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SEND LAWYERS GUNS AND MONEY
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THE LAST CHANCE DANCE
To understand the driving force behind the right-wing disdain for trial lawyers, one need only understand that, at this point, the possibility of civil litigation is the last remaining obstacle to the Conservative Movement's goal of taking over every authority-vested institution in American society.
The White House is theirs, and with it all the awesome power of the executive branch, more popularly referred to as "the administration", which encompasses all the various regulatory departments and enforcement agencies that make up the federal government, not to mention the military. They control the legislature, with majorities in both the House of Representatives and the Senate, giving them complete control over the nation's legislative agenda. They are also in the process of dismantling and reassembling the judiciary branch in their own image, stacking lower courts with conservative activist judges in a project already more than halfway completed vis-ŕ-vis the Supreme Court.
Above and beyond this tripartite domination of government, the Conservative Movement also holds considerable sway over the Fourth Estate. They maintain an incestuous network of activist media outlets releasing a ceaseless torrent of synchronized propaganda, and their so-called media watchdog groups have successfully intimidated the mythological "liberal biased media" into a timid, acquiescent silence.
However, despite all that, there remains the possibility that, at some point, barring any deep, structural changes in the mechanics of American jurisprudence, they might be forced to defend their actions and articulate their loopy beliefs before a jury of their peers, at which point their movement's powerful, cumulative momentum could very well crumble against skeptical common sense. This infuriates them, making the blood boil in their absolutist, revolutionary veins.
It is disturbingly indicative of the Conservative Movement's success that America now finds itself at this final failsafe point, with all other checks and balances having already failed miserably, due to incompetence and/or sabotage from within. And so, on many fronts, involving some of the most vital issues of our day -- with all other venues being hamstrung or corrupted -- it has come to this...
For obvious reasons, The Powers That Be have no interest in investigating election fraud. The sham U.S. Election Assistance Commission established in the wake of 2000's Florida debacle only served to heighten confusion and apprehension over the legitimacy of America's elections. And so it is left to Robert Kennedy Jr. to launch a lawsuit against the perpetrators of 2004's most heinous and heavy-handed election theft, in Ohio.
With a radically partisanized Justice Department treating the outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame as a trifling spat rather than a nefarious and wanton breach of national security, Plame and her husband, ambassador Joe Wilson, have been forced to initiate a civil action against Creepy Veepy Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Scooter Libby for violations of their Constitutional and other legal rights. Disclosure in this case, should it not be dismissed by one of those aforementioned activist judges, should be a real eye-opener.
There are more examples. For instance, there is Dima Tahboub, who is suing the White House over her journalist husband's death when the US purposefully and illegally bombed the Al-Jazeera station in Baghdad. There are a number of democracy activists and organizations suing to block the use of hackable electronic voting machines in upcoming elections. The Native American tribes that Republican super-lobbyist Jack Abramoff and his 'lil buddy Ralph Reed ripped off are filing court cases, as are the thousands of Ground Zero workers who are now sick and dying because Dubya's EPA lied, declaring the air quality at the site was "safe" after a scant six days.
And how is the Conservative Movement reacting to these developments? Why, they're disolving into hysterical paroxysms of blithering, inchoate rage, of course, with a perfect example being Washington-area crypto-conservative Wes Vernon's meditation on the merits of the Wilson/Plame lawsuit:
Like the clown-faced jesters that dance out onto the front of the stage during a classic Shakespeare performance, as if to say, "Don't forget us! We're here!", an unemployed ambassador and his wife filed suit Thursday against Vice President Cheney, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, and unnamed others, blaming them for the fact that the clown-faced jesters are all washed up.
It certainly is difficult to argue with that kind of elegantly reasoned, rock-solid logic, isn't it? As these last-chance lawsuits continue to pile up, expect more of the same. A lot more.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Brummbaer!
Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg had all been close friends since childhood so they decided to go into business together.
Schwartz says "OK, I'll put in a million."
Cohen says he'll put in 2 million.
Ginsburg says "I'll put in 100 grand."
Cohen says "If I'm putting in 2 million, I'll be President. Schwartz, for your million you can be Vice President. And Ginsburg, for your 100K you will be our Sexual Adviser."
Ginsburg says, "What's a Sexual Adviser?"
Cohen replies, "If we want your fuckin' advice, we'll ask for it."
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Thanks to our old pal Nan or Ben for sending in today's second joke.
The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish. But I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Paraloons...
Q: What`s the sharpest thing in the world?
A: A Fart, passes through your britches leaving no hole!
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THEY SAID IT!
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"I made a mistake. I should have planned ahead for a ride. For years, I've advocated the responsible use of our company's products."
- Score one for irony! Shitty beer baron and right-wing sugar-daddy Peter Coors has had his driver's license revoked after being arrested for, you guessed it, drunk driving.
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"The ice sheet seemed such a stolid reservoir of cold that many experts had been confident of its taking centuries for higher temperatures to work their way thousands of feet down to the base of the ice cap and undermine its stability. By and large, computer models supported that view, predicting that as winter temperatures rose more snow would fall across the dome of the ice cap. Thus, by the seasonal bookkeeping of the ice sheet, Greenland would neatly balance its losses through new snow. Then the ice sheet began to confound computer-generated predictions."
- So, are these variations from the computer model predictions for better, or for worse? Go ahead... take a wild stab at it!
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ON THIS DAY
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July 18
On this day in the year 64 AD, Emperor Nero gently strums his lyre and sings a tune while watching the city of Rome go up in smoke. Of course, this historical example of a disastrous failure of leadership has absolutely no parallels with Preznit Dubya's reaction to the Katrina disaster, because… um… because fire is, like, the total opposite of water. A-and Rome didn't have any Black people in it. Or at least not as much as New Orleans does. I mean did.
On this day in 1872, Britain introduces voting by secret ballot. Up until then, Brits had been using a complicated system that involved shaving candidates' names into stray dogs, then hurling the mutts into the Thames, where they were scooped up by raft-going hooligans who would call out the results while Freemasons in full apron'd regalia wandered the docksides recorded the tally. The hooligans would then kill, gut, cook and then eat the dogs, saving the penis for the Queen, of course.
On this day in 1925, soon-to-be-dictator Adolf Hitler publishes his personal manifesto, Mein Kampf. It sucks.
Happy Chappaquiddick Day! It was on this day in 1969 that Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) gave the conservative movement a gift that keeps on giving when he flipped an Oldsmobile off a wooden bridge, then swam ashore and spent the night in a hotel, leaving his passenger -- campaign volunteer and Kennedy family friend Mary Jo Kopechne -- to drown.
On this day in 2003, NBA star Kobe Bryant is charged with anally raping a 19-year old hotel employee, thus putting into motion a series of events that would ultimately lead to the revitalization of several small Central African nations' diamond industries.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: SPIDERS AND DRUGS
care of: Anon.
Damn, Jerks.
Spiders. I visited a friend while in the Third World and I used his facilities. The outhouse was not so well equipped as what you're used to in the Bayou, Jerky. Two bricks on either side of the hole. Rest your heels on 'em and squat. Pretty vulnerable position.
To make things interesting, the outhouse was infested with Black Widows. Look up above your head and you're staring at the red-orange hourglasses on their abdomens just above your nose.
Getting the shit scared out of you - better than any laxative...
And as for Aram's take on God:
In the the '70's army I had an epiphany via chocolate mescaline. It didn't take hold right away and I was impatient to get high. Once I was, I couldn't wait to come down. Time stood still; an instant expanded to forever.
Time. Imagine a nanosecond in your computer stretched out to eternity. And imagine those instants strung together for 15 billion years, with the changes from one instant to the next imperceptible. But pull them apart, look at one instant divorced from another by 10 million years (especially on this dust speck circling a minor star on the outskirts of an unimportant galaxy) and changes are very apparent. Separate those instances by 100 million years and planetary domination passing from dinosaur to mammal is inevitable.
Was the chance change leading to our current existence an improvement? If we succeed in destroying the environment that supported us, can the life forms that thrive in our wake be considered an improvement?
Aram got misty-eyed over predators. What about the 10:1 prey to predator ratio required to support the current equilibrium, evinced even in the fossil record for dinosaurs? What, Bambi doesn't rate since God can't be judged by the light dimming in his eyes as the cheetah chokes the life out of him?
Yeah, I do propose nice arguments, but I only want to stress that God exists outside our current existential timeframe. If God does exist within it, however, he presents us with the challenge to oppose the current Republican regime.
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it,
Anonymous
PS: Hey, I admit to drug use and you expect me to volunteer my name?
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Jerky; Thanks to all for the help on the cop post. We had a local cop once who had a hook for one hand... because he blew it off making a home-made bomb. I once watched him beat the snot out of someone in high school with it... in the lobby of the schoool. Needless to say I wasn't comforted when I learned that he had become a cop. I'm sure that there was a time when people went into police work with the altruistic attitude of actually doing some good and keeping the peace... but times change. No doubt that there are still good people serving as police but way too many are wearing a badge to compensate for other inadequecies. I've not had a run-in in a long long time, but when I see a cop with the mirror sunglasses, stubble on his head, wearing leather wristbands, and obviously 'roided muscles I get verrrry nervous. There should be very rigid psych evaluations before anyone at any level is allowed to wear a badge imhop, with re-evaluations every year because we all know how stressfull the job is. And to all the cops out there... firemen put their life on the line every time they get a call too so don't come whining to me about "ya never know what you'll face". You applied for the job and there ain't no chains around your feet. All praise to the king of Thailand, Rick
[My lifetime experience with peace officers has run a relatively positive gamut between endurable to excellent, so I count myself lucky. - Jerky]
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Jerky, Regarding your comment about my comment two Dirts ago: No, it may be the opposite of how I thought things were going, but in the end, there will be trained and battle-hardened soldiers in hate groups and law enforcement, etc., with ill intent, that's the point. Whether they joined a hate group, then the military or vice versa is irrelevant. G.
[True enough. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; The headbutts graphics are why Dirtfiles gets its nomination for the Pulitzer Prize. Bob Gold
[Really? I thought that was the very definition of filler material! - Jerky]
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Jerky; Why do you refer to the Holy Bible as a silly and even more confusing to me deadly book? I am most interested in your beliefs and why you would blaspheme the Word of Almighty God? Regards, G.R.E.
[I think the good folks over at EvilBible.com might have a thing or two to teach you about your precious Bible and your imaginary "Almighty God". - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; Forget politics for a second. Here's what Lloyd's of London think about climate change. These guys want to know for a more important reason. Danny
[Aw, c'mon! You know as well as I do that the insurance industry is a veritable hotbed of whiny cry-baby tree-hugging liberal pinko commie panic-mongers! - Jerky]
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Dear Jerky; I heard an interesting term yesterday. The History Channel called the Vatican of "old" a pornocracy. They defined pornocracy as a government run by harlots, or the highest bidder. No mention of any modern-day "pornocracy" though. Realdead_man
[A thousand years gone, and nothing has changed. - Jerky]
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Jerky… Earlier Sindy posted a comment on the Dirtfiles that pointed out the fact that the Creepy Guy #1 looked like MC Hammer. I agreed and made this picture that you can share, if you like. Sorry my Photoshop skills suck… it could have been much better. YOP, SofaKing
[It's too late. He already hurt'em. - Jerky]
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From Jerky : Sindy, stop kidding around and send me those pics!
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From Sindy : Hi Six, I already sent one and he put it in the Uglitron!
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From Six : Sindy you should send Jerky some nude pics and Jerky you should post them.
Beudreaux- Kid Rock probably doesn't have to worry about it as he's probably already got it.
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From Sindy : Great editorial today, thanks Jerky! That's why I love you so much, one second I'm giggling, the next I'm about to cry. You're a great writer! I always love your answers in the First Amendment Zone, too! Peace & love to you!
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From Beudreaux : Cracks me up.... Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock getting married? Ole Pammy has Hep C. You don't get rid of that disease. Can you imagine having to use a rubber ON YOUR WIFE for the duration? Who would want some diseased old ho?
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From FireFox : What do you mean "when" it comes?
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From Perplexed : You know, I always wondered... why do some Americans think 'God' should bless America - to the exclusion of every other living being on this planet? I like the little Dr. Seuss 'Who' baby that said, "God bless us, every one." I mean, isn't that what it's really all supposed to be about - that we're all cut from the same cloth, if you will? I dunno, call me crazy, but it does seem like a simple truth. War wouldn't be such a cold reality if people weren't socialized to pick sides - then make
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From Bodhidharma : I agree with Upton Sinclair, and I would add that when fascism comes to America, they'll call it Americanism.
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From Perplexed : Just a head's up in the event you all don't already see it coming
"When facism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross." -Upton Sinclair
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From Comment Cop : Does that guy G.R.E. also believe in the tooth fairy?
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