|
|
SIGNS OF LIFE?
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
|
|
TEN GOOD JOKES...
|
Today's first joke was sent in by Andres Raid!
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, a band, and a clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Jim Eby for sending in today's second joke.
A teacher is explaining biology to her students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'Fuck!' the rottweiler ate him!"
*** **** ***
Today's third joke was sent in by Mark!
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband inquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and inquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon!"
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Kerusty Kerlown for sending in today's fourth joke.
Gennaro is in Italy for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day, and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian communityholds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?"
He replies,"I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over, and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He cries, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tella me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this is true!"
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."
Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God. I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"
*** *** ***
Today's fifth joke was sent in by Mark!
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of me wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Kerusty Kerlown for sending in today's sixth joke.
Q: What do women and condoms have in common?
A: They both spend more time in yr wallet than on your dick!
*** *** ***
Today's seventh joke was sent in by Jim Eby!
Len was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, She looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Nan or Ben for sending in today's eighth joke.
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out. Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."
*** *** ***
Today's ninth joke was sent in by Sindy!
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time --- but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Brummbaer for sending in today's tenth joke.
While I was watching the NFL playoff games one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for having living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
|
|
...AND FIVE BAD ONES!
|
Today's first groaner was sent in by Kerusty Kerlown...
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About a half mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you fuck off? I'm trying to have a shit!"
*** **** ***
Today's second groaner was sent in by Nan or Ben...
Young Schmitty was taking confession, when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes Schmitty, indeed it is a sin... Look at the two beautiful brothers you have!"
*** **** ***
Today's third groaner was sent in by N8Possibilities...
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
"SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING."
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
"SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY."
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
"NUDIST COLONY: Go slow and watch out for chicks!"
*** **** ***
Today's fourth groaner was sent in by Kerusty Kerlown...
Q: What can you say about a lovesick eel?
A: That's a moray!
*** **** ***
Today's first Buddhist koan of a joke was sent in by Mitch Di Veto...
If a man stands in the middle of the forest and makes a statement and there is no woman around to hear him is he still wrong?
|
|
THEY SAID IT!
|
"I've discovered a true phenomenon. You can take dead leaves, they come in contact with the water, they become full of life again. Bugs or insects that are near death, come in contact with the water, they'll fly away. It's an amazing thing, very, very exciting."
- Master illusionist David Copperfield claims to have found the Fountain of Youth on a tropical island he bought a few years back. Yer old pal Jerky suspects the flamboyant performer is merely laying the groundwork for his gretest magic trick yet... making all the money disappear from gullible old ladies' wallets!
*** **** ***
"A strict reading of the Bible shows Satan to be less like Darth Vader and more and more like an overzealous prosecutor. He's not so much the proud and angry figure who turns away from God as a Joseph McCarthy or J. Edgar Hoover. Satan's basic intention is to uncover wrongdoing and treachery, however overzealous and unscrupulous the means. But he's still part of God's administration. If Satan isn't really in opposition to God and he isn't really evil, then that means the fight between good and evil isn't an authentic part of Christianity. What I'm saying will be scandalous to some people."
- In his new book Satan: A Biography, professor Henry Ansgar Kelly argues that the Bible actually provides a kinder, gentler version of the infamous antagonist than typically thought.
*** **** ***
"The so-called religious organizations which now lead the war against the teaching of evolution are nothing more, at bottom, than conspiracies of the inferior man against his betters. They mirror very accurately his congenital hatred of knowledge, his bitter enmity to the man who knows more than he does, and so gets more out of life. ... What they propose to do, at bottom and in brief, is to make the superior man infamous -- by mere abuse if it is sufficient, and if it is not, then by law."
- Could legendary crummudgeon H.L. Mencken find work in the newspaper trade today? Probably not, argues blogger Brian Leiter.
*** **** ***
"I truly think we're at one of those turning points where the future's looking so ugly nobody wants to face it. We're not talking some temporary Arab embargo anymore. We're not talking your father's energy crisis."
- Matthew Simmons, a Houston energy investment banker who has advised Preznit Dubya on oil policy, trying to freakus all the fuck out.
*** **** ***
"I don't mind when my jokes die because they go to heaven and get 72
virgin jokes."
- Apparently Islamic comedy does exist, after all.
*** **** ***
"Terrorism is the war of the poor, and war is the terrorism of the rich."
- Sir Peter Ustinov, actor and humanitarian.
|
|
ON THIS DAY
|
August 7
On this day in 1998, a massive truck bomb explodes outside the U.S. embassy in Nairobi, Kenya. Minutes later, another bomb goes off outside the embassy in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. Two hundred and twenty four people, including 12 Americans, die in the attacks. 4,500 more are wounded. At the time, all signs pointed towards disgruntled Saudi construction scion Osama bin Laden.
Thirteen days later, on August 20, President Bill Clinton ordered cruise missiles launched against bin Laden's terrorist training camps in Afghanistan, and against a pharmaceutical plant in Sudan, where bin Laden was allegedly making or distributing chemical weapons.
Reaction from traitorous, seditious Republicans was swift. Clinton, they claimed, was "wagging the dog" -- borrowing the title of a movie that was actually based on former President Reagan's ass-covering farce of an invasion in Grenada, which was hastily thrown together to deflect criticism of the disastrous Beirut barracks bombing in which 242 Marines were killed -- to deflect attention from the blooming Monica Lewinsky scandal. Because, of course, in the minds of such ethical luminaries as Trent Lott and Bob Barr and Jesse Helms and Dan Burton and on and on, ad infinitum, Clinton's actions couln't possibly have been to avenge the murders of a couple hundred darkies on the least important continent on the planet! Such a move, for these racist, scum-sucking GOP jackasses, could ONLY be either a diversionary tactic, or a waste of good missiles!
Consider the above when reading THIS REPORT by Time Magazine, which makes this administration and it's lackeys' attempts to pin the blame for 9-11 on Clinton seem all the more vile, preposterous, and motivated by a need to cover their own guilty fucking asses.
August 8
On this day in 1955, a conference is held in Geneva to discuss potential "peaceful uses" for the atomic bomb. Yer old pal Jerky's favorite suggestion? Use a few thousand to carve the moon into a continent-sized bust of Ludwig von Beethoven!
On this day in 1876, some dude by the name of Dan O'Leacy finishes a 500-mile walk that takes him exactly 139 hours and 32 minutes to complete. That reminds yer old pal Jerky of the time he forgot his car keys on his desk, and had to walk all the way back from the parking lot to fetch them, then walk all the way back to his car, afterwards. That felt like it took 139 hours and 32 minutes to complete, too.
On this day in 1974, while Tricky Dick Nixon was being flown back to the neofascist cradle-forge of Orange County with his forked tail tucked between his waxy, sallow legs, newly sworn-in President Gerald Ford goes on television and declares: "My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over." Encore! Encore! If you're up there, God, yer old pal Jerky beseeches you... before it's too fucking late... Give us a fucking ENCORE!!!
August 9
PUSSY.
|
On this day in 1969, members of Charles Manson's "family" butcher Sharon Tate and four of her friends in Beverly Hills. The next day, Manson -- upset with his underlings for their lack of murderous panache -- orders his crew out on another raid "to show you how it's done." Charlie had forgotten one thing, however: his all-consuming cowardice. The trash-talking, acid-gobbling midget FREAK had to leave the room before his brain-fried followers slaughtered the victims Charlie, himself, had picked... the LaBianca family. Fuckin' hippies, maaan!
On this day in 1999, Jennifer Paterson -- the taller, uglier, manlier half of the blubbersome but lovable cooking duo the Two Fat Ladies -- dies at the age of 71, which ain't too bad considering she smoked, drank, and ate to her heart's content every day of her hedonistic life. Disapointingly, Jennifer's longtime companion and co-host Clarissa has yet to respond to yer old pal Jerky's offer to step into her dearly departed chum's empty shoes. I could have made you so happy, Clarissa... (sigh)
On this day in 1936, American Olympian Jesse Owens throws a wrench into Adolf Hitler's plans to use the Berlin Olympics as a showcase for the superiority of Aryan Nazi Supermen when he wins his fourth gold medal of the games. The first person to run over and congratulate Jesse, in full view of a flustered Fuhrer, was the giant, smiling Nazi Luz Long, about whom Jesse Owens would one day write: "You could melt down all the medals and cups I have, and they wouldn't be a plating on the 24-carat friendship I felt for Luz Long." This goes a long way towards confirming one of yer old pal Jerky's long-held suspicions: There's just no telling!
August 10
RED HOT TELEGRAPH SEX!!!
|
On this day in the year 1866, the Transatlantic Telegraph Cable -- one of mankind's greatest technological triumphs -- is finally completed. Once he's announced this milestone to the American people, president James Buchanan proceeds to spend the rest of the day masturbating furiously while engaging in "morse-code-sex" with Queen Victoria.
On this day in 1948, Allen Funt's Candid Camera TV show debuts on ABC. Chaos ensues.
On this day in 1987, the Dow Jones Industrial Average breaks through the elusive 2,600 point ceiling for the first time ever. Of course, what goes up must eventually come down, and if shit keeps hitting fan, we may well live to see 2,600 again. Jerky's advice for riding out the coming storm? Sink all your capital in ammunition, gas generators and out-of-the-way real estate.
August 11
On this day in 1984, Carl Lewis duplicates Jesse Owens' 1936 feat, by winning 4 Olympic track gold medals, which you gotta admit is pretty impressive for the old dude who played Grampa Munster. Dude must have been on steroids or something.
On this day in the year 1984, during preparations for a radio broadcast, president Ronald Reagan picks up a microphone and says: "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today, that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." Unfortunately, Ronnie had failed to notice that the mic was already on, and that his little "joke" was being heard by thousands of pants-shitting Americans, who'd been rendered beat-dog flinchy by the hyperbolic rhetoric of the Cold War's dying days.
On this day in 1972, the mayor officially decrees it to be Cheech and Chong Day in the city of San Antonio, Texas. Twenty years later, the federal government passes an Omnibus bill which includes vaguely-worded laws that make it illegal to sell "bongs" but not "water pipes." Twelve years after that, Tommy Chong is sentenced to nine months in jail for marketing a line of water pipes called Chong's Bongs. What the fuck happened between then and now?
August 12
On this day in 1953, the Soviet Union test-detonates their so-called Layer Cake Bomb -- a 400-kiloton device fueled by layers of uranium and lithium deuteride -- in Kazakhstan. In response, the Pentagon cranks things up a notch by creating both a Bundt Cake Bomb and an Apple Brown Betty Bomb, both of which are devastatingly powerful... and irresistibly scrumptious!
According to the show's creator -- and included in the script of a birthday episode -- it was on this day in the year 1757 that the hideous, be-warted muppet-alien known as ALF was born, or hatched, or whatever. Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALF, you gone-and-mostly-forgotten piece of shit!
On this day in 1907, the world's first-ever motorized taxicab hits the streets in New York City. Later that same evening, the world's first-ever cabbie wipes the first-ever gob of semen left behind by the first-ever pervert fare.
August 13
On this day in 1928, New Jersey radio station WRNY becomes the first to broadcast a television image: a woman's face on a video "canvas" about 1.5 inches square, which was maintained for ten minutes. Which means there was about the same amount of quality programming on the air back then as there is now.
Happy birthday to Donny Osmond-throttling, transvestite prostitute-punching Patridge Family alumnus, Danny Bonaduce!
Also born on this day, trailblazing televangelist scam-artist Rex Humbard (1919), Cuban revolutionary dictator Fidel Castro Ruz (1927), and Hawaiian ukulele-slinger Don Ho (1930).
On this day in 1831, an atmospheric disturbance causes the sun to appear blue-green, which mystical-minded slave Nat Turner takes to be a most prodigious portent. This causes him to organize a slave uprising in the state of Virginia. The revolt was so bloody, many historians refer to it as the First War, with the Civil War being the Second War. On the road to Jerusalem, VA, Nat and his growing army of slaves killed fifty-five white folks, who then turn around and killed a hundred-plus black folks, many of whom had nothing to do with the uprising. Ahhh... the GOOD OLD DAYS!!!
August 14
VJ DAY! On this day in 1945, reeling from a thermonuclear one-two punch, the nation of Japan surrenders unconditionally to the United States of America, thus ending World War II... except, of course, for the few die-hards who toughed it out on deserted jungle islands for lonely decades out of devotion to Emperor-God Hirohito, who sold them out to save his own ass.
On this day in 1969, in a pasture rented from Max Yasgur in rural Sullivan County, New York, hundreds of thousands of people* came together for the opening day of the now legendary Woodstock Music and Art Fair. All the greatest musical acts of the day were in attendance, and a truly groovy time was had by all... except those poor souls unfortunate enough to have taken the brown acid before word got out that it was bad shit, maaan. Afterwards, according to bloviating crumudgeons who really had no clue, it took a decade to clean up the filthy mess left behind by those darn hippies, and the cloying stench of patchouli still lingers at the site. Thirty years later, in 1999, the much-hyped Woodstock III -- brought to you by Pepsico! -- turned into a celebration of arson, rape and assorted mayhem.
* including bikers, hippies, yippies, high school kids, college kids, Viet Nam vets, and a whole bunch of uncategorizable freakazoids who went on to lucrative positions in the securities and exchange industry.
August 15
On this day in 1096, emboldened by the success of Spain in rolling back their Moorish occupiers, Pope Urban II (a Frenchy!) orders the launch of the First Crusade to re-conquer Jerusalem from the Islamic Turks, who inherited it from Arab conquerers, who had taken it over from the Byzantine Empire, which inherited it when Rome split up. Any further back than that, and it gets kind of confusing. Anyway, since then, chaos hasn't stopped ensuing.
On this day in 1991, three-quarters-of-a-million people attend Paul Simon's free concert in Central Park for some reason.
On this day in 1912, TV chef Julia Child is born, just two days after she died. Holy fuck! How is that even possible?! Oh yeah. Different year. Duh.
August 16
Carl Panzram, one of the most unapologetically evil fuckers ever to roam the planet, is arrested for the last time in his miserable, misbegotten life on this day in 1928. Born to a couple of Minnesota dirt farmers, Carl got off to a rolling start when he was incarcerated for public drunkenness at the ripe old age of eight years old. From that point on, his life would be half-spent in Christian correctional schools, county lockups and state penitentiaries. The other half of his life was devoted to theft, arson, forced buggery, child rape, serial thrill-killing... you name the evil deed, and Panzram was an authority. During the course of his long career as an almost elemental force for evil, he plied his Satanic trade on four continents, murdering untold numbers of victims, including six men in one day, whom he killed during a crocodile hunt in Africa. Truly, Carl Panzram was too evil to live.
On this day in the year 1977, the King of Rock and Roll dies on his throne when his heart explodes from overstraining while trying to squeeze out a grey, cement-like loaf of hardened, compacted shit from his colon. Yer old pal Jerky has always thought that it would have been fitting to bury the parasitic Doctor Nick and the Colonel with Elvis, much like in Ancient Egypt, where the most loyal servants of Pharoah used be be buried alive with their masters.
On this day in 1987, the Astrological Harmonic Convergence ushers in a new age of wonders, cheif among them being the idea that tarted-up Rat-Packer Shirley MacLaine has anything of any value whatsoever to say about the spiritual evolution of human-kind.
August 17
"MISTER TREVINO'S BEEN HIT!"
|
On this day in the year 1973, golfer Lee Trevino snags his first -- that's right, there were others -- hole-in-one. Later on, as if to remind Mr. Trevino of the astronomical odds against repeating such a feat, God sends down a lightning bolt to knock him on his ass.
On this day in 1962, the Beatles replace drummer Pete Best with Ringo Starr. Chaos ensues.
On this day in 1999, an earthquake measuring 7.4 on the Richter scale strikes Turkey, along the North Anatolian fault line. Hitting in the middle of the night, the quake killed thousands as their homes collapsed on top of them. 17,000 people died. Damages totaled over $6.5 billion. It was one of the worst natural disasters of the 20th century. It happened seven years ago. Do you remember it? Because yer old pal Jerky doesn't.
August 18
On this day in 1227, the merciless Genghis Khan -- who, beginning as a juvenile delinquent gang-leader in his early teens, led one of the most expansive and successful world conquests in history, laying the foundations for a family dynasty that lasted centuries -- dies after a long illness. Near the Xi Xia region of China at the time of his death, Khan's soldiers march their beloved leader's corpse back to Mongolia, killing every living thing that crosses their path along the way. How fuckin' cool is that?! As for yer old pal Jerky, I just hope people refrain from pissing on my corpse.
On this day in 1686, astronomer Cassini reports seeing a satellite orbiting Venus. Last year, nearly half a millenium later, the Cassini deep space probe discovered two new moons around Saturn. That's almost too fucking cool.
August 19
On this day in the year 1972, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that a drunken, bare-naked George Dubya Bush snorted a line of cocaine off a stripper's belly in a Tijuana tavern while his buddies beat the bartender's blind old hound dog to death with their fat fucking wallets.
On this day in the year 2000, the infamous PUSSY MONSTER makes her debut in the Daily Dirt! She quickly becomes a reader favorite, even receiving a number of marriage proposals from smitten suitors over the years. Sorry boys, she's all mine!
On this day in 1934, by dint of a national plebecite, the German people hand over sole executive power to Adolph Hitler. The vote was thirty-eight million for Hitler to four million, two hundred and fifty thousand against... which means he had an approval rating of 88%. Which, by today's degraded political standards, means he was GOOD, right?
August 20
On this day in 1913, contrary to the cowardly reputation of his fellow countrymen, Adolphe Pegoud -- a Frenchman -- becomes the first person dumb enough to test-drive a parachute. It opens, and Pegoud survived, but he hit the ground at something like thirty miles per hour. Ayoye, tabarnac!
On this day in 1940, Soviet secret agent Frank Jackson is invited into Leon Trotsky's heavily-guarded Mexican safehouse, where he pulls out an ice axe and buries it deep in the prolific communist intellectual-in-exile's skull. How Jackson managed to penetrate Trotsky's thick and wiry nimbus of a hairdo, yer old pal Jerky has yet to figure out.
On this day in the year 1986, mailman Patrick Sherrill arrives for work at the Edmund, Oklahoma (pop. 35,000) Post Office, pulls out a gun and starts to pick off his co-workers one-by-one. Sherrill's rampage leaves 14 people dead, and forever cements the public perception of postal workers as being two rounds short of a full clip.
On this day in 1989, those wacky Menendez brothers murder their parents. Media-fueled chaos ensues.
August 21
On this dark night in the year 31,430 BC, the last living Neanderthal hides in a cave while a Cro-magnon hunting party waits outside, screaming and hurling rocks, gathering up their courage to go in after him. The Neanderthal, who's just watched these same blood-thirsty killers butcher his entire family, realizes his situation is hopeless. Alone in the cold, damp darkness, he tilts back his head and howls one last time at a moon he will never see again.
On this day in 1911, some crazy eye-tie by the name of Vincenzo Peruggia strolls into Paris' Louvre museum, walks up to Leonardo Davinci's masterpiece, the Mona Lisa, takes it down from the wall, slips it under his coat, then brazenly walks right out the door with it. Two and a half years later, Peruggia is apprehended after trying to sell the priceless treasure to an Italian art dealer. This a fine, illustrative example of the old physiological dictum stating that testicular volume one carries around in one's pants is usually inversely proportionate to the amount of grey matter one has in one's skull.
It will be on this day in 2017 that the next total solar eclipse will be visible from North America. Chaos will probably already have ensued by then.
August 22
On this day in 1992, the second day of the stand-off, federal law enforcement officers close in on Randy Weaver's deep-woods hideaway at Ruby Ridge. At one point, as the Weavers try to bury their 14 year old son -- who was shot and killed by a federal officer after he shot and killed a federal officer for shooting his dog -- sharpshooters open fire, killing Weaver's wife while she held their baby daughter in her arms. Meanwhile, around the nation, for the first time in their lives, big dumb white guys begin to worry about police brutality. By the way, contrary to popular right-wing mythology, the President of the USA at the time was George Herbert Walker Bush, and NOT Bill Clinton.
August 23
On this day in 1968, drummer Ringo Starr quits the Beatles over a minor disagreement. He soon comes to the terrifying realization that he's RINGO STARR, for fuck's sake, and promptly returns, tail tucked tightly between his legs, acting as though nothing had happened. Taking pity on him, John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison let it slide.
On this day in 1863, a Confederate-sympathizing, slavery-supporting reprobate by the name of William C. Quantrill leads 450 guerrila-style "raiders" in a violent attack on the city of Lawrence, Kansas. The rampaging army -- which included the infamous James and Younger crime gangs -- burned down most major buildings in the city, and killed over 200 men and boys. Whatta buncha fuckin' assholes.
Yer old pal Jerky predicts that on this day in the year 2013, the alphabet will go the way of the Morse Code, as all human beings who manage to survive the devastating "Common Cold Plague" have their brains implanted with tiny microchips that allow all twelve of them to be in constant telepathic communication with each other, using Bluetooth technology.
August 24
Even though their nation didn't exist at the time, many Canadians consider August 24 of 1814 to be their finest hour. Why? Because that's the day they woke up on the wrong side of their igloos, crept on tippy-toes to Washington DC, and burned down the Capital building. To that yer old pal Jerky says: Whoopdy-fuckin' shit! We were gonna remodel it, anyway!
On this day in 1572, the Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre takes place in France when King Charles IX -- acting on the wishes of his mother, Catherine de Medici -- orders the assassination of French Protestant leaders, known as Hugenots, who were attending the marriage of their leader, Navarre, to the King's sister, in Paris. Once word got out the the King's men were killing Protestant leaders, Frenchmen across the nation went fricking bonkers, massacring any Protestant they could get their hands on. Despite a royal proclamation to cease and desist, the killings went on into October, by which time nearly seventy thousand French Protestants had been slaughtered. Meanwhile, up in heaven, Jesus and God look at each other and shake their heads in disbelief.
On this day in the year 79 AD, the European continent's only active volcano, Vessuvius, blows its top. Thousands die, asphyxiated by clouds of hot, poison gas, and the vibrant Roman cities of Pompeii and, less famously, Herculaneum, are buried under a thick layer of steaming mud and ash. The dead cities lay undisturbed and preserved for millennia until, in the eighteenth century, archeological excavations began. They continue to this very day. Priceless art treasures and great, formative works of philosophy, literature and science were discovered, fuelling the Enlightenment. Today, Vessuvius is still active, and scientists claim it's only a matter of time before she pops off again. Nearly a million people live in her "kill zone." Who knows? Maybe in another two thousand years they'll be digging up empty Brio bottles and copies of L'Espresso magazine and marvelling at the wonder of it all.
August 25
On this day in 1835, the New York Sun begins running a series of stories about astronomer John Herschell's discovery -- with the help of an immensely powerful South African telescope -- of a society of inteligent, bat-like humanoids on the moon. Although almost forgotten today, the Great Moon Hoax of 1835 remains the greatest prank in the history of journalism.
On this day in the year 1981, Mark David Chapman -- the man who gunned down John Lennon, and who also happens to be the spitting image of Bush operative Karl Rove (see image) -- is sentenced to spend 20 years to life behind bars for his crime.
On this day in 1996, Netscape launches Navio Communications. The new company was dedicated to integrating Netscape software into televisions, phones, cars, and other electronic devices. Thankfully, Bill Gates put a stop to that nonesense!
August 26
Memo to automobile manufacturers: NEVER roll out a new line of automobiles on this day, ever again. It was on this day in 1957 that the Ford Motor Company introduced the Edsel to the car-buying public. Named after Henry Ford’s son, Edsel Bryant, the Edsel was the first car built based on market research, which showed that consumers wanted more horsepower, tailfins, three-tone paint jobs, and wrap-around windshields. Apparently, Ford's executives didn't know then what yer old pal Jerky knows, now... mainly, that the vast majority of people are TOO FUCKING STUPID to know what they want.
Also, on this day in 1985, that Yugoslavian-built punchline-on-wheels known as the Yugo makes its North American debut. Remember Saturday Night Live's satirical commercial for the Adobe? The "little car that's made out of clay"? The Yugo wasn't much better.
On this day in 1883... KA-FUCKIN-BOOM!!! The island of Krakatoa (east of Java) blows up real good, killing 36,000 people in the process. Most died after being swept away by the humongous tidal waves that encircled the world's oceans after the ocean collapsed in on the smoking hole the explosion left behind. Ash and debris that had been blasted into the atmosphere by the explosion darkened the sky and cooled the planet for a year afterwards.
August 27
On this day in 1963, 15-year-old Ed Kemper murders his grandparents, then calls up his mother and explains: "I just wondered how it would feel to shoot Grandma." At the Atascadero State Hospital, he tries to convince the psychiatrists assigned to his case that he should never be released. They ignore his warnings, releasing him in 1969. 21 years old, a late adolescent growth-spurt sent Ed careening into NBA territory. He stood a full 6 feet, 9 inches tall, and weighed over 300 pounds. Within three years of his release, he started picking up hitch-hikers, raping them, killing them, and occasionally eating them... not necessarily in that order. Eventually, he made his way home and killed his mother -- probably fulfilling the underlying desire that had been driving his murderous rampage all along, seeing as he confessed to his crimes soon afterwards. Ed Kemper's most famous quote remains: "When I see a pretty girl, one side of me says, I'd like to talk to her, date her. The other side of me says, I wonder how her head would look on a stick?" Yer old pal Jerky groks, Ed, but you gotta take that shit to the can! Nobody gets hurt when you're flying solo, baby.
On this day in the year 1896, the nation of Zanzibar declares war on England at 9:02 AM. By 9:40 AM -- only 38 minutes later -- the war is over, with England scoring a decisive victory. HUZZAH!
On this day in 1994, somewhere in Los Angeles, vintage Sex in the City vamp Kim Catrall was probably having sex with someone other than yer old pal Jerky. I offer this up as proof of the ultimate powerlessness of prayer.
August 28
On this day in 1996, the divorce between England's Prince Charles and Diana Spencer becomes final, freeing the future King to pursue his longstanding equine interests -- both sporting and romantic -- and the then-future corpse to soak up Third World adulation and consort with Egyptian billionaire playboys. One year and two days later, Diana would perish in a plane crash or something. I don't really remember the details, seeing as the incident received such paltry media coverage.
On this day in the year 1981, Bush family friend John Hinckley Jr demonstrates mankind's boundless capacity for pig-headed refusal to admit the obvious when he pleads innocent to the charge that he attempted to kill President Ronald Reagan.
Forty-three years ago today -- on this day in 1963 -- Martin Luther King Jr stood on the steps of the Lincoln memorial in Washington D.C. and delivered one of the greatest speeches in the rich history of American oratory. Most of you have heard parts of it, but when you listen to the whole thing, you start to understand why The Powers That Be needed him gone.
August 29
According to the Roman Catholic Church, it was on this day in the year 29 AD that John the Baptist's head was chopped off by agents of Herod, as per a request by Salome. It was probably all for the best, though. Anybody who spouts shit like: "Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none; and whoever has food must do likewise (Matthew 3:11-12)" is a rotten communistic sonofabitch who deserves whatever bad luck comes his way.
On this day in 1533, 300 years of Inca civilization in the Andes mountains of Peru comes to a sudden end when Atahuallpa, 13th and final Inca emperor, is strangulated by conquistadors under the command of Spanish invader Francisco Pizarro. Almost immediately after their emperor's murder, the entire Inca population -- 12 million people who had previously enjoyed an impressive network of roads, indoor plumbing, an elaborate government, and a brilliant agricultural system -- drift into the jungle and essentially vanish from the face of the Earth.
On this day in 1949, the USSR successfully test their first atomic bomb, and the Cold War begins in earnest. Two positives emerge from this massive negative, however: Tang powdered orange (kinda) drink and the lyrics to Emerson, Lake and Powell's most excellent Touch and Go. Remember that tune? "All systems go / Friend or foe? / It all depends on the dice you throw / Comes without a warning, like a UFO / When you're running with the Devil it's touch and go." Kick ass tune, maaan.
August 30
In the chaotic, post-revolutionary period that followed America's War of Independence and preceded the establishment of the Constitutional Congress, former revolutionary army captain Daniel Shays led a months-long rebellion of farmers, debtors, and common working people against the arrogance, entitlement, corruption, graft and rampant mismanagement in which the nation's moneyed elites were engaged at the time. Things started really heating up in earnest on this day in 1786, when Shays and hundreds of his followers -- sprigs of hemlock stuck in their hats -- stormed and occupied a Northampton, Mass. courthouse to prevent the imprisonment of farmers who had defaulted on their debts. His occasionally violent actions helped speed up the process that led to the creation and implementation of America's Constitution.
On this day in 1979, scientists witness one of the rarest occurrences in the universe as a large comet hurtles directly into the heart of our sun, releasing the equivalent energy of roughly one MILLION hydrogen bombs.
August 31
On this day in 1888, London's self-pronounced Jack the Ripper claims his first victim, prostitute Mary Ann Nichols. Her mutilated corpse is discovered in the Whitechapel section of London's rough-and-tumble East End, and before too long, four more victims fall prey to his surgeon's scalpels. Five dead prostitutes. That's a pretty paltry haul, when you stop and think about our modern-day serial killers. Hell, the Green River Killer probably scored ten times that many! And yer old pal Jerky hears tell there are a couple of inbred Canadian pig farmers who could go through five hookers during the average three-day weekend. We've come a long way, baby!
On this day in the year 1955, the first-ever solar-powered automobile is demonstrated at a car show in Chicago. It was such a resounding technological and aesthetic success that soon EVERYONE was driving a solar-powered car. Today, it's hard to imagine a world without solar-powered automobiles.
On this day in 1935, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt signs the Neutrality Act, a piece of legislation prohibiting the export of American-made arms and munitions to belligerent nations. Over in Connecticut, the Nazi-affiliated Bush clan sulks and pouts.
On this day in 1887, mad inventor Thomas Alva Edison patents his Kinetoscope. Chaos ensues.
|
From mazda : c13t
|
From mazda : c23t
|
From elagueFlono : I'm new here, just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.
|
From cajnu nlyoxbwkt : pmhwrif emrjovnbw vuzx dxyjcq ufqndmoj thgpzwxe mzsyu
|
From girls : PIfb8V rusian girls for fucking
|
From NinyNobeJible : this bonus )
|
From ALbQASaGUs : paREEA
|
From ALbQASaGUs : paREEA
|
From ALbQASaGUs : paREEA
|
From zxevil : Tl8mNC r u crazzy? I told u! I can't read!
|
From zxevil : 84bKmH r u crazzy? I told u! I can't read!
|
From zxevil : uhHPGq r u crazzy? I told u! I can't read!
|
From zsiqbltce qfxgac : mdgix vzawqhju wqvmojxke cxbnge artw dgecfjzls cztadpbel
|
From Naittypatly : what is the half life of tramadol buy cheap tramadol hydrochloride ultram
tramadol 180 cheap cod keywords tramadol tramadol sends online will tramadol help with withdrawls taking tramadol before surgery dosages tramadol online tramadol free shipping tramadol hcl sude effects tramadol overseas tramadol 180 accept paypal
|
From emunkency : 1 news BUY TRAMADOL, CHEAP TRAMADOL, BUY TRAMADOL ONLINE, Canada Valium TRAMADOL Mark all topics read Topics Replies Author Views Last Post Welcome to phpBB 2 0 ...
2 news tramadol cod buy cheap cod online tramadol. Buy tramadol with american express. Tramadol great buy. Aloe vera extract taken from ...
|
From FreeStoring : hay!!
good project )
senks )
|
From name : doors.txt6
|
From name : doors.txt6
|
From TestName : Test myfunction comment
|
From TestName : Test myfunction comment
|
From name : doors.txt6
|
From TestName : Test myfunction comment
|
From TestName : Test myfunction comment
|
From name : doors.txt5
|
From ptkjolc xftme : xsvzcmtq awyhmzs docykgrmj yhkrxjfa tsbx plrc rhxtusc
|
From ptkjolc xftme : xsvzcmtq awyhmzs docykgrmj yhkrxjfa tsbx plrc rhxtusc
|
|
|
