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THE STORIES I MISSED -- PART ONE
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In the three-plus months since yer old pal Jerky began his involuntary semi-hiatus, an awful lot of crazy shit has gone down. Taken as a single, undifferentiated blur, these developments seem to constitute an acceleration in our civilization's headlong, lunatic sprint towards the zero point of Absolute Discombobulation. Some of these events were so juicy -- so pregnant with underexplored implications, quantum synchronicities and pseudo-allegorical heft -- that I felt a brief overview was in order.
Let's begin with the ostensibly non-political stories, those events cherry-picked, weaponized, then blasted into our reptilian brains by the Mainstream Media in a concerted, coordinated effort to distract us all from the true gravity of the current crisis...
What explanation besides psychological warfare can explain the weeks of round-the-clock coverage devoted to the bound-to-happen-sooner-or-later demise of hyperactive Aussie crocodile-taunter, Steve Irwin? Seeing as everyone from Bill Maher to Norm McDonald to the South Park boys have already taken their licks, I won't spend too much time on this story. Suffice it to say that he who swims with the fishes shouldn't be surprised when he ends up "swimming with the fishes", if you get my drift.
It's somewhat more difficult -- but not impossible -- to tease comedy out of the flurry of school shootings that began in late August. Kicked off by pathetic wannabe-vampire (and crappy shot) Kimveer Gill at Montreal's Dawson College, and climaxing with Charles Roberts' horrifying, rape-driven massacre of six Amish schoolgirls in Paradise, Pennsylvania, the lead was flying fast and thick through the halls of academe for a while there. Things have calmed down in recent weeks, but with exams and term paper deadlines coming up -- and the Secret Fascist Shadow Government's MKUltra researchers needing to test their latest batch of remote-control brain chip-implanted Manchurian Candidates -- can another scholastic bloodbath be far behind?
Let's see, what else happened since I took a powder? Hmmm… Oh yeah! Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle piloted his single-engine plane into a Manhattan high-rise apartment on 10-11-6 -- coincidentally the upside-down version of 9-11-01 -- giving stand-up comics of a certain vintage an excuse to recycle all their Thurman Munson jokes. A minor detail of this tragedy also allowed some conspiracy theory tsk-tskers an opportunity to cross their arms, smirk knowingly and say "See, Virginia? Passports do flutter down to the street after planes crash into buildings!"
That once-and-future tub'o'lard Anna Nicole Smith provided the tabloids with plenty of red meat over the last few months by losing her 20-year-old son Daniel to a drug overdose a mere three days after giving birth to a new baby girl in the Bahamas, where she and her creepy boyfriend, lawyer Howard K. Stern (no relation), are apparently planning to remain for the foreseeable future. The ensuing fracas included bickering over the identity of the new child's father, the unseemly delay before Daniel was put in the ground, eviction from an ex-boyfriend's condo, etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseum. Her son lucked out, if you ask me.
Preznit Dubya finally took action against the terrible scourge of online poker while I was gone. Thanks to his signing the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act, an activity enjoyed by an estimated 23 million Americans -- who wagered $6 billion last year alone -- was criminalized overnight. Why pass such a law at a time when the "gaming industry" is growing by leaps and bounds, with new casinos popping up all over the country and constant expansion of operations in Nevada and Atlantic City? Yer old pal Jerky doesn't know for sure, but has a sneaking suspicion it might have something to do with the fact that you don't have to drive to a website. So it's all about oil, as usual.
Speaking of which, is yer old pal Jerky the only one who discerned the irony in the feds announcing their intentions to hunt down Wesley Snipes for unpaid taxes on pretty much the same fucking day that they posthumously erased Kenron Lay's conviction, thus absolving the inheritors of his ill-gotten millions from having to make restitution? I think I speak for most of us when I say: "Run, Wesley! RUN!"
But probably the biggest story to break after my departure was one of the first… John Mark Karr's false confession to the murder of Jonbenet Ramsey. Even before Thai police delivered this Lee Harvey Oswald-look-alike with a nipple-chafing belt-line to American Homeland Security officials -- who promptly gave him a free ride home in first-class luxury -- the needle on yer old pal Jerky's bullshit detector was buried deep in the red zone. This, despite many Daily Dirt readers writing in to insist that I apologize for calling Jonbenet's murder an "inside job" over all these years.
In the months since Karr's fizzled mea culpa, countless questions have been raised about countless aspects of the story. Questions about what Karr meant when he called Jonbenet's death "an accident". Questions about John Ramsey's bizarre reaction to Karr's confession. Questions about Karr's communications with Patsy Ramsey before her cancer death this year. Questions about why Homeland Security got involved, about the "distraction" factor, about the shady characters involved in steering Karr towards his confession in the first place. And now, questions about the collapse of the child pornography charges against him, basically setting him loose after all that crazy bother. There are other websites better suited to covering these aspects of the Karr case. Rigorous Intuition, for instance. Just use the search feature and check the archives for some interesting tidbits and speculations.
For yer old pal Jerky's part, the Ramsey saga has always represented a particularly sordid, paradoxical puzzle-box that shares much in common with many recent unsolved crimes of far greater scope and scale. I refer now to the political assassinations of the 1960s, the murder of America's electoral process, the mass massacres of September 11, 2001, the illegal invasion of -- and ongoing butchery in -- Iraq, the wanton shredding of our Constitutional rights and freedoms, and countless other soul-shattering transgressions too numerous to list in this space.
What could Jonbenet's murder possible have in common with the above-listed crimes? Bluntly stated, in all of these cases, the identity of the perpetrators is blindingly obvious, yet maddeningly impossible to pin down in any definitive, systematic way. Jonbenet's murder delineates for us the limits of human reason, and offers an illustrative example of how our systematic shortcomings may be exploited by sufficiently clever and/or devious Dark Actors. It's the old cliché, in both micro and macro scales. The wealthy play by a different set of rules than the rest of us. Whether they do it by hiring lawyers to ruthlessly exploit legal loopholes and torture logic to the breaking point or by setting up the best supra-governmental military/industrial/intelligence/media complex money can buy is of little consequence. It's all the same shit, only in different sized piles.
Well, that's enough nonsense for this edition of the Dirt. The next edition -- which should appear in a few days -- will feature The Stories I Missed, Part TWO. These will include some of the less trivial stories I haven't been able to cover... things like the escalating Mideast Meltdown, America's upcoming stolen election, the abolishment of Habeas Corpus, rampant Republican corruption, the looming collapse of ecomonic and enrivonmental systems on a global scale, and so on.
In other words, it'll be a hoot! Don't any of you bitches miss it!
Cheers,
YOPJ
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Yer Old Pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #318:
Live fast, die young and leave an interesting blog.
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by McTubers!
A man keeps begging his wife to give him a blow-job.
She keeps saying, "But you won't respect me afterward, if I do that..."
He says, "No, no, no, I'll always respect you, forever and ever."
She says, "No, I don't think so."
He says, "But honey, all the thing s I've done for you, should surely show you that I will indeed, love you and respect you forever."
So, she gives in and does it and he thoroughly enjoys it.
She then asks him, "Well, was that a good one?"
He replies, "How the fuck should I know? You're the goddamn cocksucker!"
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Ernie Valdes for sending in today's second joke.
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shooting' the breeze...
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife's so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1stHillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Dave on Dope...
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ."
The first priest says, "No, son, you're not Jesus Christ."
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, "No, son, you're not Jesus Christ."
The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
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THEY SAID IT!
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"Freedom is under attack. Under attack by hysterical and well-funded Christian psychotics. Intellectually undernourished leaders who lie and manipulate information. Overfed Baby Huey coward bitch motherfuckers like Karl Rove and their suck-up winkling appologists like Sean Hannity. To question authority is to be somehow unpatriotic, un-American, and in league with terrorists world-wide? FUCK YOU."
- Henry Rollins blasts forth with a righteous fury about the looming demise of The Internet As We Know It.
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"The dictionary definition of the word 'terrorize' is simple and not open to misinterpretation: 'To fill or overpower with terror; terrify; to coerce by intimidation or fear.' Note please that the words violence and death are missing from that definition, for the key to terror, the key to terrorism, is not the act, but the fear of the act. That is why Bin Laden and his deputies and his imitators are forever putting together videotaped statements and releasing virtual informercials with dire threats and heart-stopping warnings. Why is the Republican party imitating them?"
- Keith Olbermann, a rare mainstream media voice speaking truth to power. Watch the video. And, hey, why not? Here's another good Olber-rant about Dubya's flip-flop on "staying the course", for good measure.
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"I tend not to email or — not only tend not to email, I don't email, because of the different record requests that can happen to a president. I don't want to receive emails because, you know, there's no telling what somebody's email may — it would show up as, you know, a part of some kind of a story, and I wouldn't be able to say, 'Well, I didn't read the email.' 'But I sent it to your address, how can you say you didn't?' So, in other words, I'm very cautious about emailing."
- Most press reports about Preznit Dubya's latest verbal up-trippage have concentrated his use of "the Google" to gaze longingly at satellite images of his hobby ranch in Crawford. The far more interesting second part of his quote, reproduced above, has been all but ignored. What could this Preznit, known for being the Snooper-in-Chief, possibly have to hide? And how stupid do you have to be to tell the press that you're worried about your paper trail and that you're trying to maintain plausible deniability?
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CLASSIC DIRT
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February 23, 1999: First published material from YOPJ!
PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF...
Hi, all. Jerky LeBoeuf here, your man in the City of Angels, by way of the Big Easy. Your old pal Pig McBaker has moved on to greener pastures, so, for the time being, we're stuck with each other. And, seeing as we ragin' Cajuns can never leave well enough alone, I'll probably be making some minor changes to the format in the near future. But all you dedicated sleaze hounds don't have to worry, I'll still be working overtime from my headquarters in a windowless room deep in the bowels of the Beverly Hills Holiday Inn to bring you your daily dose of all the scandals, jokes and bad advice that's fit to digitize and toss your way. Oh yeah... feel free to let me know how I'm doing, and keep the jokes coming!
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Jerky; I Come Home Each Day From This Shit Job I Go To So I Can Support My Family. I Miss My Wife, Kids, And Now I Am Going To Miss The Daily Dirt. I Really Hope That You Don't Stop Puting Out The Dirt. You Know, Between My Wife,Kids, Daily Dirt , These Just Kind Of Make My Day! It Sure As Shit Ain't Going To Be My Boss. It's Just A Paycheck That The IRS Can Grab Part Of And Try To Screw Up My Life. Well, Just A Thought, You Know. Ron
[Much appreciated, Ron. - Jerky]
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Jerkster: Sorry to hear of your troubles with the Dirt. I have been a faithful reader for 5+ years and have always been impressed with with your acumen in choosing the stories that you ran. Often, I have informed my friends and families of stories weeks and months before mainstream media dared or bothered to report them. Thanks again. Sincerely,
Chase Kayes
[I am honored to have been of some service. - Jerky]
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Dear Jerky; Thank you for everything you've done, man. I've been reading you since before we lost the country, and I'll read you until you're not online anymore. God bless and good luck. If you decide to blog, let us know. We're here to read your take on things. We'll all migrate like the geese we are. "I swear not to allow the prevailing American opinion that you hold any sort of authority over me to alter my knowledge that you and everyone else in this courtroom are a festering conglomerate of choades." -- Fascisto
[Festering conglomerate of choades? Excuse me while I tuck that one away for future use. - Jerky]
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Jerky, With things being as they apparently are, I'd just like to say that the dailydirt had the single most significant impact on my entire intellectual life in the post-911 world. You are an enormously compelling writer, and I have laughed myself to the point of crying on what I somehow through this crystal heaven dub recollect as being dozens of occasions. Most of all I'd like to thank you, please understand that you have made a significant impact! You have spread forth memes of reason in times of chaos. You're also a sick motherfucker. But see, I am too so it's cool because I really enjoy your brand of witticism. I hope that everything goes well for you and yours in the future. The whole fucking world is going to turn into a giant gang war. You were a principle element in directing me towards understanding the true level of impact that everything happening around us really has. Thank you for this. Jäbä on huumori miehii. Kingsatan from Finland
[Wow. - Jerky]
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Dear Mr. Jerky... Good luck to you my friend. You made a big difference in my life. You were my political awakening. Over the past six years I've learned to look at everything twice. You helped me learn to read between the lines. You did that. I may not have always agreed with you... but I for damn sure couldn't ignore you. I hope you will hang on to this email address and if you ever find another forum, please write and let me know. When is that book coming out? Hehehe... Cheers, Beudreaux
[I am most definitely hanging onto your e-mail, brother. - Jerky]
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You're Alive! I was worried MOPJ was at death's door or something, glad to find out that's not so. Not so glad to hear the Dirt is at death's door. Still, given the choice of one of you shuffling off this mortal coil I'm glad the Dirt's the one to go. I hope the "other projects" are something you can get your teeth into and enjoy, you deserve it after all the years of loyal service you've given us. Your Old Pal Cineman
[I've been at death's door for the better part of a decade now. Or he's at my door. Either way, I gotta drop some ell-bees, but pronto. - Jerky]
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Dear Jerky; I have been a reader of the Dizzert from way, way, way back. I'd like to take a second to let you know just who you have been for me throughout my 20's. I began reading your stuff right when I was entering college. I recently graduated from VA Tech. I am only now realizing that your writings have really influenced my journey through the quagmire that is modern times. When I was taking those history classes, and the time came to write those papers, my only dissenting or intelligent views came from the Jerk. You sort of enabled my mind to stretch, and I have a feeling you've done the same for many more than just me. I thank you for that. Let me know where I can find your work in the future! Keep it real, man. Don't quit on us! theNOSE
[You can't see it, but I'm glowing inside. You might be able to smell it, however. - Jerky]
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Jerky, Since discovering what the internet had to offer (I first went perusing in 2000), somehow I came across the Daily Dirt. I found your site to be both entertaining and informational. I signed up for e-mail newsletters almost immediatly. When I started having trouble receiving the Dirt by e-mail I put a link to your site on my desktop and checked it daily for updates. You became a part of my morning routine. Even during the past few months when updates were sporadic I still checked daily. Although not always agreeing
with your views (most times I did), I still read with an open mind. For now, I guess you will become a part of my weekly routine, until there is no more Dirt. You will be sorely missed by both myself and countless others that have come to depend on you for both topical stories and your opinions. I wish you well in whatever your next venture will be. A loyal fan since 2000,
Brian M.
[You're far too kind, Brian. But thank you. - Jerky]
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Noooooooooooooooo! *Gasp* Nooooooooooooo!!!!! With that out of my system: Here's to ya, Old Pal. It's been a crazy six years. (Give or take) I was with you for the trivial shit, the Napster wars (My first ever published writing anywhere! I was SO proud to get on the Soapbox!), more trivial shit, 9/11, and the ensuing Operation Iraqi Shitstorm. You've kicked ass all the while, and it's sad to see you go. Rest assured, however, that as long as you keep updating, a socially crippled, misanthropic few of us will always be around to read. Now go treat yourself to some well deserved chili or something! Your Really Old Pal,
Ben in Wyoming
[Danke, Benji. - Jerky]
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Jerky; You were a star in Heaven mate. Cheers. Mung
[You comin' on to me?! - Jerky]
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We ARE Legion Jerky and we love you. The only reason I read the Dirt is because I stumbled across it in 2000 and laughed out loud (rare) at some of your rantings. We love you and want you back. Nontheless thank you for letting us know and we will look forward no doubt to less regular updates. Just make sure they are weekly or you will break our hearts.... mine in particular. Love to you bruvva! YOPLegion
[I'll do my best, bro. Be sure to send me your e-mail at jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com, so I have it on file. - Jerky]
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OOPJ, Thank you Jerky for ALL you have done since you took over this site. It is hard to believe that it's been this long, but time flies when you're on the run.
We all love you as a Brother, a Friend, a Mentor, a Sage. You will be (and have been for the last 3 months) VERY sorely missed. My glass is raised for you, amigo! YOPChuck U Farley
[Stop it. I'm blushing over here. - Jerky]
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Thanx Jerky, For all you have done, and thanx for all that you will do. For lack of anyone else saying so, YOU have made a great difference in the way some people think and actually make them question what they used to take for granted. And for this my old friend I salute you! Cheers! YOPdaddybear
[You humble me, sir. - Jerky]
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Wow Jerky, Didn't expect this. You will be missed. I was part of the "silent majority" that never bothered to leave any message. These are indeed Starless and Bible Black times. Keep on MSTing! Rogue
[Thanks, Rogue. But don't forget to keep checking in every once in a while! - Jerky]
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From mazda : c13t
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From mazda : c23t
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From Lou the Unlucky : Jerky, you have been the best balance to the intellectual and entertainment garbage available in both electronic and papyrus formats. Who else will we have to be the crucible and sort out the wheat from the chaff? Just remember Old teachers never die, they just lose their class. At any rate, I owe so much to you and just want to express my appreciation for all the years of eye opening and eye closing commentary. It is said enough to see you fade, harder yet to know it may be me next.
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From damojoman aka mojo Maurice Byers : I was worried M. LeBeouf...you disappeared from my monitor for so long and I coulodn't write to find out because I lost Mark's addy. It was so refreshing to read your erudite commentary once again. You are one of the few vehicles for the unvarnished and often humourously spun truth of the morass that is modern society. You are one of my principal inspirations and have taught me even more about how to get under the skins of the stuffed shirted, self-important arseholes that seem to be running our world (in
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From farmergray : Even down under we read & listen to your comments with wonder that so few Yanks can see you speak the truth man. Please do not stop as you give us hope that the US may see some light soem time.
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From Mussaf : What 'Blind Faith' article are you referring to YUKON JACK I cant find it in the archives and dont recall reading it.
(daily reader)
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From Yukon Jack : Jerky,.......Nooooooooo, don't go,....we love you maaaaan,.... you're the best and if I have to pay a subscription price so be it. Your 'Blind Faith' article hit the nail right on the head for me and I said to myself, "That fucker Jerky is the M A N." Keep up the great work and keep me on your mailing list. We missed you man,... YOP Yukon Jack in the Frozen Northland of Alaska
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From matt : what happened to the free pics
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From AnonaMouse : Ah, but the "Real" Jerky would have known that feedback at dailydirt was legit at one time!
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From Jerky : There is no such address as "feedback @ dirtfiles". Where did you ever see that address? It's jerkyleboeuf @ gmail. That's the only one I answer to!
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From six : Already did old pal. You oughta check your e-mail more frequent like, unless you're no longer a feedback at dirtfiles type of guy. In that case, send an e-mail and we'll MAKE SURE you're on board, especially since you're a hot twat commodity roun's (in the words of Firefox) hynah.
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From Jerky : Um... can yopj get an invite? Y'all know the address!
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From Six : Wait nevermind Daddybear. I found it. But you gotta check your e-mail every now and then. Let me know if you don't get it.
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From Six : Daddybear what's your e-mail address? If you don't wanna post it send me a blank one to sixlegged at yahoo. Anybody else want in on the Dirtspawn, the latest subsequentiary to the Dirt, send me an e-mail. And where has Sindy been?
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From daddybear : Yeah Six , Send me an invite. Thanks bro! And yeah you can get busted for spreading the word aint that a bitch.
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From SPERMCOUNT : (none)
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From FireFox : You can see the Rollins video over at ifc
it's episode 20
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From Six : Is it a sin to illegally download Christian music for the purpose of "spreading the word?"
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From YELLOWRATBASTARDNYC : The jet the pitcher flew had three(ahem) passengers (PBUH)abord a slight oversight that it had engine troubles but not a terrorist attack near ground zero I feel safer muslims are here since they wont nuke their own. COEXIST
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From Lil Jerky : I dunno...regarding the Rollins video...the video is titled, "Freedom is under attack"...when you try to access it, it is no longer available. Something appropo and ironic about that, isn't there???
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From Dirrek : May, 2000. Started a new job at Infonet (ISP) and subscribed to the DD. Haven't missed it since. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brillinat. ? Brillinat ? Cheap wine. go to bed
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From USA Number One : Thai King of Bling! Bling!
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From Six : What's your e-mail JoDoe? Anybody else want an invite, post your e-mail in the comments and one of the admins will get to it.
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From JoDoe : okay guys, whats up with the invite and how do i get one? arghhhhhh!
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From JoDoe : Oh Jerky, my heart is shattered knowing that you will no longer be a part of the daily drivel that so consumed my morning hours that my kids were always late to school..... You've opened sooo many minds and tried to penetrate others, (although i never could figger out why those damn hard core right winged fascists were reading you....you were doing something right obviously ) and my only hope is that you someday continue with the fine work that has come to be synonymous with Jerky LeBouef....
as Will Roge
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From Beudreaux : Yup six I got the invite and I signed up. Now where do I go?
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From Mexico : Jekmeister, what can one say... I started reading the dirt through a link a friend sent me, life with it's turns has changed my existence radically, but the dirt is still a bright part of the day in some very dark times.
Keep up the good work, and don't let the bastards get you...
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From FireFox : Damn, i didn't get to see that Rollins video...those bastards.
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From daddybear : Let me say that No Jerky It is I that am humbled by your presence. And thankyou for a Great Daily(weekly )Dirt!And did anyone one notice that the Henry Rollins link is Unavailable.Eversince Google took over YouTUBE its becoming a trend that Good politically motivated stuff is deleted Promtly!!! Your Patriot Act at work? And Yes CHUCK U FARLEY is right use the absentee Ballots and leave a paper trail so its hard for the NEO-CONS to steal this election!!!
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From Six : Hey Old Pal Beudreaux. Did you get the Dirtspawn invite? Daddybear?
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From Beudreaux : Or....
Carry a Tasor (legal in many states) and when you go into your voting booth teach your particular electronic voting machine a little lesson.
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From Chuck U Farley : Do what I do Request a PAPER Absentee Ballot every election. If enough people do this, results can't be certified until all of them are counted. 'Course I don't have a choice, being in Germany and all. It's either that or not Voting. Thank Godzilla California outlawed eletronic voting machines. (Sigh)
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From Six : Voting machine problem #654123. If there is only one candidate in a race for one position, one could be led to believe that they HAVE to vote for that candidate whether they want to or not. Hit NEXT instead of ENTER to move on to the next page and not vote for them.
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From Beudreaux : "Lee Harvey Oswald-look-alike with a nipple-chafing belt-line"
I mean.....BRING IT ON MAAAAAAAAAN!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(For me....it was always the little things...ya know?)
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From Six : OK, I'm now convinced it is the one and only Jerky spitting out the 'Files. And even if it's not it's a damn fine imitation. I like the "Classic Dirt" section and hope it continues.
Sorry I doubted your legitimacy Jerky!
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From billbudd : Yeah, thanks Jerky. You made my day.
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From Sindy : I agree FF - I've missed you Jerky, welcome back.
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From FireFox : Well, that's the best dirt I've seen in a while. See, you still got it, bro.
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