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THE MIAMI SEVEN : TERROR CELL OR WU-TARD CLAN?
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Two weeks ago, FBI and Homeland Security agents arrested seven members of a strange religious cult operating out of a warehouse in a rundown neighborhood in Miami, Florida. The men stand accused of conspiring to wage "jihad" against America and plotting to blow up Chicago's Sears Tower, among other noteworthy buildings and institutions. At long last, The Powers That Be finally got what they've been pining for: an Enemy Within; an All Purpose Excuse… some real, live, home-grown, all-American al-Qaeda! Let's get to know The Miami Seven on a one-on-one basis, shall we? - YOPJ
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LYGLENSON LEMORIN
Codename(s): Brother Levi, Brother Levi-El, Brother Lysol.
Rank: Highly Cherished Soul-jah in the Army of the Infinitely Righteous Luminous One.
Responsibilities/Duties: Mostly janitorial.
Known Superpowers: A household chemical weapons expert, Lemorin is surrounded by a mysterious force-field of unknown origin that causes any photograph taken of him to come out blurry. May possess as-yet poorly understood voodoo powers.
Known Weaknesses: Gullibility.
DHS Estimated Threat Level: Extreme.
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NAUDIMAR HERRERA
Codename(s): Brother Naudi, Lipps Babalon.
Rank: Lost Tribe Saint of the Ten Commandments, First Class.
Responsibilities/Duties: DJ, hype-man, comic relief.
Known Superpowers: Brother Naudi is chronic ambidextrous, which means he can roll blunts single-handed, using either hand. He can also roll joints with his feet, but nobody ever wants to smoke them.
Known Weaknesses: Poor judge of character, prone to munchies.
DHS Estimated Threat Level: Impossible to over-estimate.
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PATRICK ABRAHAM
Codename(s): Brother Pat, Professor Rolex Drambuie III.
Rank: Master of Communications.
Responsibilities/Duties: Setting up bootleg X-Box Live for all members. Plus, you know... web stuff, like, e-mail and shit.
Known Superpowers: Holds high-score on Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas; wears a woven bonnet of unknown origin that prevents government mind-control beams from penetrating his skull; reads at an 8th Grade level.
Known Weaknesses: Believes everything he reads.
DHS Estimated Threat Level: Continental.
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STANLEY GRANT PHANOR
Codename(s): Brother Sunni, Kool Mahdi.
Rank: Black Knight Priest of the Moorish Science Temple.
Responsibilities/Duties: Reconciling the tenets of Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, Freemasonry, Gnosticism, Taoism, Scientology, Kung Fu and Karate into a single, devastating martial art.
Known Superpowers: Has watched and studied every movie ever made by the Shaw Brothers of Hong Kong.
Known Weaknesses: The ladies.
DHS Estimated Threat Level: Hemispheric.
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BURSON AUGUSTIN
Codename(s): Brother B, Peardrax.
Rank: Medical officer and team nutritionist.
Responsibilities/Duties: First aid, menu planning, grocery shopping, food preparation.
Known Superpowers: Has memorized every episode of Rescue 9/11; keeper of many forbidden prison recipes, like toilet tank banana peel wine.
Known Weaknesses: Toilet tank banana peel wine.
DHS Estimated Threat Level: Planetary.
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ROTHSCHILD AUGUSTINE
Codename(s): Brother Rot
Rank: Trial member in good standing.
Responsibilities/Duties: Procurement, inventory, general gofer duties.
Known Superpowers: When Brother Rot puts up his hair, he's the splitting image of Brother B.
Known Weaknesses: Suffers from a long list of crippling phobias, including fear of spiders, heights, water and ghosts.
DHS Estimated Threat Level: Off the charts.
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NARSEAL BATISTE
Codename(s): Brother Naz, Prince Manna, Prince Naz, Brother Manna, Prince "Brother" Nazmanna, etc, etc.
Rank: Pope Lord High Rabbi/Pharoah Imam of the Bleeding Rosy Cross-your-Heart Brahmin Apocalyptic Angel King Cobra.
Responsibilities/Duties: As undisputed founder, leader and mastermind of the Miami Seven terrorist cell, Batiste's responsibilities and duties are all-encompassing. Recently, most of his time has been spent securing adequate footwear for his nascent army of Osama-bin-Wannabes.
Known Superpowers: Has been to Chicago; unparalleled human beat-box ability.
Known Weaknesses: Suffers from gout, diabetes, and a really bad attitude.
DHS Estimated Threat Level: Universal.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope!
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow."
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Thanks to our old pal N8Possibilities for sending in today's second joke.
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
Father Flaherty said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did Father!"
Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No not yet Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh Thank Ye, Father." They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again...
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs Donovan, How are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "He's gone to Rome to blow out yer friggin' candle!"
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Greg...
Q: What's the last thing a little boy sees before he dies?
A: My collection of Barney tapes!
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THEY SAID IT!
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"As a retired colonel with 29 years in the US Army and Army Reserves, and as a US diplomat for 16 years who resigned in March 2003 from the State Department in opposition to the war in Iraq, I strongly support Watada's decision to publicly challenge the illegality of the war."
- Retired Col. Ann Wright, who resigned in protest of Preznit Dubya's foreign policy back in 2003, served in the U.S. Army for 13 years and in the U.S. Army Reserves for 16 years. She also served for 16 years in the U.S. diplomatic corps, and in that capacity helped reopen the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, Afghanistan in December 2001. She received the State Department’s Award for Heroism as the acting U.S. ambassador during the rebel takeover of Freetown, Sierra Leone in 1997. Now, she's defending Watada.
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"The USA is not run by its would-be democratic government. Nothing could be more pathetic than the role that has to be played by the President of the United States, whose power is approximately zero. Nevertheless, the news media and most over-thirty-years-of-age USA citizens carry on as if the President has supreme power."
- Shortly before his death in 1983, the great innovative thinker R. Buckminster Fuller came to understand that the United States is, and always has been, ruled by a powerful and invisible force behind the scenes.
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ON THIS DAY
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June 26
On this day in 1948, things were looking bleak in post-war Europe. The Soviet Union, upset over having been cut out of the decision-making process regarding Germany's economic future, had recently taken the rather bold, bullying move of imposing a military blockade, choking off all roads and rail-lines leading into the city of West Berlin, which was located entirely within the Soviet-controlled, East German zone of occupation. Figuring it would be bad form to spark World War III so soon after the end of World War II, President Harry Truman put the kaibosh on his Joint Cheifs of Staff, who recommended military retaliation. He opted instead to institute a massive airlift effort, flying in food, supplies and -- we can be pretty sure about this -- decks of cards with nekkid ladies on 'em to the city besieged. It was a public relations master-stroke that pretty much glued a black hat on the USSR, as far as Cold War role-playing game was concerned.
On this day in 1989, Miami Vice star Don Johnson temporarily forgets his insatiable desire for gay cock and marries ripening air-head Melanie Griffith… for the second time!
On this day in the year 1945, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Prime Minister Winston Churchill's plot to replace the doomed League of Nations with a new international organization to force their pinko-liberal agenda on ostensibly free nations in the postwar world came one step closer to reality when representatives from fifty nations gathered in the Herbst Theater auditorium in San Francisco (figures!) to sign the United Nations Charter. The Charter called for the U.N. to enforce international treaties, promote vile socialist programs, destroy national sovereignty by establishing international law, promote the dubious and sinister notion of so-called "human rights," and terrify many fine, upstanding Americans by building secret concentration camps right under our noses and flying black helicopters over empty fields throughout the Homeland's Heartland. Despite this endless parade of crimes against freedom and the Lord God Jesus, since 1945, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to the United Nations, its organizations and officials a grand total of ten times, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that this shadowy cabal of egg-head Swedes are totally in cahoots with these fascistic, would-be international overlords.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: BANNING THE BUTTS
care of: Hammerhead
MOPJ, In response to MTR's blurb regarding cigarette smoking being banned, prohibited in certain places or subject to arrest or a fine I have a few things to say. First of all, I am surprised Florida is just getting around to these types of laws. We here in the "Golden" state of California have tons of laws already in place. Smoking is prohibited on the Los Angeles County beaches. Bars and restaurants got the axe years ago (over a decade). They even prohibit smoking within 15 feet of an entrance to public places!
And while I am a smoker myself and resent this type of legislation, it is only going to get worse for us. TPTB want to please the growing number of non-smokers with these acts and laws, yet they will NEVER outlaw the use of tobacco entirely because of the HUGE taxbase involved with smoking. Much like prohibition of alcohol they realize they would seriously have to lock up nearly half the population to effectively ban tobacco sales. With taxes at around seventy-five cents a pack on the state level and whatever other taxes are levied at the federal level, they couldn't afford to lose the smoking population.
As I sit here with a cigarette in hand, it brings to mind other useless laws that should be common sense items a person should be able to choose for themselves instead of being laws. Seat belts - heck yeah - manufacturers should and are required to install them in your car before they sell it to you. But the decision to wear it should be your own - except for all those $90.00 fines they collect just for yanking you over if you don't have one on. Helmets for motorcyclists - ditto.
And now we have all this bullshit legislation arising from the smoking ban in certain areas, heck, we smokers are just a new source of revenue for the big G. It's too easy to stop a guy (or gal) near a building entrance and levy a $300.00 fine. We're just easy targets that lately seems all of the targets they choose are the easy ones.
Just venting. Thanks for all you do!
YOP
Hammerhead
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Hey Jerky MOP, I and the folks here at the Alliance for a Better form of Toilet Paper Storage want your learned opinion on a matter of grave urgency. Would it be illegal, as in against the current law, to sport a bumper sticker that said “Resign or Die”? Thanking you in advance of our printing of 100,000 of them, I remain, yours truly, Victory
[I think some people might consider that to be pushing things over the line a bit, yeah. - Jerky]
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Ok, you've got to admit if Rushed Limburger (smells the same, why not spell it the same) uses the ex-con and ex-San Diego mayor (became ex-San Diego mayor because of a conviction and jail sentence for fucking with contribution reporting) Roger (the pimple) Hedgecock (no need to redo this one) as a stand in, it must confirm their blatant ability to raise the dangling digit to all who think laws should be obeyed. Lucien
[Well. That was confusing. - Jerky]
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MOPJ, I had to reread a paragraph in this article to make sure what I had just read was correct. The war veterans from the first gulf war are almost all on medical disabilty today. Yes, that is correct. Almost every single last damn one of our veterans are sick and on disability. WTF? YOP, Bob
[Inhaling Depleted Uranium dust for months on end will do that to you. - Jerky]
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MOPJ, While perusing a link of a link in one of your stories, I ran across this historical document. Isn't it ironic that while going into that infamous first election, Cheney was a bad word at Halliburton, he and his moronic war turned out to be their savior. As you are fond of saying, "What a coinkidink!" Brummbaer
[You didn't expect Cheney not to do everything in his power to clean up after the mess he made out of Halliburton, did you? He's a man of honor! Personally, yer old pal Jerky can't wait to see how he cleans up this new mess he's made. - Jerky]
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Hey now! Just cuz you fellaz know jerk shit about the World Cup don’t mean we’ll let you off the hook by ignoring the fact that… the US failed to bomb Ghana in the World Cup. Yes (hee hee hee) a ‘third rate’ African team beat the mighty ‘third Reich’. Hoo Hoo Hoo… and when faced with the fact, it was a typical jerked up reaction… "Bah! They look nothing alike. And nobody here gives a shit about soccer anyway." Deal with it, at least the US was involved in a WORLD CUP (read: a tournament where nations from all continents are represented, that’s why it’s called…the WORLD Cup). Does anyone smell where I’m getting at? Yeah… question: why is American Football or some sport that involves picking up a ball and mugging the opposition called the WORLD series when it doesn’t include countries like Ghana? Hee hee, Jerky, ignorance is no defense, just cuz no one gives a rats arse! U came across as if you know exactly what you are talking about, but well, now you're weeping shades of chosen indigo, like you’ve got lemon juice up in your eye... or shit hole for emphasis! But the Dirt rocks, especially in this third world parts of Kampala... in Uganda... and don’t you start about Idd Amin! OPP
[See, you're making a common mistake! You're assuming that Americans give a damn about the rest of the world. And when you're "assuming", you make an "ass" out of "you" and "Ming the Merciless". - Jerky]
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Jerky; Have the Republicans realized that they’ll face a big problem with putting those Ten Commandments up in courthouses and schools where there are large Catholic populations? They do realize that Catholics and Lutherans count ‘em differently from Protestants, yes? Protestants parse the first commandment into two, Catholics and Lutherans parse the last commandment into two. So the government will undoubtedly want to say that you’ll have no other gods before me AND you’ll not worship false idols (not even Kelly Clarkson), and then at the end, you shan’t covet anything of your neighbors. Whereas Catholics and Lutherans will demand that you lump all the one God stuff together at the beginning, and at the end you shan’t covet a man’s stuff AND you shan’t covet his wife. Jews count fifteen of them, but jews don’t count. Also, regarding the Congressman’s flimsy recital of only three of them, he gets one wrong – he says “don’t lie”. I believe it’s don’t bear false witness against a neighbor. Two very different things. And you’d think GOP politicians would be keenly aware of the distinction, given how much more latitude the correct interpretation gives them to continue doing what they do best. - ACD
[Jesus doesn't like it when you think so much. - Jerky]
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From Jerky : That's more like it! -P
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From Beudreaux : I am so used to reading a superior quality of work from the Dirt that when it is even above 'superior' I don't bat an eyelash. Todays Dirt was above quality and rates just that ....SUPERIOR!
Good job Mr. Jerky.....
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From Sindy : I love you AND your Dirt!
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From jimeby : I'm here, Jerky. This was the best dirt that I've read all day. I was really hoping to read legit bio's on the Miami 7 but I'll find 'em sooner or later.
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From Six : It was on the margin- could've gone either way. Bad enough I guess, but if the English were broken it would've been worse. Oh yeah and PRAISE JERKY!
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From Jerky : Where is everybody? I need PRAISE goddamnit!
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From Beudreaux : Todays worst joke was .... well.... kinda scary.
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From FireFox : How about that worst joke, Six?
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