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ALL NEWS IS OLD NEWS
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MINUTIA AND INCONSEQUENTIA
South African scientists are blaming that region's sudden drop in the vulture population on superstitious locals killing and eating the birds in the belief that doing so will help them pick winning lottery numbers. Yer old pal Jerky, however, has an alternate theory. I suspect these homely raptors are all headed to the Middle East, where a carrion feast the likes of which the world hasn't seen in decades awaits. And it's only just getting started.
…and speaking of vultures, yer old pal Jerky was surprised to see George Herbert "Poppy" Walker Bush and his consigliere, James A. Baker III, in attendance at Kenny-boy Lay's absolutely surreal funeral last week. But the reptilian presence of these silverback co-conspirators -- a brazen display of political untouchability in its own right -- was neither as distasteful nor as jarring as pastor William Lawson's decision to compare Lay to the likes of Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus Christ. "Ken Lay was neither black nor poor as James Byrd was," Lawson said at one point, referencing the infamous truck-dragging incident from a few years past. "But I'm angry because he was the victim of a lynching." Which is kind of ironic, seeing as yer old pal Jerky is angry that Ken Lay wasn't the victim of a lynching.
...and speaking of carrion, international observers at Action Aid claim that the G8 nations' failure to deliver on debt-relief promises made after last year's Live 8 "poverty awareness" concert will likely lead to the deaths of millions in those afflicted nations. Oh well. At least those missing vultures will have something to eat when they return from their Middle East Feast.
…and speaking of corpses related to Enron, here's another one for the growing pile: Neil Coulbeck, a British banker who was questioned by US authorities and threatened with extradition in connection with the Enron's globe-spanning scams. Coulbeck was found dead in a park -- his throat allegedly slashed by his own hand -- a few days after his wife reported him as missing. We here at the Daily Dirt sincerely hope that Coulbeck is up in heaven right now, kickin' back with Ken Lay and Cliff Baxter, not to mention the myriad other non-Enron-related loose ends that Bush Crime Family agents have been tying up for decades, now.
The same goes for this guy, too. And his autistic kid, too.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Geoff!
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Nan or Ben for sending in today's second joke.
A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.
After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
To which the doctor replies "I know... I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Pinkloo...
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that Broke Back Mountain gay shit in our garden." she said.
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THEY SAID IT!
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"There is obviously going to have to be some trust and faith in the elections official, or in this case, it's me."
- Then Monterey County, CA Registrar of Voters, Tony Anchundo on the Peter B. Collins radio show, 10/24/05.
*** **** ***
"Anchundo to face 43 criminal charges. DA: Ex-registrar spent $70,000 on personal purchases."
- Headline of the Salinas Californian, 7/6/06.
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ON THIS DAY
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July 14
On this day in 1798, the Alien and Sedition Acts are signed into law by President John Adams, a member of the Federalist Party. Under this new set of laws, anyone "opposing or resisting any law of the United States, or any act of the President of the United States" could be thrown in jail. It was also illegal to "write, print, utter, or publish" anything critical of the President or Congress. Fortunately, Thomas Jefferson's Democratic-Republican Party promised to retract this law if elected, which they were in 1801, thus making the Daily Dirt possible. Thanks, Tommy!
On this day in 1958, the monarchy of Iraq falls to a coup led by Abdul Karim Kassem, who becomes the nation's new leader. Not for long, however, as pretty soon another secular Arabist group -- the Ba'ath Party -- comes along and fucks up his shit.
On this day in 1965, Mariner 4 takes the first close-up photographs of another planet: Mars. Personally, yer old pal Jerky has always been more interested in URANUS!!!
July 15
On this day in 1381, John Ball, a leader in the Peasants' Revolt, is hanged, drawn and quartered in the presence of King Richard II of England. PWNED!!!
On this day in 1799, French military captain Pierre-Francois Bouchard discovers the Rosetta Stone in an Egyptian village. The large stone tablet is essentially a Greek/Egyption translation dictionary using three scripts: Hieroglyphic, Demotic Egyptian and Greek. Greek being relatively well understood, the stone was the key to deciphering ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs, including such rules of grammar as "feather before squiggly line, except after bird."
On this day in 1974, Ohio morning news personality Christine Chubbuck goes on the air and says: "In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts, and in living color, you are going to see another first: an attempted suicide." She then pulled a .38 revolver out from underneath her desk, put it to her head and pulled the trigger, thus becoming the first person to commit live, publically broadcast suicide.
July 16
On this day in 622, the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) begins his Hijra -- i.e. "schlep" -- from Mecca to Medina, thus marking the beginning of the Islamic calendar.
On this day in 1945, the Atomic Age begins when the United States successfully detonates a plutonium-based test nuclear weapon near Alamogordo, New Mexico. The test site was named Trinity, after one of John Donne's Holy Sonnets, and Manhattan Project chief Robert Oppenheimer recalled a passage from the Hindu holy book, the Bhagavad-Gita: "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." Heavy shit, and not without cause.
On this day in 1994, fragments of the Shoemaker-Levy 9 comet smash spectacularly into Jupiter, poking huge holes in the giant planet's gassy atmosphere.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: FLOORING AND CARPETING - WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
care of: kjbi
As a licensed flooring professional I offer this in hopes of alleviating some future carpet installers nightmare.Or some homeowner's future nightmare. Whatever. Most of these suggestions are not hyperbole. They really happened at one time or another. I have heard other's stories are even more colorful than my own. If there are any installers out there reading your column, they will know EXACTLY what I mean. Ok... maybe a little hyperbole.
1. Having made a decision to invest in new carpet and having the old carpet ripped up and hauled away by the installers does not necessarily mean you can have a party on it the weekend before installation where some of the guests wanted to play hug-the-bowl, but missed the room with the bowl entirely and expect a happy reception from your installers.
2. FREE PADDING! FREE INSTALLATION! FREE FLOOR PREP! advertised by the company you purchased the carpet from does not mean it was free. There is nothing free in this world. Someone has to pay for it or produce the energy to have it accomplished. Can't afford it otherwise? Neither can the installers afford spending much TIME on your installation. TIME = MONEY.
3. If your installers arrive a bit late, appear disheveled and hung-over and you notice several bottles of Budweiser fall out of their van with your carpeting, it might be better to call the company to request another installer come by at a later date... it will only go downhill from there.
4. If "Snookoms" decides to make a fast break for it, runs out the door while your installers are working and gets creamed by a semi, don't yell at the installers. You're an idiot and your pet is better off. Conversely, if you have a German Sheppard or some exotic animal, have the decency to remove them to a place where the installers will not be working and TELL the installers. It is very difficult to work when a Boa Constrictor is wrapped around your neck.
5. If great-grandma Fitzgerald gave you that tiffany lamp that is worth $50,000 and you have it proudly on display in your great room, get the damn thing out of there and put it away safely. Fucking moron.
6. If you have a shapely teenage daughter who likes prancing around with hardly anything on, you might suggest she temporarily adapt modest attire. Otherwise you might get a superior installation job, but it might take weeks to install.
7. Conversely, if you or your daughters are overweight pigs, don't try to hit on the installers. You WILL get the job done quicker, but you might be tripping over the seams.
8. Prior to installation it is proper to remove your week old underwear from underneath your bed, any porn mags that happen to have appeared magically in your son's room or husbands den. Don't expect the installers to be excited to pick up all little Johnny or Suzie's toys and bring them downstairs so they can play with them.
9. Especially in the winter, if the installers ask you to turn the heat up - turn the heat up, sit down, shut up and don't sneak back and turn it down after a few minutes to save a few dollars. If you do, you can count on having a new game to play with your family and friends come July 4th: Leap Frog-on your carpeting.
10. If your local S.W.A.T. force comes looking for one of your installers it might be an omen to make sure you know where your wallet/purse is located at all times.
11. If one of the installers that seems to be the "boss" drops off your carpeting with one or two of his deer-in-the-headlights looking helpers, and then leaves, it might be time to call the company to come over, just to make sure.
12. Installers typically don't think it's cute that your 5 year old is asking them so many inquisitive questions concerning what they are doing, what that tool is, or whether they have a Playstation game set - 3 feet from the installer.
13. If it is approaching supper-time and the installers wish to leave, don't whine that you have to work the next day so it needs to be done that night. Unless you made prior arrangements with the company-that's your tuff luck. Make arrangements for another install date or call your boss. Installers have a home - and they most likely have to work the next day too. Try calling a plumber to come out at 5 pm and see what they charge.
14. Don't bitch that just because you're a Ph.D and you think the installation you paid is more than you get paid, you are getting ripped off. The COMPANY you bought the carpet from makes a profit, and the installation company makes a profit. Then the installers (plural) have to live on what's left - with expenses incurred from installing your carpet. Better take that Ph.D back - it didn't do any good.
15. One of the easiest ways to understand how economic things work in the real world is this: If you get the cheapest price out there - get ready for an adventure. Guaranteed. Something has to give unless you have the luck of the Irish. Usually the standard idiom is: "FAST, GOOD or CHEAP; pick two." In other words, if you want the job done FAST because your Mom and Dad are visiting, then you will ONLY get to pick a GOOD quality of product/installation/service or CHEAP (pricing).
If you are a Ph.D, and have done your homework, located the CHEAPEST PLACE IN TOWN, you can demand good service until you're blue, you won't get it. When your new carpeting begins to come off the floor, or the seams split so wide open your son can drive his toy cars through - you can call the cops to see what their suggestions are.
Getting new carpeting can be fun and exciting! Don't spoil it by being a cheap tightwad or a blarring idiot that thinks everyone that swings a hammer for a living is a step above a G.E.D.
Admittedly, though some installers are a few steps below "scary", most installers are just trying to get the job done and go home and relax. Just like you.
Peace.
kjbi
[Thanks. I'll stick to hardwood floors and area rugs from now on. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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DOPJ, Thanks for Jack Frost's excellent recap of the 9-1-1 Truth Symposium. As a 'retired' Grassy-Knoller, I attended and sometimes spoke at such events in the late 80's and early 90's. Sadly, it sounds like the 9-1-1 Truth Movement, like the JFK Conspiracy Community, is fast becoming an ego-orgy instead of a genuine citizen's investigation. Jack's thoughts on future forums should be taken very seriously by the 9-1-1 community if they wish to have any hope of attaining and sustaining a degree of genuine credibility. I would suggest that the key 9-1-1 players seek out colleges or small universities as hosts for future forums. In my JFK experience, small events at small colleges often attached far more mainstream media attention than large self-sponsored gatherings. Unlike the JFK case which was limited to the Zapruder Film, some fuzzy snapshots and eventually the autopsy pictures - 9-1-1 offers a plethora of solid photographic, audio and eyewitness evidence that the truth is not what we have been told. This evidence must be treated with respect and presented in a way that serves no agenda except the truth. M. Crouch
[Agreed, from top to bottom. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Dear Jerky, You lied to me! You told me you'd change the Uglitron and you didn't. Don't tell me you can't find anymore ugly women... -- Tired of jerking off to the ugly women in my own family (saved you the trouble!)
[Okay, dude. Jeez! - Jerky]
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MOP, Jerky, Points to CT for his excellent list: TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN. Right on. YOP, Kenny "B"
[Yes, it was good stuff. - Jerky]
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Mr LeBoeuf, I saw Monkey Boy with the Chancellor of Germany - a woman. She had that look on her face appropriate for a grown-up talking to an idiot. He did not disappoint her. Aram
[That meeting was also the setting for another classic Dubya moment, when he told a reporter inquiring about the Israel/Lebanon hostilities: "I thought you were gonna ask me about the pig!" - Jerky]
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Hiya Jerky, Liked your response to Aram in the "9-11 Truth Symposium" edition of the DD, although I like most of your responses to these kind of things, funny
without being over nasty. Anyhue, here’s a rebuttal if you’d care to use it:
Dear Aram, Here’s one you left out: The Ichneumon wasp mother injects her venom into a caterpillar that paralyses it. Like curare this venom doesn’t knock the caterpillar out, it just means it can’t move, but iIt can feel. The wasp then lays its eggs inside the caterpillar which later hatch out and begin to eat the caterpillar alive. Now tell me what kind of God is he exactly? Cineman
[It's the circle of nasty! - Jerky]
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Jerky; My very good (although, right-wing) friend sent me a standard 'support the troops' type of email. It was a group mailing with many of his other friends included in the mailing: I responded with a 'Reply to All'. My response was fairly moderate with the major points being (1) 'Support Our Troops' is simply propaganda for "Support Our War" and (2) pointing out that, when all is said & done, ALL military personal are responsible for war. Some, OK, quite a few, people responded negatively. My friend is mad and feels that I was wrong. I say that including my name in a group mailing entitled me to respond to the entire group: what is the proper etiquette in this situation? Keep up the great work. SDW
[You were at least as entitled to respond to everyone as the original sender was entitled to e-mail everyone in the first place. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Jerky; I just read your article on that Mayor of Bogota, NJ. It kind of reminded me of a fellow county member of mine who is also a member of that "elite brain" family called GOP and who was running for a position with the County's Board of Education. Our county is composed of about 75% Hispanic population. So, what does this intellectual GOPer do? He has an interview with a local newspaper and says, "Hispanics come to this country to bring their welfare ridden problems, their erosive personalities and divisive ways", and on and on he went putting down all Hispanics. I suppose you know what his election chances are. ZERO, NIL, NONE, NADA!!! To think these people want to run our country makes my blood boil. How stupid can they be? PS: As of this writing, he has repeatedly refused to give any public apology or give any other interviews. In fact, he has gone into a self imposed exile. No one has seen him in quite a while. MTR640
[Keep us posted. - Jerky]
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From Beudreaux : Wow....guess I'm the only guy in here that wants to touch it.
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From Jerky : I didn't get the Hammer pic! Send it again!
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From FireFox : SofaKing, you're 2 legit, 2 legit to quit P
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From SofaKing : Sindy... I made up my own picture of Fry as MC Hammer and emailed it to Jerky. Maybe he'll share...
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From Sindy : Isn't everything touchable? )
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From Beudreaux : Is it touchable Sindy?
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From Sindy : Can't touch this!
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From SofaKing : Thanks, Sindy! I new the guy reminded me of someone and you nailed it on the head.
Hamma-time!
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From Sindy : Creepy Bastard #1 looks like MC Hammer. Thanks for another great Dirt today, Jerky!
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From FireFox : Uglitron---not even at closing time.
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From markcopac : Uglitron----makeup needs work---BUT WHAT A RACK, DAMN!!!!
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From sandrat : The Uglitron woman is not ugly.
Jerky must do better.
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From SofaKing : Sounds like the carpet installer needs a change of profession. Dude, everyone has issues when dealing with the general public. PHd or not, most people have no common sense and will NEVER adhere to the basic rule of 'treating others the way you want to be treated'. You should probably stick to the warehouse and stay away from people. That's what I try to do, anyway...
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From wri : 15 tips on carpet installing. Jerkey a little editing please.
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From Beudreaux : I've got a theory. I think Jerky puts those Uglitron women up there KNOWING they ain't really ugly. I think Jerky is just trying to tease us with these delicious ladies.
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From To Anonymous : It's not just you! I'd do 'er!
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From Anonymous : The Uglitron women just keep gettin' bewdifuller and bewdifuller ... or is it me?
Kerusty
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