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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Chaudhry!
A traveling salesman is in a small town in the Midwest, when his trip is suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was already getting bored there and over the course of the extra month he becomes very homesick.
Finally, he decides to give in to temptation and visit the local brothel.
He walks up to the madam and hands her a hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in town."
The madam says, "For this kind of money, you can have the best blowjob."
"No, no," says the man, "you don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
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Thanks to our old pal Javaid for sending in today's second joke.
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Nan or Ben...
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?!"
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THEY SAID IT!
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"What's next? Will George go to the United Nations, sit on Kofi Annan's head, and fart like some bratty brother tormenting a sibling? Will the cameras catch him playing penny hockey during Middle East peace negotiations? You can't say it'll never happen."
- William Rivers Pitt sings The Ballad of Dumb George
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"We know there was a corrupt regime in Saddam, but a regime should be removed by surgery, not by butchering. The U.S. occupation is butcher's work under the slogan of democracy and human rights and justice. Leave us to solve our problems. We don't need an agenda from outside."
- The speaker of the Iraqi Parliament, Sunni Islamist Mahmoud al-Mashhadani, lets it all hang out.
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ON THIS DAY
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July 21
On this day in 1865, the first-ever true-life old-timey "wild West showdown" takes place in Springfield, Missouri, when Wild Bill Hickok guns down Dave Tutt in the market square. Eight years later to the day, on this day in 1873, the James Younger Gang pulls off the first-ever true-life old-timey train robbery. Fuckin' Tupac and Biggie had nothing on those gansta honkies, I tell ya whut.
On this day in 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walk on the fucking MOON, goddamnit.
On this day in 1973, Mossad agents assassinate a waiter in Norway after mistaking him for one of the terrorists who took Israeli atheletes hostage during 1972's Munich Olympics. D'Oh!!!
On this day in 1984, our soon-to-be metalic overlords take the first tentative step in their plan to destroy the human race when a factory robot in Jackson, Michigan crushes a worker against a safety bar… history's first robot-related death!
July 22
This day is a bad day for bad guys. It was on this day in 1934 that John Dillinger was gunned down by FBI agents outside Chicago's Biograph Theatre. Also on this day, in 1991, serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was arrested after police found the remains of eleven men and boys in his Milwaukee apartment. And, finally, this day in 2003 was Uday and Qusay Hussein's last stand. Saddam's boys had held off the 101st Infantry and Special Forces for days, holed up in a fortified compound, before planes were called in to bomb the hell out of the place and give Preznit Dubya a necrophiliac photo-op and another chance to claim, ridiculously, that America had "turned a corner" in Iraq.
This day was also a bad day for a not so bad guy in 2005, when London police chased Jean Charles de Menezes into a subway car and gunned him down in cold blood after allegedly mistaking him for one of the London Bombers. D'Oh!!!
On this day in 2005, the last Buick LeSabre rolls off the assembly line. Over the last twenty years, yer old pal Jerky has owned two of these road-tanks, and loved them both.
July 23
On this day in 1973, occultist/philosopher Robert Anton Wilson either achieves contact with extraterrestrials from Sirius or starts a long-term period of having wild hallucinations, depending on which way you want to look at it.
On this day in 1982, actor Vic Morrow and two child actors are chopped to bits when a helicopter spins out of control on the set of the John Landis-directed segment of Twilight Zone: The Movie.
On this day in 1986, Prince Andrew, Duke of York marries Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson at Westminster Abbey, in London. They eventually divorce, but it could have been worse. At least Queen Elizabeth didn't have Fergie killed for shaming the Royal Family, like she did with Lady Di. Then again, maybe that's because Fergie was smart enough not to run around fucking Egyptian billionaires.
Speaking of Egypt, it was on this day in 2005 that 88 people were killed in a terrorist bombing at the Naama Bay tourist area of Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: MICKEY SPILLANE R.I.P.
care of: Tuscarora
Hi Jerky,
It was a long time ago... the early seventies. I was a young teen, in junior high school. One day, because I was bored, I went digging thru' my father's collection of old paperbacks. I could have selected any book that day, but the one I chose was, I, The Jury. Before I had finished reading the first page, I knew I was hooked...on Mike Hammer, and Mickey Spillane.
If you've never read Spillane... but, I think you have, he was an iconic author of what's known as pulp-fiction/dime store mysteries. I believe he also did considerable writing, for Marvel Comics. It was his violent, often sexually suggestive mysteries which took center stage. Criticised by hi-brow types, for writing garbage, Mickey replied, "but, it's good garbage."
He created Mike Hammer, the hard-boiled tough-guy private eye. By far the toughest P.I. in the pulp fiction world. Spillane was an absolute master, of the use of tough-guy cliche... and he used it constantly. Sure, he was no Ernest Hemingway, but he never aspired to be. He was, in his realm however, the very best. He could set a mood, like nobody else. The stories are often in dreary settings, and it tends to rain a lot. I find that I can actually feel the atmosphere he's creating, while I'm reading. The violence is intense, bone crushing, and the dialogue ranges from dark to hilarious.
People rarely lived happily ever after in Mickey's books, and Hammer always had blood on his hands. His books may have been short, and his stories, were sometimes predictable... but they were never dull. Each book was a trip into the dark corners of a rain drenched city... and I loved each and every one of them.
Well, Mickey Spillane has left this world... and as I pick up my dog-eared old copy of I, The Jury, what the hell... I've got a couple of hours to kill. I know I'll miss him.
- Tuscarora
p.s. I'm not sure what I was trying to say, here, but I felt that something had to be said. Thanks for letting me vent, even if I'm not as articulate as I'd like to be.
[That was a fine eulogy. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Dear Sir, You have contacted the wrong person in contacting me. I would never subscribe to a socialist "news" letter. I am 53 years old, and I have observed politics for many years. I have listened for too long the rantings of the socialist movement. Your propaganda is falling on deaf ears, and the people have caught on to your lies. You are right in saying the tide is turning, your time of power is drawing to an end. Real American values are going to return to this great nation and we will be great again. Socialism is a cancer that has already brought Europe to is knees, and threatens our very exsistence as a world power and soverin nation. I will fight it with my last breath. C.R.T.
[Man, are you ever confused. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerk; ”How much must America pay for the education of this man?” Conservative Nixon-Hugger, Pat Buchanan, hits the proverbial nail on the head. - SofaKing
[...as pigs fly into a frozen Hell. - Jerky]
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Jerky; Regarding that flooring guy who wrote in. Most people make the mistake of taking pride in how much work they can complete. The problem is that there is an infinite quantity of potential work, but it's only possible to do a finite amount. You have already set yourself up for certain failure according to your own arbitrary standard. The smart approach is in not taking pride in your work. Thus your goal is easily achieved, often before lunch time. Brummbaer
[Um... yeah. - Jerky]
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????? Why do you never mention the Committee of 300, the one's really trying to take over America and destroy our beloved Constitution? Glynn
[Send me some links and I'll check it out. - Jerky]
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Jerky, You might want to send this link along to our Marine friends. Dave
[That's a good 'un. - Jerky]
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Why, OPJ, is it that the Only Times I have been Proud to be an American the past 5 years have only come when the winner of the Tour dé France is declared? Way to Go, Floyd! Wally
[The tour de what now? - Jerky]
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DOPJ, Regarding Bob's email about the CIA operatives in the American media. Somewhere in my travels I remember a CIA Memo (written in the 60's - declassified in the 90's) which was issued in response to Mark Lane's Rush To Judgment, the first widely circulated book to criticize the Warren Report. In that memo, it advised station chief's to "use your media assets to rebut Lane's assertions." Sometimes, the hidden-hand of the Langley Gang is not so hidden. When the "media assets" could not come up with a plausible explanation for all the bullshit surrounding TWA-800 The Agency conjured up and released a computer animation that had more fantasy than Disney. One insider once told me the CIA often chose names for their front companies that incorporated the letter "X". Let's see, there's ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN oh yeah and FOX. mc
[Sho nuff. - Jerky]
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From Brummbaer : To Dirtyweasel. Correct 100%! Plagarism is the sincerest form of flatery.
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From FireFox : Even if she does send a pic, that greedy bastard Jerky will just bogart it to himself. (smiley goes here)
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From Beudreaux : Yeah Six..... then mebbe we can talk Nan into sending a pic. Between Sindy and Nan....well....who knows.
Double date?
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From Six : Yep, he sure did. Didn't we at one time we decide Nan was a hottie and she needed to dump Ben?
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From Dirtyweasel : Brummbaer. That was a dilbert cartoon.
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From Jolly Sapper : hehe.. funny comic...
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From Max the Joke Critic : For NAN OR BEN - BOOOOOO......booooo......booooo.....
Finally, Jerky got it right....hehehe
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From IrishDave : July 22nd/ Am I increasingly paranoid or is this a another "memory hole" plot? The "terra bombing" of the King David Hotel by a future Prime Minister of Israel....The Brits "cut N run"...Kaos ensues? lol. Did you realize that the parents of the Tour de France remain devout Mennonites residing in Farmersville,PA As William Tecumsuh Stafford would say "What is the existential import of this? Just askin IrishDave
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