|
|
WAR IS OVER - HOORAY!
|
THE SONG REMAINS A PAIN
It occurs to me that there's another, altogether more sinister reason for The Powers That Be to want to stymie stem-cell research. If such research was to lead to a significant lengthening of our life-spans, as some suggest, this would likely exacerbate the already catastrophic demographic problems our far-sighted leaders see looming just over the horizon. Perhaps looking at the Big Picture from a "world historic" perspective gives certain Power Elites the impression that most of us would be better off dead, and that anything working against this end is, at best, counter-productive, and not conducive to a smooth transition to a Brave New World Order.
A recent Scripps Howard News Service poll, if elections were held today, Preznit Dubya would lose to either John Kerry or Al Gore. So, basically, nothing significant has changed.
You can't say coroners in Baghdad haven't been earnign their dinars, lately. In the month of July, alone, the Baghdad morgue took in 1,815 corpses, 90 percent of whom had died violent deaths. That's only one city, folks. Suddenly, that Lancet study estimating excess civilian deaths in Iraq at something close to a quarter fucking million is starting to look as "conservative" as its compilers claimed it was.
In an apparent bid to give Iraq a run for its money where wasting human life is concerned, fifteen more states are following Florida's lead in enacting "shoot first/stand your ground" gun laws making it a helluva lot easier to get away with gunning someone down for no good reason. Fortunately for the nation as a whole -- not to mention the gene pool -- most of the states are in the Deep South.
If you're having trouble getting and maintaining an erection, you may have a bigger problem than boudoir bashfulness. A new Italian study has found that impotence is can be a warning sign of coronary artery disease. The good news is that erectile disfunction -- otherwise known as soft-dick disease -- manifests two to three years sooner than coronary artery disease, so it's like you're getting a heart-healthy heads-up when you can't get your head up, if you know what I mean. And I think you know what I mean.
Hey, all you Special K-heads out there! Guess what? Turns out you've been engaging in a constructive bit of self-medication all these years! Yep, that's right... whether you knew it or not, your allegedly "tragic" Ketamine habit has been keeping the wolf of clinical depression from the door!
Faster and more effectively, in fact, than drugs designed specifically to do so. So the "K-hole" really is a Happy Place! Whodathunkit?!
Much like the shitty, over-priced sandwiches hawked by the company he leads, Quizno's Marketing VP Scott Lippitt has been toasted... for trying to arrange sex with a non-existent 13-year-old girl over the Internet. Ironically (or not), Lippit was the genius behind Quizno's execrable "Baby Bob" campaign, featuring a wisecracking toddler with an adult voice who tries to pick up adult chicks.
|
Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
|
|
|
JOKES!
|
Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope!
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor."
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Giles T for sending in today's second joke.
A guy goes into a cocktail lounge and sees a woman sitting alone.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
|
|
WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
|
Today's groaner was sent in by Believer...
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
|
|
THEY SAID IT!
|
"Incompetence and ineptitude on the part of this government on September 11th and in the weeks and months leading up to it are established. The fact that the government would permit deception after a deception, whether honestly, if you can call it that, honestly intended or not. But the fact that they were continue and perpetuate the lie, suggests that we need a full investigation of what is going on and what is demonstrably an incompetent and at worst deceitful federal government.... Incredible."
- CNN's Lou Dobbs, treading where others fear to... um... tread, I suppose.
*** **** ***
"1-800-SUICIDE, the nation's best known, private and confidential suicide prevention hotline network, will be shut off at midnight tonight unless action is taken. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration (SAMHSA), a division of HHS, has decided to end all funding for KBHC while continuing to owe them $266,000 from over 2 years ago. Instead of sending the funds that were already allocated, SAMHSA has gone on to create their own competing crisis hotline -- which gives them access to callers' private information through phone records. 1-800-SUICIDE does not disclose its phone records to the federal government."
- If you want to help keep your drunken suicidal rants private and confidential, check out Save1899Suicide.org and surf around a bit.
|
|
ON THIS DAY
|
August 3
NICE TITS! SHAME ABOUT THE FACE.
|
A couple interesting "firsts" took place on this day. It was on this day in 1527 that the first known letter was sent from North America. It was written by mariner John Rut and mailed to England's King Henry from St. John's, Newfoundland. It was also on this day, in the year 1678, that construction on the American continent's first full-sized sailing ship was completed. Built by Robert LaSalle, Le Griffon was a sixty-foot, forty-five ton vessel that cruised the Great Lakes for only a few short weeks before disappearing without a trace.
On this day in 1934, megalomaniacal runt Adolf Hitler becomes the supreme leader of Germany when he combines the offices of President and Chancellor into the single, all-powerful position of Führer. It was all downhill from there.
On this day in 2004, the Statue of Liberty opens for business after being closed since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Better get out to see her now, while you still can.
On this day in the year 1966, revolutionary "stand-up comic" Lenny Bruce injects a gorilla-dose of morphine into himself and dies for our sins.
On this day in the year 2000, a dignified young lady with a positive body-image surprises the cast and crew of the Today Show by opening her shirt and flashing her flesh-puppies all over the air-waves. Unfortunately for the rest of us, only those who live on the East Coast got to see the display, as such incidents get edited out as the show makes its way across time-zones.
|
|
READER'S SOAPBOX!
|
Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: WINGNUT VS. MOONBAT
care of: Lucien B.
Jerky,
I was sitting down to dinner last night with my girlfriend and her 16-1/2 year old daughter. The girl, a nationally placed debater, reflecting on her recent experiences at debate camp, discussed a whole new format of debate which takes the debate topic to the psychology of the opponent team instead of the traditional trading of facts mixed with emotional pleading. She was using a term unfamiliar to me, postmodernism, a term I learned is fuzzy philosophical logic using extreme negativism to explain everything.
During the ensuing discussion, I realized not only that some young people are better informed, but also better prepared to evaluate all sides of an issue from more than just the two dimensional perspectives, but also from the viewpoint of history, psychology and social intent. Talking from a "postmodernistic" position, she, naturally, was a skeptic and quick to denounce the positions of everyone. Sine she has not had enough years to see the upside of positive change, the value of humor in face of adversity and the power of cooperative effort and all that eluded her.
What disturbed me most was her lack of hope for the future of the world and how she would be an instrument of positive change. It was this that spurned on the dissidents of all important stages of this countries past from the pilgrims to the peaceniks. What this has been replaced by is an abandonment of the general welfare for a desire to leverage personal advancement and fortune.
With this long introduction, I am attempting to evaluate the differences between the two sides you aired in Wingnot or the Moondbat (2006-07-27). In both arguments, it is the concept of hopelessness that has not been addressed by either side. Neither the conservative nor liberal positions ever addressed the responsibility of our society to instill a sense of opportunity and community in its citizens.
It is our area of commonality, not our differences that offer our salvation. Our whole country was founded on this principle. If we can find a way to convince both sides to embrace a position to encourage optimism not despair; show there is more to be gained through cooperation that adversity, and investment rather than charity, we will win this battle.
The liberal, generally has believed in the power and resources of the group as the answer, while the conservative adopts the position that the power resides in individuals who have demonstrated individual success as the answer. In a perfect world, absent of greed, either of these positions would work equally well.
But such is not the case. Both sides are equally afflicted with greed and addicted to the desire for power. Yet, in effect, both positions need to capitalize on cooperation to succeed. Here is where a major shift in political and social institutions can change the course of this country as it did throughout history when faced with devastating consequences. It happened during the American Revolution and again during the bombing of Pearl Harbor to quell the effects of The Depression.
Our most recent opportunity was 9/11 (but we failed to opt for cooperation to solve that crisis and, instead, chose aggression to polarize the populace). Soon we will have another opportunity, when our whole economic system crashes due to an over abundant spending and reliance on our military. We will then again, need to pool our meager resources of brain, brawn and finance using cooperation to overcome the resounding crash of our institutions, both economic and political. It will be cooperative action, not resounding rhetoric that will lead us out of our despair.
And so it goes...
Lucien
[Thanks, Lucien. That was excellent. - Jerky]
|
FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
|
jerky the other Sunday l was watching football on TV and while switching channels between games up popped that old conman jimmy swaggert this is the first time l've seen him since he got out of gaol he has obviously had a face lift/plastic surgery or what ever but one thing you can't take away from him is his fine voice and his piano playing ability l really enjoyed that of course to listen to this you had to listen to his ranting. it seemed to me the message he was trying to get across was we should acclaim him as the second coming of john the Baptist he had a cure for all the worlds ills he can cure homosexuals with a prayer and a snap of the fingers and he caught me of guard when he ripped into George bush's policy in Iraq apparently if George talked to him [jimmy] about it with a couple of prayers he would have that mess sorted out in no time at all l was surprised at this because l had all ways been under the impression that all these religion conmen were in the George bush camp but l have to admit it was an entertaining half hour Buck
[Say what you will about the man, but you can't fault his showmanship. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Dear Jerky; Here are some names for that military themed amusement park: Jobs of the Future... Today!; Military Fun Zone; War Machine; Happy Fun Time Bullet Place; Ghetto Life... I could go on. Darth Pacific
[That's okay. Give other people a chance! - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Sir J.L. Re; military theme amusement park, how 'bout Kissimmee Ass Goodbye? YOPgrumpy
[Jerky LIKES! - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Jerky... Here's a great little Flash cartoon that kind of creeped me out... - SofaKing
[You don't find it comforting that your government is watching over you at all times? - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Hey, Jerky... I'm just fanning the flames surrounding your mysterious absense. I actually seem to remember various periods in the life of the Dirt where there was some down time for some reason or other. I assume this is the case again. Hopefully, we'll see you back in good form soon. And even if you did write this current Dirt, you quite obviously "phoned it in". It's no surprise that your fans recognize your writing style and would be suspicious of anything less than the caliber they've come to expect. Looking forward to the coming days... YOP, SofaKing
[Rumors of my replacement by some kind of "Jerkytron 3000" have been greatly exaggerated. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Hey there Jerks, Have you ever noticed that these Thai people sound just like the Republicans who send you hate mail? Now I understand that Thai people don't natively speak english and so it makes sense it's a little "gibberishy" but the what the fuck are the wingnuts' excuse?!
yop Spasmolytic46
[Mental retardation. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Hey Jerky; This probably will not qualify for your top 13, but fuck it, the DOD's ideas are a lot worse than mine. And another fucking thing, if the DOD pulls this shit off, I'm wondering if it will boost military recruitment? Is that their hope? Just a thought. One final thought about this amusement park, in honor of Dubya, they should let the rich kids in free and make them pay to get out!!! YOPGessier
TOP 13 NAMES FOR MILITARY BASED AMUSEMENT PARK!
13. Privates of the Carabine
12. One Flag Over America
11. Detroit
10. Bush Gardens' Closed Casket & Casino
9. New World Ordinance
8. Juggernauts' Bury Farm
7. Death On Demand (DOD) Amusement Park
6. The Tragic Kingdom
5. Bloodthirsty's Bucket O' Bullets
4. King's Dumb Minions
3. Hitler's Wet & Wild Dreams (or Mein Boot Kampf)
2. Arlington Awaits
1. Follywood
[Nice job! - Jerky]
|
|
From girls : gSYjEE rusian girls for fucking
|
From sfjkboqzv pzamtf : qjgtplakh ygilk ltsebimc fgust ojybdr fpqmtohv cpabf
|
From fcbwgej swlrvqi : inet lynt zasd dtuhei hrmgznel mgnprfw cqspaizw
|
From SofaKing : Anyone else NOT having fun?
|
From YOPF : FireFox 3 - 20mb (preview) files, 3 - 40mb files, 2 CIF/ISO around 700mb, 1 ISO - 2.7gb file. 15gb of hosting space left. 15gb available bandwith - but my host doesn't allow torrent files. Any hosting help would be appreciated. I gotta tell ya though - they are going to be quite controversial. I can email you a link and password to watch a preview file - so you can decide. And thanks, that offer was "hella-nice"!
|
From FireFox : Do you have any webspace available, YOPF? How large are the files? I could maybe host them for you if nothing else.
|
From YOPF : That's funny but true, sofaking - I guess, I've become desperate - i've searched (alot) - nowhere can i find anysite or anyone that addresses this - they all just say that if you want to upload torrent files you must disable the firewall or firewall connected users can't connect to you. It seems to me that simply opening select ports in my firewall and my router should work - but the torrent programmers say it wont. Sigh*
|
From SofaKing : YOPF... I think you may be asking for advice from the wrong site. I could be wrong but my guess is you are more likely to learn how to make a bong out of a shampoo bottle than you would learn about bit torrents.
Oh, and I'm not having fun with this whole "change is-a comin'", weird, secret-Jerky thing anymore. Just come clean, will ya?
|
From YOPF : I'm getting ready to post/link (online) some large & unique movies that I made and I understand that I am supposed to disable my firewall so that firewall protected bit torrent users can connect to my computer for download - Jeeze, but that's a huge security risk! Do any of you geeks out-there know of a better way to make torrent files available? I do not want to disable my firewall.
|
From ThousandDemons : Heya Jerky, thought I'd seen her before! Damn short term, long term and OTHER memory! And yeah, what are these changes that are coming?
And SofaKing, whyever not?
|
From SofaKing : I'm not having fun anymore.
|
From YOPF : Okay, maybe this is the real Jerky. But Jerky, if it is you - don't be a Jerk - the suspense is killing me...what big changes are coming? Fess Up Already.
|
From archereon : The thais arent as bad as the repards. Their english is better
|
From Rajesh Rathod : Is the Government watching you.
I live in India. For most of us there is absolutely no monitoring. The Governemnt does spy on us. Bank, telecom companies, ISP has absolutely no technology or the bandwidth to spy on us.
Life was great. But off-late, every time there is perceived treath to US/UK from Al-Quida BUsh people will say that Metros in India are also targetted. Got few people scared.
The worst part is your Govt. Is providing us technologies for spying on general public.
Your Govt.is making our li
|
From FireFox : Not necessarily, Rasty. You know the inter-tubes get clogged up. They could have sent that internet Thursday and it just now got here today.
|
From RASTY : Working on Sunday?O well Pal, A man has to do what a man has to do.
|
From Jerky : Thank YOU Sindy! And 1000Demons, seeing as this is the fifth year I've run that photo and caption, I'd say you're correct.
|
From Sindy : Loved the Dirt today, Jerky - THANKS!
|
From ThousandDemons : You reckon "shame about the face" with the chick in the Statue of Liberty pic? Hmm...I dunno...I think she's kinda pretty...is this another case where you're trying to convince us that she's ugly when she's really kinda hot?
|
|
|
