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NOAM CHOMSKY IMAGINARY INTERVIEW!
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FISHIN' WITH NOAM!
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(ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED AUG 14, 2001)
We were sitting around at home today when we thought to ourselves: "Fuck it, dudes. Let's go fishing."
And so, we went fishing. And it was while we were fishing that we encountered our old pal, Noam Chomsky, distinguished professor of linguistics at M.I.T. and genuine, blue-ribbon, gold-medal shit-disturber extraordinaire. We often meet Noam when we go fishing, so this chance encounter was not the surprise you might think it to be. Anyway, as is always the case whenever we meet up with our old buddy Noam, we asked him what was on his mind these days.
He said: "Corporate propaganda."
We almost said: "Still?!" But then we regained our senses. For people who don't give a rat's ass about the complexities of contemporary linguistic phenomenological matrices, Noam can seem like a broken record sometimes. But his is a song that is always worth listening to, whether or not it makes your booty shake. So we pressed him for details. What effect has corporate propaganda had on society at large, we asked?
"The effect has been, pretty much, to demolish civil society," he answered. "To turn people into what is the ideal. And the ideal is very clear. The ideal is a completely fragmented, atomized society, where everyone is totally alone, doing nothing but trying to pursue created wants. They don't have any connection with anyone else. You don't see anyone else, you don't deal with anyone else, you're an atom of consumption. And you go to work at lower and lower wages for more and more hours and less and less benefits and security in a 'flexible' labor market. That's the kind of utopia that they're looking, for and we're not very far from there."
"Sounds about right," we replied. We couldn't help ourselves. Kindly, he saw fit to ignore us and continue.
"I mean, the country is like a devastated peasant society. You really have to go back to Europe and the Black Death, the 14th century, to find anything similar. People are scared, angry, hostile, hate everything, don't know what they hate, don't have anybody else to talk to. Just angry, desperate times."
"And how!" we enthused. "But what are some of the external manifestations of this encroaching solipsism?"
"There are cults all over the place at a scale that is unknown in any other society," he replied. For the first time since he began speaking, his voice broke from its pleasant, calming drone and became ever slightly more animated. "The level of religious fundamentalism alone is probably the highest in the world. I'm almost certain it's higher than in Iran."
Having read many hundreds of megabytes of e-mail from hundreds of easily offended fundamentalist Christianoid porn-hounds, ourselves, we couldn't help but nod our heads in agreement. He continued…
"Across the board, it's just a dissolved society. The portent is ominous. You know, it's the kind of situation that is indeed very reminiscent of Germany in the late 30's, or Iran in the late 70's, and it's very frightening. Indeed, it's much more frightening when it happens here."
There wasn't much we could say to that. Nothing sucks quite as hard as having your worst fears and suspicions reinforced by one of the greatest minds of the post-war world. We shook his hand and went back home, stopping along the way to pick up some fish at the supermarket, for supper. Yet even as we were perusing the fresh trout and red snapper, we were thinking, pondering, fulminating. As always, Noam had struck a chord in us.
We thought about our many libertarian-minded friends who are heavy into the whole digital revolution thing -- real code-head, techno-fascist, hacker types -- who can't wait for online piracy to deliver its final, crippling blow to the current infrastructures and hierarchies of the established 'content delivery' specialists: AOL/Time/Warner, the film and recording industries... the only mechanisms by which artists are currently able to eek out a living, basically.
On the flip side of the same coin, we also thought about the great many gun-nut 'survivalist' types who are waiting on an even more wide-ranging collapse of social and governmental systems so they can emerge from the darkened woods and lead the rest of us to a glorious future full of rugged individualism. Being rugged individuals themselves -- the lucky minority who know how to distill their own urine into a refreshing potable drink -- they look forward to this potential future like the average high school boy looks forward to getting his first blow-job.
Nowadays, in other words, it seems like most everybody is biding their time, just waiting around for some ill-defined revolution so they can use their own personal advantages to claw their way to the top of the pecking order. Everybody wants to be top dog, and, like the spoiled brats we so obviously are, most of us are holding our breath until our very own pet revolutionary project makes that transition from wishful thinking to paradigm-bursting reality...
...except for us, that is. We're just waiting for people to start reading again, for progressive rock to make a comeback, for a pill that lets you eat whatever you want without ever gaining weight, for the decriminalization of marijuana, and for the day when the Chandra Condit Memorial Parking Lot and the big-budget Hollywood movie about Dubya's fraudulent Preznitcy will be nothing but a distant, fading memory.
Love,
yer old pal Jerky and friends.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Sklag!
A little kid is reading a book and comes across the words 'pussy' and 'bitch'. He goes to his mother and asks what they mean. She explains, "Our cat can also be called a pussy, and our dog, Lassie, is a bitch, a female dog."
He goes away not too happy with it so he goes to his father down in his shed and asks the same question telling him what his mother said.
"Well, not really", says his father, reaching under his bench and pulls out a magazine. He opens it at the centerfold. Getting a pencil the circles the spot betweens the legs, "everything inside the circle is a pussy."
"Okay, what's a bitch?"
"Everything outside the circle!"
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke.
There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.
They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Mike Buchan...
Much was wasted because I was young when she died. If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I'd find a great woman and start my own family.
"And son, remember this always" she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
She said in her soft voice.. "makes your pecker look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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THEY SAID IT!
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"If sizeable reductions in greenhouse gas emissions will not happen and temperatures rise rapidly, then climatic engineering, as presented here, is the only option available to rapidly reduce temperature rises and counteract other climatic effects. Such a modification could also be stopped on short notice, if undesirable and unforeseen side-effects become apparent, which would allow the atmosphere to return to its prior state within a few years."
- According to professor Paul Crutzen, a Nobel Prize-winning research chemist, the best way to avert the looming global climate disaster is for mankind to significantly cut back on greenhouse gas emissions. Failing that, however, he proposes a Plan B: artificially cooling the climate by releasing sulphur into the upper atmosphere, which would reflect sunlight and heat back into space.
*** **** ***
"When they told me there was a hijack, my first reaction was 'Somebody started the exercise early'. I actually said out loud, 'The hijack's not supposed to be for another hour'."
- For an ostensible attempt at conspiracy-theory-debunking, this Vanity Fair feature article sure does manage to raise some disturbing questions, not the least of which being NORAD facility mission-crew commander Major Kevin Nasypany's quote, and the inconvenient reality that surrounds it.
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ON THIS DAY
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August 1
On this day in 1972, the Washington Post reports that a $25,000 cashier's check earmarked for the Comittee to Re-Elect the President (CREEP) was discovered in the bank account of one of the men caught burglarizing a Democratic office in the Watergate building. It's the Post's first Watergate story, and it's also the beginning of the end for President Nixon.
On this day in the year 1619, a few weeks after having been traded for a shipload of food by a desperate Dutch slave-trader, the very first Africans to ever touch American soil land in Jamestown, Virginia. Unfortunately, they were such a hit with the slave-owning classes (who previously had been content to own native Americans and English paupers), rush orders were soon being placed for millions more. The rest, as they say, is history.
The combined efforts of Captain J. T. Kirk and T.J. Hooker weren't enough to save William Shatner's wife when he found her, face down in the bottom of the family pool on this day in 1999. And yes, he DID call 911, or, as he calls it: "Nine..... one-one!"
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: NET NEUTRALITY IS UNDER ATTACK
care of: David
Your freedom to have unencumbered access to content on the Internet is in jeopardy.
Our federal legislative bodies are working on a bill to overhaul the telecommunications regulations. In that bill are provisions which allow telecommunication companies the right to charge content providers a premium for priority delivery. The consequence is that if a content provider does not want to pay the additional toll their content will be delivered more slowly.
This will ultimately impact startup business and possibly tech savvy individuals that enjoy putting video of their child's first steps on the internet. This website can provide more information.
Please communicate to your representative your desire regarding this issue. This is a very quick and simple means of letting your representatives know how you feel.
Please spend a little time to help preserve the vast amount of unfettered information which we now enjoy. If this issues is important to you forward this message to others that may share your feelings.
- David
[I hate to be a downer, but if I've learned ANYTHING in the last seven plus years of this fruitless endeavor, it's that The Powers That Be don't care squat about any fucking petitions. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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My Friends, If this is true or not, I thought it was a good tip to pass along... This advice comes to me from a retired State Farm Agent! This system has been tried and it works in every State. If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or whatever the case may be, and you're going to get points on your license this is a method to ensure that you DO NOT get the points. When you get your fine, send in a check to pay for it. If the fine is $79.00 make the check out for $82.00 or some small amount over the fine. The system will then have to send you back a check for the difference, however here is the trick. DO NOT CASH THE REFUND CHECK! Throw it away! Points are not assessed to your license until all financial transactions are complete. If you do not cash the check, the transactions are NOT complete. The system has received its money and is satisfied and will no longer bother you. This information comes from an unmentionable Computer company that sets up the standard databases used by every state. Send this to everyone you know. You never know when they may need a break. N8Possibilities
[I'm not even going to bother checking whether or not this one is true. - Jerky]
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Dear Jerky, Please find attached my latest political creation. I have lovingly Photoshopped an image combining the failed creative endeavors of Mr. Mann's Miami Vice, with the equally poor foreign policy of the Bush administration. I have attached a small and large version of the work. Please use at your leisure. All the best, Paul G.
[I get it, and yet... I don't get it. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
MOPJ, This story is related to another story you put out a while ago. I thought this comment said it all. "This is a sunshine bill that was meant simply to shed light on an abusive market practice," Overstock.com Chief Executive Officer Patrick Byrne said. "The fact that the brokerage industry is freaking out says a lot. Cockroaches are always afraid of the light." We'll see where it goes. I anticipate a long, protracted legal battle. YOP, Bob
[The whole flimsy construct is gonna come crashing down any day now. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Jerky; Sweetfinger wrote that on of the senators from Minnesota is named Joe Coleman - it's actually, NORM Coleman (though he's still a collossal asshole). JOE Coleman is a painter who does enormous, highly detailed portraits loaded with text of serial killers, circus freaks, musicians, himself, etc. Just thought I'd clear that up... Cheers! Jack
[He also blows himself up and eats rats live on stage. Guess which one I'm talking about? - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Jerky! Would you stop with the B-52 crap? There weren't B-52s in 1945 and one
certainly didn't hit the empire state building. You've been doing this for YEARS. P. Wiggen
[Heheheheh... ain't I a stinker? - Jerky]
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Dear Jerky, I hate to be one (out of thousands, I'm sure) to point out the
transposition of digits in the 'On This Day' section; it was a B-25, not a B-52, that hit the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945. Sincerely, Tonto
[I make the same mistake every year. That's what you get when you cut and paste! - Jerky]
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Jerky - 'On this day in 1945, a B-52 US Army bomber crashes into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building. 14 people die in the resulting explosion.' You forgot to add: '...and the bulding still stands to this day.' Cheers! Jack
[I also forgot to say it was a B-25. A B-52 prolly would have brought 'er down. - Jerky]
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From Anon : I noticed that someone else posted as "Anon" . We are two different people. Apologies Anon.
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From Anon : Holy Sh*T! I just starting googling Jerky Leboeuf in both the web and groups and I found a lot of spooky stuff. Go to connectingforsex dot com, and google "Jimmy Metaxas" in google groups, go to sureyeahwhatever dot com, and tell me who this woman is? i found so much it's too much to list it all. Now I'm really spooked.
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From SofaKing : Any of you ever stop to think that maybe this whole Dirt operation is nothing more than a front for the PTB to ferret out dissidents? After all, aren't the intellectual thinkers the first to be rounded up? Perhaps Agent Jerky was just an information officer with a particular gift for witty editorial banter. Maybe now the shift has changed at the Office for Conspiritorial Validation and a lesser qualified agent is now trying to assume the role....
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From anon : Exick, the fun part about conspiracy theories is don't think TOO much! After all, it makes perfect sense that whoever sponsors the DD would replace Jerky with someone who falls even further behind than our beloved Jerky! I mean come ON guys, if Jerky got the axe wouldn't the new fake Jerky have to at least keep up the sporadic "daily" nature of the DD? Especially when just posting old stuff?
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From Exick : Well, at least I know when the Dirt stops being entertaining, there's always the wacko conspiracy theorists that read it to fall back on.
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From YOPF : Wow, methinks Beudreaux may be on to something. That was some spooky Sh**! Now what can we do about it? Jerky, I'd like to see an unequivocal statement that the comments in the dirt belong to the original and the one-and-only Jerky Lebouf and not a ghost-writer or ghost-writer team. BTW, Jerky, I know you are getting annoyed, so sorry if I seem like a hard a** but I just dont have much faith in anything anymore. Except for Sindy, I guess.
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From SofaKing : Beudreaux... He wasn't able to correctly answer your questions? He didn't answer mine with a direct answer because he did it here in the comment section and confidentiality was involved, but he did give an answer that strongly suggested he knew the right one. He claimed to not get my email even though we've been corresponding long enough for him to know who I am. Once, I even sent him a gift to his "Canadian Safe House".
Fishy... very fishy...
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From Beudreaux : I know one thing.... I won't be apologizing. This guy ain't Jerky. He flunked the test. When Jerky came on the other day and said there was going to be a "change"....he wasn't kidding.
Sorry.
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From Sindy : hehehehe
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From Born Rich : google jerky leboeuf + art bell and some interesting threads posted by the real jerky come up at the portland media re jeff gannon. Maybe Jerky stepped on someones toes and the cult of scientology is now leaving rattle snakes in his mailbox
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From SofaKing : Sindy... Don't you mean Smooches on Jerky's ass?
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From Sindy : Smooches, Jerky! Ditto YOPF comments.
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From YOPF : Jerky, I wish you could tell us more about what is going on. Know this..we are loyal long term fans and we'd be f'in royally pissed if you were gone. Say the word and we will get on board to help you - but we gotta know that it's really you that we're helping. C'mon throw us a bone.
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From SofaKing : When I mentioned "laziness of writing style", I meant that to encompass the copying and pasting that you've done lately. I still think you're a good writer or I wouldn't be here. Sheesh, there used to be a time when you enjoyed being slammed and provoked. If all you want is an ass-kissing, then Sindy should be the only one allowed to comment and the rest of us should shut our traps.
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From Beudreaux : Yeah! Firefox is right! Dammit! You should be FLATTERED that we would go to such lengths to make sure you're still with us! But instead you get attitude! The REAL Jerky would NEVER get attitude he.... wait a second...what am I saying?
Ok....ahem....and that goes ditto for me on Firefox' p.s. Because if it ain't you.... I'm outta here.
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From FireFox : No apologies needed. Hell man, my plight is looking pretty dreary at the moment as well, so I understand. If there is anything we can do all you gotta do is say something. All the years of entertainment you gave us for free, it is only fitting that we would help you out if humanly possible. Just say the word.
p.s. if this ain't the real Jerky, strike all that crap I said above lololol
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From Beudreaux : Email sent. I have been having a hell of a time trying to post on here. Let's see if this post works.
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From Beudreaux : Ok.... you are correct ... Mr. Imposter Jerky. I didn't send my email and I will do so now. If you manage to answer the questions...and I don't believe for one second that you will...I will publicly come back on this forum and eat crow.
As for you, Sindy.... you shall evermore be known as "Sindy Smackbutt". (Unless, of course, this Jerky answers the questions.)
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From Sindy : Jerky, THEY should apologize to YOU
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From Jerky : Sorry to get snappy FF... I guess you guys succeeded in rattling my cage there. It's just that there really are some "issues" developing, and the future seems tenuous at best, so I'm having a little trouble finding humor in the situation at the moment. Again, sorry.
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From FireFox : We're just taking potshots at you since we know you are not readily available to defend yourself. We've been here damn near ten years, bro. Surely you can take a little ribbing from the loyal. We's just funnin' about
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From Jerky : Jesus F'ing Nailholes, Beudreaux... you're not serious about this conspiracy theory, are you? You can't be THAT serious seeing as you never e-mailed me the question in question. And Sofaking... WTF are you talking about?! That editorial is FIVE YEARS OLD!!!
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From FireFox : copy and paste doesn't take much effort... LOL
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From SofaKing : Whether he's there or not, I'm not sure. But, I can see where you'd think someone else was writing, due to the sheer laziness of the writer's style. Either it's someone other than Jerky, or he's putting zero effort into it.
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From Beudreaux : Yeah right SofaKing. What actually HAPPENED was that OUR Jerky got a phone call and was told either answer 'SofaKing's' questions or face a possible DELAY in the arrival of his severance check. I notice it took a few days.
Jerky ain't writing these Dirt's.
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From YOPF : Jerky - you are absolutely right - petitions are a complee waste of time. As for the B-52 thing...Jerky, please inform all the other Jerky's....LOL...just kidding with ya.
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From gaypiper : Here's a joke for you
Two lesbian frogs were chatting one day and one said to the other, "You know, those humans are right... we do taste like chicken!"
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From SofaKing : Jerky did indeed answer my question with a reply that would indicate he is still at the Dirt. But, he is obviously very distracted....
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From Beudreaux : Originally published in 2001? Jerky published some GREAT Dirts in 2000 and 2001. Why choose this one?
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From Sindy : Another great Dirt today, Jerky! I'm here for you and with you. Peace & love.
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From FireFox : So when are we gonna hear about these changes? You know we love you man.
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