|
|
A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE
|
Amazing to think how JEHOVA created the whole shebang out of absolutely nothing less than 6000 years ago, isn't it? Oh, and if you're wondering where Oprah Winfrey's ego falls in this chart, it falls somewhere between Rigel and Arcturus. Sorry we didn't have room to include it! - YOPJ
|
Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
|
|
|
JOKES!
|
Today's first joke was sent in by Nan or Ben!
Two Cajun commercial fishermen, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux went out in the Gulf of Mexico fishing. They were gone a couple of months.
On their return, they noticed a Taco Bell had been built while they were away.
Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, "Look at dat, we not gone no time and dem Mexicans done come over here and built a telephone company!"
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Jim K for sending in today's second joke.
Three senior ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Yesterday, I caught myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator. I couldn't remember whether I needed to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in. "Yes, sometimes I find myself looking at the stairs, and I can't remember if I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood!"
As she rapped her knuckles on the table, she said: "That must be the door. I'll get it!"
|
|
WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
|
Today's groaner was sent in by YOPDMZ...
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car.
They said heavens no, they had bought it.
He said, then why don't you drive it away.
They said we can't drive.
He said, then why did you buy it?
They answered, we were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting.
|
|
THEY SAID IT!
|
"He was getting real teary-eyed, and the judge was up there pumping on that pump. It was sickening."
- I have no idea why the media has decided to take this story of a conservative Oklahoma judge jerking himself off with a penis pump while listening to a grandfather's testimony about his murdered grandchild and play it up for laughs.
|
|
ON THIS DAY
|
June 28
On this day in the year 1914, Austria's Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife, Sophia, are gunned down by a Serbian nationalist lunatic in the middle of a busy street in Sarajevo, thereby starting a little scrap the old-timers used to call World War One.
On this day in 1975, at the Western Open, golfer Lee Trevino is hit by a bolt of lightning. I don't have a joke to go with this factoid, I just enjoy thinking about golfers getting hit by lightning. PEE-OW! Man, that must sting!
On this day in 1820, brave colonel Robert Gibbon Johnson disproved the myth that tomatoes are poisonous by eating a crate of them on the courthouse steps in Salem, New Jersey. Today, the typical American consumes about 80 pounds of tomatoes per year (true fact!) most of it in "sauce" or "salsa" form.
|
|
READER'S SOAPBOX!
|
Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: EIGHT AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
care of: D.A.
These really do work!
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of Boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost Instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting Someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by simply Using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a Few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a Timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from Rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be Afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget About the toothache.
8. You Only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use The WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Hope these are useful to you!
- D.A.
|
FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
|
MOPJ, I got a favor to ask of you. MOP Eric Blumrich of BushFlash.com just posted that he was unemployed, in debt to the IRS, and closing his website! And that really sucks. I don't know how much it will help him (but it couldn't hurt) - so would you please ask your readers to consider sending him some flash animation work, to visit his website and to click on a few of his google advertising links. Eric is one of the good guys and he deserves so much better than this. Please support him and post this message. Thanks! Sincerely, YOPT
[Eric is one of the good guys, and so are you for pointing this out. Cheers! - Jerky]
*** **** ***
JLB kiddie riddle for you: "YYUR YYUB YYUR YY4ME?" By the way, I cover my VIN# with PUSSYMONSTER! yop DruidAthiest
[The riddle's got me stumped, but Pussymonster says thanks! - Jerky]
*** **** ***
To Hammerhead: Things like Helmets and Seatbelts aren’t just for your own protection. People thrown out of their seats in an accident can cause further accidents. With the force they are thrown it isn’t unknown for them to come through a windscreen with enough momentum to kill someone they hit. If for one minute I though you coming off a motorbike and scraping half your head into a smear on the tarmac so that the mess left of your body looked like something from a horror movie wouldn’t traumatise any witnesses, then I’d let you go ahead and do it. Thankfully I am glad to say we don’t live in a world where human beings are so devoid of empathy they would have no psychological scarring, so use your damned safety equipment and stop whining. Lev Sharp
[Thanks for the gruesome image. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
mopj, I am so ashamed of the letter I wrote the other day ... as I have to admit as much I cant stand Ann Coulter's rhetoric and moronocity, I would really love to see her mouth stuffed and being dildoed or something at the same time ... it shames me to admit that if I could shut her up ... she would be so hot and sexxxy!!!! y o p mitch
[To each his own. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Hey Jerky; I don't know if this is scientific, but it is logical. Brummbaer
[Cute! What song is being sampled, there? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? - Jerky]
*** **** ***
MOPJ, What Beaver is referring to is your statement "(don't ask me what he's governor of)" from the On this day (June 25th) about Gov. Winthrop introducing the fork. - cplmrk
[Ah! I see. Thanks to you, AND the Beav! - Jerky]
*** **** ***
hey mang, how come I'm starting to get new editions of the dirt at an address I usually don't even bother to check? does this mean that tptb are easing up or that they are trying to get a handle on some of the malcontents in the neighborhood? do I need to quit feeding the dogs so
they get hungry and load up the weapons, maybe raise the terror alert to brilliant orange, or maybe head for the caves of the hills back home? Sunbored
[I can't really say for sure, Sunny, but I'm glad you're back on board! - Jerky]
|
|
From Dar : What is really funny is the related story in the little box that says.. "Oklahoma Wants Accused Judge Yanked"
YEOW! LOL! Hasn't he been doing enough of that?!?!
|
From YOP Pete UK : Jerky, that Bra sample is rather funky, isn't it? I've just left it running in the background while getting on with life. Everything I do just seems to be just darned funky.
|
From little rascal : I should begin with the forwarded email I just got from friend refer to your topic about thai king on Nov 2002. And I wonder if it is possible for you to put the page back as lots of people overhere have missed it including the government and the police. If you really believe in speaking freely so why you don't stand your ground. I guess that you might be frightened by those curses. Solving problem by violence is not thai's nature so nothing to worry about.
|
From Hevinio : if oprahs ego is so big they should call Uranus Heranus
|
From Dominic : Sindy? What are you wearing?
|
From Brummbaer : The judge story was played for laughs because it is (1) Oklahoma, (2) Fox News, and (3) because some people can't handle gross truths and so laugh at them as a defense mechanism. Sorta like I do everytime Bush opens his mouth.
|
From donaldo : I remember way, way back in 1939 seeing DruidAthiest's kiddie riddle in my sister's autograph book ... but then it was YYUR YYUB ICUR 2YY4ME. (Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are, too wise for me). YUCH !!
|
From Peter Wille : Dear Jerry why do you spell your name with a "K" ? follow politics much? Can you try wrutung about religion instead.
|
From FireFox : you ever notice how the freepers are always too pussy-whipped to leave a name?
Jerky, ya know I loves ya, but it was a bit thin today....it's Friday, you are forgiven.
I think it's time for a refresher on the pussymonster. X P
|
From Anonymous : Here's my 1st amendment right...you're a worthless piece of monkey crap.
|
From MuddleHeadednosuchperson : I enjoy flushing all my Risperdal down the toilet a bottle at a time so it can go back in my psychiatrists drinking water. So I can see how he likes it. I also email him the dailydirt, daily.
|
From Six : No, I remember the Pussymonster, but I never figured out what type of genitals she was packing, I mean, assuming the twizz was her mouth.
|
From Sindy : Another great Dirt Jerky! Those perspective images up there are cool. And I don't remember Pussymonster either, unless it's that nasty Castro thing with a cigar.
|
From Jerky : Six, you don't remember Pussymonster? She's all woman, dude.
|
From Six : Is the Pussymonster male or female? I'd guess female, but you never know- I've known a lot of males who were c u n t s.
|
|
|
