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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Saint Andy!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Wally for sending in today's second joke.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir Javaid Chaudhry...
P.................PLEASE
E.................ENTER
P.................PENIS
S.................SLOWLY
I.................INSIDE.........
THAT WAY ALL GIRLS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR PEPSI ALL THE TIME...
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CLASSIC DIRT
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First reference to Y2K in the Daily Dirt!
Date: March 2, 1999
Two respected senior government officials have added more fuel to the already raging Y2K fire. On CBS' Face the Nation, Senators Chris Dodd (D-Conn) and Robert Bennet (R-Utah), ranking members of the Senate Special Committee on the Y2K Problem, freaked out the panel by calling the glitch "one of the most serious and potentially devastating events this nation has ever encountered."
The Senators went on to claim that the millennial chaos could include lives lost to malfunctioning medical equipment, erased banking records, massive blackouts and missiles from other countries automatically launching themselves (our missiles having already been Y2K-proofed). "Any responsible household would prepare and have on hand a two- or three-day supply," Dodd said.
Personally, I think this whole Y2K thing is a load of hogshit devised by Jesus-drunk authoritarians in government with the sole purpose of fucking up what would otherwise have been the ultimate New Year's Eve party. And, seeing as it looks like most people will be staying home on the night of Dec 31, shotguns at the ready to defend their 30-lb containers of Minute Rice and their bathtubs full of spring water, it seems as if the party-pooping finger-sniffers have succeeded.
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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MOPJ, Over the years you have brought me information, humor, warnings. I've gotten angry because of underhanded dealings and just plain stupidity you've catalogued, and gotten involved because of info you've posted and editorials you've written. I laughed my socks off with your jokes and crazy lists. I cried with you when the towers fell. I raged with you when they pushed through the Patriot Act, when Halliburton jumped in to make some more money from death and destruction, when they succeeded in cutting the bottom out from under our electoral system in Florida and then again in Ohio. I have sent all my best hopes out to you, when it seemed you were losing hope and heart, battling against the spam filters, and the management, and the sheer weight of what is going so dreadfully wrong in this country and in the rest of the world. It broke my heart to read the post, The Long Slow Goodbye. I waited to see if there would be anymore posts. I guess not. I don't know if you will read this letter. I hope you will. I just wanted to let you know how much your work meant to me, and how much I will miss you. Hey if you're ever in Binghamton, NY, look us up. I'll buy you a beer, and roll you a joint. Thank you for everything. yop KH
[Excuse me, but I think I've got something in my eye... - Jerky]
*** **** ***
MOPJerky, Back in the day (2000) when I was pissed off at the establishment and and felt all alone, I decided to Google. My search query was simple. "daily dirt political". I wanted a daily published letter on the political dirt that covers the world. Little did I know that my floundering for some sensical meaning to the world chaos would lead me to The Dirt. And to you. Many a page of yours has been spent well, pondering and musing about how things were, are, and will be. Many a time have you demonstrated that money is the driving force behind, well, pretty much everything. Then came your rantings about how money is the great silencer. Usually, it was some exhuberent amount to silence rogue microbiologists and news reporters. And, much to my regret, money has begun the strangulation of one of the web's most eloquent postulators. This time, however, it was the lack of money that caused the demise of one of the most poignant email newsletters in existence. My wife was originally taken-aback by the blatantly abundant usage of porn material, but then, she, as most Playboy readers lie, read the articles. Many a nod of agreement and drop-jawed surprise at the unmitigated gall you presented of our world leaders. In short, MOP Jerky, we all love you and hope you utilize the great blogging technology that has rendered The Dirt lame, almost obselete. Please, o' great eulagist, post your new blogosite for those of us who admire you. Many blessings for this and future lives! YOPDave
[I will most definitely keep you posted, Dave. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Jerky We freaking miss ya dude. It's your irreverent attitude that is missed most. Roegster
[I miss you guys, too, believe me. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Jerky, So long mate, thanks for all the entertainment and enlightment you have brought over the past years. Sorry to see you go. The Dailydirt was... ah, fuck it! No need to get all gushy! I'll have a beer and cheeseburger in your honour! Cheers, Jim
[Thanks, mango. But please, occasionally check back on this space. Like once a month maybe, until it kicks back in. - Jerky]
*** **** ***
JL; For the eternal rest of the Uglitron how about putting a mirror for all your vain pals to lavish themselves? Just another twisted thought to match the knots in my plumbing. Take care old hoss - Russell Voice (officially decommissioning druid athiest)
[I like your idea, RV. Unfortunately, the technology doesn't currently exist to reproduce reflexion on a VDT. - Jerky]
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To stop getting the Dirt, go to: www.dirtdaily.com/takemeoff.html
From Chuck U Farley : WTF? You people are still fracking here? Get a life already.
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From doxoscill : Hi webmaster. Nice Work! -) lol
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From brewwebmaster : Hi webmaster. Nice Work! -) lol
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From BumperSticker : Federal Reserve, Not federal, No Reserves, Its Neither
Jail not Bail
Let Congress Do It !!
The Gravy Train starts behind Rudy Guliani
My Banker/Stockbroker needs a new Masserati
Take your Country Back
Amero Loss of Soverignity
By Design not accident
Wall Street Fraudsters
Hold to Maturity
Buymyshitpile Call Hank Paulson
I dont own a mortgage I shouldnt have to pay for this
Buy Back my student loan useless paper
American dollar Toilet Paper
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From David Blume : With alcohol fuel, you can become energy independent, reverse global warming, and survive Peak Oil in style. Alcohol fuel is "liquid sunshine" and can't be controlled by transnational corporations. You can produce alcohol for less than $1 a gallon, using a wide variety of plants and waste products, from algae to stale donuts. It's a much better fuel than gasoline, and you can use it in your car, right now. You can even use alcohol to generate electricity. Alcohol fuel production is ecologically sustaina
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From brewwebmaster : Hi webmaster. Good Work! -) lol
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From David Icke :
David Icke Speaking in America this coming Wednesday evening
BEYOND THE CUTTING EDGE
David will be presenting the information that people must have if they and their children are not to live in a global fascist dictatorship very soon.
There is nothing more important at this time than to know the information that people like David Icke have compiled after his nearly 20 years of uncovering the controlling force behind the so-fast emerging Orwellian global state.
For almost two decades, David has been pr
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From Economic Collapse NWO : The Federal Reserve Banks are a privately owned consortium controlled by the eight major stock-holding families The Rothschilds of England and Germany, Moses Seif of Italy, Lazard Freres of France, the Warburgs of Germany, Kuhn-Loeb of Germany, Goldman-Sachs of the United States, Lehman Brothers of the United States, and the Rockefellers of the United States. Only three of these families are American.This small group decides the fates of hundreds of millions of people by their financial policies and maneuv
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know that truth spoken is a gift given. Truth withheld is more
than a gift denied, it is an arrow aimed at the heart.
It has been said that "the truth hurts," but the exact
opposite is true. No truth is too hurtful , and no lie is
harmless. Because every truth opens your heart to
another, and every lie separates it.
Yet know this The way you say your truth can be hurtful.
So speak your truth, but soothe your words with peace.
You
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From Inside Job : The 9/11 March would go on as long as there were Americans to defend their country, and not let it languish in dust. For now, my faith in what America could be was healed. Tomorrow was another story.
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From original anon : I'm with you Billbudd.
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From YHVH : Say this prayer between you and Him.
Dear Heavenly Father, the Most High,
Lord I know I'm a sinner and that without you I am lost.
Please forgive me for my sins, for the sins I've committed against others, and help me to forgive those that have sinned against me.
I believe that you sent your Son, Yahushua, to die on the cross, that He rose again 3 days later.
I accept your gift of salvation, and ask that you come into my heart and be my Saviour. Fill me with your Holy Spirit and give me all
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From Warfare Prayers : In the name of The Lord Jesus Christ I bind all evil spirits that give them their power, authority, ability and weapons and I cut you loose from your assignments, I close every door that was open to you, I take away every legal hold and every legal ground that you have on XXXXXXXXX, I break crush dissolve and destroy every inner hook mechanism that you use to hook yourself into XXXXXXXXXX and I command you to leave them now in Jesus name.
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From Warfare Prayers : In the name of The Lord Jesus Christ I bind all evil spirits that give them their power, authority, ability and weapons and I cut you loose from your assignments, I close every door that was open to you, I take away every legal hold and every legal ground that you have on XXXXXXXXX, I break crush dissolve and destroy every inner hook mechanism that you use to hook yourself into XXXXXXXXXX and I command you to leave them now in Jesus name.
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From TheRealDirt : On May 23, 1933, Congressman, Louis T. McFadden, brought formal charges against the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve Bank system, The Comptroller of the Currency and the Secretary of United States Treasury for numerous criminal acts, including but not limited to, CONSPIRACY, FRAUD, UNLAWFUL CONVERSION, AND TREASON.
Congressman McFadden's Speech
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From billbudd : This website makes feel like one of those pathetic losers that can't get over the fact that their woman no longer wants them. I keep checkin' in to see how things are doing. I wonder if everything is OK. I just can't seem to move on. I Suck!
Jerky, why did you leave us, you fat bastard?
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From Biz Lancer : * You need to meet lots of them.
* You need to have no fear of rejection.
* You need to be able to approach a woman
the moment you see her.
* You need to be able to engage her instantly
in conversation.
* You need to have powerful confidence in
yourself
* You need to be able to take action when
opportunity presents itself.
If you can do all these things, you can attract
any woman you want.
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
. ...that this is not the end, but the beginning. All endings
start something better. It is inevitable.
Here is God's promise Life proceeds, it never recedes.
Life progresses, it never regresses. Not even death
ends anything, so how much can this particular event
matter?
It is true. When one door closes, another does open.
The movement of life is ever upward. Six months from
today you will
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From A Friend : Let me ask you a question...are you saved?
"...behold, now is the accepted time behold, now is the day of salvation." -2nd Corinthians 62
Simply pray in your heart and admit to Christ that you are a sinner. Ask Him to save your soul from hell and forgive you of all your sins.
Invite Him into your heart as your personal Saviour.
That's it friend. Your not saved because of any magical prayer. No, your saved because you go to Jesus to be saved (Romans 1013). You don't go to the chur
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From Luke : In Luke 1813, the sinner prayed God be merciful to me a sinner. Just pray Oh God, I know I am a sinner. I believe Jesus was my substitute when He died on the Cross. I believe His shed blood, death, burial, and resurrection were for me. I now receive Him as my Savior. I thank You for the forgiveness of my sins, the gift of salvation and everlasting life, because of Your merciful grace. Amen.
Just take God at His word and claim His salvation by faith. Believe, and you will be saved. No church, no l
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From Solved : Former Italian President Francesco Cossiga, who revealed the existence of Operation Gladio, has told Italys oldest and most widely read newspaper that the 9-11 terrorist attacks were run by the CIA and Mossad, and that this was common knowledge among global intelligence agencies. In what translates awkwardly into English, Cossiga told the newspaper Corriere della Sera
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From David Rockefeller : me as 'internationalists' and of conspiring with others around the world to build a more integrated global political and economic structure -- one world, if you will. If that's the charge, I stand guilty, and I am proud of it."
David Rockefeller, Memoirs
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From Rockefeller : For more than a century, ideological extremists at either end of the political spectrum have seized upon well-publicized incidents to attack the Rockefeller family for the inordinate influence they claim we wield over American political and economic institutions. Some even believe we are part of a secret cabal working against the best interests of the United States, characterizing my family and me as 'internationalists' and of conspiring with others around the world to build a more integrated global polit
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
. ...that nothing is ever solved, or created, by standing still.
Movement is the process of the Universe. So move. Do something. Anything. But do not stand still. Do not remain"on the horns of a dilemma." Do not fence sit.
Put your foot down on one side or the other, swing the opposite leg over and start walking. You'll know before you take ten steps if you're going in the right direction. Not to decide is t
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, I believe God wants you to know...
...that there is only one way to go, and that's up.
I know that it is possible for life to look, sometimes, as
if it's going downhill, as if everything is falling apart. But
consider this When life is 'falling apart' things could
actually be falling together...maybe for the first time.
Try to not see things that are not there -- and do not fail to
see things that are...
You will not have to think but a second to know
exa
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From Six : All your base are belong to us!
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that you can only succeed, you cannot fail.
Failure is impossible it is an illusion. Nothing is a
failure. Nothing. Everything moves the human story,
and hence the process of evolution, forward. Everything
advances you on your journey.
You will not have to think but a second to know
exactly why you received this message today.
Love, Your Friend....
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that "Why is this happening?" is the most useless
question in the Universe.
The only really profitable question is, "What?" As in,
"What do I choose now?" This question empowers.
The "why" question simply perplexes, and rarely
satisfies even when it gets a good answer.
So don't try to "figure it out." Stop it. Just focus on
what you now wish to create. Keep moving forward.
Ther
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
....that being "right" has nothing to do with it.
The idea that you call "right" is the idea that someone
else calls "wrong." The solution that you call "perfect"
is the solution that another calls "unworkable." The
position that you feel is unassailable is the very
position that others assail.
What will solve all of this? Not attack, that's for sure.
And not defense, either. So what is l
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
....that the most dramatic conflicts are perhaps, those
that take place not between men but between a man
and himself.
Author Mark Moustakas said that, and he was right.
If we can win the struggle within -- the struggle that
Muslims call jihad -- we can win this human race.
What are you battling with right now? What unwanted
habit? What undesireable behavior? What old pattern?
Claim victory ove
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that Freedom is Who You Are.
'Freedom' is but another word for 'God.' It has been
difficult to find words in human language to describe
That Which God Is, but 'Freedom' is one of them.
Another word to describe God is...You.
You and God are One. Therefore you, too, are Free.
Free to make choices, free to select your reactions
and responses to life, free to be your authentic Self.
You
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
....that every day--nay, every moment--you will have a
chance to be Right or to be Love.
Your choice will define who you are.
You will not have to think but a second to know
exactly why you received this message today.
Love, Your Friend....
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From Kazelcgl : Hi webmaster!
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From Kazelsle : Hi webmaster!
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that the events of this very day will move you closer
to God.
That is what they were designed to do, and you will
experience them doing just that if you will allow
yourself to.
It is all a matter of opening your eyes to what is really
happening (as opposed to what it looks like is
happening). Judge not by outward appearances.
You know exactly why you received this message.
Lov
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From Neale :
On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
....that you must be willing to lose it all before you can
have it all.
What does this mean? It means that until you can let
go of everything, you will find it hard to hold onto
anything.
Detachment is the key. If you are so attached to
something that you are deeply unhappy without it,
then you are not simply attached, you are addicted.
You will not have to think but a second to know
ex
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From Neale Donald Walsch : One of the things I always appreciated about the writings of Neale Donald Walsch and Eckhart Tolle is that their books are full of spiritual nuggets to be mined by the reader. Such is the nature of this book. I can't recommend it too highly.
The book is just now being released in the US and the publisher has extended a special discount to us on the book and the companion CD which we are passing on to you. Additionally, there are numerous downloads you get when you purchase the Book and CD.
Take a
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From Neale Donald Walsch : How to Find God in Everything
A Book and CD You Will NOT Want To Miss!
Hi Friends,
You don't come across many metaphysical books these days that really grab you. When one does you immediately embrace it to, devour it and shout - LOOK AT THIS!
Such is the book described below. The name of the book is How To Find God in Everything and it was written by a messenger/author named Amoda Maa Jeevan. It is written with clarity, grace and spiritual enlightenment.
One of the things I always appre
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From OPERATION NORTHWOODS : Think it's outrageous to even suggest the United States Government would target its own citizens? Think again. In March of 1962, The U.S. Joints of Staff signed off on a plan which was presented to US Defense Secretary Robert McNamara. By attacking US military targets and citizens the hope was to build public support at home and abroad for a military invasion of Cuba. Luckily, McNamara did not approve the plan.
READ DOCUMENT
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From daddybear : John, come to Dirtspawn we have Jerky! And yeah the dirt is just about dead BUT LONG LIVE THE DIRTSPAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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turn off your mind, relax and float down stream
it is not dying, it is not dying
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From Richard Syrett Show : ROBOT WARS
Richard speaks with a professor of Robotics, who warns that armies want to give the power of life and death to machines without reason or conscience.
GUEST NOEL SHARKEY, Professor of Robotics and Artificial Intelligence at The University of Sheffield
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From Jason Beghe : Jason Beghe, who played the murderous Jeffrey Lindley on Seasons 3 and 4 of Melrose Place, has denounced the religion hes been a firm believer in for the past 14 years.
A former scientologist, Beghe plunked over a million dollars into the organization but was banished when he asked for approximately $65,000 back which he had fronted for a future study.
Beghe was what is known as an OT5 auditora member that teaches new members the ropes. In a video on YouTube he now says Scientology creates a brain
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From Scientologists prepare to slaughter seals : Over the coming days tens of thousands of baby seals will be clubbed and hacked to death off Canadas east coast. Hundreds of thousands more will be shot and left to die. The lucky ones will die swiftly. Many will suffer long lingering deaths.
Damn Scientology killed them
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From billbudd : retard already provided the link for dirtspawn
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From Dirtspawn : To join Dirtspawn, get a Yahoo ID. Then consult Google if you still can't figure it out. After that, hit the local gay bar and go in the back where they keep the gloryholes, anal bleaching supplies, and teeth-rotting Tina.
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From What :
Did you know Jerky lives in Toronto?
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From retard : groupsyahoo.***/group/Dirtspawn/
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From retard :
Will you knuckelheads over at dirtspawn do everyone a frickin favor and give us the flippin link? And I better not get a stupid reply about how you can't post any urls.
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From XeNoGeAr : Okay, what am I doing wrong? I can't find Dirt Spawn in Yahoo groups....
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From XeNoGeAr : Okay, what am I doing wrong? I can't find Dirt Spawn in Yahoo groups....
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From daddybear : Holy dead air! is the Dirt really this dead? Anybody still looking for Jerky PLEASE come to Dirt Spawn in the ADLUT section of Yahoo groups! And If Jerky is still checking out this page . HAPPY BIRTHDAY JERKY!!!!!!!!!!
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From youporn : You may only enter this Website if you are at least 18 years of age, or at least the age of majority in the jurisdiction where you reside or from which you access this Website. If you do not meet these requirements, then you do not have permission to use the Website.
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From Anonymous : Is the Iraq war the great neoconservative war? It's the war the neoconservatives wanted, Friedman says. It's the war the neoconservatives marketed. Those people had an idea to sell when September 11 came, and they sold it. Oh boy, did they sell it. So this is not a war that the masses demanded. This is a war of an elite. Friedman laughs I could give you the names of 25 people (all of whom are at this moment within a five-block radius of this office) who, if you had exiled them to a desert island a year a
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From White Mans Burden : The war in Iraq was conceived by 25 neoconservative intellectuals, most of them Jewish, who are pushing President Bush to change the course of history. Two of them, journalists William Kristol and Charles Krauthammer, say it's possible.
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From Empire of the City : City of London + City of Vatican + City of Columbia are the 3 independent states within states which composes the empire of the city. The first is financial control over earth economy, the second is religion control over the earth and the third one is military control over the earth. Together they make the very unholy trinity which forms the Egyptian pyramid that we can see on the back of the privately owned federal reserve note that is used as American dollar to maintain the colony in debt and under the Qu
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From daddybear : Ok folks , To the Old pals who are Lost with out Jerky , Please come to Dirtspawn . in the Adult section of yahoo groups for any lost newbies who stumble upon this site read the achives And then join our group. We have Jerky there ! he is well and we miss yous guys!
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From TheDouglasMan : Have a look at the photo at the start of this video. Alden Brown standing there will his dyed black hair and ignorant smile on his face. He is so oblivious to normality, not realising for one second that everyone sees his behaviour and activity as strange and immoral. Totally oblivious and ignorant. He really really has no idea at all. You could almost feel pity for him.
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From fishinator : what is this website all about anyways?? I was looking up history when I found this!!! but those jokes are pretty kool people keep sending them in!
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From Neale Donald Walsch : On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that you have something important to contribute
to your world today.
Every day God sends you one person for whom
you hold a gift in your hand. You will not know
what it is until that person greets you, but you
will then know it immediately.
The only questions remaining will be Will you give
your gift? Right then and there? Fully and completely?
By the end of this day you will know why y
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From FireFox : Where'd all these tumbleweeds come from?
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