some Belladonna, Katja Kasin and Anna Nova Myself Dirty Whores always sleeping with the blacks they ought too be shot.
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From Jerky : Fixt
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From FireFox : The Safavian link just comes back to this edition.
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From APV Indigo : So...Jerky are you going to run my Soapbox Submission? or it may be better to remove names, I just asked one of them for a 6 figure donation and am waiting for a reply so dont want to upset him.
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From Six : Hey what the hell happened to the links to Jon Benet's mom's own womb? I flip over to the archives and come back and the whole page is different!
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From FireFox : Missed an edition?! What the hell do you mean? I'm always cussing you on the weekend because I have to go elsewhere to find something to read.
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From LadyThunder : Jerky, when are you going to get on Myspace and knock out Tom and that Tequilla girl out the box with all your friends.
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