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WEEK-OLD NEWS AND STUPID LINKS
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"Mad" Mel Gibson has issued a second press release apologizing for his bizarre behavior during a drunk driving arrest last Friday, and this one was directed specifically at the Jewish community. The repentant Road Warrior insisted "there is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance" for anti-Semitism. Which is ironic considering he then goes on to blame his outburst on the bottle and ask for help on his "journey through recovery". Meanwhile, Hollywood is wondering what affect the Oscar winner's behavior might have on business. Will Disney drop Apocalypto, Gibson's epic about the last days of Mayan civilization? And what about the Holocaust documentary Mel was producing for ABC? Only time -- and maybe Jesus -- will tell.
Pentagon plans to open a new, state of the art prison facility at Guantanamo Bay have sparked controversy. Construction on the Camp 6 maximum security site is nearly complete, and officials expect to transfer two hundred prisoners there by late September. That facility, built by a Halliburton subsidiary, cost an estimated thirty million dollars. Human rights groups say this latest development proves that Preznit Dubya wasn't being sincere when he said he wanted to shut down Guanatamo Bay, which still holds over 450 prisoners from the war on terror. Since the detention camp was first established in January of 2002, only ten prisoners have been formally charged with any wrongdoing.
A fire at England's legendary Pinewood Studios has destroyed much of the set for the latest James Bond movie, Casino Royale. While no injuries were reported, the blaze caused the explosion of two gas tanks, leaving several employees shaken… not stirred. But seriously, this isn't the first time Pinewood's Bond soundstage has gone up in smoke. A similar incident took place in 1984, destroying historic sets for such Bond classics as The Spy Who Loved Me and For Your Eyes Only. When asked whether the fire was possibly the result of arson by Bond fans angered at the choice of Daniel Craig as a replacement for outgoing 007 Pierce Brosnan, authorities had no comment.
The Shanghai Morning Post is reporting that the Chinese government has constructed a massive underground super-bunker complex capable of sheltering nearly a quarter million citizens in case of nuclear attack. The vast shelter connects to shopping centers, office towers, apartment buildings and the subway system throughout China's bustling business capital via a miles-long network of tunnels. With access to fresh water, stockpiles of food and generators for electricity, authorities claim the facility can support life underground at full capacity for as long as two weeks. As for what the rest of Shanghai's twenty million citizens will do when the bombs start falling, I guess they'll be on their own.
British author J.K. Rowling got an earful of advice from two of America's most popular novelists on Tuesday: "Don't kill Harry Potter!" At a charity reading attended by all three authors, horror master Stephen King and fellow best-seller John Irving begged Rowling not to end the boy wizard's saga on a sour note. Rowling, who previously hinted that she was thinking of killing off the popular character in the final volume of the series, isn't making any promises. Maybe Stephen King should just slip her a copy of his novel, Misery, which goes into horrific detail about what can happen to authors who cavalierly kill off their readers' favorite characters.
When the Tour De France people first said that-guy-who-isn't-Lance-Armstrong's piss showed signs of elevated testosterone, he came out and basically said: "Hey! I can't help the fact that I'm a manlier man than most!" Now that the Tour De France people have found that some of that extra testosterone was synthetic, what's he going to say? That he's a cybernetic organism: living tissue over a metal endoskeleton? I think that-guy-who-isn't-Lance-Armstrong is now officially ker-FUCKED.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Nan or Ben!
The United States Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush to honor his presidential achievements Unfortunately, the stamp has not been sticking to the envelopes. This has enraged the President, who has demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, a special Presidential Commission has reached the following findings:
1. The stamp itself is fine, no problem found in printing process.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. The general public is spitting on the wrong side.
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal RW Sharp for sending in today's second joke.
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian".
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Kerusty Kerlown...
A bloke i knew once got this letter from his girl. A "dear John" letter. Took him so bad, he just up and died right on the spot. Coroner found he died from " a missive heart attack".
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THEY SAID IT!
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"His parents continue to ask for it to be looked at. And that is really their prerogative. ... But there's been numerous unfortunate cases of fratricide, and the parents have basically said, ‘OK, it was an unfortunate accident.’ And they let it go. So this is —- I don’t know, these people have a hard time letting it go. It may be because of their religious beliefs. When you die, I mean, there is supposedly a better life, right? Well, if you are an atheist and you don’t believe in anything, if you die, what is there to go to? Nothing. You are worm dirt. So for their son to die for nothing, and now he is no more, that is pretty hard to get your head around that. So I don’t know how an atheist thinks."
- Lt. Col. Ralph Kauzlarich, the man who, more than any other person below the rank of general, is probably most responsible for the Pentagon’s embarrassment when NFL-player-turned-Army-Ranger Pat Tillman was killed by friendly fire in 2004 -- blames Tillman's parents' rage at repeatedly being lied to about the incident that claimed their son's life on their alleged atheism.
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"The number one is a brilliant and bright white, like somebody shining a torch beam into my eyes… Four is shy and quiet, like me. Eighty-nine is like falling snow…"
- Like, wow man... autistic savant Daniel Tammet seems to live in a pretty interesting world, thanks to the miracle of synesthesia...
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ON THIS DAY
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July 28
On this day in 1794, French revolutionary Maximilien François Marie Isidore de Robespierre loses his head to one of the many guillotines he, himself, helped to erect across France during his "Reign of Terror."
On this day in 1945, a B-52 US Army bomber crashes into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building. 14 people die in the resulting explosion.
On this day in 1937, raincoat-sporting molesters and shuffling, shifty-eyed pushers all over America celebrate Joseph Lee Day, in honor of the nation's playgrounds.
On this day in 2061, Halley's Comet will make its 31st recorded pass through our solar system. Most of us will be dead, buried and disolved by then. Have a nice day!
July 29
On this day in 1987, hippy ice cream entrepreneurs Ben & Jerry team up with Greatful Dead frontman Jerry Garcia to create a popular new flavor: Cherry Garcia. Subsequent partnerships with other musicians, resulting in such flavors as Grape Slick, Strawberry Pearl Jam, and M&Eminem&M, were nowhere near as successful.
On this day in the year 1981, England's Prince Charles marries Lady Diana Spencer, and they lived happily ever after.
On this day in 1974, Saint Louis Cardinal Lou Brock steals the 700th base of his career while, across the Atlantic in London, singer Mama Cass Elliot gets half a ham sandwich lodged in her windpipe and chokes to death at the tender age of 30. Coincidence? Yeah... right.
July 30
On this day in 1619, colonial Virginia's House of Burgesses is established. The first popularly elected legislature in the New World, the House of Burgesses meant Americans had a 157-year head start on democracy once they declared full independence from England in 1776, assuring a relatively smooth transition towards self-rule. Need I bother mentioning that this "democracy" applied only to land-owning white dudes? I didn't think so. But hey, you know... baby steps, people!
On this day in 1839, a bloody revolt takes place on the slave ship La Amistad, thereby laying the groundwork for yet another bloated, fatuous, self-important "message" movie by the incredibly overrated Steven "childlike wonder" Spielberg.
On this day in 1991, publicists for MTV announce that the groundbreaking cable music video channel would soon be splitting into three separate channels. Marketers call the move "expansion and diversification," while music lovers describe it as "metastasization."
On this day in 2002, yer old pal Jerky created some weird-ass computer wallpaper. If your monitor display is set at 800x600, click HERE. If it's set at 1024x768, click HERE. If it's set at 640x480, what the fuck is wrong with you?! Fucking UPGRADE, already!
Celebrating birthdays today are three of the roughest, toughest dudes ever to crawl atop the polymorphously perverse gang-bang pile-on that is America's entertainment industry. First and foremost, Arnold Schwarzenthingy turns fifty-seven years young today. The Austrian-born son-of-a-Nazi is famous for parlaying his steroid-swollen physique into a career as a ruthless killer cyborg in both film and politics. Today is also the fifty-fourth birthday of Sylvester Stalone's vastly more talented brother Frank. And, last but not least -- which, when you consider the fact that Arnie was "first and foremost," means Frank Stalone is the de-facto loser in this equation -- yo-yo dieting tabloid queen Delta Burke was born on this day in 1956. And if you don't believe yer old pal Jerky when he tells you that she's one of the roughest, toughest dudes to ever conquer Hollywood, consider this: She married Major Dad!
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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YOU'RE PUTIN ME ON! Once Russian President Vladimir Putin agreed to do an Internet-broadcast interview, Russian online users lined up to suggest more than 162,000 questions for him. He answered about 40. In the webcast he declared the United States is "one of our main partners in the world," but apparently dodged questions about when he lost his virginity, whether he'll legalize marijuana, and 3,000 people who wanted to know when Cthulhu, a fictional monster octopus that lives on the ocean bottom, might re-awaken, giving Putin the idea that quite a lot of Russians are using more than enough marijuana already. Think they were Dirt readers? Fessup. You put them up to this didn't you? - mojo
[Not I, not I, said the spider to the fly! - Jerky]
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Hi Jerky I loved Garold's rant his astute knowledge of Islam's love for numbers, he shows how they use the words of the Prophet to promote their 'agenda'. He understands their total belief in their religion, their culture and their calander to prove his rant. Oh, he had to use 'our' calander to prove his point. What islamist would do that? Good try, but the aim from his planet was a bit off. yer mate sklag
[Enh. For all I know, he may be right. Who can be sure of anything anymore? - Jerky]
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Dear Jerkoffy, It would be becoming of you to link to thewords.com for the other side of the story seeing as you like to link to evilbible.com. Yop, Albert
[There you go. - Jerky]
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Jerky! Senator Joe Coleman (R-Minnesota), sez his possible future opponent has high powered friends with deep pockets, a venemous radio show, and a magnitude of personal wealth. Seems like Al Franken would fit right in! - Sweetfinger
[Al Franken would make a fine Senator -- better than Coleman, that's for sure -- but he's about as venemous as a ladybug. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Hey Jerky, As we get ready to enter the age of class war on the internet (as if we working class havent suffered enough at the hands of our "elected" officials) I wanted to spout some trivia. Who are the only 2 presidents to remove troops from an area to conform to the demands of terrorists? Give up? Is everyone guessing the scapegoats for all things - Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton? Well, you're wrong, but close. The first was Ronnie Reagan pulling out of Lebanon at the demand of Hezbollah. Wow, some cowboy that fuckwit was. The second? Yep, Dubbya to adhere to Usama Bin Ladens "manifesto" of getting "all infidel troops out of the land of 2 holy places (Saudi Arabia), pulled our troops out of Saudi Arabia. Just for shits an giggles, when did Dubbya do that? Everyone give up? OK - he did it THE DAY BEFORE HIS "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" SPEECH. Which means effectivly, he did not lie. He surrendered to the scapegoat for 9-11 and we were safe, which meant "Mission Accomplished". And we all thought Dubbya was lying. I wonder what would have happened if Bill Clinton or Jimmy Carter would have pulled bases out of Saudi Arabia in the middle of "The War on the Constitution". Have a great day my friend. Later, The Dalhi Bobba
[You too, pal. - Jerky]
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From Gapsmushemuch :
07224 46 (2.99 y.e.+)
8 - - 703-505-00-24 (5 .+)
, ... ! . , 07
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From accebraunfire : [b] !!! !!![/b] [b] !!![/b] !!! . . - , . ,
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From Marijanus : Hi Friends!
Very interesting site, beautiful design, thank.
thank
Bruno Mehlmann
berirtrerejas
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From Six : Bustercab- I'd almost propose that we have seen several Jerkys come and go over the past few years. In 2003 I sent him an e-mail asking why his writing style had changed. And yes, some Jerkys are much more scathing than others, just like drunken Santas.
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From bustercrab : Just call it my intuition, I noticed some time ago that his responses were lame, short and different. Check some his responses from a few years ago against recently. The whole tone is different.
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From Beudreaux : Whoa! Now THAT'S a bold statement 'bustercrab'. I would go so far as stating two months perhaps.... but a year? "Jerky" and I were in steady corresspondence up until about two months ago when he dropped a bombshell on me. I'm reluctant to reveal what he said until I'm sure he is no longer on this website. What else makes you believe he's been gone?
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From YOPF : To begin with, I thought this was all a joke, but now I'm not so sure. Am I being paranoid? Puff puff pass
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From bustercrab : I think you guys are correct that this writer is not Jerky but I think the change was months ago maybe even a year or more ago. I base this on his comments and responses to our inane emails and his less than scathing answers.
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From FireFox : Roger that, Beudreaux. E-mail sent.
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From Beudreaux : Who knows Sindy. I've thought about that. But I can think of a dozen legal reasons why he wouldn't.... or couldn't... tell us he left. If the site wanted to continue....and gave Jerky an "ultimatum bonus" to keep his mouth shut.... I don't know what I would choose if I were in his shoes. I would probably opt to eat and pay my bills until I found another job.
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From Sindy : Jerky promised me awhile back that if he had to leave the Dirt, he'd tell us where he's gone. Jerky never broke a promise to me in 8 years, so I definitely have faith in him and would fight for him. He's got to know we're all here pulling for him. You guys think maybe this all started with that Thai situation?
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From SofaKing : I have sent Jerky an email to see if he will answer my secret "Jerky Verification" question. If he's able to answer correctly, I will have to assume that he's still with us but muted for business reasons.
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From Beudreaux : Firefox? SofaKing? Sindy? Anyone else? I've enjoyed Jerky's writings far too long not to go down without a fight if he, indeed, has been expelled. Here is my email address. Write if you wish.
l o o k e n p i at p a c b e l l . n e t
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From FireFox : I've thought there was more than one writer for some time now.
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From Jerky : Also, in short form, I am not above using the occasional emoticon, stupid tho they may be.
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From Jerky : Sofaking, please e-mail me and I will answer your question. I can't answer it here, obviously.
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From cnvqtwbzk wkhcqdxoz : fmgl cjen vpumqyds lyqvxfipn kujwn xzwumjs datxvcw
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From Beudreaux : Sindy has faith..... and that's cool. I hope she is right.
As for me? I think something has gone terribly wrong.
Regardless, I have a hunch we'll all know within the next few Dirt's whose correct. If they put in an imposter, we'll figure it out.
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From SofaKing : That's ok, Sindy... I'm just trying to flush out the "real" Jerky. I don't really think he has a vagina, man-made or otherwise. Oh, God I hope not anyway...
Puff... Puff... (shudder)...Puff.
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From Sindy : Oh, OK, SofaKing, I gotcha. I was kinda defending Jerky too but no matter. Let me just pick up my sense of humor off the floor where I dropped it... Puff puff pass... OK, there we go... Much better now. Anyway, it was an old picture when I was younger & in better shape. I don't look anything like it now. You're not really missing anything...
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From SofaKing : If the real Jerky is here, he can answer this question...
What were the initials of your date-raping, former roomie?
That answer is between me and MOPJ and has never been published in the Dirt.
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From FireFox : yep, if this is the Jerky we all know and love, then he could prove it by posting Sindy's pic
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From SofaKing : Sindy... (if that is your real name)
Don't throw your logic at me. I was just funnin'...
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From Sindy : SofaKing, how could I possibly send you (or anybody else for that matter) a pic? The only email I have is Jerky's! And it's not me not sharing, it's Jerky, so there.
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From SofaKing : Sindy is re-enforcing the notion that she may in fact be the REAL Jerky. Sindy is actually Jerky's new female name and the surgery is the big change.
That's why Sindy won't send a pic to the rest of us. That new vag hasn't healed properly.
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From Sindy : C'mon guys, I've seen him use emoticons before. Give the poor guy a break, he sounds like he's going through a lot right now.
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From Beudreaux : When the website started running those 'pissing' banner ads and I complained Jerky told me he didn't own the name "Jerky LeBouef". (spell?).
So the owners can call ANYONE "Jerky". And I agree SofaKing ...Jerky wouldn't use funny little faces.
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From SofaKing : I have never seen Jerky use an emoticon. In fact, I'm pretty sure he thinks they are stupid.
I smell a rat.
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From YOPF : - I agree this doesn't sound like Jerky at all. Someone is trying hard to sound like him, but they failed. Jerky, Where are you?
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From Beudreaux : Yeah? If you really are the 'real' Jerky then you would know who I am. Who am I?
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From LadyThunder : VOTE FOR ZOD 2008!!1
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From Jerky : Hey guys. Yes, I wrote those stories. I know they suck, but... come on! The cybernetic organism thing wasn't THAT bad, was it? -P
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From Cardina : To the Bosses of this Rag.
Bring back the old Jerky. It's obvious some one else wrote the top section and the lame "Stupid World" captions. What makes "The Dirt" great is the writing. If we wanted vanilla news we'd go to Yahoo.
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From Sindy : I just read Jerky's last posting on the last Dirt - I didn't realize there was a problem. Jerky, absolutely, if there's anything we can do, just say the word. We're here for you, good times and bad.
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From RASTY : Did the PTB get to YOP Jerky.Did he just take some time away? Or did they off him?
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From Conspiracy Theory by Beudreaux : What if Jerky didn't own the rights to his name? What if he was fired and now we're dealing with sumyunguy who thinks he can write "Jerky's" column?
Everybody reread the top of this column. You really think Jerky wrote that?
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From FireFox : You know, we've been over this B-52 thing before. That only goes to further prove the non-Jerkiness of this dirt
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From SofaKing : I am with you, Beudreaux. That didn't smack of Jerky's writing at all. If it was him, it was a lazy, copy/paste job.
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From Sindy : Great Dirt today, Jerky! Glad you're back!
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From Okie Al : Jerky,
My friend, I hate to be nit-picking, but the B-52 bomber did not
fly until 1954. I think you transposed the last two digits.
Keep up the FINE work.
Al
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From FireFox : Tell us how we can help, Jerky and it shall be done.
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From billbudd : Why didn't the Empire State Building collapse?
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From Beudreaux : I'm sorry....but "Week Old News" was not written by Jerky. Somebody else wrote that.
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From Paul K : in 1945 the B-52 did not exist! The air craft that crashed into the Empire State Building was a B-25 a much smaller aircraft that was off course due to an extremely foggy weather condition.
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