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DAILY DIRT FAST-BLAST
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Groundbreaking web entity Friendster, pissed off at being forced to eat the dust of their hugely successful upstart rival MySpace, are doing what every red-blooded American entrepreneur does whenever some 'Johnny Come Lately' coattail-rider beats them at their own game: they're taking out spurious patents and contemplating civil action. "We want to protect our intellectual property," Friendster president Kent Lindstrom recently told the Wall Street Journal. "We're evaluating what we should do." Oh, I don't know, Kent. Seeing as your crappy attempts at marketing, combined with other vagaries of the marketplace, have resulted in your being rendered a non-entity by a frankly shambolic competitor offering a distinctly inferior product, perhaps you should turn your attention and venture capital to other endeavors? Such as, for instance, this idea I've got for a new website called Enemyster. It would allow you to keep track of all the people you despise. Come on, hop to it! Before I get off my fat ass and file a patent!
Attention Paranoid America! Yer old pal Jerky's here to bring you yet another slice of infotainment pie to make you all deathly afraid of the world you're living in. Did you know, he said as a wicked grin creased his greasy lips, that statistics kept by the International Council of Cruise Lines show that in the last year alone at least a dozen people have disappeared from cruise ships, most of whom remain unaccounted for? It's true! Aruba doesn't sound so bad all of a sudden, does it?
This month's New England Journal of Medicine spotlights the depressing state of reproductive services availability in some of the darker corners of the Heartland.
DREAMSPACE NIGHTMARE! Here is yet another reason why the arts should be strictly regulated by the state.
Speaking of tourism, check out these ireverent, viral, animated commercials for the travel website Kayak.com. Some of them are pretty darn witty.
Last but not least -- before the jokes and shit, anyway -- here is the excellent, under-seen documentary Orwell Rolls in His Grave, free and online.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Dale!
A guy has a 20 inch long dick and, because of it, he can't get laid. Women take one look at it and go running for the door (I don't see why, but it helps the joke). So he goes to see his doctor to find out if he can have it reduced somehow. The doctor tells him, "there's nothing I can do for you, but, I'll tell you what. In the middle of the forest outside of town there's an old cabin. In the cabin lives a witch. Go see her and I'm pretty sure she can help you.
So, he goes off to see the witch. He tells the witch about his problem and she says to him, "There's really nothing I can do about your problem, but, just outside my door is a path that leads deeper into the woods. Follow the path and it'll take you to a pond. In the middle the pond you'll find a magic frog. Stand at the edge of the pond and ask the frog to marry you. The frog will say, "no". Every time the frog says, "no", your dick will shrink by 4 inches."
So, he leaves the witch's cabin and follows the path to the pond where he finds the frog just like the witch said he would. He stands on the edge of the pond and says to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says, "No."
Suddenly he feels something going on in his pants! He opens them up and has a look to see if it really worked. It did!!!! He's SO overjoyed at his success!! But, he figures, 16 inches is still too long, so he figures he'd better give it another try. He asks the frog again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says, "No."
Again, he feels something going on and he stands there amazed to actually SEE his dick shrink another 4 inches!! "Yippie!!! It worked again!!", he yells, jumping for joy. "But, ya know, 12 inches is still just a bit too much, 8 inches would be plenty! I'd better have just one more go at it just to be on the safe side." So he asks the frog again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says, "How many times do I have to tell you??!! No! No!! NO!!"
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Thanks to our old pal Nan or Ben for sending in today's second joke.
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, and he calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... point-a you watch and say 'Times up'?"
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by A69778...
Three gay men died and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time and were discussing what they
planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Donny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Kenny was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in to a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
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THEY SAID IT!
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"Right now, I would love to kill George Bush. I don't know how I ever got a Nobel Peace Prize, because when I see children die the anger in me is just beyond belief. It's our duty as human beings, whatever age we are, to become the protectors of human life."
- Nobel Peace Laureate Betty Williams gets her name added to Godzilla knows how many government watch-lists.
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"As George W. Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice huddle with representatives of old-line Arab regimes and as Israel continues pounding targets in Lebanon, it is becoming increasingly clear why al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden wanted Bush to gain a second term as US President."
- Legendary investigative reporter Robert Parry asks whether the "New Middle East" will be Dubya's or Osama's.
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ON THIS DAY
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July 25
SHE'S DA BOMB!
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On this day in 1946, America's military scientists detonate the first ever underwater atomic bomb off the Bikini atoll. Meanwhile, in Paris, a new two-piece swimsuit makes its debut at a fancy-shmancy fashion show. It's name? The bikini! Coincidence? YOU BE THE JUDGE!
On this day in 1999... a conflagration -- half barbarian self-affirmation, half banal suburban vandalism -- errupts belch-like from the belly of a lost generation. The children of the seventies and eighties -- the children of greed, selfishness and solipsism -- have their Woodstock, and brother, it ain't pretty. Better to call it Altamont '99, or Woodstockalypse Now. It's pointless to compare the hellish negativity of Woodstock 99 with the benign goofiness of the one that came thirty years before, so why bother? There was public nudity at both events, sure, but the nudity of Woodstock 99 was confrontational, vile and pathetic... it stank of the peep-show booth. Look at me! Touch me! It's all about my tits and cock! Conservatives, of course, see in Woodstock 99 a confirmation of their prejudices. "You see?! THIS is what happens when you allow a counterculture to thrive!" But most of these kids were either born or raised during the greatest surge of social conservatism this nation has ever known. These kids who were setting fire to everything that would burn, these kids who were overturning cars, trucks and ambulances for the rush of it, these kids who looted concessions and sent merchants running for their lives, these are the bastard offspring of the dog-eat-dog, every-man-for-himself conservatism of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher. Brutal, narcissistic and numb. Woodstock is dead... long live Woodstock.
On this day in 1990, US Ambassador to Iraq April Glaspie tells Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein: "We have no opinion on your Arab-Arab conflicts, such as your dispute with Kuwait. Secretary Baker has directed me to emphasize the instruction, first given to Iraq in the 1960's, that the Kuwait issue is not associated with America." Four days later, Iraq invades Kuwait. A few months later, the United States bombs Iraq. BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!! Sucker!
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: A SAFETY SUGGESTION
care of: David
Next time you come home for the night and you go to put your keys away, think of this:
It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation.
Start keeping your car keys next to your bed on the night stand when you go to bed at night.
If you think someone is trying to get into your house, or if you hear a noise outside your house, press the panic alarm on your car key chain.
Test it! It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage.
If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break in your house, odds are the burglar, or rapist, won't stick around.....after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their window to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that.
Try yours to make sure it works before you rely on it.
Just know that you must press the alarm button again to turn it off.
And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there...
This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.
- David
[Great. So not only will you get raped, but your car will get keyed. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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MOPJ, I watched last night (7/25/06) on www.c-span.org the press conference with National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley. If you go to the home page and then go to video library and click on White House/Executive and look for it. He spells out very nicely all of the plans of this President and Iraq. It was very troubling to listen to him lay out all the plans while not a peep from the mainstream media about this at all. I was happy with some very good questions from those reporters that were there, because they made him squirm real good. Especially about increasing troops in Iraq in the very near future. YOP, Bob
[You know that old saying about how all it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing? That's happening now. - Jerky]
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Hey there! If you see politics in this, you have my apologies. I just meant it as a funny cartoon. Dave
[That's how he looks when he reads, too. - Jerky]
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SEMPER FIDELIS! Props to Dave for the cool link to the Great War recruiting poster! And a Filthy Sanchez to Brummbaer for plagiarizing Dilbert. An Old Marine in Smyrna TN (p.s. Where can I get me one o' those pecker pumps, as seen at the top of today's Daily Dirt? Anything is better than going through life with a small dick.)
[Here at the Dirt, plagiarism is not frowned upon. It's a new age, after all, when the very concept of authorship has become meaningless. Or at least that's what I'll be telling the judge when my news-hijacking finally catches up with me. - Jerky]
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Hey Pal, Remember that Jerry Lewis flick, Hook, Line and Sinker? Who says art imitates life? Well, it does, but not this time. YOPGessier
[Ouch. - Jerky]
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Hail oh Jerky one, A buddy of mine from when I was stationed in Bamberg, Germany sent me a link to this article. First thing I see is the face of a guy who lived just down the hall in the C54th ENG barracks and later on I read the name of another guy who was a neighbor. They both survived one year in Iraq only to go back and die. Fuck man, it's like a punch to the stomach followed by a swift kick to the teeth. I think I need to get a drink... Jolly Sapper
[And I'll join you in a toast to the memory of your friends. - Jerky]
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MOPJ, "The federal government is moving to eliminate the jobs of nearly half of the lawyers at the Internal Revenue Service who audit tax returns of some of the wealthiest Americans, specifically those who are subject to gift and estate taxes when they transfer parts of their fortunes to their children and others." God how I wish I were very very wealthy. YOP, Bob
[Don't we all? - Jerky]
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By now you may have seen the news story about the convicted murderer that may have killed a whole lot of young ladies about 20 to 30 years ago. These photos were apparently found in the house he used to live in and he claimed that he had killed more than he was convicted for. You can help if you knew any of these people in the photos. Please take a close look. David A.
[Go ahead on. - Jerky]
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From SofaKing : Welcome, MrBungle. Glad to see another DirtFan who presumably has good taste in music. If that's where your monniker came from, anyway....
Anybody heard Mike Patton's new project?
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From MrBungle : ooohhh, i get it, this the 'panic button zone'...kinda like a free speech zone', just without the 'free' part. it's cool, just not used to this format...but had to switch over ever since my 4 yr old asked mommy why daddy was looking at women who where 'shiny-clean', i.e had just gotten out of the shower....always a pleasure
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From MrBungle : whadda ya mean "or profanity accepted" wtf????
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From Beudreaux : Six.... you crack me up. I'm hysterical here.
Thanks for the giggle.
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From Six : Yeah Jerky- hurry up with Sindy's pic. Nan's too. Unless she's a guy.
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From YOPF : We are here. We are lurking...and waiting for Sindys Pic.
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From FireFox : Lots of good stuff in this one, Jerky. Orwell Rolls especially.
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From Sindy : OK, I've checked out the links and now I'm about to cry again. That's why I love you man, you conjur up a lot of emotions in me and I've never even met you! Thanks for another great Dirt!
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From Beudreaux : Don't coddle Jerky! C'mon! I thought we all agreed to a boycott until he posted Sindys picture?
Wassamatter with you people!
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From FireFox : Decided to save this one for Saturday morning....reading now.
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From SofaKing : We're all in your mind, Jerky....
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From Sindy : Haven't had a chance to check out all the links but you got me giggling again, Jerky! You're the best! I look forward to my weekend reading...
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From Six : Everybody's at the auction.
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From archereon : been rounded up in a pogrom for anti americans and locked in a reeducation camp?
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From Jerky : Where is everybody?!
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